Chapter 23

Monday

Single, Parent

That Ticking Clock

Fed up with references to your biological clock? “You’re not getting any younger.” “Why don’t you find someone, settle down, and have babies?” “When am I going to see my grandchildren?” Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.

I don’t blame you for getting angry at all. But when you sit down and really think about it, there just doesn’t seem to be someone on the horizon who will be a good choice for your mate, let alone someone to coparent with. Stop the ticking clock and save your sanity.

Want to Be Mom? Get honest with yourself. This is not the time to please others. Is being a mother important? There’s always the option of not having children because the desire is just not there.
Mom Options. There are lots of ways to become a mother. As you get older, consider some of the options available to you to have a child—your own or someone else’s. There are a lot of kids out there waiting for loving parents.
Stay True to Your Beliefs. Your decisions about parenthood are nobody’s but yours. Single parenthood or not? You decide what to do.

Whatever you decide, understand that raising a child is no easy task. If you choose to do it on your own, line up the best support you can for you and for your child.

Tuesday

Well-Being, Friends, Family

The Waiting Game: How To Handle the ER Before a Doctor Handles You

A visit to the emergency room is often a distressing experience—whether you are the patient or the caregiver to someone who has been injured or is ill. You need a lot of patience to be a patient in the ER.

If a visit becomes lengthy, or if every single form or document isn’t in its proper order, your sanity can be roughly tested. Begin with a simple goal to be prepared, and your visit can be effective and less of a sanity buster.

Always Carry Personal Identification. Bring your medical insurance card, medical history, and a log of the prescription drugs you currently use to the ER. It’s a good idea to also bring a list of the phone numbers of friends and family who will need to be contacted.

Write Down Facts. After waiting six hours to be seen by a doctor, you may have forgotten important facts such as time of injury, what you did immediately, how you felt. While you’re waiting, write down what you can recall about what happened to you and why you are there.

Think of Questions…you will need to ask the staff when you are finally seen. If you are cold, ask for a heated blanket or booties and ask if it is OK to drink hot liquids.

Save Your Energy. Try not to become too engaged with everyone else in the waiting room, as this may drain your much-needed reserve of energy. It is tempting to strike up a conversation when you’re facing four-year-old copies of magazines or battered children’s books, but keep yourself focused on what you can do to keep yourself calm and comfortable. Visualize yourself being treated well and visualize your healing just around the corner.

When you are in the ER keep yourself as calm as possible by reviewing what happened, taking notes, and visualizing yourself being treated well and becoming well.

Wednesday

Parent, Family, Midlife

Your Unforgiving Child

Unless we address it at some point in our lives, the unpopular and sometimes hurtful decisions we make as parents can haunt us into the future.

If your children have a difficult time forgiving you for something you did in your life or a decision you made that they didn’t agree with, how can your relationship go forward? Moreover, how can you meet their high expectations or conditions they constantly throw out to you while you save your sanity?

What’s Reasonable? They may try to guilt you into doing what they feel you owe them or what they want from you. Only you can decide whether their expectations are equitable and whether you will ever be able to make up for the pain your children feel you caused them. You cannot make up for what happened but can only go forward. At some point, it is up to your children to deal with their past in the healthiest way possible.

Doable or Not? Listen, and separate what your adult child wants and needs from you and what you can give. “I want you to be with your grandchild as much as you can.” Does that mean every day? Every week? Does it mean you don’t take a vacation so you can spend more time with your grandchild? Is this about her feeling cut off from her own grandparents when you left her father? Assess what’s going on and what is possible.

Blame Does Not Equal Guilt. Just because someone blames you does not mean you need to be guilt-ridden. Tell your child what responsibility you are willing to accept and what you are no longer willing to carry because it never applied or no longer applies. This needs to be said with empathy and understanding. And remember, it takes time to heal.

You cannot make up for the past with your children. You can, however, factor it in and keep it in your heart as you plan your future together.

Thursday

Work, Friends

Separating Work Friendships from the Rest of Your Life

Everyone needs a break from work. Hopefully you are one of the lucky women in the world who enjoys her work and wants to do a good job. Hopefully, too, you have colleagues with whom you feel comfortable and supported and whom you look forward to seeing each day. How good are you at separating work from the rest of your life?

When you leave for the weekend, don’t bring it home with you. Being friendly with people at work and not outside it can help you keep your life separate. But if you have created friendships in the workplace that spill over to weekend time, how can you make sure that you are able to keep work and the rest of your life separate to save your sanity?

Don’t Mix. If you hang out with the people from work on the weekends, be clear about not talking about work. If you do, monitor your conversations. Cultivate other aspects of your lives and relationships (go bike riding, hiking, take in a museum, go to a movie) as you consciously avoid referencing work. You need to have down time to turn off your work and recharge your batteries.

Make Boundaries. Tell people at work that you are unavailable on the weekends and then make that statement a reality.

Break Away. Initially plan a weekend with at least one day (and hopefully two) away from any work-related interactions (via computers, PDAs, cell phones). Move toward the goal of leaving your PDA unattended and ignoring your work cell calls unless there is a crisis or emergency.

Nonwork friendships can develop out of the office; don’t bring the office to them.

Friday

Friends, Family

When Someone Disrespects Your House

Letting a friend stay at your home while you’re off somewhere else is a nice gesture. The friend gets to enjoy your town and save on hotel charges while your plants are watered, the mail is taken in, and someone is watching over your “stuff.” Unless she isn’t!

Coming home to a dirty house that you left spotless is not the best way to reenter your life. Coming home to sticky floors, beer and soda bottles around, dirty bathrooms, and soiled sheets can not only contribute to your loss of sanity but also leave you feeling personally violated.

Take Inventory and Regroup. Look around the house and note what has changed. Then sit down and think about what you want to do and how you want to begin dealing with this mess and the disappointment. Gather your wits, breathe deeply, and focus on the fact that you will be able to deal with this either by phone, in person, or in a letter.

State the Problem. After you have calmed down, call the person and begin positively. “You know I love you. I’ve known you for years. I simply can’t believe that you would leave my home in the condition you left it. In case you were unaware, this is what I came home to.” Tell her each problem you encountered that’s on your list.

Respond to Her Response. If you can’t believe you are hearing, “But we tried to clean it up,” try this. “You may have tried and I know it can be difficult to keep up a house. The point is that you abused my hospitality and I’m really hurt and angry. I did not want to come home from my vacation and have to begin cleaning up after you. That isn’t fair.” Whether you get an apology or not, you will feel better for speaking up for yourself, telling the truth, and releasing any resentment and bitterness.

When someone takes advantage of you, it is imperative that you tell her how you feel so you are not harboring ill feelings.

Weekend

Community, Well-Being

Giving Back

Community service expands your world and can be done at any point in your life. Even if you are in the throes of building your career, raising your children, or taking care of your parents, there is something you can do to serve outside the parameters of your life. Why? Because, believe it or not, the old adage of “What goes around comes around” rings true. Only by giving can you be touched in ways beyond your imagination.

Sometimes you’ll be able to give more time and less money or more money and less time, but there will be always something you can do for someone or some cause. Think about the places, organizations, and people you know that can use a bit of help. Find something you believe in and offer what you can.

Give What You Enjoy Doing. If you are a good cook, prepare an extra meal for a mother in your child’s class who had surgery. Or sign up at the local soup kitchen and drop off your famous lasagna. If you have good writing skills but are busy with the kids, why not edit an online newsletter for a great organization after bedtime. Whatever your interest—animals, the environment, children, homelessness, education, poverty, or finding a cure for an illness—you can always help out in some way.

Be Realistic with Your Time. If you cannot commit to a regular “volunteer” job, offer what you can and look toward the day when you will be able to give more of what they need. Giving back is about giving to the cause while fulfilling something in you. If you’re overextended, volunteering will seem like a chore and will lack spirit.

Imagine…as you hum the Lennon tune, about your immediate neighborhood and world you would like to live in. Align the issues you care about with your available time and resources and construct the best opportunity to offer yourself and your talents, no matter how big or small, to make the world a better place.