Chapter 24

Monday

Friendship

Keeping a Friend’s Memory Alive for the Children

As sad as it is to lose a beloved friend or family member, it is essential that we remember him and keep his memory alive—for us as well as for his children, grandchildren, and the community in which he lived.

Sharing stories about the person is healing. Sadly, though, with so much sorrow around the time of the death, some of these stories are not heard by the people who need to hear them and remember them the most—his children. As a friend or someone who knew him well, you can give a major gift to the surviving children (especially if they are young) by keeping in touch with the family.

It is difficult enough to lose a parent, but to lose the parent’s community of friends makes it worse. As difficult as it is, consider yourself an extension of the parent and, without being intrusive, be present during celebratory as well as challenging times. Offer the children tidbits about their parent’s life so they can feel as if he is still with them in some way.

Remember the Children’s Birthdays. Keep a connection with the children by sending a card or, better yet, giving a call. Having the treasured friendship of their mother or father’s friends and community will keep the children feeling as if they have an extended family and that their parent’s life mattered to other people, not just them. When a friend who is a parent dies, you have a golden opportunity to keep their parent’s memory alive. Why not also call when it’s the birthday of the deceased parent and let the children know you are thinking of their mom or dad too?

Record Memories. Open a file in your computer or keep a notebook and jot random thoughts or stories or comments that you remember about this person that, over time, you will share with his children and others. It is very important to children, especially as they grow up, to hear from their parent’s friends; what they were like, what was important to them, and things about them that they don’t have access to because as they matured, their parent, sadly, didn’t.

Share Your Stories. Sometimes children worry when they cannot recall their parent’s face or smell or touch, and they worry that they will not have access to the parent if they cannot remember him. As a lifelong friend, remember their mother or father and share stories about them with the children. It is so important for them to feel a sense of legacy and continuity.

Be a Link to Their Parent’s Thoughts. Keep a memory book with specific quotes about what their parent said so over time you can give the children actual memories with as many of the parent’s own words as possible.

Mourning and remembering are both healing.

Tuesday

Parent, Work

When a Parent Loses a Job

You (or your partner) got fired, laid off, or permanently terminated at work. It’s bad enough telling each other, but now you have to tell the kids.

It’s not the actual news that will upset them, but how your children will perceive their world changing as a result of your job loss. Will you have to cut back on expenses, postpone their tennis lessons, or move? What will your children anticipate that might conjure up fear and anger because you lost your job?

Depending on their age and how you handle explaining the news, kids will react in different degrees. To minimize the repercussions, be honest and open about what is likely to happen. Hopefully, they’ll come around and actually pitch in to help in some way if they are included in the discussions and their feelings are acknowledged.

Gently Explain What’s Going On. Minimize fears as realistically as possible and answer their questions. “This is temporary and I am doing the following things to get another job,” or “I might not find something right away but I’m looking. In the meantime, let’s all try to live conservatively.”

Be Careful About Making Promises. “I am sure we will not have to move.” Or, “Another job is just around the corner, so let’s still plan a ski vacation this winter.”

Have Family Meetings. Review the changes everyone is making and new changes that are expected. Offer to hear ideas of how the children can contribute. Help them become part of the family solution. “We can’t go to Disney World this year but can go to grandma’s lake house or camping. Which would you like?”

Appear to Be Able to Cope…even though it is difficult.

You are your family’s rock, so stay steady when times get rough and you’ll all see this through.

Wednesday

Well-Being, Friends, Family

Confronting a Sexual Abuser

If you are in the throes of working through the horrors of having been sexually abused as a child or an adult, you will probably ask yourself whether it makes sense to confront the person who abused you. As you work with someone such as a mental health professional to come to terms with what happened, the combination of fear and rage may make this thought difficult to process.

As you learn to express the anger you have felt for so long, confronting the offender may or may not seem viable. How, for instance, do you deal with this if the person is part of your family and nobody knows? Or what if the person is now dead?

Confrontation is not easy. The person may never admit that the abuse took place or that he was the perpetrator. You may never get an apology or an acknowledgment. Here are ways to preserve your sanity while approaching the intense feelings that can result from sexual abuse.

Stop Self-Destructing. Take the opportunity to express your anger in ways that will not damage your sense of yourself any further. You may be able to confront in person, but if you think it will be too traumatic, there are other ways to work through this. Write in a journal, work out at a gym, role play with a therapist, and scream and punch pillows when you are alone in your house. These outlets for anger can help to begin to let off some of what is boiling within you.

Write a Letter. Sit quietly in a place where you feel safe and write a letter to the sexual abuser, enumerating all the thoughts that you have kept inside for so long. Whether you write several drafts or never send it at all, it is important to write it. Just begin. Take breaks and keep yourself focused. Understand that this process will take a long time. The goal is not to complete the task in one sitting.

Talk Out Loud. Focus on an empty chair and visualize the abuser sitting in it. If this doesn’t work, associate to something that puts you in mental contact with the person. Although you’re alone in the room, you’re the one who needs to hear yourself talk directly to that person. Tell him what happened, how you felt, how this terrible experience has influenced you and your life, your relationships, and your outlook on the world. If you care to, place a tape recorder in the room because you may want to hear what you said, and likely you will not remember much of your “conversation.”

Heal over Your Lifetime. You’ll be healing from sexual abuse throughout your life. Confronting the abuser either in person, by mail, or by talking to an empty chair may help you to feel some closure.

Confrontation is not for the abuser. It is for you.

Thursday

Partner, Family, Friends

Interfaith Marriage in Practice

You are one-half of an interfaith couple. The challenge for you is overcoming what you had been taught about “the other” and appreciating your spouse’s family’s religion, traditions, ancestral background, and beliefs even though they are foreign to you.

Keep your sanity as you reaffirm your commitment to each other and demonstrate respect and appreciation for each other and where you came from.

Learn All You Can. Attend worship services, be involved in traditional celebrations, and read books. Know about your partner’s faith and the depth and importance of his or her commitment to the religion.
Have Patience. You partner’s family may resist being open to your faith.
Draw a Line…and know your boundaries you expect each other’s families to respect. Negative or insulting comments may be born of ignorance but are unacceptable.
Adjust How You Worship and Celebrate. People change and their spirituality evolves. Review and reassess holiday practices. Know whether you can support each other in your separate religious and spiritual beliefs.

Loving someone of a different faith requires both an open mind and an open heart. Remember, they are who they are in part because of their religious teachings.

Friday

Friends, Family

When You Don’t Care to Share

Sometimes people put their foot in their mouth. They may say something that makes you feel uncomfortable or may hint about something personal you are not ready to discuss. “Hey, when are you guys going to get pregnant?” Or, “I notice you aren’t drinking, what’s up?” Or, “I like your old hairstyle better.”

They may be overstepping boundaries that they just don’t recognize are there. Once again, you have a choice. Just because someone asks you a question, makes a comment, or tries to engage you in some way, you are not compelled to respond. Take a moment and breathe. Think about whether you want to engage with this person seriously, or maybe making a joke will be the best way out.

If you act as if you did not hear him, walk away, or just play it down, and then later realize that his words are still affecting you, what can help to save your sanity?

Why Are You Affected? Pay attention to the hurt or distress and try to understand why you are upset. Is it because the person was intruding into your life? Is it because it is something you are embarrassed about? Is it because you feel others believe they have easy access to what happens to you and you feel you are powerless to change that perception?

Privacy Is a Right. Know that you are entitled to a private life and you are under no obligation to share details of it with anyone. Because someone wants information is not enough of a reason for you to share it unless you want to.

Let It Go. Understand that some people really do not pay attention to the possible effects of their personal inquiries and feel they are entitled to ask or say whatever they want (either because of their position in the family or a real or perceived sense of familiarity.)

Give the Benefit of the Doubt. Consider calling or writing to the person and let him know that his remarks made you uncomfortable and that you found them insensitive and meddling. Hopefully, he’ll think before behaving similarly with someone else.

Respect your own life, and others will learn to deal with you respectfully.

Weekend

Well-Being

Healthy Self-Image

We are the masters of our own self-image. Whether you define yourself, let others define you, or a little of both is essential as you come to terms with who and what you believe yourself to be. If you want to have a healthy self-image, recognizing and knowing your values is the first step. Do a “self-value” scan. Ask yourself: What is truly important to you? How do others see you? More importantly, how do you see yourself as a person?

Only when you define your values can you start living by them. You will naturally feel good about your choices in life, work, and relationships.

Focus on Your Strengths. Look at your accomplishments rather than outstanding obligations. Put value on things that you might be overlooking. Are you a good listener? Then you’re probably a great friend. Do you like to get people together? Then you’re likely a good networker, too. Appreciate your uniqueness and don’t underestimate your own potential.

Trust Your Inner Voice. Have you made decisions based on someone else’s advice you knew you shouldn’t have taken in the first place? When faced with a choice, reflect on past experiences when you alone have made the right decision. Knowing when to listen to your inner voice (your “gut”) is something that takes time to cultivate. Start exercising your intuition with small decisions and see if you get more positive results.

Choose Who You Spend Time With. Do not spend time with people who do not respect or see your value. Do spend time with people who care about you and whom you care about.

Decide for Yourself Who You Are. Do not accept other people’s opinions of who you should be. Determine what is important to incorporate into your life and discard what is not serving you. Be honest with yourself, and do not do or be something you are not.