Chapter 27

Monday

Work

Take This Job and Love It

To take on a new job, especially in a new field, even when you initiate the change, can be very stressful.

You may be unable to sleep as you ponder all the many unknowns of your new job. Then your mind can wander into many uncharted, dark corners, and you’ll wonder if you are good enough for the job or if you’ve made a mistake leaving something safe for something challenging. If you are an older woman, you may also wonder if you’ll be able to keep up with your younger colleagues.

Be Calm. If you are tossing and turning for more than twenty minutes in bed, get up and drink some calming tea, such as chamomile. Find other ways to put calm in your life so fear doesn’t get the better of you.
Be Inspired. Read something about someone who has survived significant challenges in life. See how she got through. Recognize how people use their great personal resources and draw on their strength. There are so many books by and about people with incredible courage.
Be Objective. Try to look at your life, and your situation, as objectively as possible, as you did the person in the biography you read. Analyze your options, your emotions, your strengths, as if you were a character in a narrative. This can not only be stimulating, but it can provide the means to take care of the problem from the strongest perspective.

When you doubt yourself and are about to accept a personal challenge, look for inspiration to others who have survived their own significant challenges.

Tuesday

Well-Being, Family, Friends

How Much Is That Doggie in Your Memory?

As most pets have a shorter lifespan than their owners (save a parrot or two), it is inevitable that you may experience pet loss and the grieving and mourning that accompany it.

Those people who don’t feel a close connection to animals find it difficult to understand the attachment and companionship you have enjoyed. They simply don’t get that pets have unique personalities and insinuate themselves into a household—and a heart. Because pets love unconditionally, they are always present for us and are loving companions in their own right. Consequently, the passing of such a companion is an enormous emotional experience. Everyone grieves differently, even within the same household, as the family pet served different functions for each person who feels its loss.

It’s OK to Grieve. Despite what others tell you, you must allow yourself to grieve and give yourself time and space to mourn. Be patient. Understand that there will be times of intense sadness that may overcome you when you see someone with a pet. It may also be difficult when you go through a routine you once shared with your pet, such as taking your daily walk together, so try to avoid those places for a while. When you feel you can go there again, take a friend. Remember that grief will pass and life will be pleasant again. Don’t be afraid to lean on friends.

Memorialize Your Pet. Pay close attention to what your pet meant to you and recognize its place in your life. You may want to put an album of pictures together or frame a special photo that captures the personality of your pet. Dedicate a bench in a garden in your pet’s honor or donate to an animal shelter or an animal-therapy program.

Ready for a New Pet? If you are considering getting another pet but you aren’t quite ready yet, consider volunteering at an animal shelter so you can get your animal fix, while at the same time giving something to the animals who aren’t lucky enough to have a loving home.

If you have opened your heart to the unconditional love of a pet, give yourself the time to heal from this profound loss.

Wednesday

Partner

In a Relationship with a Workaholic

Some people can’t seem to relax. They believe they will not be able to slow down. They think taking it easy means they are not doing anything worthwhile. If they are not busy, they feel that they are not being productive. And if they are not accomplishing something, working, or obtaining some goal, they do not feel worthy, and certainly don’t feel worthy of relaxing. And on and on the cycle continues.

Is this someone you know and love? Is your significant other always at the office or always bogged down with paperwork at home? Does your partner become preoccupied with a project or disinterested in social and leisure time?

How do you save your sanity when the person you’re in a relationship with doesn’t relax or spend enough time with you but clearly loves you?

Don’t Equate Time with Love. Working too much is your partner’s issue and it is not about how much you are loved. If you know you are cared for, don’t take the late hours personally. If, however, you think your partner is busy as a way to avoid you or push you away, then you need to consider whether this relationship is the right one for you.

Communicate Your Needs. For whatever reason, your partner has the need to work…a lot. Maybe there’s a need to fill some void. Maybe there was someone, somewhere in your partner’s life who equated busy with productive. But you have needs, too. If you enjoy leisure time together, you must discuss appropriate ways to make that happen before this overworked life drives you crazy.

Negotiate Couple Time. If your partner wants to work half a day on Saturday, then Saturday afternoons and Sundays may be your sacred days together. If bringing work home at night is part of the deal, why not meet at the gym before the computer is turned on? How about scheduling a few ski weekends (as opposed to committing to a condo rental for the whole season) and making sure there’s online service for the laptop.

Stay Busy. How many items do you have on your list that you just can’t get to because life is too busy? And what about that book that you have been trying to write for years? Let some of your partner’s productive energy energize you and propel you to accomplish some of your own goals. Lucky you, that you have time to indulge in a bubble bath with your favorite novel. The time you have to do your own things may be a gift, so use this gift wisely instead of wasting time complaining.

Enlist Your Women Friends. Come on, you know you want to see the latest chick flick. Call up your women friends and have some fun. Seek out friendships with women who also have busy mates, and don’t bash your partners when you get together. Instead, find comfort in one another’s similar circumstances and company when you feel the need to get out.

If your partner loves to work, you can’t change that. Instead, work with the extra time you have on your hands to do things for you.

Thursday

Community

Disability Differences

Hearing loss, learning or developmental disabilities, visual impairment, and spinal cord injuries are among the multitude of disability differences that set some of us apart from the “norm.” But what is “normal,” and how do we form our attitudes about who or what is “different”?

By examining your attitudes and being open to establishing a new perspective, you can free yourself, your family, and your children from a restricted and often stereotypic view of the world and begin to look at people who are different from you with compassion. Remember that your attitude about people who have a disability may have a vast impact on how they feel about themselves and how they are viewed by others. By exploring ways in which you can alter your attitude, you will be taking a stand for what is right and showing others love, care, and support.

Your Belief System. It is normal to have a range of feelings when you think about or encounter someone who has a disability. Most of what we believe about people who have disability differences comes from stories, peer pressure, and other’s perceptions. Rethink your point of view and add in doses of empathy.

Don’t Let Them Get Away with It. Prejudicial jokes and comments are unacceptable. Refusing to go along with the joke is not enough. Be vocal and don’t become a bystander.

Become Educated and Educate. Learn about the challenges of those who have disabilities and share what you learn with others. Model to others exemplary behavior and spread the word about what is and is not OK.

Your attitude about disability difference was likely formed in ways you are unaware of. Be bold and open to changing your attitude and your thoughts.

Friday

Friends, Family

Remember Loved Ones on the Holidays

The holidays usually make us think of those who are no longer with us or of relationships that are no longer the way we would like them to be. Our loss is more keenly felt as we evoke memories of the past with the person who is absent. The loss is further accentuated because we miss them at our joyous occasions.

Pay attention to who is present while consciously bringing to mind stories or traditions that were unique to the people who are not there. This can be emotionally moving as well as a wonderful opportunity to recall with joy the gifts you have received from the special people in your lifetime. By allowing yourself to be open to how your grief transforms you, the chances are greater that you will be more able to appreciate the holiday spirit.

Quietly Reflect on the Loved One’s Life. How are you like him, what fond memories can you recall, what stories about the deceased loved one can you pass down to your children? Visit the cemetery or create a memorial space where you can have time to just “be.” Show pictures from family trips, wear your aunt’s heirloom pin and tell others about the day she gave it to you, or pass around your mom’s scrapbook.

Create a Remembrance Ceremony. Make a candle centerpiece where each candle represents someone who has died. As you light each candle, share a memory about each person. This does not have to be maudlin. It can be a joyous memory, a funny story, something that makes you smile and keeps their memory alive. Try to incorporate new traditions that will give you and your family a fresh outlook and hope for the future.

Continue a Tradition the Loved One Started. Bake Grandma’s favorite pie, attend a community church service as your deceased mom did, serve at a soup kitchen before dining as a family as your father did.

By dealing with your feelings of loss in anticipation of and during the holidays, you prepare yourself to celebrate the life of the person and appreciate the gifts he gave you.

Weekend

Well-Being

Not Taking Things for Granted

Usually it takes an illness, your own or that of someone you love, to remind you how incredible it is to take anything in life for granted.

With your busy life, you can chain yourself to a computer or seal yourself in your car as you rush to and from appointments, without paying attention to the view as you drive by. You may also make it a point to consciously avoid making eye contact with people so you can keep in your own bubble. Although time alone to refresh and restore yourself is essential, becoming too focused on your own life and self without being conscious of the natural world around you can impede your ability to keep your sanity intact.

Whatever stage you are in your life, make it a point to consciously appreciate all you take for granted—whether it is something in nature or the qualities of a person.

Music, Music, Music. Listen to great jazz, classical or another style of music that you love or that you know little about. Really listen to it as if hearing it for the first time. Encourage yourself to get into the mood, the intention of the composer and the musicians, and just allow the music to wash over you.

Follow the Sun. Find out where the sun sets and go to a place to watch it—from the yard, the top of a building, someplace at the edge of town. Make it a special event and do nothing but focus on the sun itself, getting ready to drop into the sea, behind a building, or near a distant mountain. Think about the power of the sun and how we take for granted that it will rise again in the morning.

Unconditional Love. Take time to enjoy an animal in your life who gives you unconditional love. Appreciate your mom and dad, who did the best they knew how to do. They proved their love for you by raising you and even surviving the teen years. Show them you care about them as they age, as well as other important people in your life.