Week 28

Monday

Work, Partner, Parent

Working Long Hours, Married, and Raising a Family

Raising a family is hard work. Raising a family with both parents working strenuous long hours is lots of hard work. If you are part of a couple that works very long hours and are trying to raise a young family, take extra good care of yourself. Why? Because study after study reports that you experience the lowest quality of life among working couples, as opposed to working couples, who do not work long hours, who have the highest quality of life. Oh no! What to do?

Couples who work less stressful hours have gratification from various aspects of their lives, and they also come to rely on the predictability in their lives. They know what time they will leave work, what time they will arrive home, and they can manage day care options much more easily. Although tired, they are not “spent” by the drain of working very long hours.

So, I repeat, take extra good care of yourself and see what you can do about trimming some of those hours off your workday.

• Sleep as Much as You Can. Getting to bed on the earlier side each night will help you to get your rest. Take catnaps during the day if you can to avoid fatigue. If you commute on a bus or train, wear your headset and try to catch some shuteye while listening to some relaxing music or inspirational or religious music or passages.
• Organize Your “Home Work”…in such a way that you will be able to do it as efficiently as possible while still having some time to “play” with your partner and your family.
• Call on Family and Friends. Accept help from family, neighbors, and friends. Join a baby-sitting pool so you can get out as a couple. Plan your time so you can all help each other and feel less alone while doing what needs to be done.
• Get Energized. Whenever you have a break, move your body in ways that protect your back and ease your neck. Walk slowly, stretch, breathe, and renew your body in small installments throughout the day. When you eat, be sure you are feeding yourself nutritious food that will help you to keep your energy where it should be.

Stretch the time you have to include taking care of you.

Tuesday

Midlife, Family

A Healthy Sandwich

You’ve heard the term and now you really understand what it means to be in the sandwich generation. You are the inside of the sandwich because you are between two generations—your parents and your children.

Do what you can to maintain your sanity and be the healthiest sandwich you can be.

• Don’t Spread Yourself Too Thin. Take time for yourself when you are involved with caregiving and get help so you can maintain your energy level.
• You’ll Need Help in the Kitchen. If you also have a job, understand that many things on your list just will not get done. Give yourself a pass and engage as many other people to help you as you can.
• It’s a Good Sandwich. Enjoy the individual moments of levity and understand that much of what you are dealing with can be accomplished if you keep a positive attitude.

If you feel afraid or inadequate, focus on the love you have for these people and you will be able to accomplish your task.

Wednesday

Parent, Family

When Your Young Adult Child Has a Drinking Problem

Many parents don’t pay attention to the warning signs when their kids drink. Drinking is so much a part of life and “partying” with teens that many moms and dads don’t intervene to help their children get the help they need. Sure it is difficult when your child is away at college or living on his own while working, but the problem is real and must be addressed.

• Put to Rest Your Drinking Tales. Stay clear of glamorizing or joking about your own drinking days. This gives your kids approval and reinforces that this is normal behavior for their age.
• Role Model. Look carefully at your own drinking patterns and habits. If you drink alcohol irresponsibly, what are you presenting to your kids?
• Let Them Know the Facts. Neither hide the truth nor overreact. Yes, many kids at college drink too much and lose control of their ability to make reasonable decisions and take care of themselves. In fact, most car accidents and date rape incidents happen when there is alcohol. Remember that many college students die from alcohol poisoning, which occurs most often from drinking games.
• Open Up Lines of Communication. Talk with your child and express your concerns not only about their ability to take care of themselves but also about putting other young people at risk (e.g., when they are at the wheel). Even if you are far away, you can talk and be available to listen.

Excessive drinking needs to be discussed openly and seriously with your young adult child.

Thursday

Partner, Family

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is insidious, and for many women, it goes undetected or ignored. Perhaps you have been in relationships where you are insulted, demeaned, blamed, undermined, or trashed for a long time. If you’ve heard yourself say and perhaps believe that “This is the way my husband is,” “My daughter doesn’t mean anything by it,” or “It’s the way my boss handles his stress” maybe you are being abused…emotionally.

Over time, women who have experienced emotional abuse lose their self-esteem, their confidence, and their ability to care for themselves. When you are the target of an emotional abuser, you may be holding anger within yourself that ultimately comes out, directed at you or other people in your life. You wonder why when you are with this person you feel “less than,” intimidated, frightened, incapable, depressed, and stuck, instead of good about yourself.

If you find you are in a situation in which someone is repeatedly abusing you verbally or nonverbally, wants to harm you by making you feel diminished, or is trying to control or gain power over you, your sanity may be at risk.

• Everyone Deserves Respect. Remind yourself that nobody has the right to treat you disrespectfully. Observe people who speak kindly to each other. Imagine yourself in such a relationship with this person or without this person. Whether you have experienced this or not, believe that problems can be addressed without insulting, demeaning, or devaluing another person in the process.
• Don’t Blame Yourself. When you hear that you are to blame for whatever is causing the verbal or emotional barrage, tell yourself that you cannot “make” anyone do or say anything. We are each responsible for our own behavior, words, and actions. Put the responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the person who is abusing you.
• Connect with Others. Rather than feel isolated, feel yourself connected with the life around you. Walk outdoors and be with people who lift your spirit. Remind yourself and let others remind you of all the things you do that you are good at, enjoy, and appreciate.
• Say No. Practice saying, “Enough”; “Stop”; “I will not allow this to go on.” When you really believe these words, say them firmly to the abuser.
• No More. When things are calm, talk to the person, write a letter, compose an e-mail, or send a voice tape, informing the person that you are no longer going to accept behavior that you specifically describe. Share with the abuser what you will do when that behavior happens again. Assure the abuser of your commitment to the relationship (if it’s one worth keeping) as you reaffirm your stand as someone who will no longer participate when this behavior repeats.

Once you stop abusive behavior you will begin to feel freer to explore ways to care for yourself because you have taken your own side.

Friday

Friends, Family

Love Ya but in Small Doses

Is there someone in your life you can’t live without but can’t live with—your mother, sister, or old friend? Why? There may just be a basic personality clash. Your sister may be a bit of a control freak and you want to keep your sanity while figuring out ways to maintain your bond. Cutting off the relationship is not an option, but there are plenty of good reasons not to do those long family dinners!

• Stay in Neutral Zones. Do things that are time limited. Two-hour dinners are terrific, and there are other people around for good behavior so the conversation can’t get too out of hand. (You can always change the subject when the next course is served!). That time limit thing? It’s really important. All of us can handle two hours, but after three hours things tend to deteriorate. If you must spend longer time, add an event—like a concert or a movie. And please, no coffee and dessert after! Put your diet into effect and go home!
• You Can’t Redesign Their Personality…so why try? It is not worth your time and nothing good will come out of it. Focus on the good parts and stay clear of the danger zones. It is only a couple of hours, and unless you are both truly committed to working on your relationship, you will likely feel unsatisfied with both your effort and your result.

Some relationships, even if they are family, work better in small doses.

Weekend

Well-Being

Manage Your Mood with Movement

Some days you can feel your mood drop. When you can’t get outdoors, feel overwhelmed with too many things, or can’t focus on any one thing, your upbeat outlook may wane.

Instead of reaching for a drink or comfort food, move your body. Depending on how you feel and what you need, moving will help release the “happy hormones” that will contribute to saving your sanity as you improve your mood.

• Move Your Energy. First stand still with feet planted on the floor, yet relaxed. Close your eyes and feel yourself in space. Open your eyes and begin to swing your arms, first in small circles and then in increasingly larger circles. Stop and feel the way the energy flows in your arms to your fingertips. Tell yourself you are a storehouse of energy that is yet untapped.
• Reach for the Sky. Gently move your body and feel yourself lifting off of one foot and then the other. Reach up to the sky with one arm and then the other and lift and stretch. Tell yourself the sky is the limit.
• Open Up and Discover. Swing your arms from side to side, gently reaching and stretching in all directions. Tell yourself there are places you have yet to explore, and that you have not yet reached your potential.

Simple movement can help you to manage how you feel.