Chapter 29

Monday

Parent, Family

Your Grown-up Child Is Far Away

Your “baby” lives across the continent, and you are proud of her ability to be on her own working in a brand-new city, and of her adventurous spirit. But she knows no one there. Is she really up to taking care of herself, and what happens when she gets lonely or wants a home-cooked meal?

This is different from when she went to college. Then you had a sense of security that she would be looked after, had access to healthy food, and was protected because she was in a locked dorm with one hundred other students. This may have been a false sense of security, but nonetheless you felt it. Keeping your sanity when your son or daughter is beginning life oh so far away is another story.

Pray Daily for Your Child’s Safety. This is important. Visualizing your child being safe and guarded by a higher being allows you to do something positive for your child, every day, from afar. Rather than filling yourself and the air around your child with negative, worrisome thoughts, you can focus on positive images, which will help both your child and you.

Take Your Cues…from your child about how often and when to visit, e-mail, and call. You want her to determine how much is the right amount, and this might be a work in progress. Take notice of how much is too much and how much is not enough so she knows you are always there for her.

Visit. If you can, stay at a hotel nearby so your child can have privacy, go to work, and see you in the evening. If she is able to take some time off while you are there, do something fun together. Your mission is not to make her feel guilty for moving far away. Encourage her to bring friends to dinner so you can meet who is in her life. Get maps of the city and explore so you can keep busy during the day, so that you’re not a worry to her.

When your kids are far away, you can still be connected…just not in the way you were.

Tuesday

Well-Being

Playing Real Games in Court

You have to go to court for a traffic violation, small claims action, or sexual harassment suit, or because you’re in a custody battle with your ex-spouse. No matter what the issue, big or small, dealing with the judicial system can be intimidating and a bit scary.

It’s also very stressful. This is the time to mediate, journal, take warm baths, and do yoga. To save your sanity, learn how to maneuver in the court system, and when you are not in court, do anything that relieves your anxiety.

Find an Advocate. Does your attorney really believe in your position? Does he or she talk to you on your level, really understand your case, and want the best outcome for you? Most importantly, do you have respect for this person who may very well have great influence on your life? If you get the feeling that your lawyer is judging you or is not in sync with you, find someone who is. Even if you have to change attorneys midstream, the right advocate will keep your best interests at the forefront. And make sure you have your own support team in court—your mom, sister, or friend.

Visualize People in Their Underwear. Did you ever do this as a kid when you were nervous about speaking in front of people? Well, under that polished professional attire and behind those icy stares from people in the courtroom, they’re all wearing underwear just like you. No one is better than anyone else. So say what you need to say because it’s the truth and because you have to stand up for your rights and your dignity.

There’s Nothing Warm and Fuzzy About It. Our judicial system is not based on empathy, but on serving justice. That said, you and the court may differ on what justice is. If you led this action with the truth and an open heart and did what you needed to do to prepare your case well, the decision rests with a jury or judge and it’s out of your control. This is the stark reality. Learn acceptance and work on letting go of resistance…and move on.

Surviving a court case takes courage, strength, and a solid support system. Be good to yourself during this time and don’t add any more stress; court is stressful enough.

Wednesday

Partner

Don’t Dump Your Partner Just Because You’re in the Dumps

Is your relationship unfulfilling? Have you been down this road before with past loves and wonder why you’re once again traveling the same path? Are you contemplating dumping your partner because this isn’t the relationship you envisioned?

You may be inclined to blame the person you love, but why don’t you try something different this time? Rather than pointing the finger, look to see what you can do to shift the balance. Often we blame and criticize our partner for not giving us what we have stopped giving to them and to the relationship. If you feel ignored, are you no longer reaching out? Are you less grateful or appreciative or supportive of your partner? What does your behavior reveal about your feelings for the other person?

Rewind for a Moment. When you wonder what has happened in your relationship, spend some time reviewing good memories of your time with this person. You both may be going through a bad patch and may feel distant toward each other. Create moments in your mind to connect with the relationship so you do not create more distance.

Reach Out. Without demanding anything, just be present and do something thoughtful for your partner. Focus on pleasant memories and positive qualities of the other person and why you chose to be with this person in the first place.

Share Your Thoughts. Remember something good or funny or interesting that happened to you, and how you thought of your mate during the interaction or event.

Compliment and Demonstrate Appreciation. Recognizing your partner’s contribution to your family, well-being, and life can make you feel closer as a couple and contribute to feeling less lonely.

First look at yourself instead of your partner when trying to improve your relationship.

Thursday

Family, Friends, Partner

Keeping Score

Because humans are not perfect and everyone makes mistakes, relationships are challenging. Nobody gets it right all the time. It is up to you to decide how much you are willing to give the person you are with the benefit of the doubt.

Every relationship is different, and what we tolerate in one we might not tolerate in another. Why? Because we are dealing with personalities, agreements, commitments, histories, benefits, and losses, and for each of our relationships we need to acknowledge the differences. A wise person knows that if you keep score you are likely to come out the loser.

Look at People’s Strengths. Pay attention to the nature of your best friend who is compassionate, caring, and a great listener but who cannot get it together to initiate a telephone call. Do you cancel her out of your life? Can you be fine with being the one to make the calls and leave it at that? Or are you going to use her inability to call you against her and cancel out the rest of her positive attributes?

Ask Not What Others Can Do for You. Focus on what you can comfortably do for your mate, friends, and family without feeling as if you are being taken for granted or taken advantage of. When the line is crossed and you feel uneasy, you can reconsider the imbalance and either pull back to a comfortable level or discuss your situation with the other person.

Nothing is Equal. People offer one another their personal gifts, which are not always equal but can still be equitable.

If you want to keep score, go to a baseball game; don’t try to build a relationship.

Friday

Friends

Love and War

One of the most uncomfortable, and untenable situations is being caught in a fight between friends. So many people have witnessed savage and consistent arguments between couples, both in public places and in private settings.

What is the correct thing to do? Do you silently endure the damage? Do you step in and try to resolve the conflict? Do you take sides if a question is hurled your way? Do you get up and leave, making your position known via a slamming door?

Can You Help? First things first; decide if you can be helpful in the situation. If you think you can, ask how you can do anything constructive and do only that. Then see if you can remove yourself from the situation.

Do not Take Sides. You are not a fireman who can put out fires. Don’t offer an opinion on either the tone of the argument or the subject at hand. Sticking up for one or the other will only put you in an awkward place. You may also lose the trust and alienate the party you are not siding with at the moment. This is a no-win situation. Instead, back off and let your friends know that you are not interested in being the middleman in their drama.

Give Them Privacy. Give your friends the adequate space to discuss—or harangue—privately. Go for a walk; go to the restroom. You can even set a time limit and let them know you’ll be back in half an hour—or never if they can’t get their act together.

Try to Change the Subject…or ask them to deal with this matter after you leave. Chances are good that you’ll be leaving sooner than they’ll be changing the subject. Accept this reality quickly and gratefully.

Sometimes only you can be fair in love and war.

Weekend

Well-Being

Time Yourself Out

Are you overdue for time off for good behavior? (For any behavior, come to think of it.)

Vacations are supposed to be time away to restore and rejuvenate, but it is becoming harder and harder to accomplish this if you insist on being away with a cell phone, a PDA, and a laptop. Whenever you do manage to get away, be sure to take some real time to take care of yourself. Begin by losing the schedule you follow when you are at home or at work. Create a vacation schedule that is packed with only those things you really want to do that will relax and refresh you.

Travel and Relax. Take time on the plane or train to read for pleasure, listen to music, or just enjoy the view of the clouds. Bring an eyeshade to relax and do not work on your laptop. Make it your goal to arrive at your destination relaxed and ready to explore.

Set a Different Pace…preferably a slower one. If you plan two days at a spa during a busy tour, take the time to study the types of offerings and carefully select and plan time between your sessions. Don’t book every moment of a vacation. Let happy accidents and spontaneous, sensual events happen for you.

Tune In to the Natural World…and tune out your links to the electronic world. Turn off cell phones, laptops, and beepers, and instead connect with the people you are with. Connect as well with nature—take walks, hikes, bike rides. Discover the country and culture you’re in.