Chapter 3

Monday

Well-Being, Family, Community, Friends

Moving from Your Home

You are about to move. If you are like many other women, you are and have been a nester. Over the years you likely have made your home into a sanctuary for yourself and your family, and as you anticipate a move, you may have a desire to cling to what is familiar, safe, and loved.

So how do you tear yourself away, emotionally, from a home you’ve loved for so many years? A place that has been your haven, your comfort through difficult times—a place you and your loved ones have filled with so many memories? The house is, in reality, nothing more than a building. But it is the place that has captured so many memories that now might be left behind.

Be Hands-On. In the process of making this move, try to literally touch everything that is there. Every item has a memory that will come back to you as you pack it or decide where it must go. As you handle things, allow yourself to relive each of those memories, one at a time. This is, in itself, a very important “journey” for you to take…one that you will carry with you as you move into the next chapter of your life.
Let Go. Give yourself permission to let go of things that are no longer useful to you and can enhance someone else’s life. Things that have outlived their usefulness for you can be donated if still in good shape or now belong in the trash.
Others Feel the Loss. Remain aware that you are not the only one who will be feeling sad as this house transfers to new dwellers. Your children, family, and friends have loved being in your home, and it has been a cornerstone for all the people in your life. They, too, have their memories, which they may be reluctant to give up. Your children especially may have difficulty comprehending the “why” of it all (needing to leave a home because of a divorce and inability to maintain the house financially, downsizing because of age or illness, etc.). Understand their struggle with the move.

Say Good-bye with Grace. Attempt to put on a happy face and forge ahead, and grow from this life lesson. Be determined to make this move with grace. Accept the moments when your heart is filled with sadness. Do some of the moving by yourself so you can say a proper good-bye to your home and take with you the cherished memories.

Moving forces you to look at your life along a continuum. You are about to start a new chapter. Close this one in the way that is most comfortable and complete for you.

Tuesday

Parent, Family

One-on-One Parent Time

Every child needs to know he is special. But finding the one-on-one parent time each child so justly deserves is a tall order, especially if your schedule is tight and children have the same school schedules. By making the effort to do special things with each child separately, without dealing with sibling rivalry, dominant or submissive personalities, or the inability to focus on each individual, you will benefit your child’s emotional and mental health. While family time is terrific, it does not replace focused, uninterrupted time with one child at a time.

Schedule “Mom Only” Time. Arrange a special date with each child and put it on the calendar. Give the children the option of selecting their special activity on their own among two or three choices. Talk with the family about the importance of having one-on-one time so each child knows that he’ll get a turn with Mom (and Dad) and that this special time is something that you value.

Focus…on that child when you are together. Stay away from distractions when you are together. Pushing your child on the swing while talking with your friend on the cell phone is not “quality time” together. Use these special days to be with your child, listen to him, walk at his pace, talk about what interests him. If the child has a problem he wants to talk about, use this time to help him problem solve.

Enjoy Your Child. Do your best to make this a positive experience. Pay attention to the wonderful qualities about your child and talk with him about how special he is. This is not the time to chastise your child for misbehavior in school, poor grades, or other disciplinary issues. Make this child the center of your attention and have fun.

Seize One-on-One Opportunities. When your son goes to his friend’s for a last-minute sleepover or when you drop off your daughter for an extra softball practice, ask the other child to come along for the ride and carve out a few minutes to do something special. Squeeze in a few precious minutes from doing errands so you can turn it into a special mother-child opportunity. Stop for a sandwich at the local deli, spend a few minutes at the pet store looking at the puppies, or visit a nearby pond to feed the ducks.

Special things happen when you make time to focus on each child.

Wednesday

Work, Well-Being

Seriously Ill and Working

You are sick but no one at work knows. You may feel that you want to try to keep your diagnosis a secret so that it doesn’t interfere with your work and you can brush it under the table if you recover.

For so many women however, the illness does tend to take over their lives. Try to maintain your sanity and your job as you manage your illness.

Keep Working. It can be a healthy escape from your illness, medications, and treatments.

Decide Whom You Tell. Your immediate supervisor should know if your treatment schedule and illness will affect your work performance. It’s your personal choice to remain quiet if you don’t want to be the topic of conversation at work, or you may choose to have your work friends be your support group. Some may be able to pick up the slack when you are feeling less than stellar.

Get Support…outside work with family and others going through similar illnesses. Find out how they are coping with work life.

When You’re Better. It’s healthy to celebrate your health with coworkers whether they knew or not.

Serious diagnoses can dictate how you manage your work life. Tell or don’t tell…do what works for you.

Thursday

Well-Being

Too Much to Do

Does this sound familiar? You cannot sit still and relax. You are always doing something and feel as if you are wasting time when you’re not doing something. You have a really busy week ahead with lots of things planned and you’re already getting stressed. Even if there are fun things on the agenda, it’s packed, and you’re wondering how you’re going to do everything.

There is such a thing as relaxing. You just have to find it. Change your attitude about being busy and maintain your sanity while keeping yourself in check.

Rethink Busy. Do you equate “busy” with “worthwhile”? If you are not busy, does it mean you are lazy, not contributing, not making a difference? Only you can change your perception of what busy means. Everyone, even the busiest people, needs to kick back and relax to restore herself to balance.
Plan Fewer Things. Attempt to lighten the load in your schedule and just do things as you feel like doing them…or don’t do anything.
Do It When the Spirit Moves You. Participate in activities because you want to and not because you have a list of things to do. When you look at your calendar, allow there to be “holes.” Deal with these breaks by breathing deeply, telling yourself those are your health pockets of time to restore…and that’s why they’re called breathers. Try to destress as you attempt to empty your busy-ness.

Busy does not equal worthwhile.

Friday

Parent, Midlife, Family

They’re Back…and Broke

You thought you raised your child to be responsible about money. And then she appears at your door, expecting to live with you, with credit card debt and not a penny in the bank.

Discussing the financial arrangement before your adult child moves back home will help you to keep your sanity as well as help your child become more financially accountable.

Blaming Backfires. What result do you want? If you want to badger your kid for getting into another “money mess,” think long and hard about whether that will serve any positive purpose.
Let Them Contribute. If your adult child moves in, she becomes part of the household now. There are errands to do, dinners to prepare, laundry to fold, a garden to weed, rooms to paint. And the list goes on…
You’re Not Being Cheap. When your adult child begins to earn money, you can ask her to contribute financially to your household. Let go of guilt by holding the money in a bank account and returning it to her when she is ready to move out.

The way you handle money is not necessarily the way your kids will handle it. Your way may or may not be better, but if they live with you, you can offer to be helpful as they get back on their feet.

Weekend

Community, Aging

Volunteering: What the World Needs Now Is You

Everyone everywhere can use a helping hand. At some point in your life, someone was probably there for you at a difficult or lonely moment. If someone wasn’t there, wouldn’t you have appreciated it if someone had been? Why not become that person you most wanted and needed, and then be available for someone else?

Volunteering to help others, especially when you are older (a time of life when many people focus on what they either no longer have or can no longer do), can be an enriching experience that will give you an immeasurable sense of self-worth, as well as an iron-clad defense against feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Do What You Like to Do. Do something or be in a setting that suits you and your personality. If you like to be around babies, there are plenty who would love to be held and cuddled, and who need affection. If animals are your thing, offer to take some of the shelter dogs for walks. Tutor a child at the local clubs or youth organizations. If you have musical talents, offer to play the piano at the local nursing home or church social.

Don’t Look for Anything in Return. When you are older—and hopefully wiser and more mature—you understand that the returns are often not what you thought they would be. Allow yourself to be surprised by what you experience.

It’s a Real Job. Think of your volunteer job as “your” job. Focus time and energy into your work and realize that you’re helping other people in a profound way.

Don’t Get in Over Your Head. Get to know the routine of the job and the environment. Find a schedule that works for you and when you are at your most energetic and alert. You can always do more; what is difficult is jumping in too soon and having to cut back on your commitment. People will soon be dependent on you and grateful to you, so get off to a good start by being realistic about what you can do.