Week 31

Monday

Single, Well-Being

Single and in a Social Rut

You really want to meet people, but going out with the same crew each weekend is getting old. You’re tired of the bar scene, and all that partying gets you nowhere.

How can you get off the merry-go-round and get a new perspective? Keep your sanity by branching out and developing new connections that give you a whole different view of life and how to live it.

• Sign Up. What have you wanted to do? Cooking class, bike riding, a wine-tasting class? Do things you have never done or have not done in a very long time.
• Give Yourself a Chance…and the nerve to meet people who are different from you. Open your mind to know those in other areas of town, in different income brackets, involved in new interests, or from other ethnicities or cultures.
• Commit to Attendance. It may be forced at first, but once you find the things you enjoy and the people you like, going to a meeting, class, or get-together will become enjoyable. It just takes that first step—so commit to attend something that gets you out there, once a month.

You’re in a rut and can pull yourself out.

Tuesday

Parent, Midlife

Older Mom

OK, so you have accepted that you’ll be the oldest mom at “Mommy & Me” classes and have the gray hairs to prove it. But as a midlife woman who has decided to become a new mother, have you come to terms with whether you can keep it together and do what is required to be a mom? You may ask yourself if you are capable of putting a child’s needs ahead of your own. Are you concerned with how your life will change and how you will take care of yourself?

To date, much of your life has focused on yourself. You have spent much of your energy responding to your own needs, not having to be concerned about a child. Can you be responsive to the needs of anyone else, let alone someone so vulnerable and dependable? And what happens to those after-work parties, massages, and traveling to exotic places?

• Allow Shifts…within yourself to take place. You may not have wanted to have a child earlier in your life. Or you may have been trying for a very long time and now find you are going to be a mother. Many things about being a mom are out of your control, but allowing yourself to learn from the experience is not one of them.
• Settle into Motherhood. Ambivalence is part of coming to terms with any resentment that the child is “interfering” with your life. Even though you may have strived for perfection in your work and accomplished significant things in life, being a mother may slow your pace for a while. Learn your new maternal rhythm and revel in being the best mother you can be. Focus not only on the ways your life has changed but on how it has been enhanced.
• “Be” with Your Baby. Teach yourself to live in the moment and be present with your child. Tickle those toes, sing and play. Savor each precious moment you are together.
• “Be” with Yourself. Save some time just for you and schedule that massage. Rest, exercise, eat healthfully to be strong and energetic for your child. Get as much help as you can muster.
• Focus on Your Unique Qualities…that you can give to your child, and transform your limitations into strengths. An older mom generally has more patience, more life experience and more money.

The qualities that make a good mother are not necessarily limited by age.

Wednesday

Work, Family

It’s a Family Affair

Joining the family business, rather than carving a career elsewhere, may or may not be something you have been longing to do. If you have been groomed since the cradle to follow in your parents’ footsteps, then working in your family’s company has always been at the forefront. Just like the British royals, doing something else was never an option.

Hopefully, you’ve been put on the letterhead because you want to be there. If this really isn’t your idea, question whether this job is something you’re doing out of duty or loyalty, or whether you can find your own satisfying niche to save your sanity when the inevitable differences of opinion between family members arise.

• Keep Your Identity. Get out of old familiar and not-so-healthy roles you developed growing up in the family. Hold your personal power and know you are to be treated as an adult. Defer to your family mentors, but don’t get steamrolled by the leader of the clan. Hold your own.
• Value You. You have something valuable to contribute to this business. Show respect to other family members who have put in the long hours. But expect recognition for a job well done.
• Avoid Family Rivalry. Pay attention to your sibling relationships and recognize if you or other family members treat one another in ways that were forged in childhood. If so, treat your family as adult peers and colleagues and set an example. Kindly confront those who exhibit less than professionalism standards.

Being a part of a family business could be the most rewarding job you’ll ever have; just get off to a great start by setting unassuming boundaries and knowing your value.

Thursday

Partner

Coming Back after an Affair

Affairs usually signify that there are unresolved issues in the relationship. Affairs are about betrayal.

When you have an affair you take part of yourself away from your spouse. You lie about where you are going, where you have been, and you make up excuses why you cannot be together or sleep together or share yourself. There is a whole part of your life that you cannot talk about.

The real key is how you can begin to have an honest relationship after you have been in a dishonest one. Trust and expectations are shattered. It takes time, energy, and a fair amount of risk taking to rebuild a new foundation for the marriage. Start one step at a time to attempt to get your marriage on track.

• Examine What Happened. First consider the reasons that you had an affair (sexual frustration; inquisitiveness; payback; boredom; need for recognition, acceptance, or appreciation) and try to assess whether these issues can be addressed within the marriage without the third party involved.
• Save the Marriage or Not? Can you make a serious commitment to your spouse to try to work out your differences honestly, renegotiate your marriage agreement, and rethink the way you want to be married? This takes strong will, determination, and an open heart.
• Can You Take the Consequences? Are you willing to accept your spouse’s emotional and behavioral responses to your affair, such as intense anger, disappointment, accusations, and rejection? Can you take responsibility for “leaving” the relationship and the problems you have with it?
• Change Your Ways. Agree to become more trustworthy, open, and honest. Understand that you may never be forgiven.

If you take responsibility for what led up to the affair and commit to examining yourself and your marriage, you may have a stronger and more committed marriage in the end.

Friday

Friends, Family, Work

Insert Foot Into Mouth

Ever been in the position of saying something and then, afterward, realizing (either because someone comments or you have an epiphany) that you said the wrong thing? You feel awful. It may have been said in innocence or without thinking, but nonetheless it was said.

It’s difficult to make a comeback after you blurt out something that’s inappropriate. Kidding someone about not having a drink at a party without appreciating that he may have begun dealing with a drinking problem, or sharing the news that someone is pregnant when she wanted to keep it a secret is embarrassing. How do you recover from these awkward moments?

• Let Experience Be Your Guide. It may take only one comment such as “When are you due?” and realizing that her three-month-old is in the stroller to learn to think before you speak. Sometimes we don’t think what we say is going to be inappropriate or put someone in an uncomfortable position, and yet we keep at it. Joking about it can really add to the level of discomfort. Learn from experience so you know that in a similar situation in the future you will act differently. And that may be enough.
• Apologize. But it also may be useful, after you are aware of what you did, to calmly approach the person either by letter, e-mail, phone, or in person and let her know you are sorry you pushed her at a time when it was inappropriate. You hope you did not cause any grief and if you did, you ask her to forgive you. Tell her that you learned from the experience and will, in the future, contain your enthusiasm for commenting about something you are not sure of.

Sharpen your awareness of what can offend people, and steer clear of these topics.

Weekend

Community, Well-Being, Family

Deciding to Be an Organ Donor

If you are in relatively good physical shape, regardless of age, you can donate your tissues and organs to help those who would otherwise not have the opportunity to live their lives to the fullest, or at all. Such selfless giving is a truly generous act, because you are giving the possibility of life to people who you do not know. It is up to you to reflect on and come to a decision about what you want to do with your body, and it is also up to you to make sure that your family understands your desire.

• Even if you have a signed donor card on your driver’s license, discuss your decision with your family, since they may be the ones to intervene by signing a consent form to permit your organs to be donated.
• You can give back to your community in many ways—when you are alive and when you are dead. Think seriously about what the gift of life would mean to you if you, your child, parent, or sibling was in a situation where they were waiting for an organ that could save their lives or provide a quality of life they would otherwise never have.

Each of us can consider contributing to the well-being of those we do not know in ways that can change their lives forever. You have the gift of life should you choose to use it.