Chapter 34

Monday

Work, Well-Being

Creating a Peaceful Workspace

With so many changes in the workplace these days, more and more people are working in physical environments that are quite challenging. The ability to have a private conversation, quiet environment to think or create, or view of the outdoors is becoming a thing of the past. Even if you like your job and enjoy your coworkers, your work environment itself may hamper your ability to operate at your peak capacity.

By working in a peaceful space, you can maximize your productivity. Take a cue from city cab drivers. They are in the worst traffic all day and yet their cabs are refuges from the stress and craziness. Dashboards often display photos of beautiful places, children, or a religious passage, while music drowns out horns, sirens, and jackhammers on the city streets.

You can enjoy work, too, when you are surrounded by peaceful pictures and mementos that really mean something to you and speak to your individuality.

Create a Space That Is Yours. It does not have to be large but it needs to have something in it that reflects you. Even if you share the space with someone, personalize it by hanging a photo of your family, your pet, or a place that brings you a sense of peace and tranquillity.

Drown Out the Noise. If you need to focus on your work and the din of the office is too distracting, plug in your earphones so you can hear music. If music doesn’t do it for you, record nature sounds or use white noise to block out competing, distracting sounds. Creating a calm work environment will enhance your productivity as well as your mood.

Take “Breath” Breaks. At your desk, close your eyes and inhale deeply, visualizing yourself at a beach, in the mountains, or on the shore of a lake; somewhere in nature where you feel comfortable. Feel the calm come over you and restore your feeling of centeredness. Follow your breath in and out as you say to yourself, “My breath will guide my work.”

Expand Your Workplace. During coffee breaks or lunch breaks, try to go outside or look out a window and focus on a particular spot. When you return to work, bring that place with you in your mind’s eye. Every day, focus on a different spot so that you bring a “new view” to your work. This can help you find a different perspective to a challenging work issue or give you a fresh way to problem solve.

We can always enhance our environment to reflect more of who we are.

Tuesday

Parent, Partner, Family

You, the Kids, and Your Ex

It’s a proven fact that children need to spend time with both parents. Even if you have not worked out all your issues with your ex-spouse, it is generally better for children when they are able to spend time with both of their parents. They especially need to know their noncustodial parent cares about them, appreciates them, and is interested in what they are doing and what their interests are.

As they grow up, it’s important that they continue to identify with, love, and be proud of both parents. Save your family’s sanity as you establish a new relationship with your ex-spouse and keep things as smooth and secure as possible for the children.

Inform Your Ex…about everything concerning the kids. It is up to the parents (not the children) to know what is going on with school (a parent-teacher meeting, a change in a soccer practice), health (a sore throat or a curious rash), or family matters (a grandparent who is in the hospital). To stay in the loop, both parents should be on the contact list (via e-mail, telephone, or mail) for school and other activities.

Set Up Frequent, Predictable Visits. Children need to establish a reliable pattern of life. The noncustodial parent connection should be present and consistent. This is especially true with young children, who do better with frequent but short visits. They have less difficulty separating if they know they will be seeing that parent again soon, and can rely on their vibrant memory in between visits.

Parents Are Forever. You may need to say again and again that even though the marriage ended, the parent-child relationship will continue. Both parents need to tell the children that they will always love them and will never abandon them. Reiterate that the connection with each parent is forever.

Let the kids know that although you will now be a two-household family, you will always be a family.

Wednesday

Family, Friends

When Someone You Love Is an Alcoholic

Often it is difficult to come to terms and accept someone you love who is an alcoholic. You may make excuses, deny, pretend, and overlook what is obviously a problem. In fact, you may be exacerbating the problem by not accepting it.

Be patient and try not to interfere as they work on their issues. It’s up to you to learn how to deal with alcoholism directly while saving your sanity in the process.

Are You Really Helping? When you make excuses, understand that some of your behaviors and actions may in fact be contributing to and perpetuating your loved one’s alcoholic behavior.
Change for the Better. Although you may wish and pray that your loved one will change, you must come to terms with the fact that you are only able to change yourself. Investigate a support group (such as Al-Anon) for family members of people who have issues with alcohol and see how you can make positive changes in your life. Have a life of your own.
Live with Dignity. Ask yourself if this is the life you feel you deserve and whether you can imagine living a life that allows you to live with more dignity.

When you realize you are not tied to a life of embarrassment, lies, unkind behavior, and defeatism, you can begin to change your attitude and live the life you deserve while still loving the other person.

Thursday

Friends

Renewing Friendships

Even though you know the mental, emotional, and physical benefits of having friends, you may have difficulty keeping up with your friendships. Busy lives, family, work obligations, and trying to fit in that all-important private time often prevent you from nurturing those friendships. Sometimes it even causes you to be reluctant to reach out to old friends with whom you have lost touch or whose counsel or company you may have enjoyed in the past. For many reasons, cultivating friendships gets lost from your radar screen.

You can pick up where you left off with some friends; play quick catch-up and all is well. When you are with them you wonder where the time has gone. You miss being in their company and you know you are safe in their presence and that whatever you tell them will be safe, too.

But how do you do it? How do you reach out to someone from whom you have fallen away? Just pick up the phone? Send an e-mail? For some, yes, for others, no. Find what works for you and be aware of why you are contacting this person at this time. Maybe you need something. Your child wants to apply to her alma mater; your husband is ill and you need to have access to a hospital where she can be influential; you need a loan and she has money…whatever the reason, be up front about it.

When there is a warm place in your heart for an old friend, the years do not have to affect it. If you are somewhere that reminds you of your college roommate, why not reach out and give her a call? When you are in her city for a conference and think it would be good to say hello after all these years, go ahead and do it. Be clear about what you want and why you are reaching out and see what happens.

Be Open to Her Memories. Everyone recalls her past differently so be aware that you may learn something about yourself and your friend that you were not aware of. Your impressions and your memory may not jive exactly with your friend’s. What was important to you may not carry the same significance to her.

Touch Her with How She Touched Your Life. Was she influential in the way you approached your first job? Did she help you during a difficult time of your own life? “I remember after my mom died, you and I sat on the bed and cried and I felt that since you knew my mom you understood what I was going through.” “When I think of you I recall how I looked to you as a model for how to parent my children since you had three terrific kids and I married late. You were my role model.”

Understand Why You Connected. Establish if there is something you are both experiencing at this time of your life that you can share or relate to. There may be a reason that you sought each other out now, at this moment of your life. Share what is important to you and how you spend your time. See if there are links from your past that help you to understand the choices you make now.

Something New from an Old Friend. Maybe you’ll discover that you have something to offer that you did not have before. You may have both had a similar health crisis and your experi ence may benefit her. Be open to acknowledging that there are many reasons and benefits for reconnecting.

No Judgments. If you seek out an old friend, give the encounter your best shot. Drop any judgment about your life path versus her life path. Be ready to see and hear and witness who she has become and is becoming. Maybe you shifted apart for reasons that are no longer valid (you did not like her husband and she is now divorced; her child who has extra needs is settled and she has more time and interest in things other than her family). She brought something to your life before, so give it your best effort to capture something in your friendship that has value today.

Friendships of long ago may stay as they were in our memory or may be revisited and rejuvenated.

Friday

Midlife, Well-Being

Sex at Midlife

Weren’t you told that you were going to be at your sexual prime in midlife? With more confidence about who you are under your belt and a mature outlook on sex, why isn’t your sex life at its peak?

Lots of things are going on in your forties and fifties and sixties. Guess what? Physical changes and aging are also happening to your partner. Problems related to maintaining erectile endurance are as normal for him as menopausal symptoms such as dryness are normal for you. And you might both be dealing with lower libidos and lots of stress.

Does this mean it’s time to throw away your lingerie? Heck no. Save your sanity between the sheets and keep your sex life alive.

When Things Are Down. If a diminishing testosterone level and daily stress is affecting his performance, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. He still wants you but his manhood may be in an adjustment phase. It’s about not being the virile twenty-year-old anymore, and his acceptance of that fact. Have patience and a willingness to talk about it. Bring this out in the open in a way that’s comfortable so it’s not something he has to harbor alone in the dark.

No Sex Intimacy. When you’re physically not in sync, plan an evening of togetherness without the expectation of sex. Light candles and give each other massages with scented oil. Take a soothing bath and lovingly wash each other. Cuddle and hold each other and talk about how close you really are. Find ways to connect with your bodies, hearts, and souls and let sex happen when it happens.

It’s an Opportunity. Instead of bagging sex altogether and watching yet another rented movie to avoid being with your partner, find ways to be pleased other than the usual positions. Come on, you know what they are. Live out a fantasy or explore things you’ve been thinking of but haven’t been brave enough to do. Find the nerve to ask him or show him something new. You now might have his attention, and since things take a bit longer, you have his time as well. Enjoy!

You don’t have to be the couple with the bedroom door open because nothing is going on. Put more thought into intimacy and close those doors.

Weekend

Well-Being, Midlife

Find Your Look

You may be basically content with the clothes in your wardrobe, comfortable in the belief that you’ve developed a style of dress that’s right for you. But self-proclaimed fashion experts on television are telling you what not to wear (and what they’re telling you what not to wear is what you’re wearing!). And a nagging inner voice is telling you to rethink your sense of style.

If you’ve always been a person who’s considered herself well groomed and attired and received consistent positive feedback, hearing something different from everyone from a talk show host to your office mate can be confusing and unsettling. It can certainly cause you to question your own judgment. But it can also open your mind to perhaps even enhancing the “together look” you’ve already self-designed.

Reassess Your Look. What is it you like about it—what about it says so much about who you are? When you put these clothes on, are you projecting the image you want to project? If, for example, you love to wear solid, dark colors and your wardrobe is all about that, go through it carefully and remove items that could be considered out of style or a bit threadbare. They may be favorites in terms of fit, but you can probably find a more up-to-date version in the marketplace.

Try Someplace New to Shop. Pay a visit to stores you’ve never considered before. Even if they’re pricey and you can only window shop, a fresh place can give you ideas for creating new outfits out of some of the clothes you already own or spark your interest for a new color, fabric, or accessory. And a little secret about stores you formerly considered prohibitive due to sky-high prices and exclusive clientele? You’ll often also find in these stores several fellow shoppers just like you who are looking for something well made, simple, and stylish.

Know Your Style and Wear It. So what to do when the TV tells you that wearing black makes you look “like your grandmother”? Or that you really can’t wear a certain kind of shoe with that length skirt. Or when your friend comments that “Women over forty should wear little skirts over bathing suits that should only be brightly colored?” You should smile, think how much you really enjoy your clothes and look, and at your next pool party plan to wear that new black bathing suit you just bought on sale at that formerly forbidden elegant store and know how smashing it looks on you!