Week 35

Monday

Family, Parent, Midlife, Well-Being

Loving People Whose Choices Disturb You

There are some situations that cause negative changes in your personality, making you feel sad, depressed, impatient, or anxious. When you analyze how you feel, you realize your emotional downswings are directly related to someone you love: your child, a relative, or a close friend.

You appreciate that almost everything else in your life works perfectly, except when you have dealings with your loved one. You get upset knowing that she does not take her university studies seriously, goes out late with friends, and often hangs out in unsafe neighborhoods, or gets involved in romantic relationships with someone who is clearly, and potentially devastatingly, wrong for her.

Living with this person’s unhappiness and unconscious internal suffering contribute to your personal torment and worry. What can you do to save your own sanity while witnessing someone you love engage in self-destructive behavior?

• Judging Doesn’t Help. Acknowledge the fact that at this point in the person’s life, her priorities do not agree with what most people in your world consider healthy (God, family, work, college, friends). Talk to the person with an open heart, without judgment, sharing your concern about her choices and lifestyle.
• Find Solace in Reflection. Ask for support and pray to heal this person’s emotional and spiritual wounds and scars, likely caused by situations in life that she has been exposed to. Meditate and focus on her well-being, sending thoughts and visualizations of health and safety.
• Appreciate Your Wisdom…which is an accumulation of years of experience and guidance, and be grateful for everything you have in life that helps you (food, friends, health, a home, a job). Even though you would love this person to have such wisdom, believe that in time she will grow, heal, and discover happiness.

Daily caring for yourself and focusing on the well-being of the person you are concerned about can help you diminish the negative effects of their choices on your health.

Tuesday

Friends, Family, Well-Being

Responding to Friends with Your Difficult News

Thank goodness you have friends. Good friends. They are there for you and want to help while you are going through a tough time. But hey, you are exhausted. After coming home from treatments or taking care of your ill parent or going through an ordeal with your child, you just cannot have that “just fill me in” conversation with anyone.

Even though you’re so appreciative of your friends’ caring and support, how can you possibly keep your sanity while addressing their need to know what is going on in your life?

• Telephone Chain. It is not possible to tell everyone everything and you have to conserve your energy. Let your friends and family know you are going to post news with the people you are most in contact with and let them pass it down the line.
• Create a Blog. You or someone with computer know-how can prepare a blog or a newsletter that you send to friends and family at various intervals. By logging on to your personal website or reading the e-mail entitled, “Joe’s Health and Status Report #6,” you can satisfy your need to share and their need to know without repeating the same story twenty times each day.
• Make a List. You should have a list of names, numbers, and e-mail addresses of people to contact if news must be relayed quickly. Keep this list handy so you can delegate this task to a friend or relative should the need arise.

Keep in touch with loved ones in a “mass” way to keep them in the loop about you or someone you are caring for.

Wednesday

Parent, Family

Career Moms Running Their Kids’ Lives

Career women who stay at home and become full-time mothers may “run” their children as they ran their careers. If you are a mom who plans and is very goal oriented, pay close attention to the fact that you may not be focused on your child and what he or she needs but on what you as a mom need.

A danger in running your kids’ lives as though you were running a company is that not as much care is given to the process of your child’s growing up and discovering and doing what comes naturally. More attention (and value) is given to the outcome. “How is your project going to come out?” rather than “What is your science project going to be about?”

• Don’t Grade Yourself. Remember that kids get report cards, not you. If you did a great job in your career and don’t feel you do as well as a stay-at-home mom, that is OK. Success as a mom is hard to measure. Work on raising happy kids.
• Encourage and Support. Children flourish with moms who allow them to be the unique individuals that they are. Let them progress at their pace, and don’t have an underlying agenda that you impose, either consciously or subconsciously, for your own gratification.
• Let Them Be Kids… and let yourself enjoy playful time with them. If your son misses the sink and accidentally throws a sponge at your head, turn around, look at his fearful eyes, and laugh. Humor helps take the edge off your expectations and can keep your home out of the boardroom.

A stay-at-home mom’s job is raising children, not profits.

Thursday

Well-Being, Community

Dealing with Differences

When we’re overwhelmed by current events and all that we have to do, it’s easy to become stressed and impatient with the people we live and deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes we snap more easily with family members and coworkers and are not as accepting of differences of opinions and different outlooks.

• Don’t Put Down Others’ Opinions. Try not to judge or criticize. Keep personalities and history out of it. Stick to the topic at hand.
• Be Creative in Problem Solving. Compromise is OK…even for parents!
• Step into Their Shoes. Allow yourself to see the other person’s perspective and try something new. You do not have to agree. Even if the subject matter is difficult and clear answers are hard to come by, hang in there. Allowing others to be themselves shows you care.
• Listen Better. Do not interrupt or don’t anticipate what the other person will say.
• Be Patient. Lay the groundwork for mutual respect and consideration when it’s time to say your “peace.”

Just because you have always looked at a situation one way, doesn’t mean it’s the only way.

Friday

Friends, Family

Being a Good Host

Company! Does that word direct a shock through your system? Do you conjure up images of yourself peeping through the curtains pretending you are not home or, on the contrary, are you eagerly awaiting the time together when you can enjoy your company?

Before you have people over, be sure you have what it takes to be a good host. That does not mean that you must work your tail off to prepare legions of gourmet food (although you may want to). It does mean that you make your guests feel as if you are happy they are with you, that you make time to be with them, and that you don’t spend the time together feeling as if you are a servant. The whole point of having people visit is to enjoy their company, and sometimes the best way to do that is to plan activities that you enjoy (with and without them) so you have the energy and interest to be together.

• Communicate the House Rules. You can have expectations of how your guests will behave but unless you tell them, they may not know your guidelines. If you cannot have music blasting after ten, you need to tell them. If you don’t want wet towels in the hamper, you need to tell them. It is all about what is on and off limits. If you live in an adult-oriented home, be careful about extending invitations to people with children.
• Tolerate Normalcy. You are not going to change someone’s lifelong habits, so be sure you are able to share a bathroom, a kitchen, or whatever before you extend an invitation. When people arrive with children, expect kid play. Maybe it’s best to put away your fine china accessories before guests arrive than to risk having them shattered on the hardwood floor.
• Make Them Feel at Home. When you open your home to guests, you also need to open your heart so they feel welcome. If the visit brings tension, make the best of the situation and see it through. If someone breaks something accidentally, be as gracious as you can. Accidents happen, and your guest will likely feel dreadful about what she did.
• Who’s on Vacation? Sometimes when your guests are on vacation, they expect you to be, too. Entertaining while trying to keep up with your normal schedule can be overwhelming. Falling into bed exhausted because you are trying to be the best possible host can also breed resentment. Either take a few days off from your normal routine or make it clear to your guests that you have other obligations. If you are not going to be able to chauffeur, ask guests to rent a car; or hop a bus, train, or taxi; or bike or walk.
• Plan Time Together and Alone. Realize that the time will likely fly by if you are having fun with your guests while taking care of yourself. If you usually wake up to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and read the paper, you may need to wake up earlier to have that happen. If your guests are early risers, then either read together or find another time of the day to be alone.

The most valuable gift you can give to your guest is being a gracious host.

Weekend

Well-Being

Rituals

Rituals are important, helpful, and powerful. Performing a ritual is a small way of celebrating or honoring a bigger event in your life, and helps us gain insight when we are dealing with change.

Whether you perform an inner healing ritual, request a blessing, or engage in a special tradition for a special occasion, rituals can be encouraging, reassuring, and comforting. Holding on to our routines and rituals helps maintain our sanity and balance.

Before you begin performing a ritual, your heart must be open to the experience. Ask yourself, what is your intention? Throughout the ritual, allow yourself to be open to a different perspective. It is important when you perform a ritual that you suspend judgment and just allow yourself to “be.”

• Old or New. A ritual is most effective when it has meaning for you. If you’re performing an old ritual that isn’t fulfilling, consider designing a new ritual to enliven a connection.
• “Everyday” Rituals. Morning coffee and reading the paper, walking the dog along a familiar path, calling a friend at the same time each week can be simple ways to ritualize a familiar pattern. Everyday routines can become rituals if you pay close attention to them and focus on the change you hope to experience.
• Beginnings and Endings. Rituals can help to bring closure. Tearing up a letter from someone who has hurt you and since died can be a freeing way to relegate them to your past. Writing your fears in the sand or on a piece of paper and lighting them on fire as you watch them burn can be amazingly liberating. Rituals can reflect a tradition such as a rite of passage or the naming of a child or the scattering of ashes.
• Slow Down. You cannot perform a ritual at accelerated speed. Where and how are you going to do this? Be sure you are not going to be disturbed as you begin your process. Allow yourself the time to do what you need.
• Get Your Tools. Collect whatever you need to give this ritual meaning—materials from nature, art supplies, old photos, magazine pictures, and fragrances.
• Keep It Simple. Rituals can be as simple as lighting a candle or filling a vase with flowers or thinking a special thought. The object is comfort.

Try this ritual when faced with a decision: Stand in the yoga “mountain” posture by firmly planting your feet on the ground, placing your hands at your side and standing tall. Visualize being a tree of your family—a family tree—rooted to your ancestors both in the ground and in the heavens. Listen for guidance from those in your ancestry.