Week 37

Monday

Partner

The Second Time Around

You’ve heard the stats. Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. There’s enough doom and gloom information out there that makes you wonder how anyone can ever walk down the aisle again.

But you love this person. This is a good, healthy, solid relationship. Save your sanity by being aware of the mistakes of the past and make this one last.

• Be a Realist. You can be a romantic at heart, but when it comes to your expectations about marriage, remember, no marriage is perfect.
• Do What Works This Time. Did blaming, anger, and keeping score work in your first marriage? Bet not. So take the best from marriage number one and leave the rest. Be committed and flexible. Set aside special couple time. Listen carefully, make decisions together, and respect those boundaries. Don’t forget your sense of humor.
• Anticipate Differences…lots of them. Second marriages are more complicated, especially if there are kids. Map out money issues, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and daily routines before you say, “I do.”

Flexible is the buzzword for second marriages. You’ll also need a whole lot of patience, and an open and forgiving heart.

Tuesday

Parent, Work

It’s Easier at the Office

Did you leave your career to be an at-home mom and wish you hadn’t? Can you admit that playing with blocks and doing loads of laundry are not your strong suits? Do you long for lunches with colleagues and stimulating business projects?

If you are considering leaving your at-home job and returning to “greener” pastures for your old job or career, let this be a personal decision for what is best for you and your family. Full-time motherhood may not be for you, and you need to make that OK.

• Filter Out the Mother Guilt. Leave open the possibility that your at-home job may not be what is best for everyone. You will be a better mother in the long run if you truly believe you can best serve yourself and your family by working outside your home. If you are fulfilling your needs, you’ll be able to focus on your children more effectively and give them what they need from you. Allow yourself to seek out a nanny, arrange day care, or ask a willing family member to care for your kids and go and do what you do best.
• Breathe Easier. The safety precaution on airlines is to put your face mask on if you need oxygen and then assist your children. Same goes for your professional goals. Your oxygen supply just might be your work. When you are getting your daily dose you’ll be able to give a breath of fresh air to your kids and everyone around you.
• Make a Healthy Transition. Maybe you need to get right to work full-time to restore what’s missing in your life. Or working part-time for a while and creating a schedule that is good for everyone in your life is perhaps a better arrangement. Be realistic about what you can and can’t do. Bringing work home at night might be more difficult with a baby or kids around. You may have to make some changes so your career and home life can successfully coexist.

Going back to work is a whole lot better than expecting your child to be your work project.

Wednesday

Parent, Family, Community

Interracial/Multicultural Children

If you are in an interracial relationship or involved with someone who is from another culture or country, it is essential to keep your children exposed to that other culture or race. It is a part of who they are. This is especially important if there is limited or no contact with their father because of death, living far apart, or any other reason.

How can you provide positive experiences and role models to your children when the other half of their gene pool might be a bit foreign to you?

• Live in a Nurturing Community. If you can, live in a neighborhood that is not homogenous. Mixed backgrounds, nationalities, and races will enrich your and your children’s lives while allowing them to feel as if they are not “so different.”
• Seek Out Role Models. Look for mentors from the race or culture that is part of your children’s makeup so they can identify with that part of themselves as they develop their own identity. If there is a good male teacher in school that your boys can identify with, make sure they are in his class. Similarly, look for after-school sports, music, arts programs that have wonderful coaches and instructors from their father’s culture, race, or religion. Find people who are accomplished in their fields and who will be people your kids will look up to. A guitar teacher who shares a common background with your children may teach them more about themselves than just music.
• Find Other Ways to Influence Them. Volunteer and introduce your children to as many people and families as you can. If possible, enroll your children in schools where they are not in the minority. Expose them to theater, music, and dance that is representative of their other parent’s culture.

Your children deserve and need to have positive experiences with their heritage.

Thursday

Well-Being, Family, Friends

Recovering from Sexual Abuse

You know you have been abused…as a child or as a young woman or an older woman. Whenever it happened, you may have put it aside, gone to the police/courts, told a trusted friend or family member, or kept it a secret. But you know all too well that some of the responses you have now, years later, are related to what happened to you.

Healing takes time…a long time, with support and openness and a direct desire to face what occurred in your past. The way to keep your sanity while coming to terms with what happened is to look at the world and yourself differently, to release the power that the abuse has over your life, and to regain control of your own life and the feelings associated with the sexual abuse.

• Be in a Safe Environment and Share…only with people you trust and who can relate to the devastation you experienced. You will realize a very important fact; you are not alone either in the experience or in your journey. This may be in a group therapy situation, an online support group, or an individual therapy situation. It may also be possible to invite someone into your life who can respect what happened to you. Through acceptance, empathy, and compassion, that person can assist you in your emotional healing.
• Mourn Your Losses. If you were abused as a child, allow yourself to grieve for the loss you experienced…the loss of innocence, of childhood, of trust, of protection from the adults in your world. Begin to take care of “that child” as if she was your own, in need of comfort, understanding, and nurturing. If you were an adult victim, the ability to mourn for all that was taken from you is an important part of healing. Be aware that dealing with feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and shame are part of this rocky territory.
• Reclaim You. Believe that, in time—and it is a process—you will be able to regain a sense of yourself as a whole person; a person who has value and self-worth, who can begin to trust yourself and other people. Whether you decide to confront the person who abused you (and there are many ways to do this if you choose to, even if the person is dead) is a highly personal decision. Give yourself time.

As you recover and become who you were unable to become because of the sexual abuse, you may feel worse before you feel better—but you can regain your strength and your sense of self as a valuable person.

Friday

Well-Being, Friends, Family

Consider a Pet

You may wonder whether it is worthwhile to get a pet. You’re not home all the time and a pet would be one more thing to think about, but floppy ears and a wagging tail to welcome you would be nice to come home to.

Whether or not you had a pet when you were a child, the returns can be beyond measure. Pets provide companionship; improved physical, emotional, and mental health and well-being; connection; security; playfulness; laughter; and exercise. And a pet helps you stay balanced as you learn the joy of taking care of another and being the recipient of unconditional love.

If you live alone, have an empty nest, or have recently retired, having the right pet companionship can save your sanity while enhancing the quality of your life.

• Good for Your Health. Walking a dog, laughing, playing, grooming, and petting an animal can improve your outlook, reduce stress, and add physical activity to your day.
• Select Well. Be sure you choose the right animal for you that accommodates your style, pace of life, where you live, and your habits. Keep expectations realistic, as it is a major commitment to take care of a pet. If you lead a get-up-and-go lifestyle maybe a smaller, more portable pet will be best. Or if you’re the outdoorsy type, live in a warm climate, and love the water, a pet who loves to swim would be a great companion.
• The Best Medicine. Pets comfort us. Dealing with loss is more tolerable because you’ll enjoy their company and feel less desolate. Older people with pets are usually less lonely and have fewer frequent doctor visits.

Companionship comes in many forms. Do not overlook the value of the human-pet bond.

Weekend

Well-Being

Your Heart Versus Your Head

What to do when your heart says one thing and your mind says another? Your heart may be tied to a particular place where you feel at home, connected, safe. But then you are faced with an opportunity to move elsewhere that may be better for you at this juncture of your life in so many ways.

You can either follow your heart or listen to your head…or maybe a little of both. Save your sanity by figuring out what part of your body is doing the talking at different times and let yourself move ahead and welcome the right changes into your life.

• Focus on the Positives First. Shut off the internal voice that accentuates the negatives. Have a virtual dress rehearsal in your mind without finding reasons that it will not work out. There will be plenty of opportunity to look at the downside, so first, consider the upside.
• Something New? If this change offers you something that you have longed for and that will help you evolve and grow, go for it.
• Reserve the Final Decision. Talk to those you trust but be aware that nobody knows what your heart feels or what your head is thinking the way you do. The best decisions are made when you can find ways to put both parts at ease. Do your research, but you make the final decision.

Sometimes our minds and hearts are at odds. We think we should do one thing but we feel we should do something else. See if you can find creative ways to comfort both.