Week 38

Monday

Parent, Community

The Mother In and of Us All

Being late is one thing, but being late when you’re a mom and kids are waiting at the other end is another.

Virtually every mother worries that something, anything, will happen during her well-planned day and cause her to miss the boat, literally and figuratively. The thought of having her kids wait aimlessly for a late mother or miss an opportunity because a mom couldn’t arrange for transportation is a nightmare. And safety is at stake when children are left to wait for their ride at the movie theater or in the dark after dance class lets out.

Well, as we are often reminded, “It takes a village” to raise a child, and the comforting thought is that every other mother has these fears, is late at some point, and has bad days. Every mother also knows that moms help each other out.

So when you’re due at school at two-forty-five, and at one-thirty your youngest shoves garbanzo beans up her nose, know that there is a friend you can call as you take your legume-stuffed child to the pediatrician. Develop a community around you so that you don’t flip out when these things happen.

• Team Up with Friends. Plan in advance to rescue each other if you can’t make bus pickup on time. Incorporate the buddy system and be each other’s backups. Be careful not to overuse this system or heavily rely on it so your buddy is left doing all the pickups. Remember, knowing you have backup means peace; it also means commitment.
• Team Up with the Team. For after-school activities get to know the other moms and see if you can arrange carpooling or a system that works. Don’t wait until the last minute to introduce yourself and ask a favor. Soccer moms unite!
• Stay in Touch…with your friends and their lives and their needs, so you won’t feel uncomfortable calling on them, asking for help, and helping them out.

Mothering together makes life so much easier.

Tuesday

Work, Well-Being

Being Taken Advantage of by People Who Work for You

Your housekeeper, baby-sitter, nanny, assistant, or someone who makes it possible for you to work outside the home was once reliable and now she’s not. She takes excessive time off, is often late, and leaves early. Her attitude is more take than give these days, and it’s making you angry.

If you feel you are being taking advantage of, how do you stop it?

• Be an Observer. Take notes for a couple of weeks about how prevalent the problem is. Is there a pattern to her lateness? Is there predictability to the types of requests for time off that come your way? How long has this been going on, and how long has it been a problem?
• You Won’t Find Perfection. The reality is that you will have to accept certain aspects of her behavior that you don’t like or have difficulty dealing with. Decide what they are and honestly assess whether you can live with them or whether someone else will better serve your needs.
• Go Forward. If you feel you want her to continue working for you, make new parameters and let her know what they are. Offer a trial period, and after that time, get together again and see whether you are willing to proceed.

Someone whom you hire to make your life easier needs to do just that.

Wednesday

Parent, Family, Friends

Coming Out of the Closet That Your Child Is Gay

If you should learn that your child is gay or has other sexual-identity issues, the most important thing for you to do, first and foremost, is to come to terms with this news yourself. Truly come to terms.

Many parents are shocked to discover that they harbor homophobic thoughts and feelings, even if they’ve sublimated them successfully for years. Pay attention to your language, the jokes you tell or laugh at, and the stereotypes you keep in your head. It is troubling to learn that you have these feelings for your own child. What you must remember is that no one among your child’s relatives or friends is likely to support and understand your child if you remain conflicted, defensive, or prejudiced. This announcement serves as a sharp adjustment for you as well as your child.

• Take It in Stride. There is no universal time frame for coming to terms with the fact that your child is homosexual. Take it easy and spend time with your son or daughter, learn what you can, and participate in a support group. When you and your child are ready, let others know where things stand.
• It’s Your Child’s Announcement. Although you are coming to terms with how this affects you, this is still your child’s life you are addressing. If your son or daughter is not ready for you to tell the family, don’t. It is your child’s right to decide who knows about his or her personal life.
• Open Your Heart, Others May Not. Many people (and you may be one of them) are fearful and ignorant about homosexuality and homosexuals. You and others may hold religious or moral beliefs that homosexual behavior is wrong. There are some people who are not going to be able to hear what you have to say with an open heart and, in fact, it may be better not to tell them. Remember, you are not asking for your family’s approval. You are telling them what you feel can be helpful to your child.

Other people will think what they think. It is up to you to present yourself, your child, and your family as whole.

Thursday

Friends, Partner

When Your Friend and Partner Clash

You had hoped that your dear friend and spouse would like each other. This wish is just not going to happen, and it hurts you to know that two of the most important people in your life don’t see eye to eye—on anything!

Recognize that your wish to have those closest to you share experiences with you is just not likely to happen. Keeping your sanity while nurturing a good friendship as well as your marriage can make you feel as if you are queen of the emotional balancing act. With a little know-how, you can maintain both relationships for your own well-being.

• Rethink Social Events. If the dynamic of having these people in the same room is too taxing for you, orchestrate social events that don’t involve getting everyone together at the same time. Don’t put yourself in the position of feeling you need to “protect” your friend or always being on guard to be sure “everyone is having a good time.”
• Give Your Partner the Freedom…to not like your friend but not the license to be rude or dismissive. Don’t insist that they often spend time together in situations that will be unusually difficult for either of them.
• Nurture Your Friendship…on your own. Spend as much time with your friend as you can, doing things that you both enjoy and that are meaningful to you. When there’s no way around getting together with the both of them under the same roof, share with your partner why it is important for you as a couple to attend and spend some time with your friend.

Accept that your partner’s absence is a gift to you to have enriched time with your friend. Save your requests to have your partner join you for those special times when you really want him with you.

Friday

Partner, Midlife

Spice Up Your Sex Life

What happened to your sex life?

It used to be several times a week but lately it’s once or twice a month. Why remain unhappy? Why be in a relationship that is devoid of sensuous touching and gratifying sexual intimacy?

If changes in your body (or your partner’s) or even in your attitude have contributed to waning interest, it may be time to begin to communicate honestly about what is going on. Without pushing, you can find subtle or not so subtle ways to get onto a track where you can express your desire for sexual intimacy in a way that is heard and will likely result in connecting with your partner.

• Let’s Talk About It. Begin with a conversation. It doesn’t have to be a deep, long-winded talk but maybe even a chuckle about “how it used to be.” Opening up to your partner and getting out of denial is the first step.
• Book Time Together. After you open the book on your sex life, why not get a good book or two that you can read together (or on your own) and then talk about what you read that interests you.
• Put Sex on Your To-Do List. If you are on your computer till hours after your mate goes to sleep, it is likely that the signal you are sending is that you are not available for sex. If you wear the frumpiest flannels instead of sliding between the sheets in something a bit skimpy or nothing at all, you may also be sending a message that sex isn’t important.
• Create “Sexy” Rituals…and your own private language that lead to sex. Ask him to join you for a sensuous shower or light a candle in the bedroom as a way to signal your mate that you are interested in making love.

You are never too old to have a great sexual life.

Weekend

Community, Friends, Family, Well-Being

Run for a Cause

You may have a friend who is battling breast cancer. Or maybe your mom has Parkinson’s. Someone in your office has just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. And your neighbor’s son needs a kidney transplant.

It seems as if wherever you turn or whomever you talk to, somebody is dealing with some major health issue, and there is just not enough money or awareness to deal with it. Raising the consciousness of a community takes time, energy, and stamina. Keep your sanity while you support your friends when they most need to feel as if they are part of a community of caring folks.

• Do It. Raise money in honor of your friend by running, walking, or bike riding and make donations to a particular organization or toward the payment for a specific medical procedure. After the event, keep donors posted on how you did and how much money you raised.
• Do It with Family and Friends. Enlist friends to be a part of the effort. If kids can’t walk or run, push, pull, or stroller them. Spread the good feeling and educate as many people as you can to the importance of prevention, health, research, treatment, and awareness as well as “giving back.”
• Do It Again. After the event, document what the experience meant to you and commit to participating again in events for causes that touch your soul.

There are many ways to participate in helping those you care about deal with their health challenges. Find the way that works for you and do it!