Week 39

Monday

Friends

Regain Trust of a Friend (or Not)

When someone you love betrays you, how do you regain the feeling of trust again? You may have a friend who doesn’t tell the truth, and then returns to apologize and thinks everything will be all right. But after a couple of such betrayals, you may just not be able to trust her again.

You ask yourself if you are being fair, and how many chances a person should get before you just have to turn away.

Regaining trust becomes less and less possible the more someone continues to betray you. Unfortunately, part of the problem is that if they continue to engage in betrayal behavior, are consistently forgiven and are considered trustworthy, the more likely they are to continue along that path. Without consequences, there is little motivation to change.

• Friends Forever? Think long and hard about whether you want or need to continue to be in a relationship with a high likelihood of being betrayed. Consider whether you can imagine yourself in a friendship with someone who not only would not betray you, but would never even consider it. What type of friends do you want to spend time with? What values do you want them to have
• It’s Time to Confront. Share with this person your disappointment and frustration of having gone down the road of betrayal a few too many times.
• No More. Let your friend know you are not willing to put yourself at risk anymore. If it’s clear she cannot prevent herself from acting differently and you cannot rely on her to behave differently, then you may want to let go of the relationship.
• Don’t Be Vulnerable. If you decide that you still want her in your life for whatever reason, it is up to you to change the nature of the friendship. Resist leaving yourself open or vulnerable.

Regaining trust takes time, consistency, and a willingness by both parties to relate to each other differently.

Tuesday

Well-Being, Friends, Family

Abortion

The at-home pregnancy test is positive. You’re pregnant and will not have this baby.

Deciding not to carry a baby to term is a major decision. It must be made in as calm and relaxed a manner as you can. Hearing the news may cause you to panic, feel alone, and question your own standards and moral code. All that is a normal reaction. You may choose to speak to the father, friends, or family about your situation, or you may feel embarrassed that you became pregnant in the first place. (Why is it that women often feel embarrassed or ashamed when they certainly did not get themselves pregnant on their own?)

Only you know what this experience is like for you and only you can make decisions about your future with or without a child. You can enlist the opinions, advice, and guidance from others, but it is ultimately your decision whether it is the right time, situation, or circumstance for you to become a mother.

If you decide to undergo an abortion:

• Go to a Reputable Facility. Do careful research and get yourself to a clean and safe doctor’s office, hospital, or clinic that is reputable.
• Don’t Go Alone. Try to go with a trusted friend, boyfriend, husband, or member of your family who will support you and not condemn or disgrace you.
• Take Care of You. Now is not the time to rehash your sexual practices. Now is the time to stay present and take care of yourself. Tend to and restore your strength, energy, and health.
• Allow Your Emotions. You may have mixed feelings about the procedure. You may know it is the right thing for you to do but may have second thoughts about aborting the fetus. If you feel conflicting feelings, be aware of them. Consider performing a ritual where you write your thoughts about your situation and say good-bye to the fetus. If you feel conflicted morally or spiritually or religiously, forgive yourself and allow yourself to engage in a dialogue through prayer. Do not be afraid of your feelings.

You have a choice about what to do regarding your body and whether to have a baby.

Wednesday

Parent, Family

Cell Phone and Kids’ Connections

If you are like many mothers, cell phones have changed your relationship with your child. Unlike days gone by, now children can reach their parents anytime, anywhere; and without giving it any thought, some do!

More and more children rely on their cell phone to call their parents (mostly their mothers) for help and advice, and to ask their folks to do things for them. Most of their requests are unwarranted. They are capable of doing it themselves, they need to do it to grow up and become independent, or they should rely on themselves to problem solve. Teens and young adults today think nothing of calling their moms for the slightest comment or question. This often prevents them from having their own life and figuring out everyday issues that come up. Self-sufficiency is not fostered.

True, most parents feel secure with their children having cell phones to use in emergencies. The social and political climate after September 11, 2001, increased the need for, desire for, and availability of cell phones, and as a result, most families have multiple phones. Sometimes parents encourage this intense phone connection by calling their children too much. But next time you find yourself speed dialing your kids, think again about whether you should make that call. Maybe it’s best to have patience and let them come to you when they need guidance after they’ve thought about it for themselves.

• Dialing Fingers Should Take a Rest. Step back and take a deep breath every time you want to dial. It would be better for the children (and for you) to discourage cell phone use several times a day. You may be afraid that your children feel that you don’t want to communicate, but when you think of it, perhaps you can appreciate that this may have gone too far. Think about whether your children are both taking advantage of you and relying on the phone so much that they are dependent on it and on you.
• Don’t Be Available 24/7. Just because the phone rings does not mean you need to answer it. If there is an emergency, your child will leave a message and you can retrieve it. Judge for yourself and respond. Remember you are fostering independence in your child.
• Let Them Make Decisions. When your children do call, listen and give appropriate input. Advise less. Encourage your children to try to solve problems by asking probing questions, suggesting they seek out resources before dialing you up. Ultimately, rather than giving your children the feeling that you are not interested, this will help your children to develop self-confidence and self-management skills.

Everyone needs space in order to grow.

Thursday

Midlife, Well-Being

Can’t Get the Weight Off as You Age

There is no doubt about it, most women put on weight as they age. But wait, you say, you were always thin. Now that you are in your fifties, sixties, whatever, you have put on ten pounds and just can’t get it off. Worse, when you look in the mirror (if you allow yourself to have a mirror), you don’t even recognize the woman staring back.

You don’t want to get used to your body as you age—and you don’t want it to be the new norm. But, after a full day of eating, you feel so bloated and look pregnant. You could try to lose a little weight but that stomach roll may just be there to stay. And now you’re even hiding your body from your partner.

• Come to Terms. Getting older means you have to deal with change, and having a tough time taking off a few pounds is part of that challenge. Your metabolism is slower, so it is more difficult to lose the weight and keep it off.
• Accept a New Norm. You have the power to change the shape of your body carefully, healthfully, and without injury—maybe not back to the same one you had thirty years ago, but you can reshape it through exercise and healthful eating.
• Look at Your Body in a Different Way. When you look at your stomach, legs, breasts, hands, pay close attention to all that they have gone through and appreciate what they have done for you. They have held and nursed your babies, carried you through your life, and endured much. If you look at your body through the eyes of someone who has lived in your body, you are more likely to appreciate it differently.

You can mourn the loss of the body of your youth while you welcome the body of a woman who has lived fully.

Friday

Partner

Terms of Endearment

Do you ever really look at couples who have good relationships and wonder what their secrets are?

One of the things you will probably notice is that there is playfulness about them—a privacy that is reserved just for them (which, however, you will probably not notice). They refer to each other fondly, use a few key words or phrases that only they “get,” or talk with each other in playful voices, again reserved just for them. This lightheartedness allows couples to be youthful forever, have a sweet connection, and provide for unique closeness.

• Sweetie Pie, Buttercup. At times, communicate with your significant other using a pet name. Keep it in private conversation and say it with feeling and have some fun with it. Nobody else gets this name—it is for you and your partner’s ears only.
• Try It. Even if you feel uncomfortable at first and have been together forever, it’s never too late to use special terms of endearment for your mate. Use them as an enticement to revitalize your relationship. Everybody likes to feel special.

Special terms of affection and endearment can make you feel safe and special in a relationship whether it is one year old or fifty years old.

Weekend

Well-Being, Work

School Days Are Here Again

It’s time to hit the books. Whether you are returning to school because of life circumstances such as job loss, illness, shift in family responsibility, divorce, or retirement, or because you were never able to enter or finish college, studying may be a bit more challenging than when you were fresh out of high school.

With many new fields emerging, there’s good reason today to change or start a new career. Enrolling in classes now can not only prepare you for a new field, it can increase your self-confidence and help sharpen your mind.

• Revisit and Restructure…your impressions of yourself as the student you used to be. You are not doomed or programmed to keep the same assessment of yourself as a student based on how you did when you were younger.
• Rethink and Rephrase…your own or other people’s comments about the type of student you were in elementary school, junior high, high school, and college because they no longer apply, and they certainly do not predict how you will do this time around.
• Reassess…your vision of yourself. See yourself as a student. Appreciate that you are open to learning and are motivated to enter a new field. Or just learn for the sake of learning.
• Reengage. Enjoy the fact that you can engage in intergenerational dialogue about topics of mutual interest, which will surely contribute to keeping you young and vital. See humor in the fact that you will be older than your professors and most of the other students. Be a role model.

Engage in learning at any age in any way accessible to you.