Chapter 4

On Opposite Ends of the Pole with Parenting

You read volumes of parenting books, and you are convinced you know what to do, but your partner is not on the same page. His or her approach is exactly the opposite of yours, and your relationship is strained while the kids become more confused.

You know that your son’s bedwetting is directly related to his fears of beginning a new school, while your partner thinks he is being a baby and you are treating him like one. Or your teenager is going through a rough patch with friends, and her dad is convinced she needs to put herself into more clubs and social situations. Big dispute: overloading her schedule is not what you want to encourage her to do.

When you and your partner are raising children together and have different perspectives on how to handle a situation, how do you keep your sanity and your parenting confidence intact?

You’re Both Trying to Do a Good Job. Affirm with your partner that you respect him or her as a parent and believe he or she has your children’s best interests at the forefront of his or her mind. When you decided to have children together you believed your philosophy about parenting would be similar. Find a time, away from your children, to discuss what your concerns are about your children and what is behind your approach. Ask your mate what his or her concerns and goals are regarding his or her parenting.

Listen to the Reasoning. Share what you feel. Tell your partner that if you determine certain disciplines to be detrimental to your child’s well-being, you will not sit by. Let him or her know you are willing to work toward a good compromise that will benefit the whole family.

Work Through Your Differences. Quietly reflect on what you are trying to accomplish with your child. Discover if this is in line with or opposed to your partner’s goals and expectations as a parent, and whether you can compromise. Suggest you talk with someone who has some expertise in parenting and explore some of the ramifications of different approaches, given who your child is.

Keep discussions about how you will approach certain child-rearing issues between you and your partner and not the kids, and work toward becoming a united front.

Running a Small Business

While there are risks of running your own business (and this is exacerbated if that business is run out of your home), most small business owners wouldn’t have it any other way. You may like the freedom of being your own boss, having flexibility in your schedule, and the challenge of doing it on your own.

You may also know the feeling of constantly being under pressure. As a sole proprietor you put on a balancing act every day as you juggle providing services and products, administrative duties, and sales. And if you’re a small business with employees, you are responsible not only for yourself but also for those who work for you. Even though you may try hard to delegate, much of the work falls on your shoulders, especially when you establish your business. Hiring more help can be a good solution but may be out of reach because of financial constraints. For better or worse (usually for better), small businesses can take on the feel and function of a family. And you know how that goes—“a mother’s work is never done.”

While enjoying the perks of making their own schedule, most small business owners agree that their business is in their lives 24/7. Day-to-day operations are time-consuming. Creative thoughts materialize at different times of the day and night. So how can you be open to new ideas for your business without feeling a slave to it?

Work Time and Me Time. Create your work hours and stick to a schedule. Before, during, or after work, do something that clearly separates you from work. Whether you exercise, meditate, walk the dog, stop at the corner café for a cup of tea, transi tion into and out of work so your day flows. If your business is in your home, be conscious and careful about mixing the two. Don’t procrastinate delving into a project by folding laundry. Leave your household chores till after work hours.

Plant Destressing Seeds. During the work week cultivate ways to destress. Notice a sale at a store near your office and go at lunchtime to buy a treat. Exercise at midday or turn off the world by listening to some favorite music. Listen to a chapter of a book on tape during lunch. Check out the lecture schedule at the local community center. There may be something inspirational that you would enjoy and may give you a place to turn off work while keeping your creative juices stimulated. Shifting the mood and your attention can help you appreciate that things are not as serious as they seem at work.

Nurture Something Other Than Work and People. Plant a garden and shift your focus off work by watering and weeding in the fresh air. Watch your garden grow and get satisfaction from seeing quick results in contrast to your work, where results often take time. If you are indoors, buy a “simple care” plant (try some herbs to clip when you prepare a meal).

Think and Jot. Keep a notepad or micro tape recorder, or record a voice note to yourself on your phone or PDA whenever you have a thought that relates to work. Some of the best and most creative ways to deal with business issues will come when you are outdoors, after meditation, engaged in something creative like painting, writing, playing music, playing with children. Why? Because you are using different pathways and opening yourself up for alternative ways of thinking.

Get Out. Being out of the office can enhance your ability to think out of the box and create solutions to problems that were inaccessible within the familiar four walls. Listening to others describe how they approached a problem may give you hints and ways to deal with what you are facing. You have something to learn from everyone.

Working around the clock will only exhaust you and make your small business less productive. Instead, give yourself a break and recharge; you’ll experience an increase in productivity (yours and the business’s).

New Mother Fatigue

You’re a new mother and you’re exhausted. Instead of getting more run down, cranky, and overwhelmed, think of yourself as a marathon runner. You need to reserve your strength for this race and many more to come. You need endurance.

Of course, we all know the Golden Rule: sleep when your baby sleeps. But, that’s not always easy to do. Here are some pointers for surviving the infant stage.

Short but Sweet Sleeps. Gone are the days of eight-hour restful nights. Instead, go for as many uninterrupted sleep hours as you can possibly squeeze in. You’d be amazed at how even four to five hours of undisturbed sleep can feel like a lifesaver as compared to a mere two to three hours. If you have a spouse or partner, start early with sharing those nighttime feedings. Someone else can be in charge of supplementing late-night or early-morning feedings with formula or stored breast milk.

Alternate Nights. You can share every other night with your partner—one on and one off—so that you can be sure you get a full night’s sleep at least half the time. If you can’t do this on a regular basis, try doing it on the weekends so you can get at least one full night’s sleep each weekend.

Rock-a-By Baby. Rock your baby in a cradle that you can reach from your bed (without having to get out of it). Visualize yourself and your child rocking to sleep.

Late-Night Snacks. Whenever you are awake in the night, reach for some healthy food. Feeding yourself nutritious food will help you find the strength you need in the morning.

Develop New Housekeeping Standards. Don’t spend all your waking moments cleaning house. Enjoy your baby and new family life and create a new standard for a clean and tidy house. Remember, clean doesn’t have to always mean tidy.

Sleep, even interrupted sleep, restores the body, the mind, and the soul.

Surviving a Weekend with People Who Disturb Your Peace

Sometimes there’s no way to avoid having people over for the weekend who, well, frankly, get under your skin. Not only are they inconsiderate guests, your best friend’s husband downright annoys you, and your partner’s old roommate from college grates on your nerves. And let’s not even get into mandatory time spent with in-laws.

Whatever the reason, you find your inner sanctum of peace and quiet is disturbed. In fact, you realize that one of the major stressors in your life has taken up residence in your guest room. What to do?

Plug Into Your Peace. When alone, do something that you enjoy; find something relaxing, restorative, or nurturing. Make time at both the beginning and the end of the day so you can treat yourself to a relaxing meditation, a quiet walk, some time in the garden. Restore yourself and recharge your batteries.

Stick to a Schedule. Changing activities and venues allows you to be engaged with your guests while alleviating some stress. Plan events when you are together in small doses. Include others who are easy to be with to take away some of the pressure and who can “entertain” your guests so you don’t have to all the time. You will benefit if you let them feel like part of the household and be useful by pitching in with some chores.

This Is Your Refuge. If they criticize your space, your interior decor, or the fact that the plumbing sings when the shower is on, remind them that this is your castle and you like it as it is. Understand, however, that your home is a comfort to you but may not be to those who are not used to it.

You can endure the not-so-perfect guest. Clarify the space by lighting a sage candle and breathing in the scent before and after their stay.

Shyness

Why is the word shy often preceded by the word painfully? Because it is painful for you to be in a situation in which you fear interacting with people. You wonder if you will have something interesting, intelligent, and appropriate to say. Many women are misunderstood and assumed to be aloof or stuck up when in fact they are shy.

Some people are, by nature and experience, more at ease with new people. Others cringe at the thought of entering a room full of people they don’t know. Facing a cocktail party, fund-raiser, back-to-school night, or fellowship hour after a church service may cause you to stay home, break out in hives, or clam up altogether. Sometimes going to an event with someone you know helps, but then you may stay attached to that person and not branch out.

How can you melt away that frozen feeling when you’re out and about?

Practice with Strangers. Sounds strange but it works. Practice approaching someone by making eye contact and saying hello. Offer to help someone who is struggling with packages. Ask a retail clerk her opinion of the outfit you’re trying on. Attempt to mingle at functions. Meet one new person a day, two a week, or whenever you’re walking around town. With each connection, say, Hello, nice to meet you, in your mind so your face will soften and you may have a hint of a smile. Give yourself chances to change your perception of yourself as shy.

Engage by Asking Questions. When you are introduced to people, ask them about themselves. Most people enjoy talking about their own lives, so ask about their interests or what their connection is with the event you are attending.

Keep the Conversation Going. When talking, use the person’s name, as it reinforces your memory of the name and demonstrates that you are interested in him as a person. Say something positive about what was said or an idea that was offered. This breaks the ice, and can make the other person feel important.

Visualize. Before you walk into a room, breathe deeply and visualize yourself talking with one person. If you need to, practice a few key phrases in front of a mirror.

Assess Your Level of Anxiety. If it is five or over on a scale of one to ten, walk around, breathe, and do not go over what you said and tell yourself you should have said this or that. Focus on the positive aspect that you talked to someone you did not know. If your score is less than five, give yourself a pat on the back for being courageous.

Shyness can be addressed by giving yourself the courage to try to interact with someone you don’t know.

Week 4

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Weekend