Chapter 41

Monday

Family, Partner

Asking for Help as an Alzheimer’s Caregiver

You probably know someone who knows someone who has Alzheimer’s disease. Millions of people have it.

Living with Alzheimer’s and living with someone who has Alzheimer’s is all about change and uncertainty and, sadly, stress. The one thing that does not ever change, however, is that the person who has Alzheimer’s remains a person. After some time, people with Alzheimer’s will act different, and eventually may look different, but they still deserve care, love, and respect.

Their lives are about dignity, adaptation, and change. If you are caring for someone who has Alzheimer’s, you must remember that you need to care for yourself. Many caregivers feel disconnected from their former life because friends have fallen away or because they do not feel comfortable being with them. You wonder how this could have happened to you and your loved one, which can stoke the fires of anger, disappointment, depression, and isolation.

Talk with others who understand what you are experiencing through in-person support groups or online, or speak with a counselor. Getting time away from the person you care for is essential to your well-being. Exercise, good nutrition, and a hearty laugh all play an important part in living well with the person who is ill.

Ask for What You Need. You need to ask for what you need (and you may not know exactly what that is until you need it). Most people want to be helpful but don’t know precisely what to do. Ask people to do what they can reasonably do and what they are good at. If you need help with insurance forms, bill paying, administrative work, ask someone who is reliable and good with numbers. Get help with meals from a friend who is a good cook. Get together with some friends and tell them what needs to be done and ask them to pick what they would like to do.

Be Direct…when asking for help. Don’t apologize. It is an honor to be able to help someone in need. “I could use a couple of hours to get my hair done, do some errands, or get to the gym, and could use your help in staying with Dad.” If their schedule doesn’t match yours, accommodate so they can be available and you can still accomplish what you need to do.

Appreciate Helpers. Even if you think the people who help you should do what they are doing, let them know that you welcome their help. Everyone needs to feel appreciated.

Attend a Support Group. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others who appreciate what you are going through. Sometimes your friends or family members cannot truly relate to what is happening in your life and will criticize you for your choices or for expressing negative feelings. Learn from others and be open to their support.

You will be a better caregiver if you accept help.

Tuesday

Well-Being

When Your Counselor Makes an Error

One of the most difficult things to deal with in therapy is coming to terms with the fact that your therapist is human. Your therapist isn’t perfect and will sometimes do or say things that will disappoint you.

You deserve to have this person’s full attention during your time together. Also, your therapist should maintain professionalism by keeping the facts of your life straight and being there on time for your appointments so you don’t wait.

How do you keep your sanity when your therapist does something that makes you question whether there is full attentiveness?

Let Your Therapist Be Human. Recognize that your therapist will make mistakes. It is your prerogative to bring up what is bothering you so that there’s something to learn.

If Something Bothers You. If you raise an issue where you feel you were treated unfairly, dismissed, or not heard, or your therapist is defensive and does not assume responsibility for his or her actions and blames you for the problem, think seriously about whether this person is the right person for you.

Speak Up. Allow yourself to engage in a discussion about how you felt when you arrived for your appointment and someone else was waiting to be seen. Or what it was like when your therapist referred to your children by the wrong names. Or how it felt when your therapist was preoccupied or looked exhausted. You deserve to have your therapist take responsibility for his or her actions, apologizing and taking preventive measures so this does not happen again.

Every interaction in therapy can be therapeutic if you feel as if you can trust your counselor to be honest and take responsibility for his or her mistakes.

Wednesday

Well-Being, Family, Friends

Substance Abuse

You or someone you know may have a problem with alcohol, drugs, or even tobacco. None of these habits is healthy. With such easy access, it is difficult for someone to stop substance abuse on his own.

The familiar “triggers,” such as places, people, and routines, all play into the habit. Breaking it is not only about stopping but about committing to dramatically changing your life. Concentrate on keeping your sanity as you or someone you love fights this battle.

Be Honest. Many people who have substance abuse problems or are close to someone who does deny the problem. Now’s the time to stop sweeping it under the rug. Covering up or making excuses never helps.
Be with the Right People. Getting help from supportive family and friends, treatment centers, and rehabilitation professionals is essential to live a life substance-free.
Be Without Those Who Don’t Help. Changing friends and the people in your life who let you abuse your body is part of the challenge. Spend time only with those who support you through your detox.

Facing the demons that need to be covered up by substance abuse takes time and commitment.

Thursday

Parent, Family, Friends

When Your Kid Doesn’t Return to College

You may have dreamed about your child going to college. You visited campuses, helped with college applications, and paid tuition and room and board for one year. You thought your child was off to college and would begin the next stage of life, right? Not if he returns home after the first year and announces that he is not going back! If this is a surprise, or you were wondering whether this really was a fit, keep your sanity intact.

Be There. Remain calm. You may have a hard time hiding your disappointment, but he’ll need support from you now. Let him know that he is a successful person no matter what and that he always has been. Recognize his good points and the wise choices he makes such as saying no to drugs or other life-enhancing choices.

Listen, Listen, Listen…to the reasons he is not going back and to what the college experience was like for him.

Set Standards for Living at Home as an Adult…not as a child. Share what you expect in the household. Clear goals and structure are important since there may have been changes since he left. Sit down to talk on a regular, scheduled basis. This gives you all time to get your thoughts in order and reinforces the idea that you are all adults.

Make a Plan of Self-Sufficiency. Decide if you are able to continue to support an education and not a lifestyle. Refer to it as the “gap year” and together make a plan about where he goes from here. Discuss how he will find work in the interim and apply to the same or a different school next semester. The idea is how to move along with life.

When your child does not go back to college, make a plan, speak to him as an adult, and enjoy him. Why? Because he’s a wonderful kid. Lighten up. It’s important to keep perspective.

Friday

Partner

Compliment Your Partner

Everyone needs to feel appreciated. But giving out compliments is one of the first things to go in a relationship. You don’t feel appreciated and likely don’t let your partner know what you appreciate about him. After a short time, neither of you feels appreciated, noticed, or cared about by the other. And a vicious cycle gets set into gear and continues.

Rather than think about all the things you don’t like about your partner, contemplate the qualities and things you do like, focusing on what you truly appreciate. Whether large or small, pay attention. Of course, some things about that person will always bug you. Guess what? Some things about you will always be irritating to your partner. Stay on track with the good things about each other and save the sanity of your relationship.

Compliment First. You may wonder why you would tell your partner that you appreciate him when he doesn’t tell you. Aside from two wrongs not making a right, isn’t it better for you to take the risk and share what you like rather than what bothers you? The likelihood of someone paying attention to what you don’t appreciate is increased if he feels he is appreciated and truly cared for and noticed.

The Family Benefits. If you can hold your partner in high esteem and let him know, he will likely offer more praise to your children. It kind of works that way—when we feel we are valued in the eyes of another we want those we love to feel valued. (The reverse is also true, so pay close attention to how you talk to your partner and your children.)

Appreciating others has a boomerang effect. The good stuff comes back to you.

Weekend

Friends, Well-Being

Redesigning Friendships

The most meaningful friendships are often reciprocal relationships. You’re there for them and they’re there for you in times of need, loneliness, life milestones, celebrations, and defeats. But what do you do when you feel the scale is off balance and you’re giving more than you are receiving? Some relationships are just like that, and you need to accept it, but others don’t need to be, and examining them may help.

We all need to know that a good friend has our best interests at heart and that this feeling is mutual. It’s important to rely on our friends who can help us tackle major challenges and changes and serve as our support systems. Without them, we know we could not make it.

However, sometimes your old friends may not know how to relate to what you are going through or may feel threatened or scared by your situation and either back off or become unavailable. Try not to take it personally, as people react to change differently. Rather than trying to change the friend to suit your needs, maybe you need to change the way you view the friendship.

Don’t Look to One Friend. Some people are there for your ups and downs and some are not. The people you can laugh with may not be the people you can cry with. Know who your supportive friends are and go to them when troubled. Maintain your social friends because it’s important to enjoy life with others. You’re truly blessed if you have thick-and-thin buddies with whom you can also share good times.

Ask for What You Need. No one is a mind reader. If you’re always the shoulder to cry on while your friends have never seen your tears, it’s time to ask for support. Is it possible you could be shielding yourself with a protective covering so that others think your life is perfect? Maybe it’s time to let someone in on what’s going on with you so she can help.

Are You Really Giving More? Be honest with yourself and examine your friendships. Have you truly been the one giving more? If you have, then this may be a good time to enlist a whole new group of people who also have similar issues, and with whom you can be vulnerable for a sense of safety, understanding, and nurturing. On the other hand, if you make time for friends only on your terms and schedule, your approach may be preventing you from experiencing that kind of nurturing and support you seek.