Chapter 44

Monday

Work

Firing Someone

Firing someone is never easy. And when you’re a woman, sometimes the task is harder. You may have helped this person become a better worker and tried to nurture her along and now find it difficult to accept that she is not working out.

It’s uncomfortable for both boss and employee to be in this predicament, and sometimes it’s easier to avoid the situation altogether. If you find yourself giving the employee one more chance (yet again), compensating for her mistakes, or compromising on the quality of her work, it may be time to let this person go.

Remember, you are setting a standard for your company, so keep your sanity as you do it. Even if you are upset with a person for lack of commitment to work, she deserves to be fired in a humane way.

Do It in Person. Arrange to meet the person face to face and do not allow interruptions. Stay off the phone, computer, or PDA while you have this conversation.

Be Direct. Review with the person why she is being let go. Be specific and stay focused on the facts.

Give Helpful Criticism. Give feedback that will be helpful to her when seeking another job. Chronic lateness, inattention to details, and neglecting confidentiality issues are aspects of work that need to be addressed. Also mention positive qualities.

Stay on a Professional Level. Keep all interactions and expectations that were not achieved focused on the job and work performance. Stay clear of personal attacks.

When you have to fire people, guiding them to do their best in whatever they do next is the considerate thing to do.

Tuesday

Parent, Family

Leaving Dad Out of the Picture

You had good reasons, and you decided to raise your children without their dad being a part of their lives. In fact, you never encouraged the relationship between them and imparted lots of your negative feelings onto your children.

As they grow, they harbor resentment toward your decision and feelings. Will they ever forgive you, or can you forgive them for not understanding your personal choice?

Accept Their Blame. Being on the defensive and fighting will only add fuel to the fire. Own up to your decision because you can’t change the past. If you did the best you could, let them know. Whether you like it or not, you are a sum of all your experiences and this one won’t go away, so confront it.

Know Their Point of View. See what their anger is all about. Did you leave their father for another man? Did you move the family away so they could never see their father again? Get to the bottom of their feelings, accusations, and fears and be aware of what they are thinking. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you didn’t make the right decision, and it’s never too late to do so.

Move Forward. This is about forgiveness and moving on. To begin to build a good relationship, both sides have to open their hearts. You are responsible for your end. Know that having a relationship with their father is a normal request for any kid, even if he isn’t a good candidate in your eyes. Hopefully, they’ll come around if you truly forgive them for being angry with you. It may be time to work this out in family therapy.

Your children do not have to like the choices you made for them, and now that they are older, you may need to deal with the feelings they have about your choices.

Wednesday

Parent

Getting the Kids Prepared to Go Back to School

No matter how many summers you go through it, the process of readying your children to return to school in the late summer or early fall is often stressful. But why? Is it just because there are so many things to do, items to buy, meetings to attend, classes to prepare for? And if your kids are new to a school, there are the extra challenges of a different school culture, friends, schedules, administration, and personalities to negotiate for both the children and their parents.

Summertime usually is a time of slower pace, relaxed schedules, and reduced pressure. Giving this up for a more regimented (predictable in some ways and often mysterious in other ways) routine of schoolwork, reports, obligations, car pools, homework, friendship cliques, and teacher concerns is often hard to do. But with a little sanity-saving know-how, you and your kids can make an easy transition.

Prepare Your Kids in Advance. Help your child become as familiar as possible with new buildings to negotiate, teachers, courses, reading assignments. Purchase as many things as you can online with your children, and have them participate in selecting their own school supplies and school clothes. Talk with them about what else needs to be done to prepare for the beginning of a new school year. You may be surprised how much of their own preparation they want to be responsible for.

Relax and Enjoy the Rest of Summer. Do as many fun things as you can as the summer winds down. Watch silly movies and engage in activities that allow you to be free of time pressure. Relax and enjoy yourself with your children as you begin to prepare for the school term. Keep some of that joy and calm as you shift gears.

Take Interest. When you are talking about school with your children, tell them you look forward to hearing about their teachers, the subjects they are taking, and what is going on as they get into their year. Let them know you have confidence in them to do their best and get a lot out of this year’s school experience. Kids need to know their parents believe in them.

Monitor Your Anxiety Level. Your children will pick up on your level of anxiety. If you keep it managed, they will look forward to beginning the school year with reduced tension and pressure. Everyone will benefit.

Let your children know you believe in them and their ability to do their best in school.

Thursday

Partner, Midlife

Retired without Driving Each Other Crazy

You’ve just retired and your partner has been retired for years (or vice versa). So it comes as no shock that one of you has developed a life apart from work and your relationship, while the other hasn’t a clue.

You and your partner each need to get used to the idea (and the reality) of the shift and change in your lives, attitudes, roles, and schedules. Settle into this new lifestyle and help both of you save your sanity.

How Much Is Too Much…togetherness, that is. Be respectful of each other’s needs and schedules. Try not to look to the other as the activities coordinator or always available playmate. And don’t expect that your every need or desire is now your partner’s problem. It’s more important than ever to have your own separate interests, activities, and friends. But check in with each other and keep each other informed.
Be a Responsive Partner. Work on making yourself an even more receptive and approachable companion. You now have time to listen to each other and reconnect in ways that you both find meaningful. Find that time and use it well.
Planning Recreation Time. When planning your days and nights, be aware of the need to have space, and build that space into the overall scheme. Vacations, once needed to reduce everyday stressors, will now take on a new form and will be more about sharing and developing a leisure life together.

Take your retired life together in stride and see how it can grow.

Friday

Family, Parent

Family Vacations

Some people look forward to the whole intergenerational clan experience as a great opportunity for everyone to get to know each other in a relaxed and easy manner. Others think that those two words, family and vacation, cannot coexist happily in the same sentence.

To up your odds and have a great trip, think about all the people and personalities involved and how everyone can interact best. Plan ahead and discover what is available at the place you are going (activities, proximity to religious institutions, parks, restaurants, etc.) before you book those reservations.

Who’s Paying for What? Decide before the check comes what is being paid for and by whom.

Recharge. That long solo sunrise walk along the beach may be worth getting up for.

Stay Connected to Your Mate. Sometimes it is difficult to demonstrate your loyalty when you feel torn between your parents, siblings, and spouse. Take time to be together, alone.

Share Child Care. Make it a win-win for both kids and parents. Take a siesta while child naps. Spend time with your nieces and nephews and explore an interesting site. Swap kids between two families and go on separate adventures.

Commemorate the Event. For fun and a sense of camaraderie, offer T-shirts or hats with the family name. Designate one person as the family trip chronicler/photographer. Send CDs with everyone’s best pictures or duplicate a memory book for everyone that you created from an online site.

Pair up with family members who have similar interests to yours but remember to enjoy the group experience.

Weekend

Well-Being, Friends, Family

The Need to Be on Time

Were you raised to always be on time? Or were you always waiting for your mom or dad who were never ready, and your family earned a reputation for always being late? Did you become determined to always be on time?

If you value punctuality, what happens when you find yourself in a situation in which you are unable to be on time? Living in today’s world with unpredictable traffic, train, or bus patterns, and last-minute things taking longer than the last minute, you may be late some of the time.

Everyone is late sometime. Rather than fall apart, understand that from time to time, you, too, may be late.

Desensitize Yourself. Arrive late a number of times, on purpose. It doesn’t have to be that late, but enough to deal with the anxiety it creates. And when you are going to put yourself in this stressful situation, make sure it’s with people who have a history of being late or who understand. Being late does not mean that you do not value the person or the event or the appointment you are late to.

Avoid Berating Yourself. Stop the negative self-talk. When you hear yourself say, “I am ruining their dinner by being late,” “I’ll miss my appointment,” or “The person I am meeting will think I don’t take the meeting seriously,” stop those thoughts.

Calm Down. Here’s how: (1) Breathe deeply and slowly. (2) Appreciate that the situation was unavoidable (e.g., the traffic pat terns were extra challenging and you had no control over them). (3) If you left late or tried to do too many things at the last minute, admit it and recognize that next time you will plan more time to give yourself more wiggle room. (4) Tell yourself you are no less a person because you are late—you are not dumb, stupid, inconsiderate, or undependable. (5) Try to reach whomever you are meeting and let them know what’s happening, to give them the option of using their time more wisely.