Chapter 46

Monday

Family, Friends, Partner

Surviving When Someone You Love Takes His or Her Life

Someone takes his or her life, and survivors often blame themselves or wonder if there wasn’t something they could have done, should have noticed, helped out with more, or done differently.

These feelings are often present with any death of a loved one, regardless of circumstance, but are particularly intense when people try to come to terms with suicide. Because suicide is more often whispered about than openly discussed, there is the added dimension of shame and embarrassment that attaches itself to the survivors.

Friends who want to be a support are often uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or do. Not knowing how to deal with your sorrow, they may stay away. As a mourner you may feel shunned and abandoned; you may feel that something is wrong with you and your family because someone dear to you took his or her life. You or others may feel that suicide is an unstated accusation that is directed at you, and you wonder why you don’t have quite the same right to your mourning as someone else.

What makes this even worse is when the leader of a religious community does not comfort but rather condemns the person who took his or her life and prescribes a type of mourning that is neither appropriate nor compassionate. How do you maintain your sanity with so many loose ends?

This Death Is Not About You. You should repeat this over again until you truly understand it and know this to be true. If some one is intent on taking his or her life, you will not prevent it. And you cannot make someone happy who is severely depressed. Try to accept that the death was a result of what was happening within that person and was not about you.

This Death Is Not a Reflection of You. Do not accept other people’s definition of you or your family as “less than” because someone you love took his or her life.

The Person Loved You. Understand that when someone takes his or her life, it does not mean he or she did not love you. It may mean he or she could not bear the thought of living in such a state of pain and did not want to bring that to you. Often when people take their lives, their thinking and their perception of the world is different from yours. They do not see another way out from dealing with their intense emotional pain.

Honor the Memory. Mourning can occur and rituals can be followed to allow yourself to fully feel what has happened and to open yourself up to moving forward. No matter what others say, listen to your heart and honor the loved one’s memory. When you are able, talk about the person and keep the positive memories alive in ways that are helpful to you.

Get Support. It can be very helpful to go to a suicide survivors’ group for support. Nobody understands what it is like unless she went through it.

Forgiveness is a major element in moving forward; forgive yourself for not being able to prevent the death and forgive the loved one for leaving you in that way.

Tuesday

Friends

Not Wanting to Be Close Friends

Friendships are indeed precious. You may find, however, that someone in your life wants to have a closer relationship with you than you are comfortable with. Maybe having her as an acquaintance is OK, but she wants to get close to you, asking you to join her to do things, come to dinner parties, etc. Even if she is a nice person, you simply may not have time for or interest in developing a friendship.

In a world in which you are very busy, you may feel that you don’t have enough time for the friends you want to spend time with and whose friendships you want to nourish—much less for those people who simply don’t have that priority in your life. It can be uncomfortable to repeatedly give excuses or decline invitations, and after some time she may give up. But it is uncomfortable.

You Are in Charge of Your Life. Recognize that you have the right to spend your time with whomever you choose. Take responsibility for planning how and with whom you share your time and your life.

Be Truthful. You may have feelings of discomfort about telling someone you are not as available as they would like to pursue a friendship, but it is significantly kinder to communicate directly and from your heart than to consistently turn down invitations. Your indirect rejections can be very hurtful and perhaps make her wonder what is wrong with her or why she is not good enough for you. Everyone deserves to feel valued for the person she is.

Set Your Boundaries. If you want her in your life at all, explain to her what you can and cannot do. Offer your concern that being unavailable to her will be hurtful. Tell her that you put a lot of time and energy into friendships and that at this point in your life, you cannot foster that type of friendship with her and don’t like to do things partway. Communicate how you appreciate her desire to include you in her life, but you cannot hold up your part of the relationship.

It is important that in not accepting the friendship you are not diminishing the person.

Wednesday

Well-Being, Friends, Family, Work, Midlife

Visualize as You Embrace Change

Some people like change. Others don’t. Or you may like some change but not a lot. Everyone is different and everyone handles changes in their lives differently. But one thing you can bet on will be a constant in your life is change.

A change in life circumstances, whether positive or negative, is something that initially knocks you a bit off-balance as you wonder how you are going to adjust. When something comes your way that you didn’t foresee, get back on track and save your sanity.

When There Is Change There Is Loss. Know that you’ll experience feelings of loss. Try not to make assumptions about the future and how things will be. Instead, move through the loss to see positive possibilities.

Call on Your Buddies. The support of your friends and family is critical as you go through change. But if the people you thought you could count on are preoccupied with their own lives, seek other forms of support, such as counseling, coaching, support groups, women’s organizations, on-line forums, or chat rooms. You don’t have to go through this alone, so don’t.

Visualize and Adjust. Breathe deeply as you quietly visualize yourself adjusting through the change of circumstance. Create a comforting mental picture to help you embrace this change. Although it’s been around for ages, visualization is a powerful and effective way to face your fears and become balanced. By calmly visualizing yourself handling change, you will more likely succeed.

Remember the 3 Bs when you face challenges brought on by change: 1) Breathe 2) Become Balanced and 3) Bounce Back.

Thursday

Parent, Community, Family

Mainstreaming with Muscle

You’ve tried to mainstream your child into the school system but there are so many struggles and challenges. Other kids tease your son, and you secretly wish that he was just like all the other kids. But, once again you’re questioning why the world will not see beyond your child’s disability and focus on what a great, determined, sensitive kid he is.

Your frustration sometimes gets the better of you as you advocate for your child in the face of adversity and small-mindedness. Keep your sanity as you try to help create a welcoming educational environment for your child.

One at a Time. Even though people tell you the opposite, you can change the world—one child, one teacher, one parent, one bus driver, one cafeteria helper at a time.
“Introduce” Your Child…before anyone even meets him. Talk about his interests, his talents, his likes and dislikes. Focus on his strengths and what makes him unique.
Minimize Discomfort…by answering questions, and emphasize how we are all different and all the same.

When mainstreaming your child, expect judgment because before you were the mother of this child you were uncomfortable with kids who were “different,” too.

Friday

Partner

Renovating Your Home Together

Few things can tax a relationship more than renovating your living space together. There are multiple decisions, countless disruptions, financial constraints, dependence on other people’s schedules and trusting service people whom you just met, not to mention that nobody really honors a deadline. And how do you come to terms with the fact that you both have such different taste and sensibilities?

For some people renovating their living space is a mutually satisfying project that brings them closer together as they envision the changes that will benefit them. For others it is a nightmare. Know your strengths and play to them.

Dream Together. Talk extensively before beginning any project. Each of you needs to share your idea of your “dream” space. Create plans together and discuss as many details as is appropriate. If you are into doing this project yourselves, wander around with a tape measure before beginning, to make sure you feel comfortable with sizes, scaling, and details.

The Road Ahead Will Be Bumpy…and so might the floors. Know ahead of time there will absolutely, positively be many problems and aggravations. When the project starts, try to go with the flow. Know to give each other space and time when necessary.

Designate Your Jobs. Who will be the overseer and who will make the calls to the service people and keep track of progress? Check all decisions with each other. Try to keep surprises to a minimum.

Keep a Sense of Humor. Know that your “story of the renovation” will be told for years to come.

Renovating your home may or may not mean renovating your relationship.

Weekend

Community, Friends, Well-Being

It’s More Than Meatloaf

Someone in your community, whom you may barely know, lost his wife and is dealing with being a single parent. Or a father at your kid’s school died, and the mom is trying to pick up the pieces.

Everyone rallies to help them. But, as time marches on, fewer and fewer folks ask if there is anything they can do. Everyone’s routine has settled in and yet this family is still grieving as school is starting and the holidays are looming in the near future.

Let’s face it, this family could use some tender loving care to save their sanity.

Love Them, Feed Them. After someone in your community dies, the queue for the casserole brigade shouldn’t cease to exist. Organize neighbors and cook meals, maybe to be delivered two or three times each week for several months after the death.

Caring with Care Packages. Place a refrigerator box or cooler outside their home or arrange to drop the food at the same time each day so family members will know it is there and can receive it. With simple instructions taped on the container the family will unpack some great and healthy food and know they are remembered and are part of a community.

Helping to Heal. Sometimes a simple act of kindness shared among neighbors makes the world of difference to someone struggling in a new situation. Make sure all the neighbors understand their role and the rules. No chit-chat unless requested—cook, deliver, and leave the food, and that’s it. This is not the time to visit unless you are invited to do so.