Chapter 48

Monday

Work, Well-Being

Dealing with Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with power.

If you believe you are being sexually harassed, you can think about whether you want to confront the perpetrator. If this is a friend, an acquaintance, or a colleague, you may need the support of someone you trust to talk with confidentially to help you.

Generally it is better to confront directly. If you don’t, you will be sending a silent message that this is acceptable to you and to society. And the harassment behavior will likely continue. Whether it is verbal, nonverbal, or physical, it is important that you say no in a very emphatic way. Your sanity is at stake.

Speak Up for Yourself. If you are uneasy about addressing this person, relax and focus entirely on what you are going to say. Keep it short and to the point. “Your comments are offensive. You need to stop and stop now.” Be sure you practice saying what you intend to say several times so the words do not get stuck in your throat. Even if you feel uneasy about being near this person, desensitize yourself by practicing.
Write It Down. Review what you told him and immediately write it down. In the note, describe what he said or did and briefly state why you find his behavior objectionable. Keep a copy for yourself, at home, and send a copy to him.
Keep Recording. In your journal, record what happened, when it happened, and where it happened. If there were other people who witnessed what happened, mention that in your notes so you have documentation should you need it.

You need to stand up to whoever feels it is OK to try to demean you or your womanhood.

Tuesday

Parent, Family

The First Holiday Alone with Children

Immediately after you experience the death of a spouse or a divorce, your children will undergo many transitions. Life as they know it changes, and you are all unaware of what life will be like. There will be waves of turbulence, unrest, and confusion.

Soon after a death or divorce, children ask questions that require answers, and the answer is often “I don’t know.” “We’ll see.” “I’m not sure.” “This is all new to me, too.” Parents (and kids) are surely angry, sad, disappointed, confused, and sometimes somewhat relieved but on shaky ground. Their holidays are now going to be different, and they don’t know in what ways. They only know that one of their parents is not here.

During the first year, it is important to know that the holidays this year may not be the way they will be in the future, will likely be highly emotional, and may or may not be spent with people you feel close to, and memories of the way things were will be prominent in the minds and hearts of each person in the family in a different way. The dream of what the holidays should be (and often were) is now up for grabs.

Give Them a Hopeful Future. It is important for the children to see that you have confidence in the future. Keep the what-ifs and “How did this happen?” or “It was long in coming but it still feels awful” at bay.

Allow Them to Have Mixed Feelings. Keep in mind that in a divorce situation your children may have ambivalent feelings about being with you and guilty that they are not with their other parent. Even if they have a good time, they may downplay it so their other parent won’t feel bad. In the case of the death of a parent, the children may feel guilty for enjoying the holiday without their parent present. Encourage them to fully express all that they are feeling whether positive or negative (excitement, reservations, nerves).

Be with Others. Accept any and all invitations for dinner and invite a bunch of people (not just one or two) over to your house. Encourage the children to participate in preparing some special holiday food for the meal and serve it to guests.

Don’t Shield Them. Receiving a call from your deceased husband’s sister who lives far away can give you and your children a feeling of love and connectedness that will help to buoy you. Let them have a good cry. Don’t bury the past but don’t dwell in it, either. Ask the children to think about some way they would like to celebrate the holiday and see if you are able to accommodate them. They will feel heard and they will feel as if they have some influence in a situation that is clearly not within their control.

Firsts for you are also firsts for your children—but they are not always the same.

Wednesday

Friends, Family

Comforting Someone

Most people don’t know what to say or do when friends are grieving. Do you try to cheer them up? Reassure them that things will be all right? Pray with them? Tell them about your own similar experiences?

If you’re not comfortable with what they are going through, it will be difficult to be a source of comfort for them. So first come to terms with their predicament and then reach out. You can and will make a difference and help save their sanity.

What’s OK to Say? In my psychology practice, people want to know if they should ask questions. I know all too well that the best thing you can do is listen. It’s healing for someone to know you are really hearing what they are going through. It is not wise to ignore the whole matter and act as if nothing has happened because resentment can build. If you say anything, first ask if it’s OK to offer your experience or thoughts. If they don’t want to hear about what you have to say, you’ll know.

Don’t Let Them Lose Face. People who are grieving must not lose their dignity. They might be dealing with fear, anger, disappointment, betrayal, hopelessness, sadness, grief, and perhaps guilt or shame. They are vulnerable. Let them know you have their confidence.

Don’t Have an Agenda. Just be there. Take their cues and get a feel for their receptivity for some cheering up or diversions from their suffering. If they want to wallow, let them. Have patience and compassion.

Instead of saying, “Call me if there’s anything I can do,” check in with them and let them know they are in your heart.

Thursday

Parent, Family, Midlife

Let Them Leave the Nest

When your kids go off into the world you may not feel you are finished parenting. The truth is you are never finished being a parent. You just become a parent in a different way. You’ll always be Mom, but you may have to redefine your role in your children’s life now that they are away.

Feeling lonely is part of the process. Now that you have an empty nest, you may question your life and your purpose. It may be time to examine your own relationship more carefully since you don’t have your children to take the focus off of it.

You and your partner, if you have one, may experience this loss differently from each other. For one of you, having the child out of the house may help the relationship, and for the other it may exacerbate difficulties or it may just be too tough—the sadness too excruciating.

Roots and Wings. You gave them roots (good values, ethics, and standards) and now are offering them wings to fly on their own. It is important that children leaving home not be burdened with the guilt that they are abandoning you. Let them go and be responsible for your own happiness.

Connect on a Regular Basis. Stay in touch via cell phone, mail, e-mail, etc. Be careful not to have too much contact or be intrusive so your children can gain independence and develop a healthy self-image apart from their life at home. Allowing for separation and privacy will help these young adults to become more of an adult on their own. Also listen to what they are expe riencing instead of starting off phone conversations with twenty questions. Give ample time before the first visit.

Let Them Go over Time. Once they leave, be conscious of the different changes you will make. Some kids go to college and their parents are eager to turn their rooms into an office, a sewing room, a den—and the kids feel unwelcome. The kids were in your life for eighteen years or so, so everyone is in transition. Help them sort through some belongings before leaving, and maybe when they return in summers from time to time. This way you can both let go a little at a time and no one is jolted.

Use Your Time Wisely. Do the projects you have been unable to do because you were so busy being a mom. Fill up the time you used to spend with your child or for your child with things that interest you. Reconnect with your partner as a couple again.

Your role is changing to become more of a mentor than a manager. You are still and will always be Mom.

Friday

Parent, Single

Dating When You Have Kids

Making the transition from parent mode to date mode can be a challenge. Just remember that many single parents have fulfilling social lives, and you can, too. Whether you’re involved in an established relationship or are dating several people, here are some basic sanity-saving suggestions for dating when you have children.

Introduce a New Love When It’s Time. Keep your romantic life separate from your family life until you know you’re ready to introduce your new love interest to your kids.

You Don’t Need Permission. Your children may have a hard time adapting at first, but you don’t need their permission to date. Tell your children who you are going out with, but don’t discuss the details with them when you return. Remember, be honest, because kids are smart. They’ll recognize you are dating rather than just going out with friends. They’ll also know when a “friend” is more than just that. You need not discuss details about your dating, but you should be honest that you are dating. Where you are going and with whom may be all that children need to gain a comfort level and take the mystery out of your private life.

It Is OK to Have a Social Life. Allowing yourself to be an adult on “your time” is an essential part of maturing into your single life. Ease your mind by making sure your children are properly cared for and supervised by someone who knows them well and enjoys being with them, and whom they look forward to being with so you can really enjoy yourself when you are out.

It Is OK to Recognize Your Sexual Needs. If you are involved in a sexual relationship, limit the encounters to times when you can be totally alone and your sexual relationship can remain private. Do not have sex in your house if the kids are there or could come home.

Act Responsibly. You’re an adult, so act like one. Coming home at three A.M. when your baby-sitter or teens thought you were returning at midnight will raise lots of issues. They’ll know when you’re out of sync, either dating too frequently or spending too much energy with the thought of dating. Save a good part of your energy source for your primary responsibility, parenting; save lots more for your work; and have fun with the rest.

You deserve to have a full life that encourages the many sides of you to flourish.

Weekend

Community, Well-Being

Teach and Expand Your World

You daydream about traveling to other cultures and exotic sites but don’t have the opportunity to do so because of the job, the kids, the lack of time, or the lack of funds. By tutoring an adult ESL student, you can expand your world. You’ll meet people from other lands and help someone else feel more comfortable in their new homeland.

If you are frustrated and stuck in the same old place, preserve your sanity as you reach out to someone who comes from a different country. You can make a difference in the world, one person at a time.

Connect One-on-One. As you tutor, open your mind to diverse traditions and ways of life that you can experience through your students. Even though you are the teacher, so are you also the student.
Be a Link. As you develop relationships with people you probably would never have met before, assist them in developing a sense of belonging in a place where others perceive them as different.
Develop a Partnership. Focus on the progress your students make. Reflect on your own life when you learned something you wanted to know and the gratification you and your teacher felt.