Chapter 49

Monday

Friends, Family

Now You Are Caregiving

You may feel as if it is a tremendous imposition to be a caregiver. If you do, this attitude will make your role much more difficult. It will impact not only the quality of care you offer but also the nature of the relationship with the person for whom you are caring.

Consider seeing this role as an honor, perhaps a privilege, as well as an opportunity to discover aspects of yourself that you may not have developed in the past, as you preserve your sanity.

Expect the Unexpected. You might learn something you never knew from this experience. Cultivate patience, a sense of humor, and flexibility.
Demonstrate Affection. Appreciate the person you are caring for and really open up to her. Be willing to try it her way.
Communicate Respectfully. Encourage and model a respectful attitude. Expect to feel isolated and misunderstood at times, but nonetheless keep the connection open.

Expect at times to feel incompetent as a caregiver and take time to do things that you enjoy and make you feel competent.

Tuesday

Friends, Family, Work

It’s None of Your Business

Your friend is cheating. She is fooling around with someone who is highly inappropriate and you want to help her call off this ridiculousness because her marriage and her life as she knows it is in jeopardy. Or your adult daughter is dating a creep and she seems to be blinded by the love light. You are unsure whether you should say anything to her to help open her eyes. How about knowing that your neighbor is doing something illicit in her apartment and you wonder if, as a good citizen and friend, you have a responsibility to talk to her?

In order to keep your sanity, how and where do you draw the line regarding when to get involved and when to stay out of it?

There’s a Fine Line. Sometimes “none of your business” is your business because you care about the person. Knowing where to draw the line between being helpful and being intrusive is different in every situation and depends, in large part, on your relationship and the personalities involved.

The Important Question. Assess if getting involved could put your relationship with that person at risk. If so, decide whether that’s a risk you’re willing to take (pushing for an intervention is a good example).

Are You Too Involved? The best lessons are learned by our own experiences. Sometimes someone will wake up if we heighten their awareness, but many times they’ll just ignore good advice. They may know deep inside that what they are doing is not right for them, but will have to find it out for themselves in their own time. Try and keep your personal agenda out of this and determine if you can let them learn life lessons on their own even if it causes them pain.

Nobody will get help until they are ready. But oftentimes, changes can be made when the right person, in the right way, encourages and supports them to do so.

Wednesday

Well-Being

Anxiety

You may wonder why lately you’re breathing quickly and have sweaty palms, a fast heartbeat, the shakes, and a queasy stomach. Of course, you should see a doctor, who just might determine that your symptoms are from excessive worrying and being on edge all the time.

If you have been feeling anxious for some time, saving your sanity is about dealing with the stress.

Your “Hakuna Matata.” Depending on a variety of factors, anxiety can be reduced by therapy, relaxation techniques, biofeedback, and medication. Learning how to breathe deeply (rather than short, shallow, scary breaths) along with simple progressive relaxation of your muscles can assist in feeling less anxious. The key to effective relaxation techniques is practicing them two or three times each day for about fifteen to twenty minutes each time when you are not feeling anxious, as well as when you are.
Balance Your Energy. Consider whether the pace of your life is benefiting you in the long run. If you are busy, busy, busy, your anxiety may be tied into not being able to see an opportunity to stop the rat race. Where do you need to put your energy or reduce it so that you can feel more relaxed?
Challenge Your Belief System. It is possible for you to think about situations differently so they do not raise your level of anxiety or worry.

When you change the way you see the world, alter your belief system, and learn and practice techniques for relaxation, anxiety can become a thing of the past.

Thursday

Parent, Family

Secrets Are Not for Children

Picture this: two schoolchildren whispering in each other’s ears and giggling about something that was just said. Seems innocent and cute and, well, no harm done. But as adults we know that telling secrets may be harmful not only to the person about whom the secret is said, but also to the people who tell someone else’s secret. Encouraging secret telling among our children can teach them more than mistrust. It can encourage them to conceal or alter information, and it can promote exclusionary cliques as well as enlisting allies to impart power over others. Is this what we want to teach our kids about social behavior? I think we can do better in the life lessons department.

On the other hand, when children are told to keep secrets it is often in the context of a problematic or threatening situation. For instance, a parent might want her anger to be kept under wraps or may want to hide a shocking family truth from coming out. Often children who hold secrets, such as family embarrassments, tend to grow up with shame and confusion. All children need to know that they can always tell a trustworthy adult what is happening to them or what they have witnessed in their family.

How and when do we adults keep secrets from our children? Many of us wrestle with the issue of whether we provide important information that is potentially hurtful versus protecting them because they are children and not saying anything. It is essential to know whether your decision is made because you are uncomfortable discussing something, you don’t know how to talk about it, or you really do believe your children would benefit from knowing or not knowing the information.

Age Appropriate. If you feel it’s important to tell children information that may be painful, you can present it in stages. Use discretion in providing details and just reveal information that is appropriate with their stage of development. Adult situations and certain concepts can be complicated. Just focus on what needs to be said now and remember that you can wait to give information (particularly details) until they are able to understand more.

Some Matters Are Private. If your children find out something they should never have known, you may wonder if you can ask them not to tell. If it doesn’t involve something that they can attach shame or confusion about themselves, and is related to your personal privacy, then the answer is yes. If your preteen accidentally finds your birth control medication when she wasn’t allowed to go into your drawers, you might want to ask her to keep your personal business to herself. Explain the situation to her as best you can for her age—why a single mom would need birth control—and request that she not announce it to the world. Then let it go. If she has the need to discuss it with her friends, she’s going to do so anyway, and you can’t monitor her conversations. On the other hand, if the secret your children discover would cast shame or guilt on them, seek out a professional who can work through this issue with you and them as a family.

Secrets Versus Surprises. Unfortunately, there are abusive people who can cause harm to our children and ask them to keep it a secret. That’s why it’s so important for kids to be told not to keep secrets. One of the only secrets we can ask our children to hold is in relation to a celebration—say, asking them not to blow the whistle on Dad’s surprise birthday party. Don’t label this as a secret, but clearly define it as a surprise in anticipation of a party or enjoyment. Children should know the difference between a surprise and a secret so no one can take advantage of their innocence.

Always let children know that they should not keep secrets and should share their concerns or troubles with a trustworthy adult.

Friday

Partner, Family

Newly Married with Adult Children

Some newly married women in their fifties face the challenge of their adult children not liking or being nice to their new partners. Dealing with your adult child as well as your partner can be challenging.

If you have decided to take a chance on another marriage, then obviously this relationship is important to you. But your adult children may not think this person is so great or they may just feel they have no responsibility or benefit in being nice to your new partner. For whatever reasons, they may not be ready to reach out to another father figure. On the other hand, your children are adults, and you may have the expectation that they will behave in a respectful manner to all other adults. You may even feel protective of your kids and understand the difficulty they are having warming up to a new stepparent.

Think quietly about what might be upsetting your children about your partner. Be open to whatever comes into your mind and your heart. Whatever it is, tell your adult children that you are interested in hearing what their objection is to your partner. If they do not tell you, offer what you think may be impeding closeness and ask if you may be on the right track.

Alone Time. Spend as much time with your partner and with your children alone as you can. Although you may want to, your role is neither as referee nor mediator. Have a conversation with your children in which you tell them that they do not have to like your new partner but that you and he are very happy and you would appreciate your children treating you both respect fully. You can also tell them that you hope, in time, they will get to know this new person through your eyes and like him or her. If that will not happen, you will be in the awkward position of having to spend time with each of them, separately, which will be stressful for you.

Parenting Goes On. Let your children know that you love them and will be there for them as their parent. This does not mean that you will not be able to live your life with this new person. Tell your children that you will not allow yourself to be in the position of taking sides or of defending either your children or your partner to the other.

Be True to You. Tell your children you feel they have put you in an unfair and untenable position and you will do your best to be true to yourself and work it out.

Negotiate. Establish the minimum that you would want from your children when they are with your partner (a greeting, small talk, and avoiding insults). Get agreements about treating your partner with respect.

You are entitled to love someone. When you remarry, your adult children may have a tough time.

Weekend

Community, Well-Being

Be of Service in Times of Crisis

In recent years, this nation has dealt with the unthinkable events of September 11, the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and the tsunami. At times like these we’re forced to reflect on our own lives and what is meaningful. Is our life in balance? Are we off track from that which is important? Is it time to start to be of service?

If you’re left with feelings of loss, sadness, and helplessness when disaster strikes, commit yourself to some kind of service for others. Contributing is good for you and helps you to heal. Save your sanity by helping others and yourself.

Where to Begin? Let the crisis be a catalyst for getting out and giving even if unrelated to the current event. Start small with something that sparks your interest, keep it simple, and let your charitable nature evolve.
So Much To Do, So Little Time. Write a letter to an inmate in jail, help in a local library, get involved with a cause or political campaign, be a baby rocker in the hospital, play the piano at a nursing home, rake leaves or shovel snow for a home-bound elderly person, cook a meal for your local shelter, help teach children to read. Get the idea?
You’ll Reap the Rewards. Sow seeds of contributing to your community and grow. Make a difference; be a role model for kids; feel involved; improve your outlook as well as your physical, mental, and emotional health; and touch others’ lives.