Chapter 6

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Come on, you know that no one is riding up on a white horse or whisking you off to Paris at every spare moment—don’t you? Or do you have some unrealistic expectations floating around in your head?

If you want a good relationship, you’ve got to know what to expect. Don’t think your partner is going to go on long Saturday lunches and antiquing if his idea of a great weekend is catching up on paperwork. Sure, he’ll be there for an occasional quaint getaway, but know that most weekends he’ll be logging in computer time.

Save your sanity by getting real about your relationship and being clear about what you are able and unable to accept.

What Is Nonnegotiable? What must you have? If you are clear, then you will narrow the field. If you must date someone who is the same religion, then don’t go out with those who practice a different faith. If you must be with someone who likes children because you have two, then don’t go out with someone who has no patience for kids.

Be Pleasable. He doesn’t want to feel as if he is constantly disappointing you. Instead he wants to please you. Talk about what you want, but be reasonable. Unrealistic expectations bring about disappointment and resentful feelings. You will turn into someone who is demanding. Is that who you want to be?

Negotiate What Is Not a Must. Your ideal is Mr. Fix-It, but this guy doesn’t know how to turn on a drill. If you love him, learn how to do it yourself or hire someone. Don’t blame him for what he cannot or will not master.

People can only do what they can do—without compromising themselves. Learn to accept that special someone in your life or move on.

Assistant Blurring the Lines

Your assistant is efficient and has proven herself to be smart, clear thinking, and helpful. Except you are getting the creepy feeling that she thinks she is you.

While she is very competent, you notice that the lines between the two of you are blurring. She finishes your sentences for you, answers people’s questions that are directed at you, and makes decisions that affect you without consultation. You find that you are going to work with a pit of dis-ease in your stomach and have to do something.

Prepare Your Talk. Focus in your own mind why this is a problem for you and what you need to have change in order to proceed. Breathe deeply and imagine what your work life would be like without this person. See if you can separate what works from what doesn’t work. Be prepared to give her up if you need to.

Reinforce Her Positives. In private, let her know what she does that is good and helpful, and emphasize that which is acceptable. Assure her that you like working with her and have come to depend on her good judgment in most things. Point to specifics.

Communicate Your Gripes. Tell her what disturbs you about her work and what you need her to do differently. Ask her if she thinks she can work in this sort of setup. If she can’t, assist her in finding a position where she will have more authority, can delegate, and can feel more in control.

Your assistant is there to assist you, not to be you.

When May-December Relationships Get Older

Falling in love is great at any age. When you love someone who is significantly older than you, the older partner can slow down and may not be able to keep up with you or with the lifestyle you had years ago. This also happens with couples when one person is ill or has developed different interests.

You need to decide how you want to spend your time. What is important to each of you regarding selecting what you do together and what you do on your own? Forgoing events or activities may or may not work for your self-esteem or for the relationship. If you were avid tennis partners and he can no longer play, does it make sense for both of you to drop your rackets?

New Interests. If you don’t want to experience things without your mate, find ways to do things that satisfy your love of sharing things. Consider developing new interests together that you can both enjoy (photography, bird watching, etc.). Being in such different places in your lives does not mean you cannot enjoy each other.

Keep Your Interests Alive…and find ways to integrate them into your couple life. If adventure travel was your thing and you still want to experience the world together, consider an occasional challenging trip on your own or with friends. Why not travel together to an exotic place via cruise ship, and you take the more adventurous side trip? If, however, you decide to give up something you enjoyed together, be sure you do it without blame or resentment. Life is about moving on, and at this point, you may decide to put that energy into developing a new interest either alone or together.

Are You Afraid? Consider, frankly, what you feel is missing in your life and what you fear. Come to terms with whether your “couple pace” is shifting or you are facing your mate’s mortality and the prospect of being alone or a caregiver.

Adjust. Appreciate that the aging process is not only about loss but about shifting. When one half of a couple is not keeping up with his former pace, your relationship can get out of balance. It is important to discuss what your individual and collective expectations are so you can go forward together as a loving couple.

When your partner is no longer able to keep your former “couple pace,” consider where in your life as a couple and as an individual you can still be challenged and satisfied.

Time to Cook for the Family

Who’s got time to cook? Most people don’t have much time at all, it seems. Or do they?

Why are we running around with the kids and getting them fatty fast food for dinner in the backseat of the car while shuttling between soccer practice and ballet class? Why do many families live on takeout food loaded with MSG and at-home greasy pizza delivery? Or worse yet, why are we eating more and more processed convenience foods at home and stacking our freezers with the latest pop-in-the-microwave foods laden with sugar, trans fat, artificial food colorings, and preservatives?

You know this is no way to lead a healthy lifestyle, and your waistline might be telling you the same. So how do you find the time to cook nowadays? Save your sanity and the calories by committing to some home cooking no matter what your schedule says. According to Kathleen Daelemans, author of the Cooking Thin series, if you have time to watch television, surf the Net, cruise the clearance bins, or read even half of your junk mail, you have time to cook. It’s all about your commitment to getting fit and using your time wisely. It’s easier than you think, and there’s no better way to bring the family together.

Get Over the Hate. If you “hate” to cook, you won’t. Figure out what it will take to turn your mindset around. What will it take for you to be willing to cook at home and for you to make your family’s health your number one priority? Figure it out and teach your children to cook and eat well, which is one of the best gifts you can give them.

Create Culinary Triggers. Every time the phone rings or the kids do homework, it’s your cue to head into the kitchen to chop, slice, and dice. Focus on the evening meal. If you’ve got dinner in the bag, start work on kid’s lunches for the next day (instead of cafeteria food) or for tomorrow’s supper.

Be Busy When Idle. When on hold, waiting in a doctor’s office, or waiting for the kids at pickup time, whip out a cookbook or cooking magazine. Tab recipes you like. Choose five (look for short recipes with few ingredients), assign them each a day of the week. Create shopping lists from the ingredient lists.

Enroll the Kids. Choose your sous chefs and give them their assignments (along with their modern-day toque, which is usually a baseball cap). After the age of five, everyone’s capable of pitching in to help with dinner. Put someone in charge of picking the recipes, and another child in charge of shopping, table setting, and cleaning.

Start with one day a week that is home cooking night and build a healthy lifestyle for the whole family from there.

Finding Time to Exercise

OK, we all know we need to exercise. But sometimes finding the time to get to the gym is not easy. When work, responsibilities, the kids, and just plain life gets in the way, taking that morning jog goes by the wayside and all other efforts to stay in shape are abandoned.

You can stay fit and fit it into your schedule. Try these:

Walk, Walk, Walk. Stop driving your kids to the bus stop! Walking will not only be a great way to start your day but will also instill fitness into your kids’ routines. Walk up those stairs instead of taking the elevator, park you car in the farthest parking spot when shopping, and walk the mall in foul weather. Instead of letting your pooch run around in the yard getting zapped by the electronic fence, grab its leash and go down the street, a woodsy trail, or the beach. Just walk!

Break Up Your Routine. If you can’t dedicate an hour to work out, wake up, stretch, and just work on your abs. When you can take a break, break out the hand weights and work on your upper body. Before dinner, go for a five-minute mini jog and then work on a few leg exercises while the water boils. A few yoga stretches at bedtime will ease tension in your muscles. Try ending with the “corpse” pose (lying flat on your back, totally relaxed) for the ultimate relaxation technique.

Find Your Optimum Times. If you can’t exercise every day, why try? Can your schedule allow for two mini workouts on the weekdays and a full workout on one day of the weekend? If mornings are your best time to get it over and done with (even though it’s hard to get motivated), lay your sneakers and workout gear next to the bed and put everything on when your feet touch the floor. That way you won’t think too much and will be on your way to getting in shape bright and early. Maybe midday or evenings are a good time to sneak in a few crunches or deep knee bends.

Get Sporty. Why not pick up your tennis racket, golf clubs, or bathing suit and head to the place where you can actually use these items? Mix social time with getting-in-shape time. Ever wanted to try in-line roller skating, horseback riding, or fencing? Now may be the time to get up and get going and try something new.

If you want to lead a healthy lifestyle, you will find the time to stay in shape.

When Your Child Accuses You of Loving a Sibling More

“You love him more than me.” Did you ever hear those words from your kids? Worse yet, did your child ever announce to a captive audience of friends and family that you, his mother, clearly love his younger brother more than you love him?

With those very impressive eyes staring at you and no hole to crawl into, it is time to take a deep breath and reach into your heart for the most appropriate response. What you say will be remembered by your child, you can be sure.

Put Yourself in His Sneakers. Even though you’re telling yourself your child is ridiculous, try to imagine how he feels and why he would say this in front of people. Do you have more in common or a shared interest with one child over the other? If one of your children is quieter, does the squeaky wheel get more attention just because she’s always squeaking? Is one child the achiever and demands more attention without you realizing it?
Validate Their Feelings. “I can see how you would feel that way. You came out of the womb and it was as if you spoke a different language. We were very different, and it is more difficult for us to understand each other. But we try and we do it. Your brother came out of the womb speaking the same language I speak. So because it is easier for us to communicate, I can see that you would think it means I love him more. I don’t. I love you both, but in different ways because you’re different people.”

It’s a Balancing Act. Understand that sometimes it is just easier to get along with one child you might spend more time with. A sibling might interpret that as you loving his sister more when, in fact, it is usually not about love. It is about expressing connection and trust. Try and reinforce to your child who feels left out that you love him. Carve out special time and communicate your feelings. When you tell your child you love him, look him in the eye and say it from your heart. Balance time and energy you put into your relationship with each of your children.

Getting to know your children takes time—sometimes a lifetime. In the process, they may or may not interpret your actions and attitude accurately.

Week 6

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Weekend