Lauren and I are in the Shed of Vlog. It’s Sunday morning, and Granddad has taken down his calendar. This is a small but sweet act of loveliness on his part. Now everyone will know we have nothing to do with wading birds.
Lauren moves a spade out of the way and looks at me. “Are you ready, Mills?”
I tell her yes. I’ve been practicing all night in the mirror. I think I’ve got it. I’ve planned my advice, and I’ve planned how to say it. I’ve nicked a bit of it from stuff I’ve seen in magazines, but I think I can get away with it.
Lauren counts me in like a proper film director. “Three. Two. One. ACTION!”
“Hello. I’m Millie, and welcome to the very first Hashtag Help vlog! You can see that I’m doing this without any makeup on. Extreme close-up please, Lauren.”
(And Lauren zooms the phone RIGHT in so you can basically dive into my pores.)
“And the truth is, I’m really scared, because no makeup means—”
(At this point, we hear a very loud, odd version of “Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall.”)
“Ignore that! That’s my aunty Teresa. She bought an ice-cream van and just got the siren thingy going. She hasn’t got any freezers, but she’s working on that.
“Um, where was I? Okay, I just want to explain why I’m doing this without any contouring or stuff. I love makeup, but there are things that are more important than eyeliner. I didn’t want to be all shallow and for my vlog to just be about how I look.
“Anyway, today I want to talk to you about parents. ‘Hashtag Help Me Cope With Crazy Adults In My Life.’ We are always told that anyone over the age of eighteen should know what they’re doing. The fact is, they don’t. As you can hear, my aunty Teresa has bought a mobile dessert truck. I wish I could say this was the first time she’s done something random like this, but it’s not. And I don’t think she’s going to change. In fact, as long as the adults in your life are not actually hurting you, you kind of have to accept that they are very unlikely to change. If they are the sort of people who are convinced that they invented synchronized swimming in a kiddie pool at the age of four, then they’re probably going to be the same at forty-four.
“Accept them, and, if you can, try to help them. For example, my aunty Teresa has said that she’s going to make an avocado-and-chili-ripple ice cream for her van, and I’ve very gently steered her to peanut butter and caramel. You can make a difference to people’s lives … and people’s desserts.
“Now, coping with random adults is less difficult than coping with parents. Parents expect more of you, so they are basically a different species. I have lovely parents, but my mum is currently going out with a man who thinks that a vacuum cleaner’s feelings are worth more than mine. So I’m living with my dad. He is great, but he’s not around that much.
“Generally with parents, I think that the following FOUR things are good to do:
1. Tell them where you are going. If you just disappear somewhere, they get really upset. If your parents watch a lot of crime shows, like CSI, this will definitely be the case, as they think really clever murderers live in mailboxes on every street.
2. Occasionally—and I know it’s hard—start a conversation with them about school. This makes them stupidly happy and they’ll stop asking you all those questions about your day, so it’s a massive win-win situation thing.
3. Ask them about what they were like as teenagers. They might be weird about this to start with, BUT you could see a really surprising, human side of them. They may have had snogging issues or have been dumped horrifically. Remember, most of them didn’t have a mobile phone till they were twenty-something, so their stories could be unbelievable. My mum once waited in a park for over an hour when her friend was meant to be meeting her. Her friend had actually been in a nasty homemade-Rollerblade accident in her own garden and couldn’t walk. She wasn’t horribly injured or anything, but no one could tell Mum. Her friend had a hedge and a wheel on her head, and Mum was completely in the dark, sitting in a park eating chips. Our parents had it really tough. You’ve got to give them a bit of love for that.
4. Okay, this step is harder. I have a friend whose parents argue loads but are staying together because of her. We all know that is just the worst idea ever. It would be far better for them to just call it a day and … Anyway … if you’re living with adults who yell a lot, just—I know this is hard, like, the HARDEST—but try to remember that this is not your fault. And I KNOW they always say that on TV and in books and in serious chats at school. But it’s TRUE. Your parents are just tools. A good thing is to take them aside and say, ‘Look—your arguing is really getting to me and making me feel awful.’ If you tell them how you feel, it might just work. It might not. It could make it worse, but honesty’s worth a try.
“So that’s me, Millie, with ‘Hashtag Help Me Cope With Crazy Adults In My Life.’ Please leave your comments, and, um … until next time…”
I try to make a hashtag with my hands. I’m not sure it works.
“Hashtag Help me to help you!”
Lauren presses STOP.
“What do you think?!” I ask her immediately.
Lauren pulls the sleeves of her shirt over her hands.
“How you say I should handle my parents in real life is different from what you’ve said there.”
This is true. It is.
“I know,” I say. “But I’m trying to be more general with things so it can help more people. Do you know what I mean?”
Lauren looks down at her hands. “Yeah,” she sighs. “They are pretty unique. In a pretty bad way.”
I try to get off the subject and cheer her up. “What did you think of the whole vlog?”
Lauren thinks hard. “Er. Good. For a first go. I think. Not, er, too preachy,” Lauren says. “Are you going to upload that?”
She seems unsure. I stare at her.
“You know what, Lauren. I think I’m going to just think about it for a while. I think that’s…”
And we both say it together:
“Sensible.”