That night starts with a Lauren love conspiracy theory.
“You are SO in love with Bradley Sanderson, it’s not even true.”
I’ve told her about my afternoon at the shopping center, and her response is very predictable.
“Lauren, this is going to shock you, but it is possible to be with a boy and not snog him. But he was lovely. He’s funny. He was talking about sharks and what would happen if they got cell phones!”
Lauren stays quiet.
I try to explain a bit more. “Yes, you had to be there, but he’s sweet and he looked really good. Nice jacket. A Star Wars shirt that actually he—”
Lauren interrupts, “Millie—I’m sorry, but this man is in love with you. You’re so vlog-obsessed these days that you can’t see the OBVIOUS that’s right in front of your eyes. Well, if you don’t fancy him, you should be careful not to go all Erin about him and lead him on.”
This feels rather like Lauren is attacking me, so without thinking, I blurt out, “Lauren. He is NOT in love with me. He’s no more in love with me than Danny is, so get that STRAIGHT out of your head!”
This is very snappy for me, and I feel nervous. Lauren and I, we don’t really argue. I think we can both sense that it’s getting a bit heavy. There’s a pause. I’m worried about what she is going to say next. Even the thought of a fight with Lauren makes me want to throw up.
Then Lauren says, “Are you going cosplay on me? I don’t mind, but if you are, can you warn me? Because if I come around here and you’re dressed up like something from The Walking Dead, it could properly freak me out.”
This makes me smile. This is classic Lauren.
“Why would I go zombie on you, Loz?”
“I don’t know,” she says. “I just have seriously bad zombie nightmares. HASHTAG that time my dad dressed up for Halloween and took the barbecue-sauce-over-his-head thing a bit too far. Even now, any hint of a chipotle dressing and I am seriously feeling vom. Anyway, you are now going out with a cosplayer—”
“I’m not!” I yell. “He’s just my … media advisor!”
And we both collapse laughing at this, because clearly I am not a massive celebrity vlogger and I do not need any sort of advisor in anything.
While we giggle, Bradley direct messages me.
Thank you for giving me your time today. Can we do it again soon? We can discuss how to stop aquatic predators with very sharp teeth getting hold of the latest technology. Imagine sharks with Tasers. B
Bradley uses the kind of words I use, and he’s very clever.
Lauren asks me who’s messaged me. I lie and say Gracie. I have to. It would get too complicated otherwise.
“Let’s do a vlog in a bit, Loz. Why don’t you stay over?”
After my time with Bradley, I’m totally fired up about doing another vlog. He’s RIGHT. Focus on the followers. Tackle the trolls.
Lauren looks really pleased. “Great idea, Mills! I’ll just call my mum and tell her I’ll be spending the night here. To be honest, I don’t think she’ll notice, but you never know! Meet you in Hashtag Help Global HQ.”
This is a very sweet way of describing Granddad’s ever so slightly moldy shed.