I position the camera. I’m ready to share. I don’t even message Lauren. She obviously doesn’t care that much. I just do it.
“Hello. Millie Porter—back sooner than I thought. Thanks for all your comments. Well—thanks for the nice ones. The other ones—whatever.
“Today: ‘Hashtag Help Me Cope With Social Death’—those times when something horrible happens in front of everyone. Let me tell you what happened today. If you go to my school, you know already.
“Basically, I’d just collected my lunch from Mary the cafeteria lady, and she has amazing dreads. Anyway, I was looking at her purple tips and pink roots and talking to my BFF Lauren and then I fell over my own feet and made a chip carpet. Which was embarrassing beyond belief. Can I just officially thank Lauren and the totally cool Gracie, who picked me up and didn’t just stand there and stare or laugh or clap or whatever. Gracie—you have the best eye makeup ever and you are also actually a lovely person. Thank you. Also Bradley—thanks for the replacement food.
“Anyway. The aftermath of my fall is being shared around, and that’s pretty terrible. And you know what? I’m gutted, but …
“No. I’m gutted.
“And I was going to hide away from it. But then I thought, ‘All I have done is drop some chips. SO WHAT?! WHO CARES?!’”
I start to get mad here.
“IT WAS SOME CHIPS ON A FLOOR. If a seagull had been in the school cafeteria, he would have been epically happy. I am SICK of feeling like my every move is being watched by people who cannot wait for me to go wrong. So this is ME, Millie, saying NOW—THESE PEOPLE, LIKE MR. STYLE SHAME, WHO CALL PEOPLE OUT ON INSTAGRAM should be IGNORED. Stop giving them attention. Falls are not that big a deal. NOR ARE LIFE FAILS. Really. And to prove that, I am going to fall over again.”
(And I do. Badly. Spoon. But it makes my point.)
“No, there were no chips with that one, but you get it.
“But I just want to say to you: If that happens to you, you don’t need to hide away. You don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. You fell over. You dropped some chips. You did WHATEVER. You did not in any way hurt anyone. If you get caught doing something that makes you feel stupid, SO WHAT?! DROPPING YOUR LUNCH IS NORMAL. And you shouldn’t have to feel bad about it.
“And another thing—photos of people eating. No one looks glamorous when they are eating. I have here a sandwich made by my aunty Teresa. It has cheese, and I am going to eat it.
“Do what you like. Do NOT BE SHAMED. This is Millie. Hashtag Help me to help you. Thank you. Good night—and don’t feel bad about yourself!”
(And I take a massive bite of this sandwich and stop filming.)
Honestly, I don’t feel very comfortable with how I look on-screen, either. Even though I am real on my vlog, I’m not totally real. You can’t share ALL of you. Like Granddad says, there’d be nothing left.
If I’m honest, it’s not the same without Lauren. It’s not as much fun, and without her, it’s not as good. She’s like my cheerleader.
I message her, telling her I’ve uploaded a new one. I can see that she’s read it, but I get nothing back. What is wrong with her?! She sits on her phone. It’s never out of her hand. It’s—
MUM.
Oh, CHUFFING CHUFF.
She’s shouting my name from outside. Why is she here? I must be in trouble again. There’s no way she’d be around here at this time if I’m not.