This is scary, and midweek should not be about face-to-face combat. It’s a drastic measure, but some things need sorting right now. As I get around the corner to Lauren’s house, I start to case the joint. I watched this on a private investigator’s vlog once. You assess the hostility and the threat.
I see that Lauren’s dad is mowing the lawn, so I decide that perhaps I may have overreacted to any threat, but I was right to check. You can’t be too careful.
Lauren’s dad can’t hear me over the hum of the mower. It’s odd, because the grass doesn’t need cutting, but you can’t argue with gardeners. I know that from Granddad.
I run upstairs to see Lauren. She’s sitting on her bed and barely looks at me when I walk in. “Oh, you’ve remembered that I exist,” she says.
“Lauren! What is up with you? Why haven’t you replied to any of my messages or been at school? Are you ill? You’ve been acting like a TOTAL cow.”
She gives me a look that she’s never given me before, like she’s about to explode. Then she sneers, “I’m surprised you’ve noticed. You’re so in love with those people on your vlog. Or Danny. Or Bradley.”
OH. So she isn’t in any danger from a terrorist group. She’s actually just JEALOUS. This makes me LIVID.
“Well, Lauren. Sorry to tell you this, but people on there actually need me for a bit of good sense and stuff. A bit of—”
Lauren gets off her bed and starts screaming. Actual, total RAGE. “I need you, and I’m actually real! I helped you make that vlog WHAT IT IS! Have you noticed that I’m having the worst time at home ever?! My parents are at war. I don’t even know where my mum is right now. My dad isn’t speaking to anyone and is mowing dirt. HE IS TRYING TO MOW ACTUAL MUD. I am going through HELL. And all you care about these days is your views. Your views?! Who do you think you are?! WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER?! You’ve been totally taken in by it all, Millie. Everything you say and do is about your YouTube channel and your friends on there. And I was happy to help, but now it’s taken over. You don’t need my advice. Go and speak to one of your many friends.” (Lauren keeps making little quotation marks with her fingers every time she says the word friends.) “YOU don’t need a best friend. You need a public-relations manager!”
This makes me cross. I’ve totally been there for Lauren. All the time. Okay, I might have got a bit distracted lately. But she obviously can’t deal with the fact that I have different friends and different interests, and YES! I have done something that a lot of—well, some—people are getting comfort from. Perhaps I haven’t asked her about stuff as much as I should have, but I’m so cross at her for ruining it all that I end up yelling, “Your parents have been rubbish for years. What’s new?!”
Even as I’m saying these words, I know they sound totally awful. Enormous levels of awful, too. But I can’t stop saying them. And when I do say them, Lauren goes a funny color.
“You know what, Millie. You’re right. Yes, they have been. And you’ve been really great about it. You’ve really helped me. But recently, it’s just been all about you. Or you and Erin. Who cares what she thinks ALL the time? And also, the way you’ve been treating Bradley is just…”
“Just WHAT?” And this I really want to know, because … this will totally prove that Lauren is just being completely HORRIBLE and is really just upset at her mum and dad. That’s fine, but be angry at them! Don’t have a go at me!
“You KNOW Bradley likes you,” Lauren shouts. “You KNOW he does! But you keep on pretending that he doesn’t and hanging out with him so he’ll help you with your vlog. And if Mr. Sexy Maple Leaf wasn’t already dating Erin Breeler, you wouldn’t even talk to Bradley, Millie! That’s not fair!”
I’m not having this.
“Lauren. We. Are. Friends. Are you saying women can’t be just friends with a man? I’m sorry, Lauren, but that is totally unfeminist. Bradley is responsible for his emotions, not me!”
(I saw that phrase in an article online—it sounds good.) I’m also trying really hard not to think about the fact that I’ve snogged him and not told my best friend.
“It’s got nothing to do with feminism, Millie! It’s got everything to do with not being a cow. You always bring up the clever stuff when you want to win a row or look cool. How about just not being an idiot that only cares about herself and her PROFILE? I know I’m not the only person with parents who have split up, Millie. I know that. But today I’m the only ex–best friend of yours that has. I’m the only person I know who woke up to her mum crying and packing a suitcase and saying ‘sorry’ repeatedly. My mum left home today! She left my DAD and left HOME! But don’t worry—I understand that, to you, YouTube is more important.”
Now I feel DREADFUL.
“It’s not!” I whisper. “I’m not a mind reader! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t get a word in!” Lauren says through tears. “And you haven’t asked me what’s going on in my life for ages. I’m sorry that Erin is not very nice to you, but so what? So you’re the person she got today. There will be another one tomorrow. And the next day. That’s what Erin does. You can’t change it.”
I start to think. “Do you really think I’ve treated Bradley badly?”
Lauren throws her hands in the air. “Oh, we’re back to YOU again! Do me a favor, Millie. Just GO! GO! You’re not a person I like right now. You’ve been completely messed up by a tiny bit of fame. HASHTAG DREADFUL USELESS COMPLETELY POINTLESS BEST FRIEND.”
I start to cry. Lauren starts to cry.
As I leave, I notice that Lauren’s dad has been mowing the same bit of mud during the entire time I’ve been with her. He didn’t see me arrive, and he doesn’t see me leave. I think Lauren could get kidnapped and he wouldn’t notice. Perhaps I wouldn’t notice, either. I’d be too busy uploading or recording or something.
I’m useless.
#TerribleBestFriend. I never thought that would be aimed at me. But it might be true. It IS true. Very true.