By the time I get home, I’m just over everything and I don’t care. I wipe the batter off my face, get changed out of my costume, and go to the shed. Dave follows me in. She’s still scratching and disappears behind me to tackle her fleas in peace.
I’ve learned a lot these last few days. I feel like I could share something REALLY useful. And who cares about followers or trolls or any of it? This could save someone from what I have suffered. It’s time for a really REAL vlog. I turn on the camera.
“‘Hashtag Help Me.’
“Help me because I NEED help.
“I’ve decided I want to vlog about friendship and relationships and everything and then I’m taking a break from vlogging. And this time I’m going to be totally honest with you.
“The fact is, I feel like a liar. I’m giving all this advice and I can’t get my own life sorted.
“I’m all glowy online, but offline I’m a massive scribble of MESS and MISTAKES. Here’s what happened today. Basically I was meant to be acting like a Victorian match girl for my aunty Teresa’s ghost tour. And while I’m dressed like that I see … someone I really like, and instead of saying something GOOD, I start talking about Canadian ELK. WHY? WHY? WHY? It’s like my brain left my body.
“But on here, I pretend that I know stuff and that I’m the one who can give YOU advice. I can’t! I mess almost everything up. And not just boys but …
“The IMPORTANT STUFF.
“I know some of you know me or sort of know me. But do you? And do I really know me? The thing is—and please don’t think I’m not grateful for all your feedback—but I am spending so much time thinking about this and what I’m going to do on this vlog that I think I’m missing things in front of me. I’m sorry. This sounds so pathetic. And yes, this is a bit of a meltdown, but there’s someone in my life who I have let down so badly. Not by failing to be scary on a ghost tour or by talking about Canadian mammals to a boy I like; I have been ignoring someone who really, REALLY needs me. AND someone who really likes me. And I’ve been … well, I haven’t been fair.
“I have someone in my life whose parents aren’t bad but are useless. Anyway, she has always been there for me, but when I needed to put her first, I didn’t. I put this and you first and someone who doesn’t deserve to be put first FIRST. And she’s been there for EVERYTHING. From the time I got really worried about earthquakes to when I always think I’ve done badly on every test and exam we’ve ever done at school. I know I’m sensible, but I’m also a very annoying worrier. You can be both at the same time. Sometimes one leads to another. The more you know, the scarier the world is.
“BUT ANYWAY …
“Anyway, the point is, I didn’t give her enough time because of THIS world. You. And you are magnificent. You are lovely. I can’t say that enough. You’re not the problem. It’s me. It’s simple. I need to just make sure I don’t miss out on people and actual life. I know, I KNOW I sound like my mum. I probably sound like your mum, too, and, seriously, I’m not giving a lecture here, and neither am I saying I’m giving this up for good. I am not. I LOVE doing this. I’m just putting life in the right order for now. The order that I think it should be in.
“And SEE: This is the real me.
“And I want to say sorry to a person I really hope is watching this.”
(I get a bit teary at this point.)
“So this is Hashtag Help, over and out. I’ll see you again sometime. Just please know that I haven’t got all the answers and I get a lot of stuff wrong. I’m off to put it right now. Well, in the morning. It’s late now, and my cat needs her flea treatment. Not glamorous but fact. Bye.”
I upload it. This is probably leaving myself very open to lots of things. But I want Lauren to see it. And I want everyone to know that I’ve messed up.
I collect Dave and go back to my bedroom. Teresa and Dad are working out the new route for the ghost tour. They are thinking of avoiding the posh flats altogether and using mainly graveyards instead. I hear Granddad saying, “The good thing about dead people is that they can’t disrupt your ghost tour, and even if they do, that will be a really good thing.”
Granddad should vlog. He’s definitely the most sensible person in this house.
Just as I’m about to put my head on the pillow, I get a notification that Mr. Style Shame has posted a photo. When I go to his profile, I can’t believe what I see.
There is a photo of me as a ghost. I look awful. The filter makes it even worse. I don’t know why Mr. Style Shame hates Loz and me so much at the moment. I’ve done NOTHING to him. He must be a dreadful, sexist pig.
I read what Mr. Style Shame has written:
Talk about #WashedOut. This side of Halloween, the ghost look is NOT attractive. #FrightNight
How would Mr. Style Shame have seen me? There was hardly anyone at the ghost talk. Just a bunch of tourists, Danny, Erin, and …
ERIN.
FINALLY I realize that Mr. Style Shame is ERIN. All this time, she’s been pretending to be so positive and mindful and wonderful. In reality, she is just a troll with a really big following. She pretends to be a boy, but it’s her. It MUST be her. She MUST be stopped.
I comment underneath:
This is me in this photo, @MilliePorter. I KNOW who you are, “MISTER” Style Shame. You’ve made it obvious. You need to stop this NOW. Or I am going to tell everyone EXACTLY who you are and EXACTLY what you are about.
I lie back on my pillow and think this is the bravest thing I have ever done. I don’t care anymore. I’ve had the worst day EVER. Let Erin say and do what she likes.
I MUST sleep.