Logan stared at Sandra’s bent head and wondered what was happening to him.
He slipped his thumbs over Sandra’s hands again, his mind arguing with his heart. Nothing had changed in their lives. They had merely gotten to know each other better.
Yet he knew—sensed that Sandra felt a dissatisfaction with her life. He remembered something she had said just before he left—“I lost my way.”
He thought of what he had found out this afternoon. He knew he had to tell Sandra.
“I, uh, got a message from my secretary.” Logan kept his hold on her hands, unsure what to hope for. What to pray for. “She found a tutor for me who’s willing to start Monday and work for the rest of the summer.”
He felt Sandra’s slight withdrawal, the gentle tug of her hands. But he didn’t let go. He had more to say.
He looked at her, wishing she would do the same.
“But I was going to ask you if you could come with us to Calgary. If you’d be willing to work for me there.”
It was a long shot. Maybe even a dumb suggestion.
All he knew was that it took only a few hours away from her to make him realize how much she had come to mean to him. He wasn’t sure where this would go, he only knew that somehow he wasn’t ready to let her leave.
“I don’t know,” Sandra replied, her voice unsteady.
It wasn’t what he hoped to hear, but he knew Sandra well enough to know she wasn’t going to commit to something like this immediately.
“I have a friend who’s away for the month of August on a project. He always told me that if I could find someone to live in his condo, that would be great. You’d have a place to stay and a place to finish your lamps. Maybe even find another job.”
He realized he was pressuring her, pushing her into a corner. But he wanted to make sure that all the options and possibilities were laid out before she made a decision.
Sandra looked at him, her eyes holding his in a long look that cut directly to his heart. “I’d like to think about this.”
Logan nodded. Of course she couldn’t make a decision right away. They both realized the portent of what he was suggesting. “I understand. But I need to tell you that no matter what you decide, the girls and I are leaving tomorrow night.”
Another absent nod from Sandra. Then she finally succeeded in pulling her hands out of his. “I should go,” she whispered, looking around for her crutches.
Logan picked them up and handed them to her as she rose. She wouldn’t look at him. Wouldn’t make eye contact.
He wished there was some way he could understand what was going through her mind.
“You don’t have to walk me home,” she said, moving toward the door.
Logan ignored that remark as he held the door open for her and followed her into the cool of the evening.
As they made their way to her house, Logan felt as if he’d made himself vulnerable to her by offering her the job. It was like an echo of the approval he kept hoping he would get from his parents for what he was doing.
But what else could he have done? he wondered. He couldn’t just leave her. Not after discovering how much he missed her. He gave Sandra a quick sidewise glance, surprised to see her looking directly at him.
“What are you thinking about?” He couldn’t help asking.
Sandra smiled lightly, then looked ahead. “I’m thinking that those two girls may not have parents, but they are the luckiest girls I’ve met.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because they have an uncle who looks out for them. Who takes good care of all aspects of their lives. I know that’s not how I talked a few weeks ago,” Sandra continued, stopping at the end of her walk. She shook her thick hair, glancing at him. “You’re a good man, Logan Napier. And you’ve done a good job with Brittany and Bethany.”
Even as her compliment warmed his heart, her words sounded suspiciously like words of farewell. A tying off of loose ends.
In the diffused light of evening, her eyes were like dark smudges in her face. Unreadable and mysterious.
Logan wanted to touch her, to establish some kind of connection, but sensed that this was not the time or place. He would see her tomorrow, he reasoned. She hadn’t given him a definite answer one way or the other. He had to bide his time.
And trust.
“Thanks for that, Sandra,” he said quietly, rocking on his heels. “And I’ll see you tomorrow.” He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out, brushing his knuckle over her cheek. Then he left.
* * *
Sandra watched him go, wavering between calling him back and keeping her mouth shut. His offer of a job was a turning point in their relationship. A change that would take her irrevocably in another direction. Could she go?
Could she stay here when the thought of him and the girls leaving created a dull ache in her chest, a sense of losing something pure and real?
Yet to go with them would mean going back to Calgary, the place her father lived. She wasn’t ready for him and wanted to see him on her own terms. She had dreamed so many times of being able to show him that she could make it on her own. That she didn’t need the degree he had forced her to get.
She wanted to prove that her choices were valid. That she could finish what she started and make money doing it.
Going to Calgary as the girls’ tutor was not what she had planned. But she knew it could lead to more than she was able and maybe even willing to give Logan and his nieces.
Sandra pushed open the door of her cabin. Cora was draped all over their couch, papers scattered around her. She looked up and grinned as Sandra entered.
* * *
“I decided to stay for a couple of days. I need a base of operations for now.”
Sandra nodded. And you needed something to eat, she thought.
“And how was your day of coaxing young girls into streamlined learning processes?” Cora asked.
“It went well.” Sandra sat down in the lumpy chair across from the sofa.
“And I noticed that a very good-looking man escorted you to the door.” Cora grinned at Sandra and tucked a pencil behind her ear.
“The girls’ uncle. My boss.” Sandra said the words as much for herself as for Cora.
Does a boss stroke your cheek when he says good-night? Does he kiss you like Logan did?
Sandra could feel the heat rising up her neck and warming her cheeks at the very thought of Logan. But fortunately Cora was too busy making some notations on one of the papers scattered in front of her to notice.
“So how long are you going to work for him?”
“He and the girls are going to Calgary tomorrow night.”
“Hey, did you know that Jane is in Calgary now? I saw her. She said hey and gave me her number.” Cora fished in the pocket of her pants and pulled out a card. “If you’re going there you can look her up. I think she’s looking for a roommate.”
Sandra took the card. “I don’t think I’m going to Calgary,” she said. “He found a tutor there.”
Cora pulled a face. “Lousy luck for you, girl. Two jobs lost in one evening.”
Sandra frowned. “What do you mean, two jobs?”
Cora got up and handed Sandra a piece of paper with a scribbled message on it. “I took this phone call earlier today.”
Sandra read it. Quickly at first. Then once again as the words slowly sank in, heavy and hard.
The restaurant that had requested her lamps had changed ownership. The new owner didn’t feel obligated to keep the contract. So he was canceling the order.
Sandra thought of all the materials she had sitting in the little room that served as her workshop. All the money they represented.
The failure this represented. Another job she wouldn’t be able to finish.
She carefully folded the paper, futility washing over her like a wave.
You’re a failure. Nothing but a failure.
The harsh and painful words her father threw at her as she left home echoed through her mind.
He was right.
“So, what are you going to do?” Cora asked.
Sandra ran her finger along the sharp edge of the paper, wishing Cora was gone. Wishing she was alone.
“I don’t know.”
“You thought any more about coming with me?”
Sandra looked across the table at Cora, glanced at the papers she had scattered around her. How many times since she met Cora had she seen the same scenario? Cora full of plans and schemes. None of them successful.
And she was no better, she realized.
You started with a no to your family. That doesn’t take you anywhere, if you don’t know what you are going to say yes to.
Logan’s words sifted through her mind. He was so right. Her decisions had been made as responses, rather than as beginnings.
Please, Lord. Show me what I should do.
The prayer was involuntary, but even as she formulated the words, she knew the answer.
“I’m not going,” she said firmly.
“What?” Cora stood up, shaking her head. “What else are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, but I’m going to figure out my own life.” She wasn’t quite sure how, she just had a feeling that she had to start making normal plans.
With what? Guidance from God?
Maybe.
Sandra endured an instant of pain at the thought of Logan. At the thought of the girls he was trying to raise to be responsible citizens.
Unlike her.
“I’m going to bed,” she told Cora. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Cora held her gaze, as if testing her, then with a casual shrug looked away. “Sure thing.”
It took Sandra no time to wash up, but as she lay in bed alone, sorrow engulfed her. Sorrow and the haunting reality that once again she had to start over.
* * *
Sandra slowed as she came closer to Logan’s cabin. This morning she had almost chickened out and written a note.
But last night she had made a decision to make changes in her life. And one of the changes was to face things head-on instead of running away.
Talking to Logan face to face was part of the deal, she figured.
She had gone over every possibility in her mind. Had tried to reason everything out. But it all came back to the fact that the independent life she thought she had carved out for herself was a sham. The news Cora had given her yesterday only underlined the total failure of her plans.
Of her life. And she knew it wasn’t fair to Logan to pretend that she had anything to offer him.
Sandra took a slow breath, sent up a quick prayer for strength and worked her way up the stairs. She didn’t need the crutches anymore and had decided to bring them to Logan. He knew where they had come from and would probably return them for her.
She raised her hand to knock on the door.
Don’t do it, just leave. He doesn’t have to know. You’ll never see them again.
But she had done enough of that. She knew that she cared too much for him to just walk away. Sandra swallowed a knot of pain that formed in her chest.
Please, Lord, help me get through this.
She knocked on the door, hard. From inside the cabin she heard a flurry of steps and then the twins were at the door, grinning at her with expectation.
“So, you gonna come with us?” Bethany asked.
Sandra smiled at the girls, the knot getting larger. She had truly come to care for these two. Had enjoyed, more than she thought she would, the challenge of teaching them.
“Is your uncle Logan up yet?” she managed to ask, pleased that her voice sounded so normal as she avoided answering Bethany.
“Of course he is.” Brittany’s voice held a note of surprise that Sandra had to ask.
“I thought he might be sleeping in, that’s all.”
Brittany rolled her eyes. “As if. I don’t think he went to bed at all last night.” Then she grinned at Sandra. “But he’s not grumpy. Come in.”
Sandra limped through the door. Now what? she thought. Sit? Stand? How long is it going to take to tell Logan what I’ve decided?
“Hi there.” Logan entered the room, a pencil stuck behind his ear, a smile creasing his unshaven face. His rumpled shirt was tucked into faded blue jeans. His feet were bare. The overall effect was a complete contradiction to the very put-together Logan she knew.
His hazel eyes lit briefly as they held hers, then he glanced at his clothes. “Sorry about this. I was busy most of the night.” He gestured to her. “Come. I want to show you something.”
Against her will, Sandra walked slowly to the room where he worked, the girls trailing behind her.
“Look, I think I got it.” Logan was bent over his drafting table, sorting through the papers there. He pulled one out, turned and handed it to her.
Sandra didn’t look at him, but concentrated fiercely on the heavy paper she held. The house she saw there took her breath away. Elegant yet welcoming. A harmony of windows and angles softened by a large, half-round stained glass window echoed by two smaller ones flanking it. It was a home as well as a statement.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered.
Logan was beside her. Sandra could feel the warmth of his arm as it brushed hers. She felt her eyes begin a dangerous prickling and knew that if she didn’t pull herself together she was going to cry.
“I didn’t get it right until you helped me,” he said quietly, his deep voice beside her creating a circle of intimacy that excluded the girls, who were avidly ignoring the two of them. “I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate it.”
Sandra bit her lip, handing him the paper. “I didn’t do anything, Logan.” She blinked carefully, thankful that no tears escaped. “I just doodled. You’re the one with the talent and the ideas.” She gave him a weak smile, wishing she could tell him and go. Wishing he wouldn’t look at her with those warm hazel eyes that promised so much.
Promised her what she didn’t deserve. She was exactly what he had initially said she was, she thought, looking away. Irresponsible and selfish. She had taken an education from her father, and even though she had tried to send him what money she could spare, it would have barely paid the interest on any loan she would have had to take out. She had this job with Brittany and Bethany thanks to that education.
“Look, I’ve thought about your offer,” she said quickly before she changed her mind. “It’s great, and I’d love to continue working with the girls….” Her voice faltered, and she took a slow breath, wondering how she was going to tell him. “But I’ve got other plans and—” she lifted her shoulder in a faint shrug, chancing a quick look at him “—I don’t think it would work.”
Surprising how thoroughly a face could change expression without moving many muscles, she thought, watching Logan’s features alter from open friendliness to reserved animosity.
The girls cried out, but a quick glance from Logan silenced them. He could do that so easily, Sandra thought. He had much better control over the girls than she ever could hope to. He, who claimed to have no stability in his life, had more than she did. And she, who had been raised by dependable parents and put through school, was rootless and drifting. Each thought dismantled the life she thought she had built for herself.
A life with no foundation, she thought with a throb of sorrow. A selfish life built on sand.
What could she possibly give this man?
“What do you mean, you don’t think it would work?” Logan asked.
This was harder than she had anticipated. Sandra held his angry gaze, and as usual took refuge in humor.
“You know me,” she said lightly. “I’m just here until I can find a really good fast-food job.”
“And that’s your ambition?” Logan shook his head. “I think I know you better than that.”
His unexpected defense almost wore her down. But she knew she had to stay firm. She didn’t deserve Logan. Didn’t deserve the steady, caring person he was.
“Well, you know what they say about ambition. It’s just a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.” She forced another smile, then began walking out the door. She had to go. The longer she stayed, the weaker her resolve.
She knew that something was happening between her and Logan. Intrinsically she knew he wasn’t the flirting type. He had kissed her, had held her, and she had responded to him. He was growing more and more important to her.
And so were those dear, exasperating, sweet girls.
But they all deserved better than what she had to offer.
Brittany and Bethany were beside her, hanging on to her, pleading with her. She stopped, wishing they would leave.
“Sandra.” Logan said her name. Against her better judgment, she turned to him.
He stood facing her, his hands on his hips, chewing on one corner of his mouth. He laughed, a short, bitter sound. “So this is it? You’re just going to walk away? No explanations, no solid reason.”
How much had changed, she thought, unable to hold his angry gaze. “When I took this job on I knew it was only going to be temporary.” She chanced a quick look at him. “And so did you.”
“Yeah. I guess that’s true.” He shook his head, then laughed again. “I owe you for this week yet,” he said. “Let me write you out a check.”
Sandra wanted this to be done but also knew that she would need the money he was going to give her, so she waited.
He yanked open a drawer and pulled out a checkbook. He filled the check in and ripped it out of the book, handing it to her without looking up.
Sandra took it, then Logan held out his hands to the girls. “C’mon, Bethy. Brit. Let Sandra go.”
Sandra watched them walk to Logan’s side. Where they belonged.
Without a look behind her she walked slowly out of the cabin, down the steps and to her home.
She didn’t want to think about him. Didn’t want to wonder what his opinion of her was. He was out of her life, she out of his.
But as she paused by the door of her cabin, her heart a heavy stone in her chest, she knew she would never forget him.