What is the main thing that stops most men from going out, meeting a cute girl, and taking her home on the same night for sex? Here are a few clues:
The main thing that stops men from getting laid with greater ease and efficiency is themselves .
Yes, you read right.
Men who are otherwise attractive to women and who should be pulling all the time constantly trip themselves up in the field. How?
They let their egos get in the way.
I want to let you in on a secret that has been the cornerstone of my game for nearly a decade. If you were to apply this perfectly (and trust me, no one can), I guarantee you would see you results with women increase exponentially:
The more you kill your ego, the more sex you will get.
Sounds simple on the surface? Actually, it needs a little unpacking. After all, aren’t we always told that self-improvement is the key to game? That getting your style sorted and your finances in good shape, and going to the the gym and developing high self-esteem and being “high value” are all an essential part of being attractive to women? And that arrogance and other so-called “dark triad” traits are key to exciting young women?
Yes, it’s all true. To be truly successful with women, you need to cultivate a duel operating system of both high self-esteem and rock-bottom ego.
Self-esteem is about acknowledging and being proud of your accomplishments and of the accomplishments you are working hard to achieve. Ego, on the other hand, is that kind of hollow, baseless pride that people puff themselves up with—think, for example, of a hot girl who dropped out of college but who has 100k Instagram followers. The first is healthy. The second will not service you in the long term.
What do I mean? Let me give you an example. Perhaps you’re walking down the street and a beautiful, tall, slender girl with long, luscious hair and a short skirt comes towards you. She is really sexy—exactly your type. What do you do?
If you are a beginner, you will probably do nothing. After all, she’s really hot, but you’re afraid to approach for fear that if she rejects you you’ll be crushed.
If you are an experienced guy with a number of high-quality notches under your belt, you may still do nothing. Why? Because you’re afraid that if you approach and she rejects you, your status as a “player” will be compromised, in your own head at least.
In this way, both inexperienced and experienced men lose out. New guys aren’t successful enough to arm themselves with the confidence to act. They feel, understandably, that if they approach a woman she is likely to react badly, and that this will hurt. In practice, they might well be right, but what do they have to lose?
At the root, their real reason for not approaching is about protecting their egos. After all, it’s far, far easier to make excuses, not do something, and then fantasize about how you could have succeeded than put yourself on the line and risk failure.
It’s almost worse in the case of experienced men. Those who have learned game, particularly those who are involved with the manosphere or PUA communities in some way, perhaps through commenting on forums or websites or writing blogs or even books on pickup, tend to become strongly personally invested in the idea of being master pickup artists.
Think about it for a second. If your whole personality is based on the belief that you are “good with girls,” you will do anything you can to maintain that belief because if you fail you will have to rethink your whole persona.
In essence, both men are sabotaging themselves. Why? Because the more women you approach, the more likely you are to end up having sex. I’m not saying that it’s entirely a numbers game—there are definitely things you can do to improve the quality of your approach—but in the end, you still have to rack up the numbers. There are no shortcuts. That’s why the successful man approaches all the time.
All of us need to do one thing right now: extinguish for good the voice of that smooth player in our minds smirking at our fumbled approaches, our poor eye contact, and those awkward conversations that happen when we are tired. These things happen to everyone.
One of the difficulties in learning game is that those who teach it don’t talk much about rejection, or if they do, it is as a footnote to far more impressive tales of one-night stands and threesomes pulled straight out of the club. I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. Successful pulls, the more impressive the better, are the meat and drink of online forums and YouTube videos.
Understand this, though, that no one is successful on every approach. The reason that professional pickup artists appear more consistently successful than average is simply because they all have a system that complements their personality, and they all approach a great number of women.
Forget perfectly executed pickups, forget witty, note-perfect conversations, forget seamless escalation. Forget what you read on the Internet and are scared to emulate in case you fall short. Understand that pickup is messy and unpredictable for one simple reason. It is about interacting with random strangers whom you know nothing about to say nothing of the myriad variables created by your own constantly changing state. It’s like this for everybody. No one is perfect, so kill the specter of James Bond that sits on your shoulder and judges you every time you speak to a girl.
Whether experienced or not, men need to be easier on themselves. Realize that in the end game is simply initiating contact and then pushing forward through a predetermined sequence to sex—escalation, in other words.
Leaving escalation aside, let’s concentrate on the first stage. Your job as a man is simply to initiate contact with women. To be successful, you need to do this with as many women as possible. There’s a dirty secret in pickup: the men who get the most sex are also the men who are rejected the most.
Rejection isn’t a catastrophe. In fact, if you are opening women all the time, every day, in time you will barely notice it. Remember that all you need do is initiate contact, which could be as straightforward as saying hello in a coffee shop. Wait and see how she reacts. If she blanks you, move on. Nothing has been lost, and thousands of friendlier girls are available.
If she is warm and friendly, great. Chat with her and try to escalate, either by taking her on an instant date or by getting her number and then gaming her through text for a subsequent meeting.
It really is that simple. Never feel that you have to do anything flashy to get women. You don’t. If you put yourself in enough social situations, you will see in time that you can succeed even with the lamest “game.”
Below are six practical steps for killing James Bond and approaching more girls:
1. Have a very clear idea of what is fantastic about you.
Wherever you are in your life, there will be things about you that are amazing. You need to remind yourself of them on a daily basis. For example, perhaps you run 10k every day. Perhaps you work for an hour on your online business every morning. Perhaps you meditate or designate a certain amount of time for challenging reading. Perhaps you are losing weight and shifting a couple of pounds a week. Write down a list of great things about you, pin them up somewhere where you can see them, and read them out loud every morning before you go out. Begin each one with “I am fantastic because . . .”
2. Put a smile on your face
It’s an old self-help trick, but it works very well. However you are feeling, when you leave the house, fix a big smile on your face. Do it so that your cheeks hurt. For the first few minutes, it will feel odd, but after a while you’ll feel yourself relaxing into it, and the smile will become genuine. You will also notice people around you responding more positively to you, and as you feel more positive in turn, those who don’t won’t phase you.
3. Approach all the time
Guys, girls—old or young—it doesn’t matter. Talk to everyone. Have mini conversations with shopkeepers, people on the street, cops, cleaners, whoever. Become “that guy” who is social with everyone. Not only will this get you warmed up and used to social interactions, but it will also mean that when you come to talk to an attractive girl it won’t seem so important. Your sense of abundance will grow exponentially when you realise just how many friendly people are around. Some of the most successful men I know do this every day. You should too.
4. Turn the Dial Down on Your Expectations
When you approach a cute woman, don’t expect too much. You have reframed. You are no longer a supercool, master PUA. You are not James Bond. You are simply a social guy who loves to talk to people. If she’s not down for that, fine. Someone else will be waiting just around the corner. If she is receptive, great. Try escalating and see where it goes. Just don’t feel you need to live up to some self-imposed standard of pickup mastery that has no basis in reality.
5. Congratulate Yourself on Small Achievements
Imagine you go up to the hottest girl in the nightclub and say hi, and she tells you to fuck off. Great! Congratulate yourself. You have just done something that the vast majority of other men would never ever have the courage to do. OK, so it went badly. Perhaps there is something you can learn, some adjustments that you can make, but overall think well of yourself, as you are taking action and working towards a goal. Smile, pat yourself on the back, and move on to the next girl.
6. Realize You Have Nothing to Lose by Approaching
In the vast majority of cases, an interaction that isn’t going to go anywhere is over very quickly. Perhaps you approach a girl and she tells you she has a boyfriend or that she’s not interested. Fine. Now you can move on. You have lost nothing except a few seconds of your time.
Realise, though, that the opportunity cost of not approaching can be significant. I have approached girls who haven’t so much as looked at me, let alone given me positive signals, and ended up having sex or relationships with them. It happens every day.
So the next time you’re out and you’re afraid to approach for fear of denting your ego, remember that you simply never know what’s going to happen when you walk up, and believe me when I tell you that the rewards can be great.