A sure way for men to fail at opportunities in life, business, and with women is deciding on a course of action but not following through with sufficient commitment. This is something you should avoid if you want “deep” experiences that transcend the superficial. Whenever you do anything, you should give it all you’ve got in that moment to ensure that you live as a man in the most visceral, meaningful way possible.
Last summer I travelled to the south of France to see a good friend of mine get married. This man is more than aware of the concerns that many men have about marriage. He is not naive and is fully cognizant of the pitfalls that can befall the unwary. He has also been very successful both in business and with girls.
Nevertheless, at the apex of his player days five years ago, he met a girl who had all the characteristics he desired in a long-term partner—good looks, of course, but also a sweet, feminine nature as well as traditional values and the desire to raise a family. Wanting children himself he proposed, and they hired a beautiful chateau in the French countryside to tie the knot.
The ceremony was attended by his player friends from NYC as well as a great many high net worth individuals from Europe and the U.S. Throughout, dressed in a snappy velvet designer suit, my friend was ebullient and played the role of the dashing bridegroom with complete conviction.
When we talked about it afterwards, he had something interesting to say.
“It’s not that I don’t have my doubts about marriage, Troy. Of course I do, but I want a family, and I’ve chosen to stick with this girl. Now, things may not turn out the way I want them to, sure, but you saw me up there making my speech. I committed 100%. Even if you think that doubts may arise in the future, to get the most out of life you should own everything you do entirely. If you change your mind somewhere down the line afterwards, at least in that moment you’ve experienced whatever it was on a deep level.”
I am only using my friend’s wedding as an example, but I think the point holds good. If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it like you mean it. You’ll get more out of the experience than if you just go through the motions.
If you want to be a player, be a player. Go out as often as you can and interact with as many girls as possible. If you like a girl and you get into a relationship with her, have fun being her boyfriend, and don’t get hung up on whether or not walking around theme parks hand-in-hand wearing matching sweaters is “alpha.” If you want to start a business, take a deep breath, commit, and give it everything you’ve got.
In each of these scenarios, you should keep giving all you’ve got until such time as you change your mind and decide to take another course or until the situation for whatever reason becomes unworkable (e.g., your business goes bust or things turn sour with your girl).
This philosophy also holds good in game and in particular when you first approach. I was recently talking to a coaching client who has had difficulty meeting women for most of his life. He told me that he normally approaches with an indirect opener, such as “Can you tell me where the nearest Starbucks is,” and if he senses any interest on her part, attempts to transition to a longer conversation. Unfortunately, he has had little traction with this method up to now.
While I have no issue with indirect openers per se and have used them successfully many times in the past myself, my impression was that this man wasn’t committed enough to his approaches and was “letting himself off the hook.”
Men (and women) generally want to avoid rejection, as it can be painful and humiliating. One way of mitigating its sting is by pretending to ourselves and to others that we weren’t really that bothered in the first place.
Say you approach a girl, appear as though you’re not interested, and she turns you down? Not important, right? You didn’t care anyway.
The problem with this strategy is that you don’t generally get a reward without some risk. The romantic gestures that get girls excited tend to be those where the man has put himself on the line. In simple terms, this means that it is much more impressive—because it takes more courage—to walk up to a girl in a crowded cafe, look her in the eye, and tell her that you think she is hot than to ask her where the soya milk is in the supermarket in the hope of this leading to something more exciting.
Whether you go direct or indirect then, make sure that you walk up to the girl with intent and that you communicate your masculinity (in contrast to her femininity) through every aspect of your being from the way you carry yourself (shoulders back, taking up a lot of space, walking like a CEO) to strong eye contact, a deep voice, and slow speech. The overall effect should be to make it obvious that regardless of what is coming out of your mouth you want to have sex with her.
When faced with a confident man who sexually desires her, a girl is either going to accept or reject him. So be it. Don’t be tempted to do it halfway to let yourself off the hook. Make your interest plain, either through what you say or with your body, and let her decide.
You may think that by not committing 100% to the approach you will make things a little easier on yourself. Perhaps you’re right, but you will also reduce your chances of getting that girl. So go to it, lay yourself on the line, and let the chips fall where they may.
Life is often characterized by uncertainty, and it can often be difficult to know whether or not we’ve made the right decision. Should you leave the company you work for? Should you take that new job? Should you move to Eastern Europe? Should you start your own business or form a relationship with that particular girl? In each of these cases, there are too many unforeseen variables to calculate which call is the “right” one.
Instead of worrying, though, it is far better to embark on a course of action and proceed with 100% commitment as though you are absolutely certain that what you are doing is right. You should always take advice, but beyond that, by committing to something entirely, you will enjoy a far greater depth of experience than you would by simply dipping your toe into the water without taking the plunge.
And remember that nothing is forever. If things don’t work out, you can always change tack down the line.