A friend of mine called James recently asked me for some advice about a girl he likes, his housemate. Maria—let’s call her that—is certainly very attractive, judging by the photographs he has showed me, and by all accounts is pretty fond of him. Apparently, they spend a lot of time talking, and she complains frequently to him about the errant behaviour of her boyfriend.
One night she came home from a club a little tipsy and started dancing sexily in the kitchen for him and on another occasion came downstairs from her bedroom modelling the T-shirt he’d bought her for a Christmas present in just a tiny pair of shorts. James is certain that she is at least a little attracted to him.
He wants to sleep with her, but he is also concerned not to spoil their friendship, particularly as they live together, and the fallout from any overt move he makes could at best be embarrassing and at worst could make their living situation untenable.
What to advise here? If at all possible, you should avoid getting into such a situation in the first place. It has been said that whenever you find yourself asking someone for guidance over what to do about one “special” girl, you have already lost her. The reason is that you have already pedestalised her to an unhealthy degree without having made your move.
In all likelihood, your opportunity, such as it was in the first place, has now been lost, and you are languishing in the mists and fogs of the friend zone, trying to navigate its malodorous and septic seas with little hope of rescue. In the case of Maria, the situation is even worse, given that she has a boyfriend (albeit a recent one who is based in another country).
To get a girl when you are on the back foot is almost impossible in itself. To do so when her loyalties lie elsewhere, however tentatively, would be little short of miraculous.
All of that said, James has been getting IOIs from Maria and wants to know what to do. Should he play hard to get and ignore her for a while? Should he play the long game by continuing with his current strategy of under-the-radar flirting and hope for the best? My advice to him is simple. The only option is to escalate while gaming other girls.
The only hope in a situation like this is to sexualize the interaction to a degree where the girl is obliged either to fold into your frame and proceed with a sexual relationship or to express her disinterest by rejecting you. Meanwhile, you should be constantly approaching other women to establish warm leads and to engender a sense of sexual abundance that will make you more immune to your target’s potential rejection.
If you have options, she will sense it, and this will trigger in her a sense of dread. She will realize that she might lose you, and this will make you more attractive to her.
There is an old saying in game that is helpful to remember here. “Make the ho say no.” Situations like the one between James and Maria crop up all the time. A man will come into contact with a girl he likes perhaps through his social circle, at college, or at work, and they will hit it off. The girl will laugh at his jokes and enjoy spending time with him, and they will become friends.
The girl, perhaps intuiting the guy’s underlying desire for a more sexually satisfying communion, will often throw out enough flirtatious crumbs to give him hope that “something” may happen at some unspecified future point. The guy, picking up on this and not wanting to scare her off by making a sexual advance, falls into her timetable and decides to wait it out.
This is fatal.
Such a situation works very well for the girl, who experiences the warm validation of an attentive friend. Unfortunately, it works less well for the guy, who will inevitably become more frustrated the more time that passes and his desires remain unsatisfied. This strategy is a one-way path down the tributary that leads directly to the friend zone.
What you should aim to do instead is to make the sexual subtext of your interaction explicit as early as possible in each case—from the first meeting if possible (although this can be more difficult if, say, your girl is from your social circle or is a work colleague). Nevertheless, you must make your interest known boldly, unapologetically, and quickly. Remember that fortune favours the brave. Put yourself on the line even though it will feel intimidating if you’re new at it. You’re more likely to get the result you want.
You know the real reason that guys don’t always do this? It’s because they would rather coast on the validation they are already getting from the girl they’re interested in. We’ve all done it. A hot girl likes you and is prepared to hang out with you on breaks or over lunch. By not letting her know you’re interested, you can both retain the pleasant feelings that go along with hanging out while you overdose on the fantasy of what could happen.
Understand this, though, that both pleasant feelings of validation and fantasy are worthless in the binary world of pickup where there are only two outcomes. You either get the girl or you don’t. She is in no hurry to up the ante. You should be. It’s your job.
The next time you’re hanging out with that girl that you’ve secretly liked for ages take her hand, look her straight in the eye, and tell her you think she’s really cute. Just do it, and see what happens. She might well pull her hand away, look embarrassed, and start mumbling something about how she sees you more as a friend. Good. Now you’ve got your answer, and you can cross her off the list and move on to other prospects.
Alternatively, she might just be swayed by your boldness and express her mutual interest. You will never know until you try. Either way, if you have been gaming other girls, which you should have been, her response will in any case be robbed of the import it might otherwise have had.
Hope—false hope—is one of the worst states imaginable for a man. Do everything you can to avoid it. Be decisive. When you like a girl, take action quickly. Be flirtatious, witty, and let her know how you feel. Do not get into some long, drawn-out courtship that will likely not pay a dividend anyway.
Remember that she could, if she wanted to, have sex with you within five minutes of meeting you. Girls do it all the time. It is a fallacy to suppose that she needs months of “warming up” before intimacy is possible. I’m not saying that you should demand sex on the first meeting, but some degree of reciprocity is more than possible.
Take your shot, and let the chips fall where they may. If she rejects you, smile politely and move on. Above all, don’t be afraid that if you make your move you will lose her.
If that happens, you never really had her in the first place.