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Matt
Matt needed to forget their kiss. Not because he hadn’t enjoyed it—nothing could be further from the truth. But because he’d known, as soon as his lips left hers, that it was a mistake. The shocked and worried look he’d seen on Maddy’s face had told him that much. He was a fool, letting his attraction get the better of him. What had he expected? That such a gorgeous, vibrant young woman would just throw herself at him, as damaged and worn as he was?
Thankfully, she hadn’t seemed as affected by it as he was, and the next time he saw her, she’d acted like it had never happened. That bruised his ego, but it was the smart thing to do. They were friends, and he shouldn’t have overstepped. So Matt went along with that, and pushed it out of his mind—or tried to—as he started to settle back into life in Pittsburgh.
But he was not having a great first week back with the Renegades in Pittsburgh. His shoulder was a wreck, and with Maddy still in Wilkes-Barre, there was no one to loosen him up. And that thought only reminded him again of the kiss he couldn’t forget, as he drifted off to sleep for the last time in the house he’d shared with his ex-wife.
Shaken out of a dead sleep, Matt woke up startled and anxious. Sweat dripped down his face, and his heart raced. In his dazed state, he reached to Lindsay’s side of the bed, but the bed was empty. His subconscious was playing wicked games with him tonight. His ex-wife hadn’t slept in this bed since the day she left. That was over a year ago. And that was the day he seemed to live repeatedly in his nightmares.
Matt had been at the bar, like so many other nights after a game. Too intoxicated to drive his own car, he’d had to grab a taxi home. After fumbling with his keys and dropping them a few times, he finally unlocked their front door and stumbled into their home. The house was quiet and dark; Lindsay must’ve already been in bed.
Pausing at the bottom of the stairwell, all he could hear was deafening silence.
This wasn’t the first time he’d gone drinking after a game. Nights like this had become more and more frequent, but Matt didn’t want to think about all the reasons why he avoided going straight home to Lindsay lately. Instead, he tried to think back on their early days together, before things had gone sour. As he took a few steps up the carpeted stairs, his eyes landed on a framed photo of their wedding day on the wall. That happy, victorious smile on Lindsay’s face was now, more often than not, a sneer in his direction. His heart squeezed painfully at the realization. It was more obvious to him than ever that the love they once shared was gone.
He glanced back at the living room. Nothing had seemed out of the ordinary, but a weird feeling sat like a rock in his gut. He’d surely get hell for staying out so late again. But that wasn’t why he felt like something was off.
When he reached their bedroom, his fears were realized. Lindsay was gone. The closet was wide open and her side empty, drawers left pulled out and cleared out, everything that was hers—gone.
He should’ve seen it coming. But then, if he were honest with himself, he had known for quite some time. The last few months she’d been short with him, disdainful toward him when they were together, if she was even home at all. Their relationship had been over long before now.
The divorce came quickly after that.
Matt rolled onto his back and rubbed a rough hand over his shaved head. At least the nightmares weren’t so frequent anymore. He looked over at the clock and groaned when he saw it was three in the morning. His head was heavy, still spinning from too many beers, and his shoulder ached from the game tonight. His heart rate slowed as he begged for sleep.
But sleeping wasn’t so easy of late. The game he loved had been on his mind these last few weeks. He’d been working with the Renegades’ minor team in Wilkes-Barre since November, rehabbing and trying to get back into game shape. Wilkes-Barre was about four to five hours east of Pittsburgh, and the home of the Wilkes-Barre Falcons. A lot of the Renegades started their professional careers with the Falcons.
He didn’t mind being sent “down” to the Falcons, as players referred to it. At least there, he got ice time each and every game. He didn’t hurt while he was playing there. Maybe it was adrenaline, or maybe it was all in his head.
Matt had been suffering through some injuries over the last year, as well as low performance. Not that as an enforcer they expected much out of him. He wasn’t a goal scorer, and he wasn’t fast. He was simply muscle. An enforcer. A fighter.
But even at that, he was underperforming, according to the Pittsburgh bigwigs. Riding the bench as a “healthy scratch” wasn’t helping. That led to his being sent down to the minor league to get some ice time that he wasn’t going to see in Pittsburgh.
His body wasn’t responding to the hard activity the way it used to in his younger days. The aches and pains lingered longer, and he didn’t bounce back from the hits as fast. Regardless, the Wilkes-Barre Falcons were satisfied with his performance, and decided he was ready to return to Pittsburgh. Matt wished he could be as sure of himself. Being with the Falcons had been a safety net for Matt. He still had a job. Pittsburgh may not be so kind to him, if he couldn’t step up his performance.
He looked around the stripped-down room that had boxes piled up in every corner. During the divorce proceedings, Lindsay gloated as if she were showing him an act of charity by delaying the sale of the house. She let him keep his truck, but all of his other assets were split down the middle, including everything he’d earned before meeting her. He knew he had his faults, that he wasn’t always easy to live with, and although he’d tried in his clumsy way, somehow his efforts had always fallen short of pleasing her. He’d hoped that Lindsay would be satisfied with all he could provide for her, but in the end, he had sat helpless, while she broke his heart, damaged his ability to let anyone get close to him, and still came out of it with half of his hard-earned money.
His lawyer had handled the sale of the house while he was staying in Wilkes-Barre. Court mandated or not, Matt couldn’t live here anymore, in the house that he and Lindsay had shared together. She was a painful memory that he needed to leave in his past, and he hadn’t realized how much he needed out of this house until it sold.
The house was the last thing that was theirs as a couple. His agent had suggested that once it was sold, maybe Matt would be able to climb out of his funk. But Matt knew things weren’t that simple. As run down as he felt, the aches and pains dictated more of his life than they used to. He wasn’t sure this was a fresh start as much as the beginning of a new phase of his life.
And that scared him, and if he thought about it too much, it sent a cold dagger of fear into his heart. Moving on was one thing. Retirement was another. He wasn’t ready for it, and sure as hell didn’t welcome the change that lay in his near future.
When he rolled onto his side, Matt’s shoulder screamed and his hip ached. He closed his eyes and tried to get some more rest before morning. The team had practice early, and then the guys were coming over to help him move. It was time for him to put this stage of his life behind him. The sooner he got out of here the better.
MATT LOOKED AROUND the almost empty house. He pulled at his shoulder, trying to stretch it out, but to no avail. He’d taken a bump into the boards this morning, courtesy of one of the newer guys, Harrison Dash. Dash had just been following through on the play and doing his job by protecting the net and going after the puck. It just so happened that he had run Matt into the boards in the process. Matt’s shoulder was still aching, and lifting all these boxes wasn’t helping, but at least the activity kept him from wallowing in regrets.
Matt was not a complainer, and he was no quitter. He couldn’t even count the number of times he’d played through the pain, and real life was no different. He lifted a box from the living room floor, carried it out the front door, and down the porch steps.
“Yo, Matt!” Tyler Kidd called from the back of the moving truck. Tyler, the Renegades captain, was one of Matt’s best friends. “Bro, give me that box.”
Tyler snatched the heavy box from Matt’s hands and loaded it into the truck himself. Although younger than Matt by five years, Tyler was well aware of the physical struggles that Matt had been dealing with.
“Ty, I can carry it, you know. I might be older than you, but I’m not dead yet.”
“No one’s saying you are,” Ty called over his shoulder. “But I know that Harrison’s hit irritated your shoulder. And don’t try to BS your way out of it, because I know you better than that. Dude, take a breather, okay? Sit down and supervise for a few minutes. Let us do all the work for a while.”
Matt knew Tyler was being a good friend, but it just pissed him off. I’m not old, and I’m not going to sit and supervise. He shook his head and smiled as he gritted his teeth. “Ty, I’m good.”
“Hey, cut it out, you two,” Kris called. “I’m not breaking up any fist fights or pissing contests so Matt can prove he’s just as good as you are, Ty.” He turned to Matt and nodded his head toward the house. “Matt, you better go check on the kitchen. Harrison is more worried about moving cold beverages than getting boxes out to the truck.”
Kris Lafleur, Matt’s other best friend, was the star defenseman on the Renegades. Tyler may not have been as sensitive to Matt’s age worries as Kris was, but they had both stayed by his side when things got bad with Lindsay. And Matt wasn’t really mad at Tyler; he was madder at himself. His own body seemed to be turning on him. He wasn’t ready to hang up his skates just yet. He was thirty-two, but plenty of guys older than him were still playing.
Tyler shook Matt out of his thoughts when his hand clapped down on Matt’s shoulder. “Bro, you know I’m just teasing you. The dirty thirty ain’t nothing to worry about. But if Harrison is raiding the beer cooler, you better go stop that shit. I’m saving a cold one for when you’re all moved in and I can relax.”
“Don’t worry, Ty. The fridge at the new house is stocked and ready for you guys. But only after we get the truck unloaded,” Matt said. He loved these guys like brothers, even if Harrison Dash was being groomed to take over his job. “And if hotshot Harrison can’t pull his weight, all he gets is milk.”
Tyler was apparently appeased, and gave Matt a thumbs-up before grabbing another box out of the living room and moving it to the truck.
Taking Kris’s advice, Matt made his way to the kitchen, where Harrison Dash, one of the younger guys on the team, and specifically the man who would eventually take his place, stood leaning against the empty counter top, downing a beer.
“Harrison, are you here to help me move or what?” Matt asked.
“Absolutely, J-man!” Harrison nodded from his place at the counter.
“Then why does it look like you’re only here to drink my beer?” Matt jokingly grabbed the beer out of Harrison’s hand. Then to add insult to injury, Matt teased, “How old are you, anyway?”
“Dude! Not cool!” Harrison whined. “I’m legal, and I didn’t know you were carding.”
“You can have it back once you finish moving all the boxes to the truck.” Matt mockingly scolded the youngster like a child. He set the beer bottle on top of the fridge.
“Dude, you realize I can reach that, right?” Harrison shook his head as he took the beer back off the fridge.
“Whatever. Just get the boxes in the truck. I only have the truck for a few more hours.” Matt followed Harrison out into the living room.
Looking around the room, he was saddened to see there weren’t nearly as many boxes as there should be for having boxed up his entire life. It was kind of pathetic. For a while there had been a room full of boxed things that he and Lindsay agreed neither wanted, and things they couldn’t agree about which one deserved to keep. Before the sale of the house, their lawyers sold those things off, and the profits were split, along with the sale of the house.
“Is this all of it?” Harrison asked, as he picked up a single box.
“Yeah, Lindsay moved her stuff out not long after she left.” He remembered coming home from an away trip with the team, and all her stuff was gone. It was better that way, a clean break, so she’d said. “I never realized how messy it all would be.”
Matt saw the look between Kris and Harrison. Kris knew enough about Matt’s situation, and the look he threw to Harrison told the younger guy to keep his comments to himself.
Harrison mumbled, “Sorry,” and hurried out to the truck.
Matt didn’t need Harrison’s words to remind him.
“Matt, you know she wasn’t the one for you, right?” Kris always was the voice of reason.
Kris was right. Lindsay wasn’t the one for him. He thought they’d been happy in the beginning, but over the span of their relationship, she had grown to really like the money he made, and she helped herself to it often. It had all gone downhill so quickly, he thought. But as he looked back, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it.
They used to go out and have a good time, drinking together socially. But after a while, she stopped going along with him. Then later, he was caught up dealing with a lot of physical pain, and most nights he didn’t even know where she ran off to. All he knew was she couldn’t stand to sit around while he nursed his injuries.
By that stage, his drinking had become a bad habit. Sure, he’d turned to booze, but she had stopped being there for him. Then the rumors started to swirl through the league, rumors about what Lindsay was doing when she wasn’t at home. That only fueled the fire and pushed him farther into the bottle.
He’d screwed up; he never challenged that. But the bottom line was, at some point, she had fallen out of love with him, and there was nothing he could do about that. They were destined for a breakup from the beginning.
Lindsay’s name never came up again. Not that the guys brought her name up often. They might not know the extent of how badly he’d been hurt by Lindsay, but Matt was their teammate, and they stuck by his side, no matter what. That was more than he could say for his ex.
Not having much stuff left after she had rummaged through it all, Matt’s move to his new place was quick, and soon all the guys had left. He sat alone in his new solitude.
Picking up his cell phone, he dialed Maddy’s number. He didn’t give too much thought as to why she was his first thought. She was fun to be around, like a breath of fresh air in his stale life, and he needed that right now. It was a bonus that she’d become such a good friend. Despite the fact that she was a lot younger than him, Maddy was mature and easy to talk to. Plus, she didn’t let him get away with his usual shit, and today of all days, he needed her to kick him out of his gloomy mood.
But his call just went to voicemail. Clearing his throat and trying not to sound as down as he felt, he left a quick message. “Hey, sugar. Just wanted to let you know I’m all moved in. Once you’re back in town, we’ll have to order a pizza and have another movie night. Okay, call me later.”
Looking around the quiet, lonely, new house, Matt took a few deep breaths before opening a beer and sitting back in his recliner. He never meant for it to come to this, but then again, who really expected their life to crumble the way his had?
Yet here he was, thirty-two years old and alone, starting over. This was his new reality, and it was as good as it was going to get. Along with a new house, he had a new, single life.