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Madison
Madison scooped some wet cat food into Mr. Whiskers’s bowl and gave him fresh water to drink. She cleaned the kitchen and living room, as Matt sat on her mind. Tonight was Bryan’s bachelor party. As much as she hated alcohol and didn’t care for him hanging around a strip club, Matt was allowed to have fun. She trusted him enough about his being at the Cat House to not be one of those controlling women.
Plus, she wasn’t his wife, or his “keeper.” She needed to respect that he could go out and have fun with the guys without it being a big deal.
That was a phrase she hadn’t said about a man until she met Matt. She trusted him. She had never truly trusted Justin, and that should’ve been a sign to her. But Matt was different. Just thinking about Matt put a smile on her face. He was exactly like Kat described: a big teddy bear. The thought of him was enough to calm her nerves and cuddle up on the couch with a book until she had to go pick him up.
Obviously, guys drank at a bachelor party, and the fact that he had asked her to pick him up showed how much he had grown. Having a plan was much better than her being awakened by a call from the bar asking her to come pick him up. That had happened way too many times with Justin. It was a shame that, looking back now, she could see all the warning signs with her ex. If she would have paid more attention to them, she could have avoided the shit that happened at the end of their relationship. Maybe she wouldn’t have had a beer bottle chucked at her head, and maybe she wouldn’t have such anxiety about drinking.
It took a lot of strength to constantly remind herself that Matt wasn’t Justin. But over the last few weeks, Matt had proven himself enough to help her move past those thoughts. Now if he had one beer, she was dealing with that without overreacting. And she owed her own growth to him. In a way, they made each other better.
Madison walked into the club at one o’clock on the dot. She was surprised he hadn’t planned on staying longer, but then again, maybe if he hadn’t drunk too much, they could have some quiet time together. A smile crept across her lips, and her heart warmed at the thought of him, as she made her way through the sea of people. The music was loud, and the bass reverberated in her chest, as she tried not to make eye contact with any of the scantily-clad women. She heard Bryan’s voice and turned, looking for the wonderful man whom she’d never intended to fall for.
But what she saw was Matt’s fist connecting with another man’s face. It was as if it were happening in slow motion. It only took one hit to give the guy a bloody nose, and the second knocked the guy to the floor. Maddy felt just as shocked as the guy on the other end of Matt’s rage looked.
Madison tried to speak, but nothing came out, as she stood and watched. Matt shook his hand as if he’d hurt his knuckles punching that person, and then he took a long sip of beer. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes, as so many bad memories flashed through her mind. It was as if she were reliving those fearful moments with Justin.
Her heart beat faster, and terror filled her being. She tried to tell herself that those memories had nothing to do with Matt, but all she could see was Justin and the many fights he’d gotten into when he was drunk, and that very last one when he had turned that anger on her.
Her ears echoed with the phantom sounds of Justin’s fist hitting the wall right beside her ear. Madison jumped at the memory of her ex-boyfriend’s fist coming at her head, at the same time Matt called her name.
“Maddy, hey. I didn’t see you there, sugar. You ready to go?” Matt said with a smile. He moved closer and tried to slide his arm around her waist as if nothing had happened.
The smell of beer on his breath was overpowering, and she was still shaking at the memories that just bombarded her. Seeing Matt react with such aggression had brought back all of those memories and fears that she had kept deeply hidden.
Matt reached for her arm. “Hey, sugar. Everything okay?”
Madison instinctively pulled away. She was trembling as she shook him off. It was like being trapped in a dream, but she was obviously awake. She knew it was Matt who was talking to her, but her brain saw Justin. “Don’t.” Maddy turned on her heel and hurried to the exit.
“Maddy?” Matt called, as he ran after her. “Wait up!”
It was the beginning of May and no longer cold outside at night, but she shivered the entire way to her car. As if she were on autopilot, she started the car without waiting for Matt. She had her foot on the brake, and was putting the car into drive, when Matt pulled open the door and jumped in.
“Maddy, what is going on? Were you not even going to wait for me?” She wouldn’t turn to look at him but could sense he was staring at her. “Madison, look at me.”
This man she thought she knew so well had just proved her wrong, dead wrong.
He tried to talk to her on the drive home, but she still couldn’t form the words to speak. Eventually, because she wasn’t answering, he gave up trying to talk to her and simply sat back, looking defeated.
When she pulled up to his house, she turned off the engine and sat trying to arrange her thoughts. But instead, words just came flying out. “Get out.”
“Excuse me?” The surprise on Matt’s face cut her even deeper. He had no idea what he had done. “Maddy? What is—”
“I thought I could trust you with my heart, and I was wrong, so wrong.” She shook her head frantically. Her whole body was trembling, and she thought she might throw up. Every time she shut her eyes, she saw Justin coming at her. “I obviously didn’t know you as much as I thought I did. I thought you were different.”
“Different than what? Maddy?”
“Different than every other drunk!”
“What? Woah! You knew there would be drinking. And strippers, you knew that.”
I also knew better than to trust someone with my heart and look how that turned out. And, yes, she knew about the drinking. But drinking and what she had walked in on were two different things completely.
“Get out,” she said, more forcefully this time.
“Why won’t you tell me what’s gotten into you?” Matt begged.
“I don’t want to tell you what’s gotten into me. Just. Get. Out!” Everything about him right now reminded her of Justin, especially his smell. It took her right back to those days, and the more she had to smell it, the more she wanted to throw up.
“What the hell is your problem?” Matt asked with snark, then he cleared his throat and more calmly stated, “Maddy, just talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk. I just want you to get out. Is that clear enough? Or is the alcohol impairing your comprehension? Do I need to speak in smaller words?” She was just being rude now, but if he was going to act like a drunk, she would treat him like one.
Matt paused before plainly saying, “No.” Judging by the way he pulled back in his seat, she knew she had gone too far. But she wasn’t thinking straight, and the person she was spouting off at wasn’t really there.
Her brain was going mile a minute, and Madison was trying to keep up. “I walk in, and find you like...that.” Her words made perfect sense in her brain, not so much when spoken out loud though Matt had improved so much these last few months, but tonight, hurt her deeper than she expected.
“But Maddy. You knew I’d be drinking tonight. That’s why I asked you to pick me up. We talked about this, and I have no idea why you’re so upset, or what I did to piss you off so much. Was it the strippers? Because you knew we were going to The Cat House.”
“Please get out of my car.” Her words were calm, but short. She clutched the steering wheel to stop her hands from violently shaking.
“Maddy, wait,” Matt begged. “I thought things were going great between us, and you even said one beer never bothered you. Maddy, look at me! I think we should talk about this.”
His voice was like fingernails on a chalkboard in her brain. Closing her eyes, all she could see was him punching that guy at the club. It replayed over and over in her mind, each time making her want to be sick.
“C’mon, sugar. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but—”
“But what? You were in there—” she started. “You— And...” She had so much she wanted to say, but nothing would form into a viable sentence. Her body trembled with anger and fear. “I-I can’t deal with this right now.”
“Maddy? Look at me. What did I do? I might be a bit foggy, but I’m sure I didn’t do anything in there to require this.”
Her face burned, and her head pounded. Fear had taken over, she couldn’t even look at him at this point. Her body trembled, and she couldn’t control it, as her mind replayed that moment even once her eyes were open. The anger in his eyes. The way he hit that man without any remorse. It was all too much. Matt’s actions triggered some evil memories, and she was lost in those fears.
Madison sat staring straight ahead, shaking her head, over and over. She knew Matt was the man sitting next to her, but her brain saw someone she didn’t recognize. “I can’t do this.”
Now Matt was shaking his head, his face scrunched up in confusion. “Can’t do what? Do you mean us? Is that what we’re talking about? You knew we’d be drinking tonight. It was Bryan’s bachelor party, for fuck’s sake!”
And then her fear turned to defensiveness and anger. “You shouldn’t need me to tell you that it’s past time you got your shit together! What I saw in there... it wasn’t the Matt that I thought I knew. And to be honest, what I saw wasn’t someone I want to spend my time with. I did that once. The fear never really goes away. But I trusted you. And I can’t go back there... I won’t. I deserve more, and I thought you wanted to be that for me.” It scared her how she couldn’t stop the words that were spewing out of her mouth. “If you want to run to the bottle, I don’t want to be around to see that.”
“Where is this all coming from?” It was obvious she had caught him off guard with her breakdown. “I’m confused. So now I’m a pathetic drunk? I didn’t drink that much tonight but if that’s the issue, I can stop. Just say the word.”
Madison was stuck in an alternate-reality. All she could see is red, and all she could feel was fear. Being afraid for herself brought on a defensiveness to her words. “There’s no excuse for what I saw tonight. You need to make a choice. I can’t do that again—I won’t.” Justin had tried to apologize for all the times he’d behaved badly leading up to that horrible night. And she had fallen for that shit, over and over. She wouldn’t make that same mistake again.
A pained look sat on his face, as if he’d been punched in the gut. “I told you, I didn’t... Maddy? Why was tonight so different than any other? So...all this time, you were hoping to change me? Is that it? I wasn’t good enough as is?”
“Change you? Please. You’re the most bullheaded man I’ve ever met. You knew my aversion to alcohol, and yet you would still sit right in front of me and drink. Were you testing me?” Her anger fueled her words again.
“Excuse me? I’m bullheaded?” His eyes were full of spite and unspoken words.
“Do you even have a plan for your future? No, you don’t. You just think these teams are going to keep you forever because you don’t want to not play.” She shook her head, and as hard as she tried not to cry, a hot tear slid down her face. “I was drawn to you because you were better than all the other guys. You weren’t one of those loose cannon, frat-boy kids. You were better than them, I thought you were—it doesn’t matter.”
“What doesn’t matter? Maddy, I’m really not sure what’s going on here. You could’ve asked me not to drink.”
Madison scoffed at his words. Matt hated being told what to do, and he knew damn well that she would never try to change him. If he loved her, he would’ve been the man that she needed him to be without her asking.
“Bullshit! ’Cause like that would’ve worked. Like you take so kindly to people trying to tell you what to do? I only wish you’d listen to other people. ’Cause, Matt, if you don’t start paying attention and taking care of yourself, no one is going to remember your name for anything other than your downfalls. Don’t you want more for yourself?” Sadness clouded her heart when she couldn’t stop the words that fell out of her mouth next. “If you don’t have any respect for yourself, then how am I supposed to?”
Matt’s face dropped, and his mouth gaped open. His voice was only a little louder than a whisper. “Is that how you really feel?”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. But all she saw when she closed her eyes was Justin’s fist coming at her. Madison flinched at the memory. “You are a hockey enforcer. You fight for a living! Why did I ever think this would be a good idea?” Her emotions were overtaking her common sense, but she couldn’t help it. All she felt was fear, and she never wanted to feel that kind of helplessness again.
“Maddy?” Matt begged.
Her body was drained, and she was done. Not looking at him, she spoke calmly. “Get out.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see how sad he looked, as his eyes moved from her to the car door. He appeared unsure what he should do. Eventually, he stepped out of the car. “Maddy, I don’t know what you think I did, but I still think we need to talk about this. I obviously fucked up, but you need to tell me what’s going on. And you can yell at me all you want, but I’m not done with you. Not by a long shot.” He hung onto the passenger’s door frame and had his head in the car, as if he were waiting for her to say something more.
Matt wasn’t Justin. But he triggered all the fears she’d kept hidden away. It was too much for her. He might not be Justin, but at this very moment, he was close enough. Madison needed time. Time for what was the big question.