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Madison
Madison woke from a dead sleep, her body trembling and sweat pouring down her forehead. Another nightmare. She hadn’t had bad dreams like this since the months that followed after leaving her ex-boyfriend, Justin. It had been two weeks since she’d broke it off with Matt, and out of those fourteen days, she’d dealt with a nightmare almost each and every night. It was two in the morning, and that nightmare was particularly unsettling, more so than the others.
Every nightmare was the same: Justin’s fist coming at her face. She hadn’t slept more than two hours in a row since the night of Bryan’s bachelor party. That image of Matt’s alcohol-fueled anger had triggered all the emotions from her traumatic experience with Justin. The feelings of terror that she had buried so deep, had been brought to the surface, and the nightmares were the result.
That was why she had to break it off with Matt. Maybe she said some things she really didn’t mean. But what she had walked in on was a gigantic trigger for her. She missed Matt terribly, but there was no way she could repeat that part of her life again.
Madison walked to the kitchen, with Mr. Whiskers following close behind her. His meow sounded curious; he obviously wondered why she was infringing upon his nightly alone time. When she got to the kitchen, she opened the refrigerator and stared at the brightly-lit shelves, not particularly hungry, but more in a fog.
When she closed the refrigerator without taking out any cat food, her feline friend disappeared into the darkness of the house. The house was so quiet, the silence was borderline depressing.
Madison had even been avoiding her sister. It would be nice to have someone besides Mr. Whiskers to talk to, but at the same time, part of her just wanted to be sad. She had her own demons, and in her gut, she felt like a hypocrite condemning Matt for his.
She heated up a cup of decaf tea and hoped to get at least a few more hours of sleep before she had to get ready for work. If the last two weeks were any indication, she wouldn’t. Dragging her feet, she shuffled into the living room with her hot tea, curled up on the couch, and channel surfed until something caught her attention.
Her eyes strayed from the television screen to the vase of flowers on the shelf. The two dozen pink carnations filled her living room. She was floored that Matt had remembered how special pink carnations were to her, but she wasn’t going to fall at his feet over a few flowers. Even if it did hit her in the feels that he’d paid attention when she didn’t realize he was listening. This was a bit more complex than something a few dozen flowers could fix.
MADISON ROLLED OVER in bed, covering her head with a pillow to avoid the afternoon sun that was streaming through the window. She had called off work hours ago, faking sick. Not only had she been dragging all day yesterday without sleep, but she’d seen Matt’s name on the appointment schedule for today. It was the first time in over a month that he would be in, but she still wasn’t ready to face him.
The weeks had passed so slowly that she couldn’t believe it had only been about a month since she’d broken it off with him. This hiding away and pouting was unlike her, but she couldn’t seem to pull herself out of bed, regardless. On the days she had managed to get to work, she’d kept to herself. She didn’t need advice from Bryan or Cathy; she just needed to do her job and get home to Mr. Whiskers. But even that wasn’t enough. The house was too quiet without Matt’s jovial laughter and naughty jokes.
She still loved him, and she missed him. But she couldn’t shake that visual: him beating up that guy. She was as guilty as the next girl, getting a bit hot and bothered when he did that on the ice. But seeing it off-ice was different and in no way a turn on. Add in the alcohol, and it was her nightmare.
Every time she thought about him, that terrorizing image of Justin was now attached. She had two choices: face that fear, or let it control her. It was still too early to tell which way she was leaning, but if it meant losing Matt forever, then she needed to consider facing her fear so she could try to be happy.
Her cell phone buzzed from the nightstand, and she rolled over to pick it up. Matt’s named illuminated the screen. She silenced the phone and set it back down. She just wasn’t ready.
Madison wasn’t a child; she knew that talking to him was the only way to straighten this out. But her heart hurt too much. Add in the memories of Justin being an angry drunk, and she was in a holding pattern, whether she liked it or not.
That night, Matt hadn’t set out to do anything wrong. He’d been with Bryan, and Madison had known all about the bachelor party. They had decided together that she should come pick Matt up, and she had been okay with that. He hadn’t known his actions would set her off the way they did, or why. And that was part of the problem: he didn’t know.
Madison hid her head under her pillow. If she really loved him, she had to tell him the whole story. She never thought he’d fall for her, but it had happened. And she had accepted him just the way he was. But she had never seen him violent off the ice before, and he’d had a few beers in her presence without any sign of it triggering his anger.
None of this made any sense. Maybe this was why she had kept love at arm’s length for so long. Because it was hard. Then again, that was just it; it wasn’t hard with Matt. It was easy, and fun—until now.
Madison pulled the covers over her head and let out a heavy sigh. She had a lot to think about, but hiding out here sounded like a better plan at the moment. The sound of purring interrupted her thoughts, as Mr. Whiskers started to knead the comforter that covered Madison’s head.
She threw the covers off and grabbed her little furry friend. “Hey, little guy!” She sat up and crossed her legs, snuggling him close as he vibrated with happy purring. “Yeah, I miss him too, Mr. W.”
The struggle in her heart only got worse the more she thought about Matt, and all the flowers he’d sent, lingering around her house, didn’t help. Finally, Madison gave in and dialed her sister’s number. It was the middle of a work day, so she had no idea if Brooke would even pick up. Part of her hoped she wouldn’t.
As much as Madison needed to talk to someone, she was not ready to face hard truths. She knew how tough she was on Matt without her sister enforcing it. That’s probably why she avoided calling her until now.
Her sister’s voice came through the phone. “Maddy, hey. What’s up?”
Madison paused. But she needed the sisterly guidance. “Brooke, you got a minute?”
“Sure.”
“I need some advice. It’s about Matt.”
“Ooh!” Brooke’s voice squealed. “How’re you two doing? I hope good; that boy is head over heels for you.”
“Brooke... Please. We’re not good, and that’s why I need to talk. He knows I don’t like his habit of drinking.”
“Okay? You do realize adults are going to drink, right? And that just because your ex-asshole was a piece of garbage, doesn’t mean every man who likes his beer is, too.”
“Gee, don’t feel the need to hold back.” Madison was annoyed with her sister’s bluntness, and yet maybe it was something she needed to hear.
“Maddy, I’m sorry if that hurts, but it’s the truth. I like to go get a beer every so often. I’m responsible about it, and don’t drive when I’m drinking, but am I wrong for it? No.”
“He knows how I feel about it, though.”
“So? Are you waiting for him to miraculously change into someone else? Didn’t Mom tell you that people don’t change?”
Madison nodded, even though she knew her sister couldn’t see it.
“I feel like I’m missing part of the story. What’s going on with you two?”
“I don’t like the drinking, but he’s never given me any reason to take issue with it. We were getting along so well. We were so good, Brooke. I was really happy with him.” Madison swallowed hard, fighting back tears.
“Maddy, are you having the nightmares again?” Brooke questioned, her tone serious.
“Brooke, I really like him. But...”
“But he did something that triggered the memories?”
Madison nodded again.
“I’m going to take your silence as a yes. Maddy, I don’t know what he did. But only you can decide what’s next. Maddy, did he hit you?” Brooke asked, almost in a whisper.
“No! Of course not!” Madison said abruptly.
“Okay. Then he’s not Justin. And I know it’s hard for you right now. But that’s the most important thing to realize.”
As always, her sister was right. Matt was not Justin.
“Sis, I can give you advice all day, and you know I will...but ultimately, the decision is up to you. Does he know about what Justin did to you?”
“No, not all of it, just the drinking.” She knew a discussion was in order, no matter what she decided to do about them as a couple. “It never came up.”
It was difficult to talk about those days with Justin, when she had tried so hard to keep those fears buried. Forgetting about him was her best defense, so dredging up the past was something she was hesitant to do.
“Then I think you already know what the first step is.”
She did, she just needed to hear someone else say it.
“Just one more thing. If he’s worthy of your heart, regardless of if he knows the whole story or not, he’ll prove his love to you. Even if you try to push him away. And you deserve a man who is willing to fight for you, well, not literally, but you know what I mean.”
Madison hung up with her sister, knowing what needed done. Sometimes her sister gave the best advice without saying a word, just letting her talk it out.
Maddy spent the rest of the day avoiding her cell phone. It continued to ring with calls and texts from Cathy and Bryan. She didn’t need them all giving her advice about what she should do. She needed to figure that out on her own, and she wasn’t quite there yet. But at least she knew where to start.
The last gift showed up that same day at two in the afternoon, a dozen cupcakes from the local pastry shop, the Pink Ribbon Cupcakery, the one she’d talked to Kat about. And the cupcakes were the ones she’d said were her favorite, the ones that were only found at the Pink Ribbon Cupcakery. The Pink Ribbon Cherry Vanilla.
Again, Matt was proving that he’d listened, when she didn’t think he had been.
The cupcakes were decorated so that they spelled out “I love you.” The cupcakes that didn’t have letters on them had little sugar decorations that said, “I’m sorry.”
It was clear that he was making an effort with the flowers and the cupcakes, but she still needed more. It was obvious that he had demons, and all the gifts in the world couldn’t fix that. Money couldn’t buy what she needed from him. She needed to feel safe. He was going to have to prove that he wouldn’t hurt her the way Justin had, and it had to come from the heart, not his wallet.