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Matt
This morning had gone to hell quickly. First, a terrible one-on-one workout with the trainer, then feeling like shit, worrying whether or not Maddy would forgive him for being such a tool. He should have gotten on his knees and begged for her forgiveness after the song was over. But even he knew so many things were wrong with that scenario. All her co-workers were there. He would never make her decide her fate in front of an audience. That wasn’t fair to her, and he didn’t want to stay and hope to sway her decision one way or the other. If she decided to take him back, he could show her he was changing, but ultimately, it was up to her.
He had stepped way out of his comfort zone yesterday, pulling that stunt. He’d almost backed out at the last second. Sitting outside the office, waiting for her to come out, he had almost taken off. Why would his crappy-ass singing change her mind?
Maybe the song selection had made her feel something. He had felt the words as he sang, and he could tell by the look in her eyes that she’d felt them, too. And the way she’d looked at him, he wasn’t so convinced that it was only the music.
His pocket felt bare without his thirty-day chip, and he blamed the bad workout on that. But it was just a coin. It didn’t have magical powers. Or maybe it did. He hadn’t been lying when he’d written to Maddy, telling her he’d do anything for her. And this was just one step to fulfilling that promise, even if she didn’t take him back.
That was something he didn’t want to think about, yet a knot made its permanent home in his stomach. Her friendship meant so much to him; his days didn’t seem right without her in them.
But, as much as he missed her, even he knew that if she was smart, she’d run far, far away. If he blew this once, he would surely manage to screw up again. And a woman like Maddy deserved only the best, and that wasn’t him. But despite all that, he couldn’t help hoping she’d stay.
When his doorbell rang, he was shocked and relieved to see that it was her. There she stood, with a small duffle bag over one arm and her massage table in hand, looking beautiful, even in her jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail.
“Maddy?” His heart thudded against his chest. As happy as he was to see her, he was just as confused to why she was here. Maybe she’d made a decision about them.
“Hey.” Her eyes were puffy, as though she’d been crying. But her small smile told him she wasn’t sad right now, at least. “Can I come in? I come bearing a free therapeutic massage. You know, since I wasn’t available during your last appointment.” Her gaze drifted to the floor.
Realizing they were still standing in the doorway, Matt moved out of her way. “Yeah. Please, come in.” His heart thudded against his chest, and his mouth was dry. He needed to make sure he didn’t screw this up; it might be his one chance to make things right.
Maddy walked past him into the house. Her sweet body spray lingered in the air. He had missed so much about her.
“You really don’t have to do that. The massage I mean.”
She waved her hand in the air. “No, no. I owe you one. Now, where can I set this up?”
While wondering if he should apologize for all his shortcomings, he showed her into the living room. “You can set that up in here, if you want.”
“Thanks.” She tossed her duffle bag onto the floor and quickly set up her table. “By the way, thank you for the flowers.” A small grin pulled at her lips, and her cheeks flushed pink.
As if he were walking on eggshells, Matt worried that he was going to say something that would send her running again. “I’m glad you liked them.”
“You remembered the story I told you about the pink carnations,” she stated as if she were surprised.
“Of course I did. They’re your favorite flower, and they were your Grandma’s favorite flower. Your Grandfather would always buy them for her.”
She nodded, her eyes glistening. A smile again pulled at the edges of her mouth. “And you sent my favorite type of cupcake.”
“The one that only the Pink Ribbon Cupcakery makes. And the little sugar decorations that you like so much. They couldn’t make fondant ones that said ‘I’m sorry,’ so we went with sugar.”
“It was all very thoughtful, and as much as I appreciated it, none of that is why I’m here.”
He wasn’t sure how to take that, but the serious look on her face told him it wasn’t good. The smile that kept trying to break through was nowhere to be seen at the moment. Maybe she was done with him; maybe this was the big brush-off.
Had he pushed too hard with the song? “Look, maybe yesterday was a bad idea.”
“No. Matt, please hear me out. With all of the things you did, I still wasn’t sure where we stood,”—she put her finger up to keep him from interrupting— “and I want to talk to you about that. That’s the main reason why I’m here. But first, out of all those things, I still wasn’t convinced that we were going to work. But you...you sang our song. You sang it.”
“Yeah, that was pretty risky. I’ve never been accused of having a great singing voice.”
“It was beautiful.” She played with her fingernails, as she did her best to avoid his glance. “It meant more than any of the other things. Throwing money around is easy, but what you did...”
Matt was mentally preparing himself for the waterfalls, still not really sure how he was going to handle it, when she threw her arms around his waist and hugged him tight.
“The song meant the world to me. Thank you.”
He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, inhaling the fresh scent of her shampoo. He’d missed that, too. Softly resting his chin on her head, he needed to get this out. “Madison, I need to apologize for being a total dick. I really care about you. You’ve been there for me. You put up with my immoral coping mechanisms, as you like to call them. And you are someone I call a friend.” Her silence concerned him. “I have a thousand reasons why I fell back into old habits...”
“And none of them matter right now. Last night, after you left, I thought about you all night.” Her arms tightened around him.
That’s why her eyes were red, she had been crying.
“Look, sugar, I know you take issue with my drinking, and I don’t do it a lot, well, except for that night. But, that’s something I am trying to change. As you know, I am thirty-days sober. I’ve been going to meetings. With help and support, I’m not going to fall back into old habits. You are the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, and if this is what it takes to have a shot at having you take me back, even if it’s not right now, then this is what I’ll do. I don’t need alcohol, but I do need you.”
“But... you’re in my head, too. I really care about you.” She took a deep breath, wiping at her eyes. “And you deserve the whole story. That leads me to the other reason I’m here. You need to understand why I freaked out.”
“Bryan told me—”
Maddy shook her head. “Bryan shouldn’t have butted in, it wasn’t his place, but he also didn’t tell you the whole story. That was mine to tell, and I should’ve talked to you about it months ago.”
Her tone was shaky, and her body trembled slightly in his arms. Matt didn’t like what he was seeing. Her unsettled appearance made his heart ache for her. “Sugar, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” He held her closer, hoping to comfort her. She didn’t need to be scared of whatever was freaking her out.
“No, I do.” She slowly pulled away from him. Taking his hand, she nodded to the couch. “Can we go sit down?”
“Sure.” Matt didn’t like to see her so nervous. Whatever this was about must’ve been big. That alone should’ve scared him. But it didn’t. She wasn’t running, and that was all that mattered to him.
On the couch, Matt sat as close to her as he could. Her blue eyes, usually so full of life, now glistened with unshed tears.
“Oh, sugar. Don’t cry. We really don’t have to do this.” She tried to look away, but he wouldn’t let her. “I’m not going to drink anymore. I’m really trying, and I want you to believe that. I’ve been disrespectful to your feelings, and you deserve better.”
“Oh Matt.” Maddy shook her head slowly. “I do believe you. Look, it isn’t about the one or two beers you drink. It’s about what I saw at Bryan’s bachelor party.”
“Did you talk to Bryan about this already?” Thinking back to his own conversation with Bryan, his stomach twisted in knots.
“Just briefly. He just kept encouraging me to talk to you. But all he would tell me was what I saw was ‘not what it seemed,’ even though it looked pretty clear to me.”
She looked like something was weighing heavily on her, and it had to be more than just his drinking. He thought back to his conversation with Bryan, when his friend had inferred things about Maddy’s ex-boyfriend.
“You’re a hockey enforcer. Your whole game revolves around beating people up.” She paused and took a hard breath.
“Yeah, on the ice. It’s not like I go around beating the snot out of people on the street.” But the memory from that night hit him again. He might not have beaten up a random guy off the street, but he had, in fact, punched a guy in the bar. Shit.
“And I would normally agree with you. But...”
His heart dropped. Matt felt as if he’d been thrown off a building at that very moment. If she’d seen what he thought she had, then he was lucky she was even sitting in the same room as him, and that screaming mess of a breakup was warranted. She must think I’m no better than her ex. The thought had his whole body numb, and nausea hit his stomach.
Staying quiet, he wanted her to be able to get out what she came here to tell him without him putting in his two cents. There’d be plenty of time for that and more apologizing after.
“I knew you’d be drinking; we discussed that. I had no illusions about the alcohol. I’m no prude. You guys were going to drink. But I was not prepared to walk in and see you beating up another patron.”
Matt saw a flash of something in her eyes. It might have been fear, although he wasn’t positive, and he hadn’t seen it before. Maybe it was him she was afraid of. He wanted to hold her, he wanted to take all her fear away and make her feel safe. But he didn’t move.
“Do you want me to explain what happened that night? Because I will.”
“I do, but I want you to hear me out first. I’m afraid I’m going to lose my courage if I keep putting it off.”
Matt nodded and let her continue.
“You know my ex-boyfriend abused alcohol, but that wasn’t his biggest issue.” She paused and looked at Matt with sad eyes. “Justin... He was a nice guy when he was sober, or else I wouldn’t have been with him, but when he was drinking, well, he was a very angry drunk. It was never directed at me, um, not at first.”
The hot anger started to fill Matt’s veins at the thought of that jackass putting his hands on Maddy. He took a deep breath to contain those feelings, because if he couldn’t do that, then he was no better than that piece of garbage. He nodded in the hope she’d continue.
“Usually, he’d start fights with other guys when he was drinking. That was bad enough and should’ve been the only warning sign I needed. But it wasn’t. It got much worse before I finally told him to leave.” She took a deep breath, and a single tear ran down her cheek. “I was doing my internship and had a late appointment. When I got home from work, he had been drinking. I saw the empty bottles in the living room. I should’ve turned right around, but I didn’t. He was mad that I was so late getting home, the stupid microwave dinner he’d made for us had gone cold, and he was all bent out of shape about it. It was generic mac-n-cheese, not like it was a three-course meal. But I’m getting off track.”
Mad because she was late getting home from work? Because dinner got cold? What kind of dickbag was she dating? Inside, Matt was fuming, but him angry was the last thing she needed to see right now. Right. That’s why what she saw at the Cat House was such a problem.
“I apologized for being late and not calling, because that’s what I always did, apologize. Even though when you’re in the middle of a massage, you can’t very well pull out your cell phone and make a call... I guess I was supposed to... But while I was apologizing, he threw a beer bottle across the room. It hit the wall right by me and shattered. Broken glass lay at my feet, and there were even slivers in my hair. I thought that had been the worst of his tantrum...until he pinned me against the wall. I was so scared that I couldn’t even close my eyes.”
She was shaking again. Doing his best not to scare her off, Matt put out his hand. “Sugar, I’m here. If you want to hold my hand, just take it. If you want me to hold you, snuggle close and I swear I’ll never let you go, if that’s what you want.” But he didn’t dare make a fast movement like pulling her into a hug, not with the state she was in. The look in her eyes terrified him. It was almost as though she were reliving those moments. No wonder she had never told him.
Maddy slid her hand into his. Her fingers trembled. “He stared me down as if I were his prey. And the image I fear that I will never get out of my mind is his fist coming at my head. I thought he was going to hit me. I was trapped. I couldn’t move out of the way.”
She swallowed hard and took a shallow breath. Her bottom lip shook as she continued. “His punch landed on the wall, right beside my head. The hole left in my wall was enough to wake me up. It shouldn’t have taken that much. To this day, I don’t know if he meant to punch the wall, or if he tried to hit me and he was so drunk that he missed.” She moved her eyes towards the floor.
Matt gently lifted her chin with his knuckle, until she was looking at him again. He wanted to tell her not to blame herself. He wanted to tell her that none of it was her fault. He just wanted to make it all okay. But how could he, after what she had seen him do?
“I now know that none of it was my fault, but at the time...” She shook her head as if she were trying to get it out of her mind. “And then I walked in on you, drinking and beating on that man. I was hurled right back to that day, being pinned against that wall, and fearing for my life. What I saw that night was alcohol fueling your anger, just like Justin.”
But she didn’t pull away from him, or even flinch. That was a small bit of reassurance to him.
“I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wasn’t going to put myself in that position again. But I wasn’t happy without you, and Bryan tried to tell me that what I saw was not what it seemed. And the flowers and the cupcakes... I felt like you just trying to buy my forgiveness, so while they were nice, I wasn’t bowled over. Part of me wanted to forgive you, but I couldn’t. Then you sang to me, you sang the most perfect song, and it meant so much. Everything I ever felt about you came rushing back. I knew I had to give you the benefit of the doubt. I had to tell you the truth of what happened, and then hear your side of it.”
Maddy paused for a moment, then added, “And it was never my intention to keep my past from you. I hid what happened away, so I could get on with my life without that constant fear nagging at me. It was too painful to dredge up, and I thought that if I kept the fear hidden, it might eventually go away. If it’s any consolation, I don’t tell many people.”
“But Bryan knew?” Matt didn’t mean to sound like he was being trivial about it. “Wait, that came out wrong. What I’m asking is, how much does Bryan know? You know what, never mind. I don’t have the right to ask you that.”
Maddy shook her head. “No, you’re fine. Yes, Bryan learned bits and pieces during our friendship. He knew Justin was a drunk, an angry one. The walls in the office are thin, and I was talking with my sister. That’s how he found out more than I probably would’ve told him.”
Matt nodded again. He seemed to be doing a lot of that today. “First of all, I never want you to feel like you have to explain yourself to me. Okay?”
This time, Maddy nodded.
“Now for my part. You did most definitely walk in on me beating the shit out of that jerk. What you didn’t see was why I punched him.” He paused, trying to gauge her reaction. She was still holding his hand, and her eyes were glued on him, so, he continued. “We were having a nice night. Some of the guys were enjoying the typical strip club things, but for the most part everyone was behaving themselves. Then there was that guy. I don’t even know his name, and he wasn’t with our group.”
Maddy’s eyes widened, and Matt got the awful feeling she was imagining him beating up this random guy over nothing. He quickly continued his explanation. “He was really harassing the one waitress. I mean, it’s her job to dress the way she does and serve us idiots drinks, but she’s not being paid to put up with assholes like him grabbing her and saying lewd things to her. First of all, the policy in the Cat House is hands-off. The poor waitress had put up with enough crap from him, and she couldn’t get hold of security. But the guy wouldn’t take no for an answer, and I could see she was upset, so the last time he grabbed her, I’d had it.”
Maddy’s gaze softened, and Matt hoped she was seeing his side of things.
“That’s not how you treat a woman,” Matt went on, “even if she does work in a strip club. She’s just trying to pay her bills, like everyone else. And that’s when you walked in. You can ask Bryan or any of the guys there, probably even Amanda will tell you; I was simply defending her from a sleazeball.”
“It wasn’t what it seemed,” Maddy mumbled.
“What?”
“Bryan told me it wasn’t what it seemed. Damn, why is he always right?”
“It doesn’t matter who said what. I should’ve told you everything weeks ago. I should’ve explained myself that night. I acted irresponsible that night in front of you, and that’s not okay.”
Her lip quivered as she spoke. “You were doing it for all the right reasons. I just didn’t know that. I never gave you a chance to explain.”
“Sugar, I should’ve fought harder to tell you. I’m sorry it brought back all those bad memories for you, and I know that no matter what the reason is, it’s never right to do something like that. I hurt you. I’m sure there were a million other ways for me to handle that.”
He leaned down to look into her eyes. “I never meant to hurt you. I plan on being better in the future. I’m taking baby steps, but I am working on it. I’ve had a rough last few weeks with the team, but that isn’t your problem. And one thing I’ve learned at my meetings is that I need to find a new way to deal with my bad days. Alcohol is not the answer to anything. And I proved that night, that it only makes a bad situation worse.”
“I never asked you to give up alcohol completely, and the fact that you knew about Justin’s past, and you made that positive change in your life... That means the world to me.” She pulled the red chip from her pocket and held it between her fingers.
“I’ll continue to make that change in my life, even if you decide to walk out that door. But I hope you’ll stay. I didn’t think it was possible for me to love again after my marriage imploded, but then you came into my life. I do love you, Maddy.”
Another tear rolled down her cheek, and a watery smile pulled at her beautiful lips.
Seeing her hurting made his heart ache, with the worst pain he had ever felt. “Oh, sugar, don’t cry.” Matt wiped away the tear with his knuckle. He was still very cautious about his actions. The memories he had triggered could’ve done more damage than he knew.
Maddy sighed, as if she were relieved. “I’m not going anywhere.” Her arms slid around his waist, and she curled close into his chest, laying her head under his chin. “Promise you won’t let me go.”
“Oh, sugar, I swear I’ll never let you go. I’m so very sorry for everything.” He held her tight until she stopped trembling, and the tears stopped flowing.