Tiernan was supposed to go to bed early. Coach had sent him to the hotel at eight o’clock with strict instructions not to watch trashy reality TV or home decorating shows, just go to bed.
Tiernan had fully intended to, but then his phone rang.
He knew he shouldn’t have answered it when Ella’s name popped up, but maybe she was calling to wish him good luck. His parents had sent a brief text, like they were too busy to actually pick up the phone and call. They probably were considering the monstrosity that was Ella’s wedding.
“If you’re calling to wish me good luck, I don’t need it but thanks anyway,” he answered the phone cheekily, but the cold silence he got in return was enough to quash his good mood.
“I don’t suppose you read those articles that reporter writes about you,” she said sharply. A minute later as an unpleasant pressure grew in his chest.
“Not really,” he said. He preferred not to know what people wrote about him. There’d been a time after last Trials when he’d read every article speculating on his defeat. They’d guessed everything from alcoholism, to emotional distress, to plain he just wasn’t good enough. He’d stopped completely when the articles left a permanent pit in his stomach and made him want to quit swimming. It didn’t matter what other people thought of him, his coach said. He knew what he was capable of.
“But you’re there when you give the interview, right? So you hear what’s coming out of your mouth?” She sounded more pissed than she usually did.
Oh fuck. What had he said now? It had been days since the last meeting with Jennifer, and between then and now, all he’d thought of was training. That was all that mattered right now.
“Generally, yes,” he agreed carefully. It couldn’t be said that he always thought before he spoke.
“So when you called me a Bridezilla, you meant to do that?” It wasn’t a question so much as an accusation.
Shit. It was coming back. He hadn’t meant it like that, exactly.
“Ella, I — ”
“Do you know who reads this?” she interrupted. Tiernan rubbed his face as he sat down on the bed. He was sure she was about to tell him.
“You?”
Tiernan could almost see her glare.
“My friends,” she practically hissed through the receiver.
“So not you.” It would have been too much to assume his own family would read something like this.
“You called me a Bridezilla, and now it’s all over the internet! I’m sorry it’s such a hassle for you to be involved in my wedding.”
“It’s just an article, Ella,” Tiernan pointed out. He felt suddenly exhausted. He wasn’t supposed to be having this argument, not tonight, not ever. “No one will remember tomorrow. I don’t have time to do this.”
“You don’t have time?” she scoffed. “The wedding is in two weeks, Tiernan.”
The wedding. That was all she cared about. Her stupid wedding; a giant party that could have been scheduled for any other day of the year.
“I’m very aware,” he said, voice deadly calm. He was tired of this. “Are you aware that Olympic trials are tomorrow? I know you don’t care about my career, but I do, and I’m sorry I said something stupid to a reporter, but I have bigger things to worry about.”
He was sure Ella’s wedding would go off without a hitch. She was so focused on controlling every detail that things would be fine, but he didn’t have to be dragged into the drama.
“I came to trials last time,” she said angrily, and Tiernan sighed.
“Yes, I remember. I remember that disappointed look on your face when I fucked it up. That was four years ago and yet everyone still treats me like I’m that stupid kid who’s just gonna fuck it up again. That’s why you’re not here.”
He knew that was why his parents hadn’t come. He knew that was why Ella hadn’t even bothered to talk about it. They were afraid he was going to disappoint them again. A part of him didn’t blame them; last time, they’d had their hopes up so high and he’d crushed them. Didn’t they think he’d punished himself enough between then and now?
“Maybe if you stopped acting like a kid, people would stop treating you like one,” she said shortly.
“You’re saying that biting my head off over one word in an article isn’t childish?”
He could hear her growl over the phone. “I’m so tempted just to tell you not to come until you’ve grown up a little.”
“Don’t do me any favors,” he snapped. It was too late for this. He might have tried to be a little more diplomatic if it wasn’t the night before trials. He might have tried to be a little more understanding, but he’d been understanding since they’d announced the wedding date. He’d agreed to go when he’d probably be neck-deep in training. He’d humored her questions about hydrangeas versus lilies. He hadn’t told her that Michael was a pinheaded idiot. What more could she want?
“I won’t,” she replied sharply. “You’re coming to my wedding, with an appropriate date, and you’re going to be the best guest possible. No getting drunk. No groping the ushers. No bringing up this article.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” he said, rolling his eyes. Only his sister made him like this. Growing up, she had always been the perfect one, of the two. He’d been a close second up until trials last time. They’d always tried to outdo each other, or well, Tiernan had tried to be as perfect as her for a while. It hadn’t worked out.
She seemed to sense his sarcasm. “I’ll be at the Olympics if you go, you know,” she said. “Because I’m your sister, and I care about you.”
For a second, Tiernan felt bad for getting mad. At least she said it. It was nice to hear sometimes. The momentary guilt wasn’t enough to erase his annoyance, though.
“And not because it happens to coincide with your honeymoon?”
“Ugh, you’re so frustrating, Tiernan!” she snapped. “Why couldn’t I have had a sister?”
“’Cause she wouldn’t look as good as me in a Speedo,” Tiernan pointed out, and he wasn’t really surprised when Ella growled and hung up the phone.
Tiernan turned his phone on silent and collapsed back on the bed. He didn’t want any more calls tonight. He was never gonna get to sleep anyway.
He lay there for a second, frowning at the water stain on the ceiling before standing up and grabbing the keycard off the table.
The hallway was eerily silent as he padded down a few doors. If Coach caught him out, he’d flay him alive. Around the corner, Tiernan knocked on a door, quietly, almost too quiet, but the door cracked open a minute later.
“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?”
“Could say the same to you,” Tiernan said as Sam opened the door wider.
“Fuck it, come on,” Sam said, stepping back to let Tiernan in.
All the lights were on in Sam’s room, which led Tiernan to believe he’d been no nearer sleep than Tiernan. As much as Tiernan told himself that tomorrow was just another meet, it was a total lie.
Sam followed him in, flopping down on the bed. He hadn’t even bothered to pull down the comforter.
“Too bad there’s no mini-bar in here,” Tiernan said, only half-joking.
“I’m sure both our coaches would love that,” Sam replied, pushing two pillows behind him as he leaned against the headboard. “Turning up hung over on Trial day.”
Tiernan shrugged. “Not something I haven’t done before.” He smiled, but the joke fell flat even as he said it. He couldn’t deny that he was nervous. He couldn’t sleep because memories from last time kept running through his head, like a movie reel of all his mistakes. Just thinking about it made his stomach knot up. “Fuck, let’s talk about something else.”
“What else is there?”
“Anything else,” Tiernan said, climbing on the bed, crossing his legs and facing Sam. “What are you going to buy when you make the Olympic team and get yourself a great sponsor?”
“Not everyone gets sponsors, you know. We’re not all as pretty as you.”
As pretty as Tiernan was (he accepted that), he wasn’t going to take that as an excuse from Sam. Sam was better than he thought. “Come on,” he said, shaking Sam’s knee. “Dream a little, Sam. Anything you want, what would it be?”
“I’d just like to pay my rent,” Sam said, shaking his head. “Or maybe pay my parent’s mortgage. They’ve done so much for me.”
Tiernan knew he was lucky to have sponsors. A lot of people didn’t, but if they didn’t, they usually had family who supported them. Tiernan didn’t have that anymore.
“They coming tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Drove down from Virginia. I just hope I don’t disappoint them.”
“If anyone’s the disappointment in this room, it’s me,” Tiernan assured him good-naturedly. “And I know that you won’t because they love you. You can’t disappoint people who really love you.”
Sam picked at a string on the comforter and nodded. Tiernan wished Sam believed in himself as much as Tiernan did. He’d seen Sam swim. When he was on, he was good. He just let doubts get in the way.
“Your sister coming this time?” Sam asked, and Tiernan shrugged.
“She’s busy wedding-planning. Biggest day of her life, you know.”
Sam hummed in agreement. Tiernan would have thought that the day she’d gotten her Master’s degree would have been bigger than this since it had taken so long to get — growing up, she’d never sat around and gossiped about boys with her friends (Tiernan would know; he’d spied on her every chance he got) — but it wasn’t. Apparently her wedding trumped everything.
“So are you ready?” Sam asked finally and Tiernan laughed.
“Fuck no,” he said, smiling at Sam, “but that’s not gonna stop me from doing whatever I have to win.”
“Whatever it takes, huh?”
Tiernan nodded. It wasn’t going to be like last time. “Whatever it takes.”
Sam smiled, finally, and Tiernan felt better too. They could get through this.
“Guess I should go try to sleep,” Tiernan said after a minute, sliding off the bed reluctantly. He doubted he would, but if he didn’t at least attempt it, Coach would know.
“Hey,” Sam said as Tiernan reached the door. “Good luck.”
“You too.” He really meant it and pulled the door open. Back in his room, he shoved his silent phone aside and climbed into bed, pulling up the thin top sheet and listening to the hum of the air conditioner. He was never going to fall asleep.
“Did you sleep?” Coach asked suspiciously, peering at Tiernan, like he could see into his brain.
Tiernan scoffed. “Of course.” He adjusted his goggles on his forehead. The air was humid and sticky. He hadn’t even gotten in the pool but he was damp all over from sweat. The pool was outside, and the sun beat down on his shoulders as the stands filled with spectators.
“Lying to me does you no favors,” Coach said, lips pressed together, eyes narrowed.
Tiernan had slept, just not very well. The room had been too hot, so he’d turned down the A/C. Then it had been too cold. It didn’t help that he couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation with Ella. Any time he hadn’t spent being angry about what Ella had said, he’d spent dwelling on tomorrow, the trials, his second chance.
“Are you nervous?” Coach asked matter-of-factly. That was what Tiernan liked about him. He was a straight-forward, to the point kind of guy.
He swallowed down the lump in his throat and huffed out a breath. “No,” he said. He had to believe it. He had told Sam that it was just like any other meet, he had to believe the same or he wouldn’t get through it. He shook out his fingers and purposefully didn’t search the stands for Nik. He hadn’t gotten Nik’s text until the morning, too late. He probably wouldn’t have texted back even if he’d gotten it the night before.
Coach set a hand on his shoulder, turning him away from the crowds. “I wasn’t your coach last time, Pace, and I’m not going to tell you what you did wrong. That was then. This is now. All that matters is what you do today.”
Tiernan nodded. Coach was right. He had to let go of last time. He had to stop letting it hold him back.
“You’re going to make the team,” Coach told him, slapping his shoulder. “I’ve got the utmost faith in you.”
“Thanks, Coach,” Tiernan said, a weight lifting off his chest. It was just nice to hear from someone.
Coach nodded once. “Let’s get to the block. Butterfly first. Fifty-one seconds.”
“Fifty-one seconds,” he repeated, climbing up onto his block and pulling down his goggles. It was time to prove everyone wrong.