5. Aliens!

We’ve been making crowns today. I’d been awake half the night fretting about Charlie Smugg, so making crowns this morning took my mind off my problems. Dad had gone out to do something important, but he wouldn’t say what.

Mum cleared the dining-room table and piled it high with coloured paper, bits of old giftwrap from Christmas and birthdays, thin card, thick card, foil, glue, scissors, pens and pencils, and anything else she could think of that might be useful.

Granny and Lancelot came down to help the twins. Well, they said they were helping the twins, but really they wanted to make crowns for themselves.

Granny kept testing her crown out for size, popping it on and off her head and making Cheese giggle.

‘Granny, your crown looks wonky!’

‘I look like a monkey?’ Granny squeaked in horror. ‘I do NOT! Nicholas, do I look like a monkey?’

‘No, Gran. Cheese said your crown is WONKY – and it is.’ I tried to straighten it for her.

Granny shook her head and wagged a finger at Cheese. ‘You should learn to speak more clearly,’ she told him.

Lancelot raised one eyebrow. ‘And I think you should learn to listen more carefully, babe. Your poor hearing gets you into trouble.’

Granny looked daggers at her husband, picked up a huge pile of paper and pushed it across the table to him.

‘What’s all this for?’ Lancelot asked.

Granny’s eyes narrowed. ‘It’s for you to keep your thoughts wrapped up in so nobody else has to know about them!’ she shot back, and we all fell about laughing, except for Cheese and Tomato who didn’t understand. They just grinned madly and searched our faces for clues as to what was going on.

‘Silly saus–’ Tomato started, but Mum clapped a hand over her mouth. ‘If I hear that phrase one more time I’m sure I shall explode,’ she complained.

‘BANG!’ yelled Cheese, and then fell about. ‘Mummy exploded-ded!’

‘Exploded,’ I corrected.

Cheese looked at me for a moment and then said, slowly, ‘Exploded-ded-ded-ded-ded-ded–’ until I had to put a hand over his mouth. He is SO cheeky.

‘We could make crowns for the animals,’ I suggested. ‘Then they could join in the procession before the street party.’

Mum thought for a few moments. ‘Hmmm. A crown for a tortoise. Would that work? Probably not. Schumacher doesn’t exactly travel fast either. And the chickens – you’ll never get them to walk in a straight line. The rabbits will go bouncing off in all directions, as they do.’

Mum was right, unfortunately. If Schumacher the tortoise joined the procession it would probably take weeks just to walk the length of our road. But there was one animal left. Rubbish, the goat. She was perfect.

‘OK, I have had another idea and it’s even better,’ I announced proudly. ‘Rubbish could wear a crown and pull a little cart. We could put the chickens on the cart, or maybe even the twins.’

‘Where would we get a cart from?’ asked Mum.

‘I’ve got a cart,’ Lancelot said.

‘Have you, dear?’ Granny was surprised. ‘I’ve never seen it.’

‘Ah, that’s because it’s actually a large wheelbarrow at the moment. What I shall do is tie a long pole to each of the handles to make shafts for the cart. It’s as simple as that.’

Granny beamed at her husband. ‘My knight in shining armour! You are so clever sometimes, I could kiss you.’

‘You could kiss me anyway,’ said Lancelot. ‘Why hang about?’

‘Granny! Lancelot! Behave!’ I shouted.

‘Oh dear, the poor boy’s embarrassed,’ murmured Granny. And do you know what she did? She stretched across the table, put her hands firmly on my cheeks, yanked me towards her and gave ME the biggest, wettest kiss EVER!

URRRGH! GIANT SQUID ATTACK!!

‘There. Now I bet you’d much rather I’d kissed Lancelot, don’t you?’ she said, but by that time I had slid under the table and was lying there pretending to be dead.

Mum was thinking out loud. ‘This cart business. Let’s get this straight. The band is on stage and we are all in the band. So who is looking after Rubbish? She won’t walk along by herself. Someone will need to lead her in the parade.’

Oh dear, a bit of a problem. Or maybe not.

‘I could ask Trevor,’ I suggested.

‘Is he any good with animals?’ Granny wanted to know.

‘Yes,’ I said, keeping my fingers crossed. After all, Trevor’s dog, Streaker, wasn’t known as the Hundred-Mile-an-Hour-Dog for nothing. There was that time when she managed to knock over the town’s Christmas tree and all the Christmas lights, not to mention the time she ate all the pies from a van. Then there was the time she widdled in the middle of the dog show, and the time she – hmmmm! It was quite a long list, so I kept quiet.

‘Next time you see Trevor ask him and see if he can,’ Mum said.

We eventually finished making our crowns. Mum’s looked totally royal. It was silver and gold, with lots of pointy bits and glossy red and green jewels stuck round the edges.

Granny’s was lopsided and had gluey fingerprints all over it, while most of the glitter itself was stuck to her fingers.

‘I’ve never been good at this kind of thing,’ she admitted. ‘I usually end up getting both hands stuck together. Oh dear, I just have. Lancelot, help me pull my hands apart. Oh, now you’re stuck to me. We’re glued together!’

But I think Cheese and Tomato had done the best ones. They had made the craziest crowns ever, although I’m not sure ‘crown’ is the best word for them. Basically, they had made two headbands from card and then stuck shapes on them.

The rest of us had cut things out too – diamonds, triangles, circles, squares and so on, but the twins’ shapes were shapeless! They were blobby and loopy or twirly or flappy. They looked like jelly when you drop it on the floor, and they came in all colours. Some were made of card so they were stiff. Others were all floppy.

The twins had made MILLIONS of them. Then they had stuck EVERY SINGLE ONE of those shapes on to their headbands. When Cheese and Tomato put those crowns on their heads you couldn’t actually see the twins at all. Great long streamers of Christmas wrapping paper and flippy-flappy bits of foil spiralled down to their knees. Prongy things stuck up into the air and all you could see were two rather weird creatures, with three-year-old legs sticking out at the bottom.

‘I’m not sure the twins have actually made crowns,’ murmured Mum. ‘Unless aliens from a very strange universe wear crowns like that.’

Unfortunately, Cheese couldn’t see where he was going and he walked straight into the door instead of through it. Lancelot grabbed a couple of toilet rolls and stuck them together to make a pair of binoculars so Cheese could look through them and not bash into things. The twins wandered out to the back garden to show off their creations to Rubbish and the other animals.

Shortly after that Dad came back from wherever he’d been and he was almost jumping with excitement. He grabbed Mum’s shoulders and looked at her with blazing eyes.

‘You will never guess what I have got for you, Brenda!’

Mum was immediately worried, as well she should. ‘You’re right, Ron. I will never guess, because the sort of things you usually bring home for me are often so, so – how shall I say this? – BIZARRE. Do you remember Crunchbag the alligator? It’s not another alligator, is it? I don’t think I could cope with another alligator.’

‘Stop being such a meany and listen. I have got you – A PROPER DRUM KIT!’

Mum actually squealed and clapped her hands! She did a little dance. She grabbed Dad and waltzed him round the room. ‘A proper drum kit! That is wonderful, darling! But how? How did you do it?’

‘Well,’ began Dad breezily, ‘I just went into the local music shop and I said, “Look here, we’re having a street party with a procession and a crowning ceremony and there’s going to be a terrific number-one band playing, but we need a drum kit so why don’t you lend us one and it will be a great advert for your shop because we’ll tell everyone the kit came from you.” And the shop said, “All right, you’re on.” So there we are. Simple.’

Mum kissed him. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘A proper drum kit. That’s wonderful.’

It was all very exciting. It was even more exciting when the twins came rushing back into the house to show Dad their crowns.

He took one look at them, threw his arms up in horror and bolted from the room.

‘Help! Aliens! Run for your lives! Aliens! Run!’

He fled at top speed down the front path and away up the road, waving his arms furiously at hooting cars and scattering surprised people in all directions. ‘Run!’ he screamed. ‘Aliens! All the way from outer space!’

Behind him came the twins, Almost tripping over all those scraps dangling from their crowns. ‘Come back, Daddy! It’s us!’

The three of them vanished round the corner. Mum gazed after them for a bit and then smiled. ‘Peace and quiet at last. Isn’t it lovely? Anyone for a cup of tea?’