Michael Wigglesworth

Anne Bradstreet worked as a stand-up comic

under the name Goody B. Her act was mostly

‘Puritans are, like, “Thank God”; Non-Puritans

are, like, “Let’s swim in the hot blood of swine!”’

Her rival, Michael ‘Wiggly’ Wigglesworth,

was mostly ‘Puritans are, like, ‘I Love You,

Jesus’; Non-Puritans are, like, ‘I’m fine

with the devil lacerating my face!’’

The baseball game they once caught together,

Salem Witches vs. New Haven Nutmegs,

proved a point that became foundational:

with more Bud Light, more Bud Light’s required.

Years later, when people would say things like

‘The Church of Baseball’ without vomiting,

all records of my cancer surgery

were locked in a coffin called Coffinboy.