SIYANE
Romane
Caleb awoke with a start, terror yanking him from sleep to alertness.
Alex was again gone from the bed.
Valkyrie!
He leapt up, not waiting on a response before checking the corners and the space behind the chair and finding them empty. “Alex?”
“Up here.”
His careening heart returned to its proper location. Her voice sounded a bit strained, but she was talking. And she was here. He rushed up the stairs.
She stood at the stove in a lopsided tank and wrinkled shorts. Her hair was pulled back in a messy, unbrushed tail. Her skin was pale, almost pasty; her eyes remained bloodshot and her pupils still far too dilated.
But she smiled—honest to heaven smiled—at him. “You’re five minutes early. I was making you breakfast. Don’t be mad at Valkyrie. I forbade her from waking you.”
He’d never stopped moving, and when he reached her he brought up both hands to clasp her face and inspect it in concern. “Are you all right?”
Her lips parted. She exhaled softly, and her too-perky countenance faltered. “No. Not really. But I will be.”
He wrapped his arms around her. He recognized it was far from over, but he was just so damn relieved to feel her return the embrace, free of shivers and tears. “If we had known this was going to happen, I never would have pushed you like I did. We could’ve handled all this differently.”
She winced. “I did know.”
“What?”
“I mean, maybe I didn’t know it was going to be quite that bad. I’ve never had to go through a crash detox before. But I knew…I knew it would hurt. I knew it would be hard.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought it would sound like another excuse.”
“Not—I mean after. Last night. Why didn’t you warn me?”
“I didn’t want anything to spoil the sublime make-up sex.”
He rolled his eyes. “Alex.”
“I mean it. Or I mean…I didn’t want to let anything mar what was a special, wondrous evening. I wanted as many hours of perfection, of bliss, as I could steal, and I wanted you to have them, too.”
“Hmm. And it was perfect. Thank you. You still shouldn’t have kept it from me. You scared me half to death.”
“I’m sorry for that, among so many other things. I ought to have considered what….” She drifted off for a moment, then blinked. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I didn’t tell you the true extent of what was happening to me? Earlier?”
He ran his palm along her cheek; he couldn’t seem to stop touching her. “No. I get why you didn’t.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Right up until the last minute, you thought you were going to be able to bring it under control through sheer force of will alone. And you deeply hoped to be able to succeed.” He paused. “Also, I imagine you didn’t want to give it up.”
Her eyes slid away, but he reached up and urged her chin back until she looked at him. “That’s what addiction is, Alex. And even someone as remarkable as you is not immune from its insidious clutches.”
She laughed haltingly. “I really tried to be.”
“I’ve no doubt you did.” Now he instinctively withdrew. “But I should have seen it. I should have realized what was happening. I could’ve helped you, but instead I made it so much worse. I can’t begin to—”
Her face blanched. “No. This is not your fault.”
“But I acted—”
“No. I won’t let you take any responsibility for my poor choices. Caleb, listen to me, because I need to say something, now, before it gets lost in all the noise. What you did for me last night? No one has ever taken care of me like you did. No one has ever made me feel so safe, so protected, so…loved.”
His chest warmed in the glow of her words, but he tried to make light of it. “Not since your dad when you were a kid anyway, right?”
“No. Never. This is what I’m telling you. I can’t even articulate properly what it meant—what it means—to me. It’s why I was making you a surprise breakfast, to say thank you….”
Her expression darkened, as if a storm rushed in to envelope her. “Which, once I reconsider it, is an incredibly lame, s-stupid way to say ‘thank you.’ ” She shuddered. “W-why did I think something as meaningless as b-breakfast—”
“Hey.” He gently grasped her shoulders. When she started to wrench away, he coaxed her back. He felt a tremble pass through her skin beneath his hands. “It’s a fantastic ‘thank you.’ I’m starving. But if you want to do more to thank me, I have an additional, equally great way for you to do it.”
She gazed at him with such hope his heart broke all over again. “You do?”
“I do. It’s this: let me be here for you.”
Her nose wrinkled up in consternation. “But that’s the p-point. You were here for me—”
“Now I need you to listen to me for a minute. I know last night was probably the worst it will ever be in most ways, but I also know this isn’t over for you. There are going to be good days and bad days—bad hours, maybe bad weeks. I’m okay with that.
“More than being okay with it, the one thing I desire most in the world is to be able to help you during those bad days and hours and weeks, even if ‘helping’ simply means holding you.”
“I don’t—”
“Hush. I’m not done.” He smiled tenderly and kept his voice the same way. “You fear it will make you look weak, and you don’t want to look weak in front of me. But last night solidified for me something I’ve suspected for a long time: you are by far the strongest, toughest, most resilient person I have ever met, and I am in awe of you. Holding you while you cry and scream and shake will only serve to reinforce what I know to be true, and it would be my privilege to do so.”
He cupped her cheek. “Because I know you are strong, let me see you when you are weak. You never need to prove a damn thing to me, so don’t do this alone. Please?”
She blinked, and a single tear escaped to trail down her cheek. “I promise, I won’t hide. Truthfully, I don’t think I can any longer, but…I won’t try.”
She glanced behind her toward the stove; when she turned back to him a few more tears flowed, but she was smiling again. “Now are you planning to put on pants, or are we eating in the bed?”
He chuckled, flush with too many emotions to resolve into a mood and not caring in the slightest that he had in fact been naked for the entirety of the conversation. It was called marriage—something he was grateful to still have in the morning light. “Um…I think we’re eating in the bed.”