By the next Monday all the 6th grade girls seem to have forgotten I exist. And I can’t decide if this is better or worse than the silent treatment. Katy has moved on to befriending a new girl named Monica who just transferred from another school over break. And Amelia has been fully absorbed into her crew. Katy doesn’t even bother to hunt me down during gym class. But that’s fine by me. I have a best friend. It’s only been two weeks since I sent Lena the notebook but I’m hoping it comes back to me soon.
I make it through the day as the invisible girl. I get a 95 on my math quiz even though I barely studied for it. After school I walk home. I check the collection of mailboxes at the end of our street but ours is empty. I kick the dirt with my feet as I make my way up the driveway to our house. Eve stayed at school to earn some extra credit and Papa is already gone. Only Mama is home.
I stand outside of the house for a moment. I let the afternoon sun beat down on my face. My neck. I look up at the clear blue sky and then back at our house. It stares back at me with its empty-eyed windows. I can already feel Mama’s cloudy mood hanging over it. When I get inside I check on Mama. But she is not in her room. She is not in the sunroom or the living room or the kitchen.
“Hello?” I call out. But I am met with silence. I clench my teeth.
I check the garage. Mama’s van sits quietly in the dark heat. I relax my jaw. She’s not gone. She’s just on a walk or something. She’ll be home soon.
Back in the kitchen I notice a package on the table. “Lena!” I yell out loud. I tear it open. And out falls our notebook. I grab an apple from the counter and then run into the sunroom. Then I sit down and read each of her letters as fast as I can.
Friday April 1st
Dear K
OMG I was too excited to get home from gymnastics tonight and get our notebook!!! I grabbed it from my dad who was sorting the mail on the kitchen table and then ran upstairs to my room. My dad was like “Not even a hello from you? How was your day?” And I was like “NOPE!” I tore the envelope open before I even could get my backpack and shoes off. Then I read all of your letters. Twice.
Keda. What do you mean the houses in Albuquerque are made of mud? Is that safe? I can’t imagine living in a house like that. Sounds cool. Also. I thought of a new nickname for you #10bottlesaday. Because that’s how much lotion it sounds like you need in that desert. But you know we can be #ashyforlife together since our moms only want to buy us that nasty organic stuff that doesn’t even work on our skin. I’ll send you a bottle of Jergens if you send me one.
ANYWAY.
What IS the boy situation at El Rio? You write a lot about the girls at your new school. They sound evil. But more importantly please tell me about the boys. LOL. I know. I’m obsessed. But I dumped Damian. (That white boy with the big ears we met at the pool last summer?) We only went out (secretly) for a couple weeks. But then we were at the park and he pulled on the root of my braid and asked how it stayed in so well. Tried to tell me he thought it was ok to touch my hair because “I’m not like the other black girls” he’s met before. “You know.” He said: “You seem more white.” BOY BYE.
I’M NOT WHITE. THAT’S JUST MY PARENTS.
Why does nobody understand this? Mom’s calling me for dinner. More soon! So soon. I miss you.
Your BFF
L
…
Sunday April 3rd
Dear K
Today after church I told my parents I didn’t want to go anymore. They said I’m too young to make that decision for myself. It made me so mad that I burst into tears.
It’s not that I don’t believe in god. You know I do. But I don’t think my parents understand that it’s not about that. You know when grown-ups say something to you they THINK is a compliment but it’s really not? That happens to me all the time at church. I can’t take it anymore. Like last week. Jax our youth group leader was telling us about all the “poor kids” in the third world and how we need to be grateful for what we have and give back to those in need. And then he looked right at me and said: “Right Lena? I’m sure you’re grateful that your parents decided to save you through adoption.” I got up and went to the bathroom so nobody would see how upset I was. It reminded me of how Katy made you feel when she called you “the whitest black girl.” Forget her. And forget Jax.
Have you only been gone a month? It feels like forever. I have one more week of school before my Spring Break. Maybe I’ll get on a bus and come visit you? Just kidding. (Kinda.)
Your BFF
L
…
Tuesday April 5th
Dear K
I went outside and sat under our willow today after school. The leaves are starting to bud. It was weird without you. Are there willow trees in Albuquerque? Probably not. I am trying to make new friends at school. I mean. I’ve always been school friends with Rebecca Julie and Safiya. We’ve known each other since kindergarten. But we don’t hang out much outside of school. That was always you and me time.
Can I tell you a secret? I was kind of jealous reading about Amelia at first. I thought maybe she might replace me. I know that’s dumb. Because. You know. I’m one of a kind! LOL. But it’s hard to think that you might find another best friend.
Dunno. I am blah today. And reading about how Amelia turned on you made me extra mad. Katy is a monster. Stay away from her. She’s not worth your time. If she was a real friend she’d know you may not be good at basketball but you sing like a queen.
Your BFF
L
…
Wednesday April 6th
Dear K
Spring Break tomorrow! Wahoo! My mom is taking me to DC in the morning. Just for a few days. I even get to take a break from gymnastics. We’re going to the National Museum of African American History and Culture. My mom is so excited we finally got tickets. She has like a whole plan written out. I guess I’m excited too. I hear they have good food in the cafeteria. And that they have a whole exhibit about black athletes. I’m trying to be in a museum one day. You know what I’m saying? Right next to Simone Biles and Gabby Douglas. They also have an exhibit called “Musical Crossroads” all about black music and traditions. I told my mom we have to go to that one too so I can take pictures for you. You know they have some of Billie Holiday’s master records on display? I wish you could come with us.
Anyway. Before we leave tomorrow I’m going to mail the notebook back to you. I know I haven’t even had it that long but I can’t wait to get it back from you again. It should get to you in the next 3–4 days. WHEN YOU GET IT HURRY UP AND WRITE AND TELL ME EVERYTHING. I miss you SOOOOOO much. Don’t ever forget that I am your #ashyforlife bestie and I will fight Katy (with my words) to defend your honor. You are a queen. A QUEEN I tell you.
Your BFF
L
I read Lena’s letters again. I giggle and let her words warm my chest. I am a queen. And then I feel a tightness in my ribs when I think about Lena alone. Under our willow. I look outside of the sunroom windows. I scan our dry and patchy lawn. The one gnarly cottonwood tree that provides shade over the back fence and ditch looks pathetic in comparison to the delicate lace arms of the willow tree. But before I can even start to cry I see a small movement in the backyard. Mama. She is sitting on a chair in the lawn. Close to the porch door. She stares at the ditch. A collection of tissues next to her in the grass creates a little mountain. And she picks and picks and picks at the dry skin on her naked heels. She does not see me. And I do not tell her I am here. I just stay in the sunroom. Holding on to Lena’s warm words. Watching Mama until she finally comes inside and starts dinner.