Is Mama’s older sister. By two years. She works as a veterinarian in Denver Colorado which is about an hour away from Boulder. Her house is one of my favorite places to visit. It’s full of colorful glass vases. Wind chimes and bird feeders. And dogs. And rabbits. And fish. And once even a monkey named Ezra.
But today it is hard to be here. It’s hard to face the sunlight streaming through Aunt Sarah’s kitchen. It’s hard to care about the sugary French toast Aunt Sarah has prepared for us. Even the ten fluffy baby bunnies Aunt Sarah is raising in a hutch on her back porch cannot undo the events of yesterday.
Outside in my pjs after breakfast I pick up a small white bunny named Daisy. I hold her to my pounding chest and bury my face in the fur at the back of her neck. But I cannot unsee Mama turning away from us. Mama’s limp hand waving away Papa’s worried face on Aunt Sarah’s phone once we got to see her again in her hospital room. The beep beep beep and whir whir whir of machines keeping people alive and stable.
At some point yesterday. After the social worker interviewed us. After Mama’s stomach was pumped and she was tucked away in her room in the psych ward. After Aunt Sarah filled out all the paperwork while Eve and I tried to eat grilled cheeses in the cafeteria. We were released into Aunt Sarah’s care until Papa could make it back to the States. Aunt Sarah drove us home in her Jeep and made up an air mattress for us in her home office. We both arranged ourselves on the mattress to try and sleep. Eve played Candy Crush or Cookie Smash or some stupid game until her phone died. Then we both just lay there. In the dark. Trying not to hear Aunt Sarah on the phone with Papa. With the hospital.
“Eve?” I said after a long while.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Mama will ever look at us again?”
“I dunno Keda. I don’t know anything anymore. What she did was really selfish.”
And I didn’t know what to say then. And soon Eve started to snore. But I was still awake. So I jammed my eyes shut. Over and over again. Hoping that the Georgia Belles would be in the room to comfort me when I opened them. But they never showed up. And the only songs in my head last night were crashing ones. Metal and screeching and noise.
“Where are they when I need them the most?” I whisper in Daisy’s ear now. And Daisy jumps out of my arms and back into her cage where she is safe.