Harvey’s knees buckled. He steadied himself against the wall and seemed to hold on for dear life.
“Jeffers?” I asked, sure I was missing something.
“I’ve spoken to Mr. Neary,” he said, addressing the principal. “He told me the two of you have been in a relationship for the last fifteen years.”
Unable to stay upright, Harvey slid to the floor, tucked his knees into his chest and leaned against the wall. There was something sad about seeing such a large man in such a childlike position.
“Mr. Harvey,” Jeffers continued, “you need to talk to us now. You need to tell us everything that happened. We know you didn’t mean to kill Al. That it was an accident.”
Covering it up and making Al’s death look like a suicide was certainly no accident any more than pushing me down the stairs was. Gerald Harvey was in a lot of trouble, but I knew Jeffers was trying to engage his trust, so I kept my mouth shut.
It was a long time coming but, finally, Harvey spoke. “Christopher and I … We played football together. There was a league. Just a local thing, a few teams. I was engaged to Marnie at the time. I had … been with men before but … Every time I was with a man I swore it would never happen again. Disgusting. There was no way I was gay. I loved Marnie. It was just … Anyway, I met Christopher and it was … it.”
“But you went ahead and married Marnie,” I said.
“Of course I did. Marnie and I had a life. We were best friends—are! We had plans. Our families … She’s a good woman. I fought my feelings for Christopher for a long time. It devastated him. He’d been out for a while. Couldn’t understand how I could hide like that. We fought a lot. He went on to other relationships … But we kept coming back to each other. Eventually, it settled into what was. We found time to be together. And it worked for us for fifteen years.”
“You know you’re not alone,” I said. “There are a lot of gay men who’ve married women, often happily, and—”
“That’s what Al said.”
“Is that what you argued about?” Jeffers asked. “The morning he died?”
“Al didn’t know … how it was with me and Christopher. He didn’t understand. No one did. And if Marnie …” He choked on a sob. “I went to his office.”
“Is this a bad time?”
“Gerald. Please, have a seat. I … uh … I guess we should talk about—”
“There’s nothing to talk about. That’s why I’m here. I want to make that perfectly clear.”
“But—”
“What you saw—what you think you saw—wasn’t … isn’t …”
“Gerald, please sit down. I can see you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset, and I don’t want to sit!”
“Gerald?”
“I’m not like you!”
“Gay?”
“I love my wife!”
“There are a lot of men who marry women even though—”
“I love my wife!”
“Gerald, calm down. I’m not suggesting—”
“And what about you? What were you doing there? Who was that? It wasn’t Glynn. How dare you judge me!”
“I’m not judging. Believe me. Okay? Let’s just sit down and … talk. Maybe it will help.”
“Help?”
“Gerald, sit down.”
“I don’t need any help. What I need is for you to … promise you won’t say anything.”
“I—”
“Promise me!”
“I promise. But—”
“I … we …”
“Gerald, let me help you to the chair so you can catch your breath.”
“Don’t touch me!”
“There was a knock on the door. Ellie Penner. She was angry. I didn’t know what it was about. I do now, of course. Their private lessons. Al was abrupt with her. She left even more upset than she was when she got there.”
“Where were you when Al was talking to Ellie?” Jeffers asked.
“By the door to the studio. She didn’t see me. I made sure of that.”
For a while no one spoke. The sound of the drips from the leaky pipes arranged themselves in a new age musical composition that underscored the silence.
“It sounds like Al had no intention of telling anyone about you and Christopher,” Jeffers said at last.
“I couldn’t risk it.”
“So you killed him?”
Harvey charged the door. “It was an accident! You said that yourself! You said there was proof of that!”
Jeffers had been trying to get a rise out of Harvey and it had worked.
“You’re right,” Jeffers said. “I’m sorry.”
From what I could tell, Jeffers was using a modified version of cognitive dissonance to unsettle Harvey and throw him off balance. A lot of psychological manipulation goes into police interrogation to bring about a sense of discomfort in whoever is being questioned. Much of this is brought about by how the physical environment is controlled and, as Jeffers and I were clearly at a disadvantage in that regard, I guessed that this was his way of toying with Harvey’s sense of power.
“Perhaps you can tell us how it happened,” Jeffers suggested. “This accident.”
The large man resumed pacing. And sweating.
“Gerald,” I said gently, “Earlier you said ‘not again’. What did you mean?”
“Like … before. With you. I didn’t realize he couldn’t breathe.”
“Al, you mean?”
“Ellie left. Al started talking about his own experience.”
“Gerald, I understand. I’ve been where you are. I know about having to lie and pretend and sneak around. About fearing for my job, enduring hateful remarks, missing out on opportunities … I am judged every day. It’s astonishing to me that such discrimination is still so alive and well in this day and age, but it is. So much hatred. So much fear. So little understanding.”
“We are not the same! You know nothing about me!”
“All I’m trying to say is that you’re not alone. And if you ever want to talk—”
“I don’t want to talk! I don’t even want to look at you!”
“Gerald, I wish you would sit. I’m worried about you. You don’t look well.”
“He came toward me again and I pushed him against the wall. He didn’t fight me. It was like he knew I just needed to get it all out of my system and then I’d be fine. Like waiting out a child having a tantrum.”
“You disgust me! I used to be envious. I used to look at you and see everything I wanted to be. I’d see you and Glynn at things, out and happy, and I’d imagine it was me and Christopher. I’d wish it! You don’t need to tell me about the struggle, the captivity of the closet. I know it all too well. I’ve lived it longer than you. And I have to keep living it. But you are free. And you piss on it by having affairs and going to inns and risking everything. Do you have any idea how lucky you are? To have someone you don’t have to hide anything from? To be able to be the person you’re meant to be? I have that for one weekend every month. But you have it every day! Don’t you know what a gift that is?”
Silence.
“Do you?”
“What did he say?” I asked.
Harvey shook his head. “He couldn’t say anything. I didn’t realize it but my arm had been under his chin. I had held it there while I’d been talking.”
“You crushed his windpipe,” Jeffers said.
“I just wanted him to be still. I wanted to be sure he listened. I didn’t mean to.” Harvey started to cry. “He had my tie in his hands. I think he must have been pulling on it to get my attention, but …”
“Your tie,” Jeffers said, “do you happen to recall what colour it was?”
“What?”
“Nothing. Never mind.”
We didn’t need Harvey to confirm that his tie had been aquamarine. It didn’t matter anymore.
“Mr. Harvey, I need you to open the door now.” Jeffers’ voice was soothing. Trying to lull Harvey into a compliant state.
“What’s going to happen?”
“I’m going to make sure Bella is all right. Then we’re going to go down to the station and we’re going to talk some more.”
“I’ve told you everything.”
“Yes. But we still have to talk about what happened after.”
“I know I shouldn’t have done that. I should have come forward. I panicked.”
“You’ll have a chance to explain all that.”
“I’m in trouble, aren’t I?
“Mr. Harvey, open the door.”
“Am I going to be arrested?”
“Mr. Harvey.”
“What will happen to me? Oh my god. Everything will come out. Marnie. Oh my god.”
“Open the door, Gerald!” Jeffers was banging on the door from outside.
I started to pull myself toward the exit.
“I love him, you know. He is my everything. Oh my god. What have I done?”
“Gerald!”
“What have I done to them? Oh my god. Oh my god. You can’t tell her. Please don’t tell her. Oh my …”
It sounded like Jeffers was using something on the hinges of the door. I picked up my pace. Crawling toward him. My mobility was hindered by my injuries and I hadn’t covered much distance when I saw Harvey reach around his back.
“No!” I screamed.