Chapter Six − Hiding in Plain Sight

Still undecided, Jo stayed by her grandmother’s side for the better part of the next evening. Dancers twirled around in front of them as they sat off to the side, a perfect view of the ballroom at large. The orchestra played one lively tune after another, and many smiling faces looked flushed with exertion. Still, the atmosphere was almost intoxicating, and a part of Jo wished she could simply join in.

Silently, she had hoped to see her friends again that night, but sadly they were not in attendance.

“You look glum, my dear,” her grandmother remarked, her pale eyes narrowing as though she could make out the reason for Jo’s subdued spirits simply by looking more closely. “Do you not wish to dance?”

Jo sighed, “I do not know what I want.”

The past night she had tossed and turned, her thoughts running wild, burdened by what she did not know. And then sometime in the middle of the night, peace had found her rather unexpectedly as a memory of her childhood had fought its way to the forefront of her mind.

Joy had flooded her heart as she had seen Owen’s smile, his blue eyes full of mischief as he had urged her to climb one of the tall trees growing on the border of their families’ estates. Eagerly, she had complied, unable to ignore the call of temptation. Even hindered by her skirts, Jo had found her way high up into the tree, taken by the sight before her as her eyes had swept over the horizon where sky met land, always elusive, never to be found.

As she had climbed back down, her foot had stepped on the hem of her gown and she had slipped. For a terrifying moment, she had dangled in mid-air, her feet unable to reach anything sturdy, anything to keep her from falling. And then Colin’s voice had reached her ears, wiping away her fear as though it had never been. “Let go, Jo. I’ll catch you.”

And again, Jo had complied.

It had been a moment of utter trust and certainty. There had not been a single doubt in her mind that Colin would be there, that he would catch her, that he would see her safe.

Jo could barely remember that feeling, and as she woke the uncertainty of life came rushing back to her, making her yearn for the easy days of her childhood when the world had been a safe place and those in it had been by her side no matter what.

Now, she was alone.

Or rather, she felt alone. Could it be that she was the only one who experienced these doubts? Or were others simply more adept at hiding the turmoil that lived in their hearts?

And yet, Jo could not deny that a part of her still thought that the way her own life had turned out was a just consequence for her own selfishness. A part of her believed that she deserved to feel alone.

“I do not believe that’s true.”

“Hmm?” At the sound of her grandmother’s voice, Jo jerked back from her musings, her eyes finding those pale blue ones that were more familiar to her than her own. “I’m sorry. I was lost in thought.”

Her grandmother chuckled. “I did notice,” she replied, such a youthful twinkle in her eyes that Jo almost groaned with envy. “You seemed caught up in a beautiful memory.”

Jo frowned. Beautiful would not have been the word she would have chosen.

Her grandmother nodded. “You should have seen your face. Something…or someone made you smile. Who was it?”

Instantly, an image of Colin’s smiling face rose before her inner eye, and Jo felt her jaw drop with shock.

Again, her grandmother chuckled, clearly pleased with her astute observations. “And do you care to tell me the name of that young man who’s occupying your thoughts?”

Jo swallowed hard. “I…There’s…There’s no one. You are mistaken.”

Her grandmother inhaled a deep breath, then reached out and placed a wrinkled hand on Jo’s. “Owen would not wish you to be unhappy for the rest of your life,” she whispered, her words like a jolt to Jo’s heart. “He was a good boy, cheerful and fair and utterly compassionate. He would be appalled to see you punishing yourself like this.”

Jo felt a tremor shake her jaw, and then her grandmother’s image blurred as tears rose in her eyes. Quickly, she reached for her handkerchief, afraid others might take note of her emotional state. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I know, dear.” Patting her granddaughter’s hand, Grandmamma Clarice sighed, “I can see that you feel lost, and I cannot tell you what to do. But I want you to know that you have a right to live and be happy. It serves no one if you pretend that your life ended the moment Owen’s did. It does not bring him back nor does it make anyone else happy. If your roles had been reversed, would you have wanted him to live with this guilt for the rest of his life?”

“No!” Jo exclaimed, remembering the always-present kindness in Owen’s blue eyes. “Of course, I wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“Then don’t discount him, either, my dear. He cared for you deeply, and whether you believe it or not, what happened was not your fault. You need to find a way to let this go. It was not within your power to save Owen, and neither was it within your power to take his life. Do you understand?”

Sighing, Jo nodded. Of course, she understood. Of course, she knew that she had not truly been at fault. Even if she could argue that he would not have climbed the tree if she had not run off and then been locked in her chamber. However, according to this line of thinking, one could also say if she had never become Owen’s friend, if their mothers had not married men with neighbouring estates, if her grandmother had not always support her in her wild adventures, if…

The list was endless.

Jo knew that the guilt that lived in her heart was irrational, and yet, it was there. Simply because one’s mind understood an emotion to be wrong or harmful did not mean that emotion was easily discarded. Of course, Jo wished it gone.

But it would not comply.

What on earth was she to do?

“Why are you sitting here all night?”

Flinching, Jo looked up and found her mother standing before her, hands on her hips and a look of utter disappointment on her face as she glared down at her only daughter. “I…I was keeping Grandmamma company.”

Her mother huffed out an annoyed breath. “I’m certain your grandmother would not mind if you danced, my dear. Come along.” And without another look back, Lady Rawdon pulled Johanna to her feet and all but pushed her into the arms of a waiting gentleman.

Although displeased with her mother’s actions, Jo did her best to enjoy the dance. Although her partner was utterly boring−his only topic of conversation seemed to be his new phaeton−Jo got through the dance with enough grace, judging from the approving look on her mother’s face.

However, once the music ended, Jo pleaded a headache and quickly took her leave, weaving her way through a throng of people and away from her mother’s watchful eyes. She wanted at least one short moment alone with her thoughts, a moment to take a deep breath, and so she retreated toward the back of the ballroom. There, she spotted a few tall and dense-growing, potted plants, set in a row and thus providing a most convenient retreat for one who wished to disappear…if only for a moment.

Slipping behind the first plant, Jo drew up short when she found that her sanctuary was already occupied. “Oh!”

“I see you’ve found my hiding place,” a young gentleman remarked, an amused twinkle in his brown eyes as he glanced over her shoulder. Then quick as lightning, he reached out a hand and pulled her forward. “Come, before anyone spots you.”

Stumbling forward, Jo felt a momentary rush that oddly enough reminded her of her youth, of her adventures. A smile came to her face as she surveyed the young man currently trying to peer through the dense leaves.

His gaze narrowed as he ran a hand through his dark hair. “I don’t think anyone saw you,” he concluded, his voice low to avoid being overheard. Then he turned and looked at her, a genuine smile coming to his face. “I hope I’ve not stunned you witless by dragging you in here. I apologise if I’ve offended you.”

Unable not to, Jo smiled. “There’s no need. I’m most grateful for this reprieve. My mother can be…a bit trying at times.”

Grinning, the young man leaned forward, his brown eyes full of amusement. “If yours is anywhere near as determined at finding you a husband as mine is at finding me a wife, then I assume your assessment of her character is an understatement.”

Jo laughed as a strange lightness came to her heart. One she had not felt in many years. “You would assume right, my lord.”

He shook his head as though to chastise himself. “Forgive my manners,” he said, straightening with a hint of mock formality. “I’m Brendan Pearce.”

“Lord Kenwood?”

A frown drew down his brows, and yet, there was a hint of pleasure in the way he looked at her. “You’ve heard of me? Do I need to be worried?”

“Not at all,” Jo assured him, the corners of her mouth straining upward yet again. “It is only that my mother has you on her list of possible suitors. Consider this a warning. If she were to find us here, she’d be most pleased.”

“I consider myself warned,” he replied with a smile. “And would you share your name as well?”

Jo smiled. “Of course. I’m Johanna Grey. My father is Lord Rawdon.”

“It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Grey.” After inclining his head to her, Lord Kenwood straightened, and his gaze narrowed in thought. “I believe I’ve met your father before. All he talks about is current events?”

Jo nodded. “Yes, his most meaningful relationship is with the daily newspaper. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows we live in the same house with him.” Although a part of Jo wondered how she could share such personal thoughts with a stranger, another part of her felt utterly comfortable in Lord Kenwood’s presence.

The zest for life shining in his eyes reminded her of Owen.

Lord Kenwood laughed, then offered her his arm. “What would you say to a refreshment? I promise to have your back should your mother spot us.”

Returning his smile, Jo accepted. “And I’ll have yours in return,” she replied, determined to take her grandmother’s advice and live her life free of guilt and regret.

It would not be easy, but perhaps she could take the first step tonight with Lord Kenwood by her side.

In her mind, Jo saw Owen smile at her and chose to believe that he was happy for her.

It was a comforting thought.