Chapter Eighteen − Whose Wedding Day?

Johanna spent the remainder of the day in her chamber, relieved that no one came to see her, not even Grandmamma Clarice. Everybody seemed to be otherwise occupied, and so Johanna allowed herself to mourn, to grieve for the hopes she had once had for a future that was now never to be.

Colin was gone, and he would never return.

The sky began to dim by the time Johanna brushed the last tears off her cheeks, straightened her dress and pushed herself to her feet. Even from her eastern window, she could see the far reaches of magnificent streaks of red and violet painting the sky, whispering of the night and a new day soon to come.

Surprised at how much time had passed, Johanna hastened for the door, knowing that supper would be served soon. As she hurried down the staircase, hoping her eyes were not as red-rimmed as she feared, she wondered why no one had come to check on her when she had failed to appear for the mid-day meal.

Truly, it was a day unlike any other.

Fortunately, supper passed without an enquiry after Johanna’s current state. No one seemed to notice the absence of her smile or the lack of conversation on her end. While her father, of course, was as oblivious as always, neither her mother nor even her grandmother seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. A part of Jo could not help but feel hurt.

Sleep proved elusive the next three nights as Jo tossed and turned, her mind again and again conjuring the few moments she had shared with Colin. Again, she saw the sadness in his eyes, the longing, the love. Gritting her teeth, she buried her face in her pillow lest she jump from her bed and write an ill-advised letter, begging him to return.

Not only would it no doubt have disastrous consequences, but Jo did not have any idea where to send it. Colin was truly gone no matter how much she might want him back.

“Good,” she whispered into the dark. “This way at least my weakness will not put him at risk.” And so, in the many moments that followed when Jo felt her longing for Colin grow to unbearable heights she would remind herself that she had sent him away for a reason: to protect his life.

On the fourth morning after Colin’s departure, Jo willed herself to return to her normal daily activities. She rose early, washed and dressed and then after breakfast spent an hour sitting by her window, her thoughts at least momentarily distracted by the words on the pages before her. After all, it was by far more preferable to read about another’s heartbreak than to experience one’s own.

When she closed the book and set it aside, a knock sounded on the door and Grandmamma Clarice walked in. “How are you, my dear?” the old woman asked, and her pale eyes slid over Johanna in a way that suggested she knew more than she ought to. “You look not like yourself.”

Sighing, Jo rose to her feet. “Colin came to see me a few days ago.” Long ago, Jo had learnt that there was no use in lying to Grandmamma Clarice as the old woman seemed to be like a bloodhound when it came to lies, half-truths and the like.

“I see,” her grandmother mumbled, and Jo wondered about the lack of surprise on the old woman’s face. “What did he want?”

Jo swallowed hard, uncertain if she would be able to speak the words without breaking down. Balling her hands into fists, she held a tight rein on her body, willing it not to betray her. “He wanted to marry me.” The words left her mouth in a rush, and she heaved a couple of deep breaths once they were out.

“And you refused him?”

Jo nodded.

“Even though you wanted to accept him?”

Meeting her grandmother’s gentle eyes, Jo nodded again, no longer wondering how her grandmother knew the things she knew. “It is better this way. Safer.”

Coming toward her, Grandmamma Clarice reached for Jo’s hands. “Life is not always easy, my dear. It is not straightforward, and our path is often hidden from us. But if there is one truth I’ve learnt in my life, it’s that when you come to be as old as I am, you do not regret the things you did.” Sighing, she shook her head. “No, you regret the things you did not do, the things you let slip through your fingers because you were too afraid, too proud or too stubborn.”

Feeling tears sting her eyes, Jo nodded. “I know, Grandmamma. I know.”

“The day will come for regrets,” her grandmother said, brushing a tear from Jo’s face, “but that day is not today. Come with me, Child, and do not fear.”

Confused about her grandmother’s last words, Jo nevertheless followed her out of her chamber and down the stairs. Again, she rubbed at her eyes, wondering if the tears would ever stop or if she had to spend the rest of her life, hiding the misery of her heart from those around her.

Stepping into the drawing room, Jo was surprised to find not only her mother and father standing by the large hearth, but also Pastor Banning. The kind, old man with the receding hair line and thick bifocals smiled at her. “Good morning, dear. How good of you to join us.”

Returning his greeting, Jo glanced from her parents to her grandmother. “Is something wrong? Are you ill?”

Grandmamma Clarice snorted in a rather unlady-like fashion. “Nonsense. I’ll survive you all.” Then she waved her hand at the pastor as well as her son and daughter-in-law. “Shall we get going? I’m not getting any younger.”

“Certainly,” Pastor Banning assured her as Johanna’s parents took a few steps back and positioned themselves a little to the side, a strange look in their eyes. Never had Jo seen her mother look at her quite like this, a mixture of joy and impatience in her gaze. At the same time, her lips were sealed shut as though she feared words might jump from her mouth that were not meant to be heard.

“What is going on?” Jo demanded, feeling an icy chill crawl up her spine. “You all are acting quite unlike yourselves.”

“Where’s the groom?” Pastor Banning enquired.

“The groom?” Startled, Jo took a step back, her gaze darting back and forth between her parents, her grandmother as well as the pastor. “What are you talking about? Is someone getting married?”

“Yes. You.”

At the sound of Colin’s voice, Jo froze, and her eyes closed as though the developments of the past few moments were simply too many to handle. Still, she could not deny that her heart danced with joy at the mere sound of his voice.

Inhaling a deep breath, Jo turned toward the door, her hand holding on tightly to her grandmother’s. The moment her gaze fell on Colin, her knees turned to water and she thought she would faint.

This could not be!

“What are you doing here?” she croaked, wondering that her mind was still capable of rational thought.

Grinning, Colin came toward her. “It’s my wedding day,” he told her, a wicked gleam in his eyes that was only tempered by the sense of apprehension that held him rather rigid. “I thought it prudent to be punctual.”

“You’re getting married? To whom?” Johanna asked as her mind echoed his earlier answer. You!

A heartbreakingly gentle smile came to his face as he reached for her hands, settling them in his own as though they belonged there. “I’m marrying you,” he whispered, his emerald eyes watchful as he waited for her reaction.

“But…I already told you…I can’t…I…” All rational thought seemed to have evaporated into thin air at the thought of the future he promised. “I can’t.”

Colin nodded. “Yes, you can. If the only reason you refused me is that you fear for me, then don’t make that mistake. I promise nothing will happen to me.” A teasing grin curled up his lips. “As you can see nothing has happened to me. Three days ago, I asked your father for your hand, received his approval and blessing and then hurried to London to procure a special license. You see there’ve been plenty of opportunities for me to…kick the bucket−”

“Colin!”

“−and yet, here I am, alive and well.” As she tried to slap him for his jesting words, he only held on more tightly to her hands, pulling her closer. “Perhaps we’re meant to be. Perhaps not. I cannot say I care. All I want is you, whether we were destined to be or not.” He inhaled a deep breath, and all humour left his eyes. “We’ve already wasted so much time, let us not waste more. The thought of a life without you already feels like a wasted life. Please do not make it a reality.”

Overwhelmed by his words, Jo felt her resolve weaken as her heart thudded wildly in her chest, reminding her of the young girl she had once been. Everything had seemed possible then, bright and promising. “But what if−?”

“There is no curse!” Colin insisted before she could finish. “What happens happens. Unless you pull the trigger or slip poison into someone’s drink, you do not have the power to end another’s life, do you hear me? Owen and…Brendan did not die because they were betrothed to you, but because…they took a wrong step, as tragic as it was. What happened was neither their fault nor yours. And I need you to believe that right now!”

Jo felt her jaw begin to quiver as though that part of her that still wanted to live life to the fullest was fighting its way to the surface. “I want to,” she whispered, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw his answering smile. Joy stood in his eyes, bright and clear and for all to see, and Jo wondered if all this overwhelmed her so because joy had been all but absent these past few years. Was she truly to continue like this? Or did she dare reach for something more?

“I can see that you want to,” Colin teased, his hands tensing on hers as he waited.

“Of course, I want to,” Jo snapped. “That was never the question. It’s only−”

“No!” Colin cut her off. “If you love me, then say yes, and to hell with everything else.”

Laughing, Jo felt tears run down her cheeks for the thousandth time in the past few days, and yet, these tears felt different. Her heart thudded with excitement, and her whole body hummed with expectation. Oh, how she wanted this!

“Yes.”

Colin’s eyes went wide. “Yes?”

Grinning, Jo nodded. “Yes.”

In the next moment, he pulled her into his arms and swung her in a wide circle that had Grandmamma Clarice jumping back lest she be knocked to the floor. Still, a deep smile stood on her face, and Johanna knew how truly happy her grandmother was for her. Deep down, Jo had no doubt who she had to thank for this. Somehow or other, Grandmamma Clarice had brought them all here together, forcing Jo to face her fear and dare to be happy again.

“Then let’s get started.”

Frowning at her betrothed, Jo teased, “Why the rush? Are you afraid I’ll change my mind?”

Colin’s brows quirked upward. “Can you blame me?”

A moment later, they all stood in their assigned places, their eyes aglow and smiles lingering on all their faces. Pastor Banning began his usual litany, and although Jo could not believe that this was indeed her wedding day, all her attention was focused on the man beside her.

With their eyes locked, they breathed as one, their hearts falling into a matching rhythm and their hands holding on to the other, a promise to share life’s trials from here on out.

For one dark moment, Jo wondered if perhaps something might happen after all to prevent their wedding from taking place, and in truth, she would not have been surprised if the earth had opened up to swallow Colin whole. But nothing happened. The world did not end. The house did not collapse on top of them. And neither did Colin trip and break his neck.

He still stood smiling before her when the words that bound them together flew from Pastor Banning’s mouth. In a moment, it was done. They were husband and wife, and Colin pulled her into his arms for a thorough kiss.

Well wishes flew from her family’s lips, and Jo turned to hug her grandmother. “Thank you, Grandmamma. Thank you so much.”

Grinning, the old woman sighed, a sly smile on her lips, nonetheless. “I only did what I thought right. No more, no less.”

“You knew better,” Johanna whispered. “I should have known that.”

Grandmamma Clarice shrugged, brushing a gentle hand over Jo’s cheek. “Well, I won’t say I haven’t been saying that all alone. But don’t worry, my dear, it’s the curse of youth. The very young do not always see what is right in front of them. You’ll see when you’re an old woman yourself.” She grinned at Colin as he came to stand beside Johanna, his left hand settling on the small of her back. “At least, now, you’ll grow old together.”

Looking at her husband, Jo drew in a deep breath. “Do you promise?”

“I promise,” he whispered and pulled her into his arms, safe and loved.

For a long time to come.