Roz
DRUMMING her fingers on the table top, Roz let out a sigh and sent a sideways glance at her phone lying next to her. No new messages or calls.
She had messed up—bad.
So bad.
She should have just answered her phone when Oscar kept calling and told him to fuck off. Now she may have lost Patrick, and the never-ending pit in her stomach hadn’t left since that night.
“Another beer?” Hannah asked, opening the fridge in Roz’s kitchen.
“Yeah.” Roz tipped back the last swallow of the one she had in her hand.
Hannah slid an unopened beer across the table to her. They were having a much-needed girls’ night of pizza and beer. Roz wanted something to get her mind clear. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She felt like a different person since she had met him, a better person, and she didn’t want to lose that.
“This pizza is delicious.” Hannah moaned, biting into another piece.
Roz had barely touched hers. She picked off a piece of pepperoni and threw it into her mouth.
“Perk up, chicà.” Hannah sent her a threatening look. “You can’t be mopey on girls’ night.”
“I know, I know. This whole thing just…has me in knots.” Roz put her hand on her stomach as if she felt the actual knots through her T-shirt.
“Why? You’ve hooked up with guys before who have had stronger feelings than you and you have always been fine when it was over.” Hannah was exactly right and that was the whole problem.
“I don’t know why this time is different.” She heard herself whining and she didn’t like it, she didn’t like any of this. She felt as if she were falling down a black hole and hadn’t seen the surface in days. She didn’t care that Oscar was out of her life, so why did this bother her so much with Patrick? She turned her attention back to Hannah. “How did the chicken soup go over?”
Hannah rolled her eyes. “I’m babysitting on Saturday so she can go out on a date.” She shrugged, her gaze cast downward. “It could have gone better.”
“I’m sorry.” Roz felt horrible. At least she had someone to be heartbroken over. Roz couldn’t even remember the last time Hannah had brought a girl around.
Hannah raised her gaze and waved a hand through the air. “It’s whatever. I was taking a risk with that one anyway.” She let out a small, forced laugh. “So, this time feels different for you, huh? Was the sex that good?” Hannah quirked an eyebrow. Roz knew she was deflecting, and she wasn’t going to push her to talk more.
“You have no idea.” Roz shook her head, feeling her heart clench at the thought of never being with him again. “It was more than the sex, though. He’s so funny and sweet and so…so…wonderful. I don’t know.” She picked at the label on her beer bottle with a fingernail. She didn’t like this vulnerable feeling that swallowed her up.
Hannah was full blown smiling at her now, a knowing look in her eye. “Have you messaged him?”
“Yeah, I sent him a text the next night.”
Hannah took a pull off her beer. “What did you say?”
“I apologized again, and I asked if he wanted to come over so I could make it up to him.”
“So, you asked him to come over for a booty call?”
Roz shook her head. “No, I asked if he wanted to come over.” That was not the same thing. She just wanted to see him and touch him.
“And offered sex?” Hannah let out a small laugh. “Honey, listen, you didn’t ask him to come over and talk this out. You didn’t message him during the day. If he wants more from this, then he does not want to be booty called.”
“But we’re so great at sex. I figured if I just get him over, I could talk to him and we could figure out what it is that we’re doing.”
“What are you doing?”
Roz looked at her, not knowing what to say. “I don’t know.” She hung her head.
“It sounds like you want more. Something more serious perhaps?” Roz snapped her head up and looked at Hannah as if she had grown two heads.
“No, no, that’s not it.” She shook her head, “It’s been too quick, and we barely even know each other. I don’t even know his middle name!” She threw up her hands. This was ridiculous, the whole idea was silly.
Hannah was still smiling wide. “Mm-hmm sure.” She took a pull off her beer, eyeing Roz the whole time.
“You’re crazy,” Roz insisted, grabbing her beer bottle with shaking hands. Why was her heart racing all of a sudden? “I just want to feel better. I hate that it’s the only thing I think about.” She also hated saying that out loud. “How do I forget about him?” Hannah looked at her with sympathy in her eyes and she hated that too.
“Are you so sure you want to forget him?”
Roz shook her head. “No, I want to see him, and kiss him and hear him laugh.” That was so unlike her. Why was she so desperate for him? “But he never responded to my message. I don’t know if he wants to see me again or not.” She felt as if she would die if she never got to see him again.
Hannah reached over and placed her hand on top of hers, giving it a squeeze. “Why don’t you try going over there and asking him that? I bet you’ll be surprised by the answer.”
“What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if I throw myself at him and he turns me down?” Saying it out loud made it really hit home for her. Was she more scared of him not wanting something more than she was of realizing she actually did?
“There’s only one way to find out.”
* * * *
Roz threw herself into work over the next few days, trying desperately to screw her head back on straight. Hannah was right and Roz needed to go see Patrick and fix this. She was just so scared of being turned away that every time she thought about it, she panicked and chickened out.
There had been another robbery reported just last night, and Roz couldn’t help but feel her being off her game was the reason they hadn’t caught the perp yet.
There was quick knock on her door before it swung open and the new young deputy, Miranda Holmes, came bursting in, a wide smile on her face.
“We got him!” she exclaimed.
Roz jumped up from her desk, and her chair rolled back into the filing cabinet behind her. “What? Really?”
Miranda nodded enthusiastically. Her ebony ponytail bounced behind her. “Yes! They just brought him in!” She rushed back out just as quickly as she’d rushed in.
Roz couldn’t believe it. They got him. Finally.
This was the moment she normally lived for. Justice served. Why didn’t she feel as relieved as she thought she would?
She had been waiting months for this moment, and now that it was over, she still felt restless. A niggling voice at the back of her mind knew why she felt that way. She had tried to tamp it down, but it just grew louder. There was only one way to feel better.