JULIAN, It is not that. That wasn't the making of it. It's the unmaking. It is the unmaking of us. It is not that I am talking about: I am talking about us. About the soundless sleep at 10 a.m. with no nots for there were no yeses—only a dream and a dream is only a beginning and then we might say we were. About breakfast if quite breakfast, about walking out afterward for then we were. It is this and this I am talking about. Oh it isn't a world for scissors, for mallets; but for needle, thread and for paste: it is such a world for we were only being yes apart, not together, and that is the making of it. The making of us. Take the nights you would and I would not. That was a night and they were nights. That was when we found out about the making of it since each night was unmade usually and we were unmade and yes sometimes surely with sharp words and so we were going on. And then. There was an unmaking of it, it being we. We were not, not either, not all, not together, not apart and it is discouraging but it is good too for I am loving him, I am finding out again with someone entirely different oh so much so that there is nothing now but the writing of it. So here.
KAREL.
ON his way to Theodosia's Julian felt that he had captured the myth and had not been captured by it.
She sat on the side of the bed with her eyes still big for him, wearing a cream-colored gown and Japanese slippers embroidered with birds. He sat in the chair and she got up from the bed and kissed his hair, forehead and eyes. The phonograph emitted music by Brahms.
I want you to live with me he said.
She went to the window and stood with her face to it.
It was bad to him that she must cry so he stood behind her and put his hands on her soft breasts.
She asked him to kiss her so he did. Kiss my breasts too she said. They were perfumed with jasmine which was sweet.
No he said.
She asked him hadn't he ever kissed a woman's breasts and he said no. She said she wanted him. I want you so much.
He wasn't frightened as he had been before and told her he hadn't any contraceptives with him. But you'll leave here today.
She told him yes she would.
I'll help you pack. Are you hungry? he asked.
Yes she was hungry.
He went to the typewriter in the front room while she dried her eyes and dressed.
abcd adam and eve in your own words adam pressed eve to his warmest breast and she thought whence came the fire to warm this nest whence came the bird between my breasts the red bird with the flaming crest adam told eve to lie down quietly quietly where the summer was a withheld sigh he told her to shut her eyes and not to peek and he would lie beside her and whatever came she must not arise she must not arise then to her mind came memory of the brook came memory of its chuckle and its clear fresh water and the trees that overhung the brook and that she was their daughter... but adam's hand was moving in a strange way and she must not arise and the trembling in her ankles came up to her flanks came up to her middle and the pain that still rankles broke into her mind but lying beside adam she must not arise... with eyelids pressed together tight she wondered how the clouds looked moving in the unseen skies she wondered when adam would tell her to arise but she had just as soon lie with adam this way for the pain was not so great and if he weren't so heavy she should like him to stay till the dawn bit the hill till the trees bent over saw themselves in the water with the trailing clover...
Theodosia came in and said she was ready. Julian rolled the paper out into a wad. Where to?
Let me see...
How about the Coop?
I've never been to it.
Do you want to go?
I'll try it.
They walked there. Inside were murals showing Lenin, Marx and square bodies. The tables were filled with the usual communist crowd: young women with straight foreheads, low heels and obvious breasts; younger or older men with open or closed collars and their own hair. Some talked loudly, others listened. Julian and Theodosia had a tray each and passed beside the food on steam-tables or ice. Their selections included sauerkraut and wieners, one salami sandwich on rye bread, apple pie with whole-wheat crust and hot tea in glasses.
Theodosia saw Herbert Rector, a communist poet, sitting at a table alone. Once she had been nearly lost in the black jungles of his eyes. Let's sit with Rector she said. Julian followed her and was introduced.
Rector said he was thinking of starting a vicious, academician-smashing magazine, if he could get the capital.
But why? Julian asked him. Why should another such magazine exist after all?
Why should you exist? asked Rector.
But I'm not asking you Julian said to account for your birth or anyone else's. Rector looked across the other tables intensely.
They sat and ate and sometimes when Julian would not be too inconspicuous he let them know what it means not to desire being conspicuous avidly.
As to Theodosia, no other way there was to think as much as this, besides being she knew enough to know that there was some justification for her opinions in that they might not be precisely the right ones but were somewhat. She said she had finished the first act of the rewritten version of her play, Artists and Lovers. There is all the difference as that between a Rolls Royce and a Chevrolet in Peggy Joyce's eyes—one of them just can't be imagined she said.
What are you doing tomorrow night Julian? asked Rector and was sorry as soon as he had said it.
I'm to talk in a symposium on prose and poetry —their past difference and their modern trend in the blending.
Who invented such a subject?
Sam Slat.
You know those meetings Theodosia said of enlightenment to cellar, attic and otherwise dwellers.
Oh well Julian said and got up. The afternoon sun is bronze and reminds me of Daddy Browning. Bye-bye Herbert. Theo, darling, are you coming?
They walked out, necessarily haltingly, and went back to Theodosia's, where they put all her books in a box, and clothes and things in two suitcases. The typewriter and portable phonograph also had to be taken. After she paid the landlady they took a taxi to Third Street and passed Mr. Simon eating clams from a wagon on the corner.
Theodosia seemed very happy in a troubled way. Julian felt so low he felt in a lower-case mood. If he had one thousand he thought dollars in bills he would burn them and say I'm an Eskimo without a jacket. Ho hum he said.
I love something Theodosia said and sat on the couch. Give me a cigarette dear.
Julian lit one for her and felt her hair and said you have a beautiful forehead.
Yes?
Yes. (It must be you life and poetry and someone living uptown for me.) In a paramount way of speaking he said. He thought perhaps an attitude of reverence and personal insufficiency might be very appropriate when considering the project of making a beautifully educated mistress. Anyway the charm of the perfect effect he was creating on her must have intoxicated him or something for he found himself kissing her madly. She clung to him, not unfiatteringly.
Do you love me? she said. I wonder we might do so many things we might.
He picked up a copy of a review published abroad with photographs of the editor which made her look ugly as a tortoise and reminded him of the priceless photograph of dear Gertrude which was in another magazine. She looks as though she had just been hatched from a dinosaur's egg in the middle of the desert he said.
Yes Theodosia said from the heat of snakes.
Are you not perfect he said.
She told him she loved him and wouldn't they cook their own meals. And we'll work like hell too won't we darling? We'll get some things done. She said her life had been made up mostly of shocks—up to now.
Even in San Francisco?
You know that, dear.
Yes he remembered.
You were everywhere in the room: there was the chair in which you sat, the glass from which you sipped at cocktails, the cigarette stubs that had touched you. You were everywhere in the room: there were the books you opened, the air you breathed, the mood you had evoked you who went cooly.
(Emotional, yes.)
What is there to say? Looking up from my typewriter I find that the day is blue as blue as sapphires on the throats of blue-veined women.
(Did he mind her writing this? She wanted to tell him these things for he never telephoned and called once a week which was 'lots'.)
I am happy this morning. I am walking on silver and roses. I am filled with surging life. I am youth walking beneath gold stars. I am a shell filled with scarlet wine. For this, and for walking in white morning, I shall have to pay with death. I do not mind.
(Why did he misunderstand and hurt her? Well, why should she have her breasts turned always to the stars? They should have their breasts turned always to her.)
You will forget to hate me some day after. It is like crawling on one's knees on stone to an empty temple... until you turned and unclosed the blue depth beneath your eyelids... dear god... HUNGER.
(Yes, over.)
That I did not know that hunger could do this... who have known such hunger... My heart shan't burst nor my body burn to nothing nor the world crack because of this... We shall all go on but only tonight I am a white agony burning for your sake.
(He was sorry.)
I wondered if you were real or merely the image the eternal image of love staring at the mesh of moonlight staring and thinking and talking with death... Hunger for you beating at my brain like madness and weakness sucking me downward into a deep blue pool.
(He came and sat.)
It is better now I can hate you, you must not come Thursday, you must not come ever again selfish selfish person. Thank God that I so thoroughly hate you that I can't finish this.
(That wasn't all.)
And the day grows whiter in the sun's path. It means nothing. Thank God for a door and a key while under my eyelids a thousand dreams make a new ballet. Here is the place where he said so tenderly. My strange two-edged heart keeps talking. Dear God there can't be but one sin that that is to hurt, knowingly hurt, another heart.
(Wearisome and tedious is this business of mirroring the mind.)
I believe now that I will surely live until summer. This morning is beautiful and last night the cool sea wind beating the palms and grasses blew across my fevered face and I was glad. I dreamed again. I remembered dancing to Chopin's music in silver and starlight with a tragic Pierrot on whose lips were lies but whose dancing was swift music. I remembered beauty and too much laughter and always music, a perfume, a Strauss waltz, a yellow sweater-suit with small yellow suede slippers, and cafes where I dreamed, and small poems that I wrote. Eyes of men I loved. I remembered childhood and April when I was a child, a stiffly starched little May queen in a convent and the wind blowing the colored ribbons. I remembered little girls' lips kissing me after the Maypole was wound, my face flushed and laughing, thinking life should always be like that. But now I have lived too close to death to care for anything: if that were so certain that you could not say the word before others for fear that they might misunderstand and pity you, if you had to keep yourself just so, and sensitised for the death that is taking you and, weak as the body is, to above this wear a personality and talk with people, then would you not perhaps, having been born strange and having lived too much, would you not gently despise the world, and would you not if you had met someone you loved (love being all tangled with the dream of desire), being young in some dim corner where death hadn't invaded yet, and if that person would give nothing of his life, and if he did not desire you, then, my dear, if you had so little of physical strength, would you want it to go out in hopeless hunger, would you not earnestly implore him not to come back, would you not have written everything to him, that he would not come back.
LIFE with Theodosia was much as Julian expected it to be. She was harder, more sophisticated than she had been in San Francisco. She paid the rent and her passion was not so lyrical, and he was grateful for both. What she would have called mistakes two or three years ago were now simply touches of libido. However, she was not unfaithful which may, also, have been gratifying but was nevertheless inconvenient.
He didn't have to but his mind had to. His mind had to because he wanted to. He was looking at her roaming around her body. I am you are he was. Forgive and forget are both bad words because they have grown together and thus become impossible. Beckoning is the same as becoming.
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is grand and must be complete with Louis I wonder.
Theodosia was reading. Julian was lying on his back and heard her voice: Wyndham Lewis says that a page of a servant-girl novel smashed up equals a page of Gertrude Stein.
What Julian said Mr. Lewis means is that he thinks Miss Stein is purely negative, but he has no better word for the behavior of the organism than negative; Miss Stein is writting or walking. In one way these are the same. In neither case is she smashing the pages of a servant-girl novel.
Theodosia was pleased. Suppose we go dancing tonight at the Tavern.
I don't care.
We'll go in just a hair. The washroom mirror showed her face with the light good on it.
Julian seldom looked at his face anymore. Or body either, for baths made him thin. He supposed he was still beautiful. Gabriel told him as much the other day but Gabriel still wasn't invited to Third Street for Theodosia hated him she told Julian. Other people too were discouraged with looks when they knocked and were admitted. Just once, since Theodosia had moved in, a crowd gathered, about twenty people. While they were all sitting around there was a terrible crash of glass, one of the windows; it didn't all come down and some of them rushed out and found a stone, heavy enough to kill a person, wrapped up in brown paper and on the paper was a note: dear julian you'd better
CLOSE UP THE PLACE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE WE'RE
sorry for the lady but. Some had their arms in their coats and were persuaded to stay. No more stones came in. Frederick Spitzberger was there and after he had recited a poem, a communist, rather innocent looking with short arms and everything else short perhaps for that matter, got up and started without equivocation and with much authority in his tone to talk about poetry as a secondary sexual characteristic; in other words that poets write to attract the opposite sex or some sex and as he went on one of the things he said six times, for he was long on repetition, was that poetry began when women started to menstruate (which rather upset Theodosia). Everybody expected Frederick or Julian to get up and say something and so Julian did but they thought him much too human. He was solemn about it and pointed out how he was sure it was his envy of the social confidence of poets that had caused the young man to speak, and that it was his communistic frustration, an inability to find the proper social outlet, that had caused him to envy something that seemed successful and yet which he had to condemn as inferior because such talent was entirely denied him. Julian said communists regret anything definite, they are all so hazy. Then the young man got up and started talking again and after admitting he hadn't really been serious in many things he said, which was a lie Julian thought, he dragged out a lot of facts and too familiar and accepted theories and then Frederick got up and intoned at him you are the type whose seriousness is its one vice. Do you think we are unacquainted with all these cliches you've been divulging and what do you propose to do about the dreadful situation that there are women who don't parturite and men who fail to produce intellectual progeny. In answer to this he said tell the women to be normal and stick to what they're good for and everybody howled. So Julian got up again and almost yelled for Christ's sake is that all you can do become excited over a number of facts you haven't any idea how to readjust?... Since then there had been no more meetings.
Theodosia came from the washroom.
Shall we have something to drink first? Julian asked.
Yes let's go to Frankie's.
What about the French place?
It's cheaper at Frankie's and they have a radio.
That doesn't help the depressing air of the dump Julian said. He helped Theodosia with her coat and put on his own.
They crossed Macdougal Street and saw Gabriel who didn't say hello. Steps led down into the big basement of Frankie's, a place of dim lights, bare walls, and a floor scattered thinly with sawdust. Four people played cards at a corner table. Theodosia knew one of them, a poet who once captivated her with his voice loving sonnets by Cummings; because he played cards with the customers at Frankie's he got his drinks free. Julian and Theodosia sat at a table by the opposite wall. They ordered white wine, which Julian paid for, fifteen cents a glass, with money Theodosia had given him. They had two more glasses apiece and were on their fourth when Vivian came in. She was alone and looked very young. She stood in the doorway until her eyes hit Julian, then slowly and stiffly, with one elbow bent, she walked to his table. Her smile looked as if it had been attached. She said softly hello and Julian said hello.
You are not so beautiful now but you are still beautiful she said, standing by the table. Theodosia took a sip of wine and looked at her.
Yes? Julian said and smiled.
She said yes and walked archly and slowly, with the cocaine in her, to the table where the card game was going on.
The wine had been paid for in advance so they got up and climbed the steps out of there.
When they entered the Tavern Santiago was dancing the whip dance in a red light. Rose came up shushing and pointed to a table with seats for them. It was crowded.
Quite a few from the busses tonight Julian said to Rose.
Listen our customers are not from the busses she said.
Julian saw K-Y and Windward, also Osbert with his lips hanging at Santiago's dancing. Word was going around that this was Santiago's last night at the Tavern because Rose said People were beginning to Talk. His whip dance went a little too far as a demonstration. Of course Rose didn't know, but it looked to her (and others) as if sex played too large a part in it, considering the expression on his face and his exhaustion (momentary) at the end of it. Julian liked the dance—the way the whip cracked and his heels clicked and one hand caressed his oiled curly black hair. Rose was a dolt. But it embarrassed some not to applaud.
The negro at the piano played next for everyone to dance but the floor was too small for everyone at once. Julian and Theodosia danced together.
Santiago was sitting by K-Y and Windward said to him you frighten me. Santiago asked him if he had ever tried the Mammoth Caves... It was long enough after K-Y's abortion for her to drink so she was drunk. She was looking at Theodosia. Do you all want a drink? she called to Julian.
We'll see you after this piece Julian said.
You're damn right K-Y said.
When they were together Julian was sitting by Santiago and Theodosia next to K-Y. Rose came over and told them they were making too much noise and that two Russians of the aristocracy wanted to meet Julian and his dancing partner. Julian was not interested but Rose insisted and got him to get up with Theodosia.
Come back you hear K-Y said.
The Russians were very polite and gave them chartreuse to drink and they ate chicken sandwiches and drank gingerale with them. They wanted to know could Julian and Theodosia join them after 3 a.m. and go to another place to drink. Julian said thank you we'll see.
The piano man was playing.
Julian said you will excuse us. He danced again with Theodosia. When they were by Windward's table K-Y told them to sit down and have a drink.
What have you got?
Harlem rye. K-Y insisted that they sit down.
Mrs. Dodge with dark purple eyelids had joined the group, blinding everyone with the neck of her dress, a wide band of brilliants. She was laughing loud at Santiago who had just asked her if she had ever done anything with her breasts besides let them hang. He means have you ever had it between them Julian said. She liked Julian very much.
Osbert was in a corner booth, angry and drunk. After a minute he got up and went out. Mrs. Dodge looked at Santiago.
Let him go Santiago said. He bores me when he's drunk.
K-Y, while pouring drinks for everyone, was talking close to Theodosia's ear and Theodosia was fascinated.
Windward was thinking why wasn't he in Harlem for he loved beautiful negresses.
Jesus I'll be wild drunk mixing drinks Julian said.
No you won't darling Mrs. Dodge said. I'll take care of you.
I'll take care of him Santiago said. That's my charm.
Windward, feeling that he was being ignored, took the pint bottle from under the table and drank from it the rest of the contents. Then he flung it towards the pianist's back and it crashed against his head, scattering all over the dance
floor.
K-Y screamed and people screeched and talked and Rose rushed over belching and the place was in a hubbub. Many were leaving and a small mob was in front of the hat-check window.
Julian was separated from the others and he was in it. He meant people and politics and awful ideas and people and muscles and chastity and fear and people and print and sometimes he felt as though he could do without the people. When he was finally on the sidewalk outside with his coat and hat he saw K-Y and Theodosia together, saw them jump into a taxicab and leave. Windward was not in sight.
Mrs. Dodge and Santiago emerged and came up to Julian and Santiago said where shall we finish it?
Julian said come to my place there's some gin.
Mrs. Dodge hailed a taxi and the three got in. When they reached Third Street she paid the driver while Julian unlocked the door to the studio.
Come on in and undress he said.
Mrs. Dodge said please and Santiago took off his blouse.
Julian put a bottle half full of gin on the table and said goddamn her.
Ah ha Mrs. Dodge laughed.
You all sleep here Julian said.
Mrs. Dodge took off her clothes. She was short and fat and glowing. All three were nude. They got in bed, Julian between them.
You're the only sissy I ever loved Santiago said to him. He's the only sissy I ever loved Santiago said to Mrs. Dodge. He put his arm around Julian who moved closer to Mrs. Dodge. Damn you he said and hit Julian, but not hard, on the top of the head.
Be nice Mrs. Dodge said.
Julian's eyes and lips were closed.
Be nice now.
Santiago got out of bed and poured himself a drink. He went in the kitchenette for some water. He came out with a glassful and dashed it in Julian's face.
Julian didn't move.
Don't be a stinker Mrs. Dodge said to Santiago.
I'm leaving he answered. He put his boots and blouse on and slammed the door behind him.
But you are aren't you? Mrs. Dodge asked Julian. But you are aren't you? but you are aren't you?
THEODOSIA returned the next day. After she had stacked her things in a taxi, after much crying, after blue and brutal words and no kisses, she left. Julian was surprised that he should feel pain about it because he had felt joy at what he had decided to have happen. So he stood by the door that dropped to the sidewalk. Then she could see him standing there and looking at her as she drove away with her love wetting her handkerchief. He stood with a drained face, his hands behind him on the doorknob, and said good-bye. It didn't exist any more if it had ever existed and a quick over was better.
Oh damn you good-bye Theodosia cried and beat one hand on the glass behind the taxidriver for him to go; with the other hand she put her handkerchief to her nose.
Julian shivered and went back inside. He found a cigarette butt and lit it. Theodosia had been thoughtful and for a time not gauche. He felt hollow in his stomach. He must hurry.
Through Gabriel he had learned that Karel and Louis had moved from 4Qth Street down to I4th Street. He even knew the number on
Street and he must hurry for he felt a hollow place in his stomach. When will my soul arise and say to me now aren't you glad you've kept me all these years. That is will it ever. If only I had been born as ugly as Bernard Shaw or as old as Thomas Hardy then there would have been no alternative: I should have had to be a genius.
He walked along Fifth Avenue and thought if he should really meet, actually MEET President Hoover on his way he would say, oh well what would he say except: I am what I am and I would for the price of a suit and overcoat and would you throw in a hat, please, Mr. Hoover?
He was going mad he firmly believed. Even in Paris and Berlin he thought there would be repetitions. Was he beginning to decay or what? His blood he felt was many engines; his heart was chasing them.
At the number on i4th Street he turned into an unlighted hall and stairs with the carpet gone. He looked at the names by the telephone and found they lived in room eleven. At the turn of the staircase stood a chair of almost antique workmanship which he didn't feel tired enough to sit in.
He knocked on door n. No one answered. Knocking again he said Karel,—Louis,—it's Julian, open up. He heard the bed squeak and the bolt slide back; the door opened; the lights were on. My God he said walking in, with this wall-paper one couldn't help thinking of Shelley. Karel had opened the door for him. He looked at Karel and wondered how long since he had combed his hair and saw that his eyebrows looked neglected too.
Take your coat off and sit down Karel said unsurprisedly. He has the balls of his eyes left Julian thought iris pupil and all but what has happened to his eyelashes?
Louis, who was sitting by the table with notebook and pencil, didn't acknowledge him. His hair was almost as long as Karel's but it was coarser. He threw his smoking cigarette on the floor and stepped on it.
Julian said I'll keep my coat on I'm here just for a minute.
Theo, where is she? Karel asked.
Why shouldn't he have heard about the beginning if not the end. I don't know. I'm not living with anyone now.
Things do become don't they Karel said.
Louis got up and looking at Karel said I'm going out for coffee.
Remember that's our last fifty cents until I get a check from the Post Karel said.
He's a monster I couldn't possibly worship thought Julian.
Louis asked him if he didn't know by this time that he got coffee when he wanted it. He picked up his overcoat.
Wait a minute said Julian give me a cigarette.
Louis gave him one of the two left.
Are you keeping up with your rent here?
We've been in this room part of the week and owe for half of it in advance Karel said.
Don't worry about the rent said Louis I've got an idea.
So have I Julian said; why don't you all move in with me? You can have the bed on the floor and I'll take the one on the balcony. We'll each pay a third of the rent. It won't be much.
Karel looked at Louis and then at Julian.
I don't care Louis said.
Karel raised his shoulders and his underlip, then let the shoulders fall.
We'll get out now Louis said and take this mirror. There was a long mirror on the wall above the washbowl.
No, no said Karel.
Sure, we'll take the fucking mirror.
Why not the mattress? asked Julian.
Leave the mattress Louis said.
And the mirror. Pack what you have to pack and leave with me. Now Julian said.
Karel pulled his two battered suitcases from under the peeling white-enameled bed. They contained old manuscripts and a few dirty clothes. He added some books and toilet articles and that was all.
They walked down the steps, making as little noise as possible. The landlady lived on the floor above; she was caught peeping through the keyhole on the second night of their stay and this gave them an advantage; hence the balance due on the rent.
Louis wanted to take the ancient chair to sell it but they wouldn't assist him. Outside he said let's get a taxi.
But—
He raised his hand for one and they rode to Third Street; he gave the half-dollar to the driver. In the studio he continued on a poem he was writing when Julian intruded.
Karel had been reading Cummings* play which he had seen at the Provincetown theater. He took the book from one of the suitcases. The most important event in American literary history of the last decade he said is the fact that Him was produced a few hundred yards from Washington Arch, New York City.
Louis closed his notebook and said Cummings is the only comic poet America has ever had. He's made underdone meat seem tender.
Julian was making coffee behind the partition. America doesn't know how to be comic he called; it knows only how to be Freudian. He was thinking anyway he might like Louis if he didn't like Karel better.
When the coffee was strong enough to drink someone knocked. Louis guessed the place was popular as ever.
It's only beginning Karel said going to the door and opening it when he saw Herbert Rector outside.
Greetings were given and Herbert wanted to know what Karel was doing that night besides composing effeminate poetry.
I shall write an open letter to you and send it to the New Masses Karel told him.
Is that so? How about speaking in a symposium, the three of you, on political liberty and the artist?
Where?
At the Round Table. I'm chairman. How about it?
Julian demurred, being more timid than he appeared.
Louis said he wouldn't speak without a fee but why don't you speak Karel?
You'd let a cow's tongue lick your ass for a fee wouldn't you? Herbert remarked to Louis.
I might speak said Karel.
O. K. Be there not later than nine. I'll depend on you.
Very well.
Julian invited him to have coffee with them but he declined with a gesture and left.
I am waiting for the day Louis said when I can destroy all definitions.
But until then said Karel they are the most that matters.
I think I'll write a novel tonight Louis said. I could write it in one night and sell it tomorrow.
Yes Julian said this is an age in which talent is readily encouraged and unwise talent corrupts the economic situation... Which is the worse, physical or spiritual suffering?
Physical is the most immediately intolerable Louis said.
Karel started typing his paper for the symposium.
Louis said don't you know the dopes that go to the Round Table are looking more for social than intellectual stimulation?
Yes Karel told him but I want to find out if by now I'll be neglected as a spectacle; and don't think it will be a naive one.
There's hardly a demand for spectacles in America now. There's a demand for nothing but reassurance.
It was beginning to be dark inside so the candle on the table was lighted and the amber globes turned on. Karel, sitting on the couch, typed by the floor light.
Everyone was silent until he finished typing; then the covered glass on the door was tapped and Julian looked out. He saw a fat man wearing a derby. The man nodded without speaking. Julian didn't know him. Who in God's name is this he said letting the curtain fall and telling Karel to look.
What! Karel was excited and said he would see. He had put on a dressingrobe and his hair was disordered and covered his ears. He looked at the man, who had tapped again as soon as Julian dropped the curtain back. Karel didn't know him either. The man raised his hat politely and said through the glass may I come in madam?
This isn't a tea-room Karel said and covered the window. There was more tapping.
Let me take a look at him. Louis went to the window. What the hell do you want? Louis saw him take a gallon jug of wine from under his coat.
Let me in. I won't stay long he pleaded.
Let's let the sap in Louis turned to them. He's got a whole gallon of wine.
Karel protested but Julian said it was all right with him.
He was admitted, looking and puffing.
Please! Julian said and decided to drink as much wine as he wanted. Take off your drags dear. What's your name?
I'm an old son-of-a-bitch.
Karel covered his ears.
Louis wrinkled his eyes and said let's have some wine and reached for the jug.
Stop I'm taking this home to my childless mother. For medicinal purposes. He was serious and completely ugly.
You wouldn't be mean would you? said Julian and touched his double chin. The man's hand strayed and Julian jumped back. Stop you
bastard.
That's right. Call me a bastard please. I'm a son-of-a-bitch!
Julian fetched glasses from the kitchenette. Here pour us some wine, Annie.
He poured out four glasses almost full. There. He toddled over to the couch hugging the jug which was placed between his feet. He looked like the president of a Merchants & Farmers Bank. Come sit down he said holding out a fat hand to Karel.
Kiss my foot! said Karel, pointing his toe.
Call me a son-of-a-bitch.
You son-of-a-bitch!
They all tittered except the guest who seemed content enough. Contented people don't laugh.
Give us some more wine Julian said holding out his glass.
For a kiss, my dear.
Degenerate! Julian said. Pour the wine first. His glass was refilled carefully.
I want some too! Karel stamped his foot.
No.
Karel gave him a light slap on the head. Give me some! His glass was filled again.
Louis extended a glass asking if he was to be left out.
Here. That's all you can have.
Louis said to the health of him.
To universal castration said Julian.
Karel said to beauty, thy name is too good to be true. He went to the washroom to apply a little powder, followed by the old man who forgot to pick up the jug. Julian made for it, poured himself and Louis a glass each and left refilled Karel's glass on the chest of drawers.
Karel stumbled out with the man behind him. I've been insulted. He turned to his would-be seducer. Listen fuck-mouth keep your hands off me unless you intend to marry me.
I'm leaving. His suitor was contrite.
What a mess-face you turned out to be. Julian and Louis were tickled. Get on out then and next time you come bring fifty dollars. Julian helped him with his coat and jug.
Bye-bye now.
He went.
How sickening fools are sickening!
What putridity.
The time the time.
Almost nine.
You two are coming aren't you?
Julian said he might as well that beggars can whistle.
It's late said Louis.
It may be a little late for friends but it's never too late to destroy your enemies. I know just what I'm going to say.
We haven't eaten Louis said.
There'll be sandwiches and coffee.
Julian with wine was ready for any place except bed by himself. Get ready and let's fly.
They entered the Round Table just as Rector was announcing the second speaker in the symposium.
Julian saw Gabriel at a table with Frederick. Karel didn't want to sit with Gabriel but Frederick screamed for them all to come over so they went.
There was a crowd.
The speaker was interrupted several times by the sound of Frederick's voice whispering things in a tone that carried to Karel or Julian. When he was through he glared at Frederick who was accustomed to being glared at. Frederick had been reciting an incident that happened on the subway that evening; he was sitting with his usual acquired aristocratic dignity and gradually became aware of the adjacent woman staring at him, how long she had been staring he didn't know. He turned to her and said why how do you do, you look so much worse since your accident. What do you mean? she said. You must have been in an accident to have a mug like that Frederick said. I'LL SLAP YOUR FACE YOUR DEPRAVED THING YOU came from the woman in a loud hysterical voice. Frederick had turned his eyes away and tried not to notice the agitation among the other passengers.
Rector announced that Karel was the next speaker and Karel got up. He began:
I am glad, in a way, that I was asked to contribute to this symposium on political freedom, because it struck me when I was asked, first of all: I did not have anything to say on the subject; and then: I might have something to say, for after all political reality may govern more of each of us than most of us take the trouble to consider— I mean of course that politics, which is socially determined, may have more effect on our personal lives than we give its civic, state and national agents credit for—and by 'we' I mean those of us who have felt that a personal life, intelligently conducted from within, is about the most that may be done for the individual...
Will you have this light cut out Mr. Chairman it's shining in my eyes... thank you.
The adorable Kareletta Frederick giggled.
He continued:
On the face of it, I am not concerned one way or the other about political freedom, because I have been accustomed to think of myself as an individual and not as a member of the mass of society. I feel that I am as 'free', in the ethical sense, as the limitations (that is, the inherent limitations) of the individual permit me to be. I can never govern myself perfectly, because I am a mechanism full of defects, and when I do not think of myself as a mechanism, I am aware of my inability to reach the ideal state of spiritual serenity.
Frederick wondered to Julian where Karel's
feather fan was.
However, the idea of political freedom must open for anyone the vista of a kind of Utopian existence, where one is free because his fellows are also free. We realize of course that political freedom for the mass and therefore for the individual signifies in theory the official power of the mass of the people to control its social destiny, presumably with more satisfaction than the existent system of government provides.
Of course, this is familiar ground, because we all know what the minor political parties such as the communists and the socialists are fighting for: a new system of government, and, as I have just explained, the obvious interpretation which we give the phrase, political freedom, is the right accorded by legislature to the mass of the people to govern itself—that is, to see that it is governed in a superior manner than that in which it is now governed.
I said at the beginning that the reason my second thought prompted me to say something on this subject is that, notwithstanding the way this phrase was intentionally put tonight, or may be put at any time, it may be interpreted to mean something more immediately significant to every individual—strange as it may seem—and I come to a conclusion different from what my impulse intended.
Now before going any further I want to say that I don't doubt for a moment that the economic handicap, which communism proposes to dispel, is a very important one—it is above all important to such as I am, the artist, who, if he is really an artist and is not especially lucky, leads a hand to mouth existence. I even grant that a successful application of some new theory of government may relieve nearly all the civilized world of what is known as the economic burden. I even grant that this theory might be communism, when it has come to be understood and not reviled by rabid prejudice.
Bur—I am convinced that for most of us—for all of us I may say who are aware of the possession of a soul—the secret of political freedom does not lie in the removal of our economic difficulties.
Thus, I posit that man is not concerned primarily with the conceptual realization of his material welfare but with the conceptual realization of his spiritual welfare. Accordingly we may reason that it is when a man feels most like a well-fed pig that his spiritual responsibilities should occur to him with the most force. Perhaps to some of you this idea of spiritual responsibility may seem almost comic if you have had the ill fortune as I have had to go hungry for a day; at such a time the solution to all enigmas seems a thoroughly good meal...
(Applause from a run-down looking individual in the rear.)
but upon reflection this notion will be found to be childish—
(Laughter and necks craning at the abashed applauder.)
The artist, whose mental activity goes at a greater rate of speed than the mental activity of anyone else, finds absent meals, bedless nights and overcoatless cold are merely incidental; he can think just as sharply and rapidly in a cold doorway as he can in a steamheated room after a heavy meal—in fact, if his physical being is thoroughly comfortable he may be inclined to nap rather than to think. I don't think any artist, at bottom, resents his past unhappiness in the material world; his critic's sense of detachment saves him from such a nostalgia. What the artist may resent is the pettiness of other men, who cannot realize that at a very minimum sum all his needs may be taken care of—and still the affluent man, through his stupidity or selfishness, withholds this sum. Yet this resentment that the artist holds is momentary; it is the result of a circumstantial thing which will not, in the last resolution of experience, affect his work, if he has a pound of good luck.
I cite the artist's attitude to show merely that any acute man will reason that activity is the secret of accomplishment—to speak vulgarly: if we do not move, we will not get anywhere; and, at least, when we are in physical want, action becomes assured, because it is necessary.
Any artist, of course, prefers leisure to a routine of eight hours a day, the absence of which is leisure to him. All of us, in fact, prefer leisure. But the work of the world must go on. It is really, to the ordinary person, his economic obligation, which he cannot escape in some way, which chains _ him to an uninteresting reality. Therefore, while this dull part of life forms an inevitable part of his being, it is to his spiritual nature to which he is compelled to turn for a refreshment of his interest in life—hence his enormous attendance at the movies and his excursions to amusement parks on Sunday.
To the ordinary person, then, political freedom may mean in pretty accurate substance an economic serenity which will give him a comfortable home, money to go to the movies every night, to go to Coney Island on Sunday, to buy a radio, and even a fur coat if such his heart desires.
But to the slightly above the average person, the means for the satisfaction of his desires are more complicated, because his desires are more complicated and potential. Political freedom for this person signifies his lonely braving of contrary spiritual elements, his gauntlet-down challenges to ideas, which may be friendly or inimical, life-giving or deadly...
Indeed, this sort of political freedom is the sort for which relatively few of us are really prepared.
Karel went back to his table. There was some applause around.
Whatever occurred after you closed your lips on the last syllable certainly throttled Gabriel said.
Well I pointed out some things that shouldn't be lost to the immediate public said Karel.
Julian turned to Gabriel saying do you know I could live in a world with only vision?
Gabriel said if I really do something dreadful in the way of living that is for my contemporaries.
A young Jew came panting over to Karel and said he must have the honor to meet personally one whose work he so admired and wouldn't he tell a few things about himself?
Well Karel said I contribute to magazines and you can get some of them at Brentano's. He would have liked to have said other things but just then Herbert reproved them for talking and since there was no more room at the table he didn't speak to the poor dear again.
After so long a time the speakers were through and coffee and sandwiches were welcomed by most.
It was sad to Frederick as it was to Julian to see that Karel's appearance was not what it used to be. But Karel was thinking of Louis turning queer so beautifully gradually and beautifully like a chameleon like a chameleon beautifully and gradually turning.
All women are fugitives Gabriel said and washed his mouth with a big drink of coffee. That is why they are fundamentally more conscious of time than men are.
All writers must have at least one fugitive piece Julian said. He looked at Gabriel's meeting in the center eyebrows and the eyes beneath were as beautiful as ever before. A man cannot want a woman and a woman cannot want a man he thought not really. He thought so looking at Gabriel.
Gabriel turned away, only his head and shoulders some. Who was in flight, was it he? Karel asked himself. Yes, he wanted to evade Gabriel and any obligation to him.
Strung along the walls were some of Osbert's paintings. Louis felt called upon to comment on them. Painting he said is blase, disingenuous, and defensive; photography is pure wonder.
He must always be commenting on something
Julian thought.
That puts too great a responsibility on the photographer Karel said. He must be himself after all.
That's cowardly Gabriel said.
You're safe anyway Louis Frederick chimed. You're not a photographer are you?
You guys ought to start taking pictures Louis answered. Photograph each other. Julian take a photograph of Frederick and Gabriel like this— but Frederick evaded the posture and said it's quite possible to faint when you chew something up. He took a piece of cheese sandwich between his teeth.
Do you feel that you have been cheated of anything in life? Gabriel asked him.
You mean feel that I have been deprived of something, denied it at birth?
Yes, or perhaps something may have happened which changed your life, something that you regret.
Well Frederick said then I may say that I have been cheated of WINGS.
I don't know how important they might be Julian said.
I don't know how important poetry is said Karel.
Poetry may have no scale of recognizable value Louis said.
In other words, it may be valuable simply as form, good or bad? from Julian.
Yes Louis said only poetry, the thing, has value and that is continuous; therefore only poetry has complete logical existence; poems are incomplete and illogical.
I don't agree with you Karel said.
Nor do I Julian said.
Louis is right said Gabriel. Poetry is the expression of a continuous state of being.
I suppose connected in some way with cosmology said Frederick.
If this were true Karel said images in poetry would be deprived of their validity; sound would render a phrase rather than a harmony—for the ultimate value of any particular experience or any of its parts would have to be related to a whole which could be communicated only by an extra-artistic technique.
In other words Louis said by an abstraction.
Yes obviously poetry is not a shadow Frederick put in.
It is rather the thing which casts shadows Karel finished.
Someone turned the radio on full blast just as Louis opened his mouth so he saved what he was going to say.
Frederick leaned over to the adjoining table and said much soap is wasted by being left on the shaving brush. The two Columbia girl students thought he was crazy and made ready to leave.
Julian went to tone down the radio and beard Karel say words are ugly and are innately regarded by men as such, but they are necessary therefore they are called beautiful. He loved Karel, he wanted him for himself, he hated Louis. But he wondered did he love him for Karel's self or an idea Karel represented; but can anyone be loved any other way?
The longer I live in the world the more I'm convinced that Christ was the most important madman we've had Frederick said and made a terrible face. He got up to go. When will you be at home? he asked Karel.
I don't know Frederick you'd better phone any time before you come. That was being mean but guardful. If Frederick was too % positive he was desirable in a room as a guest only 50 % of the time he was in the room as a guest. Karel considered this.
Frederick asked him if he were going to the drag on Saturday of next week.
No said Karel I'm not.
Julian said I'm going.
Are you darling. Then we'll go together. I must do something septic to boredom. At my age I've learned that wickedness is its own reward. All right. I'll see you at your dwelling. Good-bye said Frederick.
Good-bye.
Good night.
Money is the one indomitable value Gabriel said. The most perfect and complete thing a person can be is a charge on the community.
That is society to the point of retching Louis said.
Is it? asked Julian and is it? asked Karel, their eyes blooming like four daisies.
Julian turned to Karel asking him what he was going to do. Karel didn't know, he supposed he would go back.
Don't go back Julian said. Let's do something like getting a bottle of wine and something else nice and—
No Karel was interested enough in going to the place with Louis.
You can go there later. We'll go back together. Come on with me now will you Julian said.
Go ahead you can meet me later—let me have the key Louis said to Karel.
But I don't want to said Karel I'm not going to.
Julian thought no more of it and felt that defeat would be something he would never want to know anything about. He looked at Gabriel and said let's take a walk.
Gabriel was willing.
They left Karel and Louis sitting at the table.
Walking along they stepped over puddles for it had been raining. It was so heavy and black the sky was. Like Gabriel's hair or the heart of Julian if he would look at it, a young heart. Gabriel was the shorter and imitated the straight from side to side walk, the inconspicuous left-right balance-turn-on-either-foot of the gangsters. It was a walk that wearied the spectator because it was so deliberate. It liked itself to Julian sometimes because it was ape-like.
I admire the way you hold your head and shoulders when you walk Gabriel said to Julian unexpectedly.
Julian said where are we going? It is one o'clock again. Where ah where oh where. Where? Where.
There's a house-warming party that we could crash said Gabriel.
Julian said no.
We might drop in on Theo.
Where is she living now?
The first place she had before she went with you.
I wouldn't think of going there. Especially at this hour. Have you been to see her. Lately?
Once. She asked who it was through the door and wouldn't let me in.
Vincent and Tony may be at home.
Not those said Gabriel.
How about Harold's?
Not the subway.
Then we'll have coffee and decide. We'll make a decision said Julian and led the way into a coffee pot. They sat on stools. It was, Julian could if he wanted to remember, the coffee pot where he first met Gabriel and Louis. It seemed a long time ago to him.
They ordered coffee but before they had time to sweeten it a man sitting at a table up the aisle threw off his shirt and was unbuttoning his trousers. He was undressing. The one lady customer with her gentleman friend just had time to fly when his trousers were pulled off and there he stood. Then he sat. Not a bad sight thought Julian. His shoes came off and Julian was about ready to burst.
The people who run this place are too complacent Gabriel said.
The waiters were standing with their fingers on either side of their semi-white aprons over their hips.
Julian didn't dare look any more and said ohwo wo oohw.
Gabriel said he couldn't be drunk he must be mad.
He came down the aisle toward them. Two men across the way were just leaving. Into the vacated chair of one of them he threw his pants and said there y'are cap' and money or keys jangled in them. Gabriel and Julian hadn't any more than averted their eyes when a tall policeman came in and made a bee line toward the doubtless maniac. A huge crowd was looking in.
Julian who had meantime consumed three-fourths of his cup of coffee said let's go.
By all means said Gabriel and gulped his coffee down.
If we can do so with dignity said Julian leaving the change on the counter.
They heard the policeman ask DO YOU WANT TO GO TO BELLEVUE WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IS IT DO YOU WANT A NICE LITTLE RIDE HUH? Julian and Gabriel were right in the window and were only obstructing the view and they supposed they might be thought to be accomplices so they moved on.
Julian liked to drink, even on his last money. A few of his books were left. Those that had not been taken he had sold since Theodosia. He had money in his pocket and asked Gabriel if he would like to get some wine or a pint of gin. Gabriel said he didn't want any. Have you any more cigarettes? Go ahead and drink if you want.
He wouldn't drink unless Gabriel wanted to he thought once and thinking twice he thought he would but not back at the place so where. Single drinks at a bar were too much. Go with me to the restaurant on Barrow, the Italian one. I'll get two pint bottles of wine and maybe you'll have some. O. K.
When they got there Gabriel waited on the curb.
The bell having been rung the Italian woman admitted Julian into the hall. He told her a quart of wine in two pints and looked at himself in the mirror while she went to the rear for it.
One of the pints he gave Gabriel to carry; the other he put in the pocket of his own overcoat.
To go back to Third Street would be perhaps to find thirsty throats. They had better stop in dark doorways. Julian lit a cigarette for a chaser. Gabriel wouldn't drink. Julian took half of the wine in the bottle he held. A taste for bad wine may be cultivated like sexual perversions and any number of other dubious refinements. This fact Julian thought he had discovered hiding like a rabbit. Gabriel watched him drink more wine in other doorways but Julian couldn't tell whether Gabriel was amused or not. It was Julian's naivet6: having to have a sum of actions and reactions before he could make a subtraction. The last entrance had a dim light in it. Gabriel took his first and last sip from the second bottle and Julian finished it and felt like beauty. He couldn't know if he looked it but Gabriel touched Julian's ear and would have kissed him flatly on the mouth but Julian didn't want his mouth kissed by Gabriel. You're my intellectual lover! Julian told him and ventured to kiss his forehead. If I should die before I take I pray the Lord my soul to wake. He was with Gabriel because he wasn't with Karel. A few leaves to be eaten before the little root included Gabriel. Or the root might include Gabriel if it should not be bitter enough. Are you hungry Gabriel?
He wasn't particularly hungry.
Are you tired and hungry?
Hunger, like isolation, is a habit Gabriel said.
They were walking on uncrowded streets. Once the contents of a taxicab argued in front of a rooming house. Everything as a whole was entirely too peaceful. As they approached West Broadway Gabriel said I was standing here a week ago tonight when a woman drove an automobile by and called out 'There's a dead man on the corner!'
Gabriel didn't care Julian thought (the wine he knew had made him as drunk as it would make him) whether he was believed or not. Surely this is a calm world he said though a strange, strange one; one that ought to be less strange than it is, everything considered.
Gabriel knew that no planets need be pushed out of the way for them, nor need the laws of the constitution be revised in order for himself to practise abstinence and even rigor. Hearts other than their own needed to be emptied for them to be refilled and other haunches belabored not by themselves and aplenty.
Julian looked in through the plateglass windows of one after another cafeteria. They went in a corner one and took green tickets from an upright box that rang a bell when a ticket was taken and it was a precious thing there because if you lost one it had to be found.
What do you want? said Julian. Take some scrambled eggs.
Scrambled eggs said Gabriel. The waiter who took their order looked like a Hungarian.
Julian said and almost posed.
He might decide to kiss Gabriel even, later.
Coffee? asked the little one who was also muscular.
Two coffees!
They picked up their eggs and coffee and sat at a table near the front, Julian with his back to the cashier so he could observe the service.
Gabriel could not talk and eat too so Julian ate without saying a word other than I feel good.
Gabriel washed the last of his eggs down with coffee and said monotony is man's passion; diversion is his excuse for failure in that passion.
What is divine besides slang Julian wanted to know. I mean there are other things that are divine.
Tip the velvet.
I won't ask you what that means. It has the implications of the centuries.
One immortal saying of this century is Cum-mings': (poetry) competes with elephants and El Greco.
Julian put both elbows on the table and said I am going through a startling series of transpositions.
Gabriel turned his eyes on him. Fiction versus poetry? Love concept versus love concept? Behavior versus concept?
I must, it seems, love not people alone but people as ideas.
You are not Joan of Arc said Gabriel.
The only thing that consoles me is, well I really feel like Cinderella. You know. I'm just in that mood.
Gabriel said if you think I don't feel venomous toward everybody you're wrong. For instance, can I help it if Ernest Hemingway cannot write over my head and thus has one admirer less?
I approve of him Julian said but only because he sits on Sherwood Anderson's right hand as well as he can.
When I think of the people in the world, all of them, I begin to get saintly said Gabriel. I mean such as those who sit at tables next to you in restaurants and actually eat.
What about literature, the baggage now?
To hell with it. I don't wonder that it fails so often when people like William Rose Benet, Henry S. Canby and Amy Lowell take it up.
Oh well Julian said a lot of fairly good work is being done presently.
But I wouldn't take all of twentieth century poetry for Romeo and Juliet. The point is that everyone must have jobs and there are 99 competent milliners to one creative artist.
But people are so nice and lovely and ridiculous and monstrous and America is so Greek but doesn't know it.
To hell with Greece Gabriel continued as smug as pugnosed Socrates with his platonic carryings on.
It's easy to discover literature said Julian.
Yes but how about the time and space that Shakespeare wrestled with, his muscles standing out marvelously! Gabriel got up to get a glass of water.
Julian looked at his back and sleeves and thought I shall write more beautiful than ever poetry when I can find someone who yes I cannot live like this without lovers without them because I am not at all ambitious because it is all so casual because I have been supine. I have tried to say (he thought) I can get along without lovers with only poetry holding the image but the image itself is more important, poetry must grow out of it.
Gabriel came back with his glass full of water which he placed on the table with a crack. He had been and at that moment was contemptuous but was it so nice being wasn't it barren. Maybe I am not an artist he said but I have a stinking hunch artists are made of puppydog tails too. Look at Balzac. Gabriel knew he was talking as though there were even the least valid concept of art in life.
Julian was wondering whether he could be Helen of Troy or Cleopatra better or Juliet with a hand-picked Romeo.
Gabriel raised his eyebrows and became abstract.
Julian's first notice of him was his being seated by a table and talking confidentially to another man. He wore a cap and had black eyes. Julian saw something then that he could want badly, differently from the other tepid wants which he had already that night and morning pushed away. Something now leaped in him, forming his heart into a question mark. He looked at him without moving his eyes away.
Gabriel was brought back to Julian and became restless and said let's get out.
Listen Julian said there's someone back there I want. A worm gnawed his vitals with his heart on top of them like an imbecile's head saying 'How, how is it to be done?'
Gabriel echoed what are you going to do?
Wait! Julian said.
The man's companion left him reading a newspaper. Julian could see the cap on his head. Sometimes he saw the eyes and soon knew that he knew.
All right Julian said. He picked up his own and Gabriel's check and walked to the cashier where he turned and saw who was looking at him and so he was. He turned up the collar on his overcoat and got between the revolving doors.
Gabriel came out too. It was dawn again for him.
'Again' thought Julian is more tragic than remorse.
They walked against the wind. It was I4th Street which only the good escape.
At Union Square Julian said wait and turned his back to the wind. We'll stand here a minute.
The gray was penetrating and would have been even if it did not signify the coming of something. Those who moved by and across were like people with their mouths closed forever. Policemen and newspaper vendors, workers released from their night jobs and other workers, were starting without stopping. The gray was a coating as they waited on the corner. It fell and emanated; it settled. Taxis went slowly or waited and there was a bright peacock blue and silver one which looked like an ecstasy. He didn't stare at it, his eyes were walking along the block they had »ust traversed. Gabriel's hair was swaying.
Someone swung out of the cafeteria door. Whoever it was wore a cap and was without an overcoat. He stood a moment before coming; then he too walked against the wind. He was without an overcoat and his trousers wrinkled.
If the wind destroys him Julian thought I shall keep him inside of me. I shall be compelled to keep him continually with me if the wind destroys him. Before anything happens, I shall feel with a permanent hard desire the want of him.
Even when he was exactly opposite Julian he didn't stop and Julian turned so as to look at his back. He saw him wait for a truck to pass and put his hands in his pockets, raising his coat behind. The coat fit him tightly everywhere. Julian saw now for the first time the back of the neck above the back, higher above the buttocks, more so above the calves.
As Julian stood with Gabriel saying not a word he saw him take his feet up and put them down again across Union Square. It was no intention of Julian's to sink through the sidewalk. He saw him almost in the center of Union Square. The blue and silver taxi sounded three yards away. It was unmistakably there; Julian turned his head to see it plainly and touched Gabriel's elbow and went to it.
Gabriel followed and they got in, Julian sitting on the side next to the walk. Its nose was already pointing in the right direction.
Drive across the Square Julian said. They started flying. Slower he said.
The photograph of him came closer and would have passed through half of their bodies if Julian, whose hand had been all the time on the handle of the door of the taxi, had not said to the driver stop. It was in the middle of the Square where they stopped and directly by him with the door of the taxi opening into his face as he turned and no one was there for him to see but Julian. It was so because there was nothing to it but for him to get in the taxi and that is what he did.
Recognition on the sidewalk and recognition in a taxi are two different things. If it was not exceptionally charming that he should remember Julian from some affair it was to Julian since it made him forget grayness and almost his address. Since it made him forget the demons of annoyance and doubt.
Tell him what address Gabriel Julian said. I'll tell him: 319 West Third he said to the driver.
They rode along fast, Julian being informed that his captive worked at night and always ate breakfast at that hour and he was on his way home to bed. He had been born on an island in the Mediterranean.
My eyelids Julian thought are what are tingling most but he wouldn't have sworn to it for his whole body was. They stopped in front of what looked to him like the last place in the world anyone would take anybody and Julian paid the driver forty cents. He used his key and the three of them went in to find Louis and Karel wide awake though lying down, Louis wearing nothing, Karel having on pajamas of no recognizable color.
If he was displeased or surprised he didn't show it. He still wore his cap.
On the balcony where they went Julian found out about his hair because he took his cap off but not his clothes. He had short black hair and it wasn't very soft. He could not be persuaded to go to bed because he wanted Julian to come to his apartment on i6th Street which he shared with two others but they went to work at eight o'clock.
Julian heard Gabriel, Louis and Karel. He could hear the sound of their voices but not their words. He kissed Danny who had very white teeth and arms that closed around him. Danny wouldn't undress and he didn't want to have that done either but Julian was illicit and their lips were together so. When it happened Julian's ears grew into wings.
They came down from the balcony, Julian having promised to see him at i6th Street two days from then in the afternoon. Gabriel was missing. Karel and Louis were yet awake and looking wan. Julian let Danny out without kissing him again and locked the door. Giving Karel and Louis cigarettes he sat on the side of their bed to rhapsodize. The sun was streaming in the windows.
Louis said yes Gabriel has just told us you picked the kind that makes homosexuality worthwhile.
Julian closed his eyes and leaned on his elbow.
Karel said to Louis tell him what else Gabriel said.
Louis didn't say anything.
Karel said he wanted Louis to take a check which he saw in your wallet.
Julian sat up. It's a refund from Macy's for fifty cents!
And not only that, he suggested that Louis go through the pockets of your friend since this is Sunday and assuming he was paid Saturday night and assuming you were going to bed together.
KAREL said to Louis, after Julian had left with Frederick for the drag, you know I've been trying to keep you. They were in bed, still above death and wedged into life.
The eyes of Louis went somewhere else but directly to the point. What does that mean he asked that you're getting tired of me?
Were you ever anything about me that could make you grow tired?
Don't use that kind of language. Say what you mean.
Perhaps I choose to be subtle.
Don't be a bitch. What are you looking for? Something like Julian? You homos don't like each other.
Don't be so crude. Just because—
You've got your eyes fixed on the male symbol. Your feet get mixed up with each other's in the rush. You couldn't fall in love with each other.
That's not what I was thinking about. You have a talent for diverting the issue. I've paid homage to that. But I meant something else.
I know what you meant: you think I'm not thinking about your symbol. What gave you the idea that I was queer?
Oh—so you're not. I suspected that.
Louis smiled broadly and reached out.
Karel didn't take the embrace but said don't.
You know you like me to do it. Don't you?
Karel shrugged. Of course. Under the proper circumstances.
You guys aren't realists.
You guys are sophists.
Say, Karel, don't talk to me like that. You're talking like a kid.
You're eating an apple said Karel.
Are you trying to be funny?
Karel stared at him. I admit that you've given me... Tears came to his eyes.
Dont cry my dear Louis said. Didn't you want me to put my arm around you?
Wait Karel said.
So you don't love me any more. Well, whom have you fallen in love with?
Nobody yet.
Nobody? I should think someone around here...
So you're reconciled to the fact that I don't love you?
Louis looked at him and said listen Karel your love doesn't matter a damn. You're deceiving yourself about this business of love. If you ever imagined that you were in love with me, you were mistaken. In fact, you couldn't fall in love with anybody. You're interested in approximating something.
Approximating what?
Being a—say, why do I have to be explaining things to you? You don't like explanations.
I hate to think that I have to require them. Whatever value you give certain things, Louis, doesn't affect their existence.
What do you mean doesn't affect their existence?
I mean that you're destroying an illusion.
Louis was serious. Destroying an illusion? Yes, I am. But you ought to be above that. You're not like these other homos—you're intelligent.
That makes no difference.
Makes no difference? Well, then, why are you interested in explanations? Like all wenches, I suppose, you dont really believe in your intuitions. I realize you're imperfect.
On the contrary, I think you're quite perfect, Louis, only now you don't coincide.
Let's go to sleep!
Go to sleep. The insult was in him.
Sure, I mean go to sleep my dear.
I'm not going to sleep yet.
Not yet eh? What do you want me to do for you. Have a cigarette. Karel lit one for him. Come here Louis said.
I'm serious said Karel.
No doubt you are serious Karel.
What made you tell Gabriel and those girls that I was whoring for you?
So Julian told you that did he? Are you always so impressed with what Julian says?
Why did you say it?
I know I was wrong, but you know how it is, I wanted to make an impression on the women. But what difference does it make?
It was simply cheap and I shouldn't stand for it.
But you're not really going to let it make any difference in your attitude are you? You ought to know those cunts—
Listen, Louis. You know it's not the simple fact they think a lie about me—it's the fact that you'd tell them such a thing.
I should have remembered you're sentimental. And I shouldn't have said it.
It isn't only that.
No?
You put me in an evil position. I'm not asking for anything complicated from you.
I know you're not!
Wait! You know everything I've given I've given naturally, because it was the thing to do, but I expected natural behavior in return. For a while...
For a while you thought you were getting it— that's a characteristic conclusion.
So you mean that your behavior hasn't been natural?
No—I mean that it's natural for you to conclude that natural behavior is agreeable.
I'm not precisely in the mood for subtleties of that sort Louis.
Louis laughed.
I suppose that means you think I'm naive Karel said.
Don't be so positive about your limitations Karel. You're not naive. I can't fool you. Is your confidence waning?
There was a knock. Karel got up to go and it was Gabriel.
Oh—Gabriel Louis said.
It was Gabriel indeed thought Karel, Gabriel with a look down to the ground and then up again in a way that was no apostrophe to the world.
Who has a cigarette? Gabriel asked.
Napoleon's voice at Waterloo thought Karel yet Napoleon was a hero. Without heeding Gabriel's question he slipped over Louis into his place in bed, drawing the covers comfortably up.
Here are some Louis said reaching to the floor and handing the pack to him.
You haven't got a match have you? Karel's furtive eyes saw the bland hysterical corners of Gabriel's mouth. He could hear Gabriel walk to the couch and sit down.
Louis twisted around. Take your things off Gabriel. You haven't been to sleep so why not stay here.
Gabriel's eyes fell daintily upon the cigarette whose ashes he was depositing. His mouth assumed daintiness. No I haven't slept he said.
Get in bed then Louis said resuming his position.
Gabriel arose suddenly.
Karel was on his elbow. Gabriel he said you had better sleep on the couch.
On the couch! said Gabriel. I don't want to sleep on the couch. He had put his hand up to untie his cravat.
Oh you can sleep in here said Louis. There's enough room for him Karel, move over.
Karel looked at Gabriel's morose dislocated face. No he said. It's impossible. The couch is very comfortable. There's nothing wrong with it. I can't sleep with three in a bed.
Sure you can. Come on Gabriel said Louis jerking his head toward the bed.
Karel sat up. Louis I said no.
Come on Karel I'm going to sleep Gabriel said walking directly to them.
You'll have to sleep on the couch Gabriel said Karel.
Say are you going to argue about a bed? The eyes and the mouth were performing Gabriel.
Jesus Karel Louis said the guy's sleepy!
He can sleep on the couch Karel said and lay back.
Listen Karel said Gabriel pressing his knees against the side of the bed. I don't like your goddamn respect for beds. When they have the importance you give them they cease to be a utility and become a fairy's luxury.
You've emphasised their point for the last ten minutes Gabriel Karel said.
I've emphasised nothing Gabriel was raising his voice. I've stood for your petty values as long as I intend to, see? I'm going to get out and I'm not coming back!
Don't get yourself excited Gabriel Louis said.
Karel was sitting up. His face was as pale as Gabriel's.
I've got a place to sleep tonight. I didn't come to you guys for a bed said Gabriel his glance sweeping up to the balcony. I didn't pay you the compliment of asking for a place to sleep.
Listen Gabriel said Karel. You don't impress me with these histrionics.
Histrionics? cried Gabriel. You and your values stink! I've been on to you all along. I'm leaving here, see. I'm not going to have anything to do with you. I'm not even going to know you on the streets when I see you. But don't get in my way—
Is that so? said Karel. I know what's eating you Gabriel. You're beaten. You know who's managed this situation ever since it began and you can't stand it any longer.
Don't talk to me Gabriel said slowly his mouth stretching into a whip. You can't talk to me. I've permitted you to talk to me in the past because you fitted into a certain scheme. But beds aren't in my scheme. Say, you might as well give up poetry. What you have to say you can say in bed. You've said it in bed all along. Verse has been just a formality.
I can pass over that Gabriel said Karel. What's the matter with you is that you're a Napoleon without an army. You can't find one here, that's all.
Listen to what I'm saying Karel said Gabriel. You stink! You stink so badly that I don't want to smell you any more. I don't like the smell of your bed. It's all right as long as you don't implicate me in it. But the minute you bring your smell out on the street I'll have it disposed of. And before I go I want to wish you a forest of pricks with an ocean of glue because you'll never be able to hold them any other way!
Gabriel wheeled and went and the door came back because he made it.
IT was a long ride on the subway to 155th Street but they hadn't the money for a taxi. Frederick was not in drag nor was Julian who wore striped pants with a coat that didn't match, his black shirt with an orange tie and a slouch cap. Frederick was not made up more than usual except his eyebrows were plucked thinner but Julian had on his face the darkest powder he could borrow, blue eyeshadow and several applications of black mascara; on his lips was orange-red rouge and a brown pencil had been on his eyebrows showing them longer. He wanted to be considered in costume and so get in for a dollar less. When they arrived at the Casino Palace policemen and others were about the entrance. They passed under the canopy and went in.
I hope we don't get arrested tonight Julian said. Your judgement of my trousers is true but your moral wrong he thought, getting his ticket cheaper than Frederick who said I wonder if money will ever be as unimportant as I think it is.
They had to wind up a long gold-banistered staircase above which a terrible racket was taking serene form.
There is only one sex—the female said Frederick.
Now they are doing without beauty said Julian when he saw the first creation. It was all black lace but only stockings and step-ins and brassiere and gloves. Fanny Ward is supposed to come.
Yes my dear Frederick said. She's so young she has to learn to play the piano all over again!
The ball was too large to be rushed at without being swallowed. The negro orchestra on the stage at one end was heard at the other end with the aid of a reproducer. On both sides of the wall a balcony spread laden with people in boxes at tables. Underneath were more tables and more people. The dancefloor was a scene whose celestial flavor and cerulean coloring no angelic painter or nectarish poet has ever conceived.
This place is neither cozy nor safe Frederick said. It's lit up like high mass.
One was with blonde hair and a brown face and yellow feathers and another was with black hair and a tan face and white feathers. Some had on tango things and some blue feathers. One wore pink organdie and a black picture hat. There were many colors including a beard in a red ballet skirt and number 9 shoes and some others who, conjuring with their golden-tipped wands against the voices of their mutually male consciences, yet remained more serious than powdered—they seemed to be always on their way to far off mistresses.
They found Tony and Vincent at a table with K-Y and Woodward. Vincent spoke with the most wonderful whisky voice Frederick! Julian! Tony was South American. He had on a black satin that Vincent had made him, fitted to the knee and then flaring, long pearls and pearl drops.
Tony dear aren't you overdressed! asked Frederick.
I suppose you would say overdressed Tony answered but I'm not Sheba surrounded by food and Mary what you look like in that outfit he said to Julian. Look at her!
Vincent had on a white satin blouse and black breeches. Dear I'm master of ceremonies tonight and you should have come in drag you'd have gotten a prize. He had large eyes with a sex-life all their own and claimed to be the hardest boiled queen on Broadway. Frederick he said you look like something Lindbergh dropped on the way across. Dry yourself Bella!
When are you going to remove your mask and reveal a row of chamber pots Frederick replied in his resonant voice which could also be nasal at the wrong time.
The music was playing wavy and sad and so true.
Let's dance Julian said to K-Y and they went on the floor.
You've mastered the art of makeup she said.
I must have he said when I did things that were pleasant surprises, not wicked because they were unusual and necessary.
Dancing drew the blood faster through their bodies. Drink drusic drowned them. A lush annamaywong lavender-skinned negro gazed at him.
They are looking this way so hard said Julian their eyes go through us and button in the back.
A boy with an innocent exterior said to him over his shoulder how is your dog bite?
My dog bite Julian said sweetly. Your mouth hasn't been that close to my leg all evening.
This is dreadully amusing said K-Y.
One may divide people into thrills and frills I think Julian said. What he was really thinking was that it must be the white-pink flesh like some Italians with the lippink scarlet as heliotrope and the black of hair and the eyebrows with the miraculous slant bespeaking benevolence. He knew the precise youth of it there and the vulgarity raw enough to be exhilarating. He saw another as they danced by a table and the sharkmouth of a hope tore his womb, carrying a piece of it away.
Someone shouted Bessie if you don't believe Heliogabalus died by having his head stuck in a toilet bowl you NEEDN'T COME AROUND any more.
They all ought to be in a scrap-book Julian said. Would blood, paste and print make them stick together?
No said K-Y. There is no holding people back. It will go on until it stops and then there will be something else.
shut your hole watching
them for a moment but when she opened her upstairs cunt and started to belch the greetings of the season I retired in a flurry her boyfriend with the imperfect lacework in the front of his mouth
was a thunderclap could indeed would have been
gentler Fairydale Bedagrace a prize bull in the 2000 pound class and his proud owner is Harry A.
Koch there's my Uncle looking for me Beulah calm your bowels two o'clock and not a towel wet that
would be both justice and
amusement Jim! I told you to stay home and mind the babies wished for nothing better well who could? than a man lover and a woman lover in the same
bed ladies and gentlemen I was born in Sydney Australia twenty-two years
ago everything nowadays to invent something right things have been wrong so
long has wanted to break away but couldn't find me anywhere else so he changed his
mind come on Margie come on Helen the
usher on the right side said to sit on the left side the usher on the left side said to sit on the right side so we'll sit in the middle Who pushed
me aw look what your old man got for
pushing I may be wrong but I think he's
wonderful kiss it you bastard listen
Kate whoops Mr. Cunningham! there's Mr. Cunningham I said feel it not play with it thank
YOU wouldn't that jar your mother's
preserves the
French are so easy to enrage poor dears close the coffin lid the
STEnch dont think about it analysis will kill
it I'm ever so much obliged shit
mother my feet
stink the pantry is full and the toilet articles burst with expectation all that's needed is
love aren't you the one I'd
hate to go beyond it unless taken by a
guide
what would I find a fatuous madness that I've found
get a load of her a skin like the bark of a
canteloupe he's a
quEry goody goody
goody for our side we've won the chocolate
cake madam I haven't said a word I haven't
spOken dearie it wouldn't take much coaching to make you lisp into the
grave did you see that
basket your opinions don't change your appearance I thought they wOuld she
peddles her can
with her one avoids far worse
things I'd rather be Spanish than
mannish he eats
it some things aRe like a fall down
stairs so few people know anything at all about the general subject of
grace beautiful can come out of him because he's just clean
clay I came home Flora and found her in one bed drunk with her eyes made up
and I want to have the texture of
it look you Up and dowN one
meets no end of celebrities all having nothing to do with
sex it's a false landscape only art giving it full
colors
picked me up on Eighth Street and did me for trade in Christopher Street some
books aren't even read things
about the Village because they are bound to be ninety percent
lies there a new place called Belle's Jeans it must be horribly vulgar if
I had your money
baby think that liking is
knowing of Laura with wistfulness the hard poor girl no Miss Suckoffski smelt the
worst Miss Johnnie didn't smell she just lay
there I closed her door after two pages had slipped in my esophagus I've been getting up with a cold ever since all they omitted was the
diaper laid out every last corpse though it took us till
dawn the kind of wit servants could be tipped with if they could use it had
trembled so he said my but you're sensitive that old auntie please! once confessed his love for a man so I didn't stand up and wave the flag I just sat there you know me Mabel and
smiled Mr. Schubert get OFF my face I can't see the CONtract the wine came up and he looked at my intellect so often got
out of the way of a big truck and put my hand over my cunt like
this just too bad isn't it buttercup scalps of her victims of which she must have cabinets full says he wears a flower in his buttonhole because it simply Wont stay in his hair! memories are
best couldn't stomach his crotch once so he would be spiteful a kiss is a
promise she looks like death's daughter brought in backwards and went
up bold as you please dropped my lilac robe could hardly get two articulate sentences out on the subject of homosexuality before someone interrupted us Phoebe-Phobia in person not a college pennant she had one in her hand though that bore a distinct
resemblance ninety-five percent of the world is just naturally queer and are really according to the degree of
resistance I don't say I do and I don't say I don't but if the fur coat had fit me he would have had a DIFferent answer people
do better than you think they
do in these days men will be great if they have to walk out as
skeletons living I learned from the inside with a big old Queen Kitty I laid her to
filth likes to abhor people and it's all liking the end I
suppose strangely mature like the
continent very
sensual and sees a reason for discipling apparently because she can't live without
comfort suddenly as suddenly always
is lit up like a country
church empty couch took it out of me rather didn't take it out of
me divine not at all only human ever
saying life words can
always afford to be tolerant of that which we
misunderstand likes the brave dear that one best
some Lesbians make me think of alligators I
saw a little girl holding up one in the movies and the angles seemed so
characteristic fancy work done at home and if I look real a definition of love isn't needed seven yards of lace curtain six of the finest rats jumped out spoke to me said it was a good racket I should keep it up I was good at it he held my arm my dear as we walked back after I had petrified four or five males who walked into the tea-room two standing before the urinal dying to and yet so embarrassed waiting for my permission to pull their things out and another said standing still on entering my leg being strung across the wash basin blind as a bat screaming for the daylight excuse me for putting this bromide in pink curlpapers take them off in the
morning did not shit Miss Bitch though she's here according to farts deprived of house and home if
one does needlework one has to talk too such genteel innocent malice is almost more than human flesh can bear I mean the tongue gets mixed up with the needle your mouth is
bleeding Belle! but the clock doesn't stop when somebody is
hit seems to have adopted the habits of a gentleman in every particular which naturally includes the payment of paramours if only in bohemian dinners Becky could you spare it?
the macabre is not omitted from any universe why not find it in his
bread-box she's a flag that's never been taken
down I'm sure he draws lewd pictures in spare moments and tears them up in tears and speaking of tears could you ever be drowned in
them makes me think of a Christmas tree been standing all
year has a fish
hooves? looks at one through oceans of lemonade slightly sweet slightly
sour empty as paper
bags can't you tell by his manner that he lives on an
hallucination she's a whole egg upheld by the shimmering sea of
humanity what's the use of knowing people if not to attack their souls or what they consider
inviolable? the universal stillbirth or homicide in the womb you
were made to walk along with me and speak to me like
that the first thing I knew she was groping me like
mad thinks she has the only bedroom back at the
ball does he rent his brains my
dear just dirt you
silly! loose as a cut jockstrap
still dead as far as my mouth
goes a
big chisler while he was here feature it
adores me to stick it in his and flew into a temper last night when after the regular party my poor thing wouldn't get a hard on enough to go in and STAY in but I promised to do my husbandly duty next
time orgasm right in his
pants it may have been the first intimate introduction to Miss 69 in
person is to be a comfort standing in a tall scooped out penislike
niche squiffy on
weed observe my dear the bloated lemons waiting to be
selected the first Bess ever to conceive a hopeless romantic affection for
me thrill market the
haughty after breakfast hour grime
in the creases parting his hair has given him a new better
flavor discovered a brazen speakeasy with awfully good stuff
cheap mentioned something about a hashish
party please
noticing my excellent features and asking why I didn't have a screen test taken until a professional routine came into his
compliments flew down on special
wheels couldn't say no to the sensations he gives
me gayest thing on two
feet harlot making theatrical costumes like one demented and renting the
bed them to come down here and fight like mEn startling
expert symmetry she wanted to make
her have a cuter sissylip
one never say anus you rnUst have been stunned
into
chillness said why and I said I wanted to see whether he would 69 and he said of course he didn't and I said but he
did may look Chinese but she's American can
you imagine he wanted to brown I mean bugger
me woman quite mad so cunty in her dark land so idiosyncratic and blind so obvious so abnormal only
fairy voice about 20 made me really
pretty oh you twisted piece of
lilac the curtain's going
up
looks like the wrath of
God aroma one of Harvard and autumn leaves the Russian ballet hanging on the wall of his
heart dished as though
drunken showing
everything mattress on the
floor Byzantine
baggage grand cocksucker
fascinated by fairies of the Better
Class chronic
liar fairy
herself sexual
estimate crooning i'm A CAMpfire girl
gratuitous sexually meaning
both my thighs are so much
stouter tongue's hanging
out sprawled in
bed lower than my
navel tie beginning between his
breasts nest of
Lesbians eyebrows so perfect what it is to
blossom before his style started going uphill on one-ballbearing rollerskates and the curious pain
began Norma Shearer hairbob the wild evening one and they turned the spot on me with applause hisses pennies tenderness in sex you know I hate nothing God has bursting breakfast for two Daisy he's the type that's aged by its prospects taken for 18 tonight by a broker make this another leaf in your hair my dear stunning seaman dreadful bugger sort of jaw coming from the sort of neck with an open collar that flattens wombs huge meat that's why no matter how many publishers' offices she unpacked her undies in she couldn't give old man Criticism a hard on sped on his way cradle days! crushed her like I always do asks to be insulted and you know my rule Anna said have you seen Pauline's novel I said intimating that it's good? said it's an act of God! said I have no doubt there are so many objects for criticism they Must come from a source so abundant never cease shocking with his diseases hide it in your vagina and carry on do you have to go into a song and dance about a face artist turn over kid I want to use you
At the table again they had gin and Frederick asked who'd want sillymadness for a sister and Woodward said I would if I had to have a sister. Woodward was sitting, knowing that K-Y was cheating and loving, a real gun girl of the soul. He had never gone to the bottom of her in the real heavenly way. She thought she was a sea and he didn't.
You look like bread with the butter on backwards Vincent was saying to Frederick.
You Frederick answered look as though you had just been ejected from God's private office having gone there on ILLEGITIMATE BUSINESS.
Don't say anything more Vincent cried would you tear my soul from my body?
Someone spoke to Woodward and passed on.
Who is that? asked Julian.
He looks like a bunch of uninteresting nerves said Frederick.
Anyway he's a dope peddler Woodward said.
He looked almost frightened said Julian.
Probably at your youth K-Y said.
Music for the grand march started and Vincent leapt away and the procession began. He threw his fingers everyway and went with the music from one to another and they stepped by slowly with their hands on their hips or one hand on one hip or an arm up or both arms and wreathed in smiles and all made up within an inch of their lives. There were screams to them and hand-clappings and they waved from their high heels. Fifty or more walked one by one to the platform with a spotlight on it and steps on two sides and there Vincent was. They mounted and turned with Vincent showing them off for the prizes given for the most applause, supposedly, for the most beautiful costumes, but he gave them to those he knew no matter how much they pushed and tore. There were half a dozen running around crying I GOT FIRST PRIZE and others got other prizes and the music went on.
Julian swayed through the tables and was grabbed by the hand and pulled to one table for a drink of rye and told his eyes were beautiful. He stayed there until someone came from another table and got him and gave him a drink of gin and said kiss me but he said you don't look expectant. That one followed him toward the orchestra and he went in the side door and up on the stage and kissed the leader and asked him to play something. When he went back down the steps the door was closed into the hall and the one who had given him the drink of gin was standing in front of it. Julian knew that people had to forget appearances, that horses would hardly, that mountains and clouds wouldn't and neither would some men but this one would. He found he could be mad and wasn't afraid of the vengeance of God nor its earthly equivalent and there was no hesitation from beginning to end. He came out fanning himself. A chaplet to go around my neck he thought.
Vincent rushed to him and shouted have you got a cent on you Phil wait for me after it's over and we'll go to Child's Paramount or pick up a couple of broads and take them up to the joint and camp like mad I
Julian confided in him what had just happened.
Yes? Cut me in two and sew me up with needle and thread! Vincent said. Was he large?
Julian said I'll see you in the poolroom and went to the laboratory to piss and become a little sick. Since he thought he would get that way he stood in front of the urinal for a long, long time.
When he felt better he went out with a hundred images clawing at him, some good, some almost good and some almost painful.
This is how dolorous things can be in high fettle. The hall was the garden of Eden afterwards and the lights were out. There was a queen's sorrow in it too. He walked to a gleam coming from under a door and tried the knob but it wouldn't work. He banged on it until someone came and unlocked it from the outside.
He was being looked in the face by several policemen one of whom immediately said THAT'S THE ONE.
What one? Julian asked innocently.
No it's not said another and the first one agreed and Julian walked away. He was around the corner and doubted if he would take the right subway. Vincent was not to be seen nor anyone he knew. A short man in neat clothes said hello to him.
Julian said hello.
How are you? the man said.
I'm all right said Julian.
Where are you going?
I'm going home.
Let's go have a cup of coffee.
Julian said all right and they went into a coffee pot in the next block. Julian had two eggs also and the man who was a soft comfortable personality who glurred at the right moments paid for them.
They were out on the street when the man said do you live around here?
Julian told him that he lived downtown.
What's your address?
Julian told it to him.
I'll come to see you sometime.
All right said Julian.
The man showed him the elevated and Julian thanked him.
He went up the steps and there were no velvet carpets, no flutes, no bells, no incense and no dancing girls.
In the car he was alone except for a man who looked like a football player never recovered from a daze he got once while scrimmaging.
I'm glad I have my beauty he thought if ever so little weary. Am I a. doll he thought or some kind of ghost believing in everything I have believed in do I know what marriage is what new texture is in it anything more than a tongue and lips and inexpert teeth oh to be a bright and unschooled lass I know it and love it and know it and leave it and know it and hate it but never too much the stalk up the poor lavender buds clinging to it their mouths closed yellow in the green and dug clean for anything I've found in the oystergray marrow to hell with all junior disorders what are they my next lover must teach me to swear love is a thing to know more of and deeper of or nothing is lost? nothing can be helped is better life is made up of crossing sticks and time.
The crying in him was because everything was all wrong and he knew it as all learn it sometimes: wrong yet magnetic, prolonged yet brief.
At Sixth Avenue and Eighth Street he got out. It was scarcely dawn.
A doll does not believe in itself he thought it believes only in its dollness I have the will to doll which is a special way of willing to live my poetry may merely be a way of dolling up and then it may be the beginning of ego I think I would be practically nothing without my poetry unless a DOLL my homosexuality is just a habit to which I'm somehow bound which is little more than a habit in that it's not love or romance but a dim hard fetich I worship in my waking dreams it's more a symbol of power than a symbol of pleasure not a symbol inducing pleasure but exemplifying it not a specific symbol no I am not a fairy doll.
On Third Street he used his key for the door. There was Karel in bed with one hand behind his neck. He seemed to be sleeping with his eyes open.
Where is Louis? Julian asked though not caring particularly to know.
Love? said Karel without changing his eyes and speaking softly. Horror! Has that word escaped my lips again? O divine power. O hymn of praise. I am too weak to hear it. I cannot lift my voice.
Do you love him desperately? asked Julian.
If I could only go over America painlessly from now on said Karel give me the needle doctor. Imagine the state of the poor girl sent to the hospital continually I mean America by Mr. Wriggle. She lived next door to him in Baltimore and spread her big brown bossy buttocks for him on the Montana plains but in New York she's homeless and the Round Table isn't exactly the place is it? She came in carpet slippers hanging on to Mr. Wriggle's arm like she wanted to be back home or at least on the prairie where there was room and I'm telling you when Mr. Wriggle brought his thing out and tried to put it in her it was time for somebody to laugh. And so Harold laughed you should have seen the poor thing's eyes roll feeling Mr. Wriggle's thing inside her and moving around the edges. I didn't know whether to laugh or sob or To Help but I felt like saying stop Eli she'll only carry the memory of you to her grave to bury it because it's a shame to her. Karel was wiping the tears away.
What's the matter with you? Julian said.
She never lies down or even sits Karel laughed through his tears she's older than the headless horseman and even more eternal.
O dove's puff! Julian said beginning to undress.
I sometimes think of poor little Miss Rector Karel continued who tried so much to crawl away from her skin but succeeded only in coming out with a hard on and then skidding right back again.
Do you know I don't think I ever told you Julian two days later he called me over the phone and said that he had to have five dollars so next morning I met him. I met him on the street having just cashed a check from the Sun. I took it out and handed it to him and wanted to know how he felt about homosexuality and he told me.
You must have paid for the information Julian said.
How far away and insignificant it is and yet not insignificant.
Julian was removing his makeup over the sink. I suppose you used to paint his arm muscles lilac with your tongue he said.
Lilac or blackberrywaste I don't remember which Karel said.
I think he must have been influenced by Louis said Julian. Did he fancy himself as your intellectual mentor and physical disciple?
Yes Karel said but he was detestable later developing a manner socially and artistically repellent to the last degree. Megalomania with particularly bad blood into the bargain. Oh God, how can I live another life? Will it begin all over again? Oh God, this vessel is frail.
Julian emerged in his pajamas. Are you going to sleep anymore or haven't you slept?
Karel didn't move. What could be bitterer than love or stink worse on a cold day he asked.
Mrs. Dodge of course said Julian. Let me get in with you. He got in.
Karel's speech came to life and he said what is one to do on this planet tied to George Bernard Shaw, Gandhi and other weekend guests.
Gandhi in this century 's answer to Christ Julian said.
Karel covered his eyes with a hand. Have you seen John Wannamaker's windows dear? Not even father Alive and Breathing by the fireside could be more elegiac. The only horror left would be resurrection.
Brains will fall out especially from corpses Julian said. He wasn't sleepy but he felt so bad he had to dredge the spontaneous. Have you any ideas about happiness Karel?
Not really said Karel. Even when ideas about happiness amount to common morality they are no less important than mine but I'm talking morality anyway and morality is rotten.
Why?
Because it's a stage of rot. It's the skin beginning to fall off.
Yes but about happiness can't we argue ourselves somehow into it?
Happiness is Being not Knowing and let it go but I say Knowing is not quite but almost happiness. Being can go where it pleases said Karel.
Let it go Julian said. One begins to have ideas about happiness as soon as one sees that happiness is impossible.
If I went down entirely I could be happy, knowing nothing, but his mouth drew away and I'm still here Karel said. Here, Mr. Policeman, here do what you will with me.
And speaking of deceptive appearances I think of all the live people wearing death so impassively Julian said.
My yes would have to be beaten up with the white of an egg and set to chill on his body. Karel laughed as though he were still weeping.
The point is Julian said sleepily that the amount of stupidity is never equaled by the amount of elimination by the individual intellect.
Karel said some of them not only wear death they wear it out and then lie in coffins as though it were new, in fact all dead people look as though life were still fresh in their minds but that's as far as it all goes: they can't wholly disappear.
It's the handsome ones I pity most said Julian.
Pity is love after a while. My chest hurts said Karel.
You mean love becomes pitylove and finally pity. Love of all kinds does. I love you.
You don't know what love is said Karel turning his cheek over. You've never wanted me so that every line of me made you ache.
What does my love mean then?
It may be some minor pathology. Whether it is or not I love it.
You love my love for you.
Yes. It is a little curious and a little strange. Believe that I am perfectly truthful now.
But isn't love want?
But what want? What form is this want? Is it affection or something mystic? Where is the line between the strange and the common?
Perhaps love is loneliness Julian said. Simple, honest loneliness.
But that would be common.
My love isn't wholly common.
Julian you know how little I feel for people, how little anyone has now to give me even of naivete or resistance. I mean pure pleasure except in physical beauty is almost out of the question. I like seeing Louis and Gabriel act but there is nothing between them and me now: nothing but disgusting trivial acts.
What do you mean?
I'll tell you. You're very selfish is what I've noticed about you; unwilling that is to forget yourself and certain definite preconceived ideas or plans. Maybe I am one of these plans.
And you don't love me.
I do love you but only because you do not disturb me, you face the way I do and you are moving in that direction, and so turn to me with sweet words in your throat that are altogether for me, addressed to no one else. Maybe that is the way you feel about me.
But such an explanation is too cold.
Perhaps it is because it is all necessary, perhaps that is why it is at all.
It is too sterile said Julian.
That is always the artist's plaint Karel said. I feel around me a great coarse essentially foreign world in which only the objets d'art seem friendly, seem able to walk and talk with me.
When you think of the number of superfluous but exact people.
Let me go on, life. How many understand cadence Karel said.
Do you?
One can't do anything about medieval statues can one the same of Eliot. That sentence is a study in cadence.
You are always untrue if you go far enough said Julian.
The experience of space Karel went on is the elimination of dirt and that is outer. The experience of time is the growth of everything in the body to the very pores and that is inner.
I suppose the end comes said Julian when the pores can't blow out any more.
Both are divine Karel said accident and inevitability.
No! said Julian.
Accident is that for which we are insufficiently prepared and inevitability is that for which we are even more insufficiently prepared. Louis has left me.
Birds of plumage screamed through the room.
What do you mean, he's left you Julian said getting more and more sleepy.
I mean he's gone.
He'll come back murmured Julian. He'll come back like a door closing on your littlest finger.
No he won't come back said Karel. He's with Gabriel for good this time and when he left he took your typewriter and a suitcase of my manuscripts. I yelled for the police but none came and then I cried.
There was a lovely dead silence with a white, white face who opened its lips and said what difference does it make what difference does it make to me and then went to sleep.
THERE is something in my mind Frederick said. Is it big? asked Julian. It must be Broadway Karel said.
Or! Frederick's lips were prominent.
Shut up said Karel.
Broadway is big with bright lights said Julian and a torso passed with a head. It was walking in the direction opposite the one in which they were walking.
Are you going back? asked Frederick.
What did I see? asked Julian.
It wasn't fate—
Not in the form of a woman.
Well are you Frederick said.
No said Julian look at it.
It is big Karel said that is why you, too, are big looking at it. You can't decide can you.
You are not the only one Frederick said ooooooooOOO.
Don't camp like that Karel said. Or I'll leave.
You musn't leave said Frederick. I'll go with—
Go ahead Julian said.
They stopped; people passed when they stopped.
There are such things as eyes Karel thought such things as are not eyes as words as even arms.
Let's go on Frederick said look over there.
Broadway can dance as well as walk Karel thought. Only it is not dancing now although it might just have been dancing.
The taxis came, went, wheeled from beneath their feet.
I feel like screaming whirred Frederick.
Hush said Karel.
Look at those two Frederick said ignoring him and they all tried to look.
Broadway is a big long place like a hall Karel was thinking, with new bodies and old doors that are not important but the bodies are and the clothes. And the faces. Broadway is alive with I don't know what all but I do know with some things, it is alive with people not in bed. It is alive with people not in bed he said aloud his hands cold in his overcoat's pockets.
Oh yes said Frederick.
There it is again Julian said isn't it. He meant the torso.
Yes it is Frederick said.
Karel looked and saw that it was.
Julian had slowed. I'm turning around he said.
Well said Karel.
Alone? asked Frederick.
Why not Julian said and went on.
He's got his own key Karel said.
Frederick said I have some money and would Karel like something to drink. Karel didn't mind and they turned into 46th Street and went up some steps. At the top of the second flight Frederick rang a bell outside a door. They were looked at through an uncovered hole and admitted.
The place was milling with mostly men who looked young. Some of them had curled hair. Clothes that fit were on others.
There was a separate room in which was a victrola and a Spanish boy doing high-kicks and splits. He was surrounded by different ones at tables. Karel and Frederick went to the bar in the other room. Karel thought he saw Vincent and Tony at a table in the room with the Spanish boy but it was so dim there he wasn't sure.
They ordered Old-Fashioned cocktails and looked around and seeing nothing that interested them in their present mood, after the second drink nothing would do for Frederick but that he should suggest they go up on the Drive.
Karel was willing but lingered until they were spoken to by two undesirables. Frederick was frantic about one until he discovered on the other side of his neck a large boil.
Karel said to Frederick I will go up on the Drive for I'm dying for it.
They went out and down and over to the bus stop and took a bus and sat on the top of it until io6th Street or higher. There they got off and started to walk but first they both had to piss and that was rather pleasing.
They got up on Riverside Drive again. Soon there was a lot of sailors and civilians who must have started to follow them. Karel and Frederick could hear them, at first a crowd of them but neither dared look back.
Let's hurry Karel said. Let's cross. He heard them coming and calling out things. He would not stop nor would Frederick. Automobiles passed and they dashed across.
Karel said ooh and Frederick cried ohoooh. They were on the park space and on the gravel and almost by the buildings.
When Karel did turn around they were leaping at Frederick and him. He saw Frederick get swiped. One swung, one sailor, at Karel who had to run then across to two automobiles parked where some people were. He heard pad pad after him but was Frederick being killed.
Keep away from him the men in the cars said and two backed back. The men in the cars said you shouldn't be out on the Drive at this hour.
Karel turned and saw Frederick lying on the ground a thin figure far away. He saw him get up and move to the sidewalk RUN. He ran forward a little and as he took Frederick by the arm he saw two of them run at him again and he said let's RUN. They ran up one street and Frederick could say hail the first taxi but no taxi could be seen. What they did see was a private car and it stopping and the two chasing them were gaining on them. The audacity, the cussedness Karel thought as one had tried to hit him before that one sailor had his fly open the white showing.
The car was stopping. Two men got out and Frederick cried SAVE US FROM THESE SAILORS! The sailors were there and the men holding them off said to Frederick and Karel get in the car.
You're safe all right they said. They grabbed the sailors and said we're policemen you'll have to come along.
There was a crowd gathering and both sailors were trying to get away.
Karel had his handkerchief out, spitting on it and wiping off the mascara.
One of the sailors broke away and one of the policemen chased him.
The other sailor whined let me go I want to get away and the other policeman, cursing him, took out a blackjack and hit him on the shoulder which somewhat quieted him.
Frederick moaned now we're done for.
The other sailor didn't come back nor did Karel's eyebrows after the way he rubbed them.
The policeman that was left got in the car.
They went to the police station and marched to the sergeant's desk. The whole gang had followed and were ordered out. Karel heard the policeman say fast thissailorsaidhefuckedhiminthemouthbut theresnocomplaintsoitsdisorderlyconductforall.
Karel's heart did not sink. He had been through it so many times in his mind he thought now life is being merely pedantic. He noticed the electric lights in particular.
What is your name (in a harsh voice)? Leers: search them! Contents of Frederick's pockets: two eyebrow tweezers, one black makeup pencil (with protector), one over-size ring twiddled by the detective, papers, key, money. The money was returned and the rest kept. Contents of Karel's pockets: one black makeup pencil (with protector), comb, key, money, all returned but makeup pencil and Karel thought I'll have to buy a new one.
Go in there.
They entered a kind of waiting room. Karel had a slight headache.
Frederick said you don't seem much perturbed how can you take it like that? I envy you.
Karel shrugged, thinking the occasion required no more confirmation than that.
They strolled in and out making wisecracks and Karel said to them you're all convinced beforehand why say anything.
One said if you'd stayed on Broadway this wouldna happened.
Karel looked sarcastically and said something about Broadway not that I know it so well.
Frederick told Karel that all the while his voice was sissy.
For Christ's sake Karel said I don't appear cowed anyway. He tried to appear just a little incommoded.
One perfectly unmentionable creature Frederick thought came in and said pair of the girls huh?
Karel looked at him as though he had just said no haven't a light buddy sorry.
Frederick was looking morose.
Karel thought that the sailor was cute looking with a sweet mouth. Anyway he's not so hoity toity by this time the concupiscent bugger.
Well on my life Karel caught himself saying as he was looking at one spot and there suddenly appeared the visage of one Carl Manor, poet, who murmured well what are you doing here?
Karel smiled. He was noticing that Carl Manor had several what you might call abrasions, contusions, swellings and spots on his face and was being dressed by a surgeon. Two tough guys had just beat him up and there they were so Karel thought well ha, ha, that's that, no loss to poetry!
Frederick was watching the clock for the time to come. It did come and with it the patrol wagon. They all marched into it and there were some boys looking at them and they were taken to the station next to Harold's domicile.
After saying their names very plainly to the turnkey Frederick and Karel were given a cell to themselves. There was nothing but one long hard bench and a spigot above a toilet bowl.
Frederick answered yes you can drink from it if you can stand the stench coming from below.
The bench was calculated to be all but unendurable for two people.
Frederick said I can't sleep can you?
I don't know Karel said.
Frederick said I can't understand how you can take it like this but I'm in a worse position than you are. I've a suspended sentence.
Yes that's so said Karel.
Frederick said I envy you your composure you're marvelous and Karel looked at it and yes it was his composure.
Frederick said just think, I suppose Harold, Tony and the crowd are next door carousing at this moment. Karel admired Frederick's accent and enunciation. I'm going to lie down. Karel took off his coat and made a pillow of it.
They heard the voices in the others' cells: gob!... say any you got a cigarette... ohhh no butts here... what time is it?
That Frederick said is the way they always talk then they begin reminiscing like this: gee I'm in for stealing fifty dollars, it doesn't pay when I get out I'm not going to steal anything until I steal twenty thousand dollars.
Karel dozed off then he had to get up. I can't sleep.
Frederick said isn't it terrible my mother I know she's having hysterics I wish I could telegraph her but there's no chance of that. This'll call off my trip to Woodstock too O God. He had started to whimper when he first got in the cell but Karel put out his hand on his. It's very sportsmanlike of you he said you didn't run off, you stayed to save me.
Karel said uhm I could have got away easily. But somehow he couldn't be exactly sorry he didn't. I'll write a poem.
How can you in such atmosphere?
In this or no other. Isn't this a good first line. Karel recited it:
ripe is the urge, regular heart, and going on:
asleep in the mind, flesh on the hand
picture and picture revolve into silence.
But he could compose no more and fell asleep' taking up most of the bench.
Frederick stayed awake until it was dawn.
Karel managed to sleep in three positions. He would remember them he thought.
It's light Frederick said. I wonder what time it is.
While waiting Karel wet his hair and put his handkerchief smeared with mascara behind a pipe.
You still look like a queen Frederick said.
Bo Karel said and at that Frederick laughed.
They were let out of the cell and marched and Karel sat next to the sailor. The others included a gang of wops whatnot? who had come in later charged with assaulting one girl whatnot? (the impression they got was of concrete).
They had to wait after the ride, 8:30 Sunday morning, in one large cell at 57th Street station. The two who had trounced Manor got chummy and explained to Karel, looking up with their eyes and mouths to heaven in which there is God, that they both being Southern and drunk the night before had sought to displace without ceremony a negro from a seat in the subway and Manor had interfered and got his.
In the same cell there was one old thing by himself charged with rape. The girl in one difficult whole led up to a particularly red and particularly large bump under her left eye.
six months two weeks doin six aint that snap snap fucking dame are you the chauffeur
Karel and Frederick were not insulted once. They started to wean them from the cell. It was 9:30.
Karel leaned against the back of the bench. Frederick's lip was swollen; the bloodspots were still on his chin and on his glasses.
One officious person, a hundred percent bad Irish Karel thought, came back just before they were called and cursed at Manor's assaulters who did not think that was a good sign and it wasn't for they went and got sixty days.
There was only now the sailor at one end of the bench and Frederick and Karel at the other. Suddenly Frederick said plaintively to him what did you do it for? The sailor smiled slightly. Now you see what a mess we're all in—all for nothing.
The sailor said, weakly, I don't know.
We didn't speak to you now did we? You'd better say that because it'll make it go better for all of us. Some one had said the ship'll give you five days on bread and water for this.
The sailor said well I don't know.
Then they called them. Karel and Frederick waited on a bench as straight as this: ii
They saw the detective who had finally appeared go up to the gob and whisper something.
Frederick turned to Karel and said now we are done for.
Karel looked somewhere and they were called. He got out his private band and to music they went in before justice and Karel handled his train very well he thought and there were not only two or three about four six people in the courtroom. Karel looked up at the magistrate after they had ranged them. The magistrate took one look. Karel imagined his switch was looking very well.
The magistrate said something but what did Karel care he had washed his gloves. The detective was sworn in first.
Frederick spoke up and said he would like an attorney beforehand. The magistrate who was white-haired, shrewd-humored, stooped, small-faced waved him aside and (Frederick said later) WINKED.
The detective told the truth except he said that the sailor had said they had said to the sailor: want to earn a few easy dollars?
When he said that Karel knew just what to do thinking the magistrate had his eye furtively upon him: he looked away with his teeth"” meaning what a lie. The magistrate must have seen him but Karel thought he did it with the right accent, modestly.
The magistrate looked at the sailor and said has the detective spoken the truth?
The sailor was dumb; in his own sweet soul he couldn't tell such a BIG LIE.
The magistrate smiled and looked at Karel intently and said your first name is Karel?
Yes.
And you don't live with your parents.
No.
Where do you live?
319 West Third Street.
And you say you are a free-lance writer, what do you mean by that, free of writing?
No Karel said taking a sidelong glance to see that his elegant train of feather dusters was in place, if it means anything I have appeared in the best places... the Post... the Sun...
Do you mean the magistrate asked that your articles have been accepted by these places?
Yes Karel said the Bookman as well... I have you see certain ambitions.
He cut him off discharged and Karel didn't have to lean forward to hear it.
Frederick started going toward the cells but someone pushed him into the aisle with Karel. The sailor was already there.
Then the magistrate leaned over and said sweetly but be more careful next time!
They went down some winding marble broad steps. The sailor walked in front of them.
Frederick was saying oh I can't believe it.
Karel said I knew it. I sensed it. There's at least one judge in the world with a civilized with a sense of civilization.
The sailor was walking down in front of them slowly.
Karel said I could kiss him right now.
They took the other side of the street and he did not look back at them.
They went to a drugstore and Karel had a chocolate ice-cream soda.
Frederick had a coca-cola with vanilla ice-cream in it.
KAREL thought about the pace at which things were walked through the heart without the breastbone being noticed. What had pounded on the closed door and what still was loitering was the clear spectre of either Louis or Gabriel, larger than life, but substantial as it had always been, giving the air its ruthless dirtiness. Louis had been to him a heart shaped like a bitter valentine, sworded and masked; he was like a mask from which imperative realities dangled. Karel must squeeze his own heart into another shape, it had attracted wolves and burglars or for what had Louis come? It was the heart that held all houses. If he could give his heart to Louis, say take it and stab it and keep it, the door would have been opened again, but for fear it had stayed closed. Though the lace wavered the cupid wept. If some day it might burn up in an accidental fire, the remainder, the seared flakes, would lie there, complete, no heel would crush them, not Louis' nor another's, no wind would reach nor tear dissolve them.
He turned to Julian, crested with a sunlit comb. The sunlight hit Julian no matter where he was standing, and if he moved from the dark it was with a hello of closed lips. His lips were seen first and then the sunlight and then Julian. Julian had come and been and strangely he had ignored him, then had thought of him with pleasure. He still could not understand Julian's love for him as he did not know from what it derived, where it was or when it would come, as it did come sometimes, from nearer the sky than the earth. Where was its home, its house, its all-around heart—no door nor walls? Did he lie in it now or were they in it together? Karel asked God if the world floated or wheeled, or if they were in the grave, but looking at Julian from the side he knew they were not in the grave but that Louis and Gabriel were outside and perhaps not forever. Karel had always to be doing something either with his face or his brain so he would write a poem but he could not grasp the pencil tightly enough. He asked Julian do you think they're gone?
No Julian said they're there.
Karel's mind returned to the insistence of Louis' domain over him, the hypnotic way in which he had seized upon him as a mechanism to be controlled. Louis wanted him to deny everything but Louis. In that had seemed to lie Louis' economic salvation. Louis had been lover and beast. Karel started forward, has Louis actually had the temerity to believe that our affair could have existed in my imagination, only mine? Or that the idea of mutual chivalrousness could have been altogether eliminated as he had wished?
Louis had wanted, Karel saw plainly, to use him as Gabriel had used Louis. Through a compulsive worship, exercised by Gabriel, Louis had known love. Not animal love but some love —not Julian's love, something more potent and more of hate. He had wanted to redeem his humiliation through Karel's submission. The possibility of hate is all love needs to complete it Karel thought. Hatred and love at once raise love above earth. Louis hated but loved Gabriel. Gabriel, glowering, had seen Louis become apparently a master and master over Karel who would have worshipped Gabriel but for his lack of sexual attraction for him.
Karel thought of Gabriel's eyes, which could be accused of no crime; they were planets lighting an inner world: Gabriel is lost here, misshapen by his chances and by his achieving success with his chances, by his triumphs, for Gabriel cannot triumph, he is not made for greatness or for the definite gesture. He wants slaves but should be strong enough to do without them. Man may be rendered helpless by the idea of slaveholding and Gabriel has not thought enough of the idea. He has stood in the way of it, asking Louis for money and so Gabriel's enslavement to money has become apparent to Louis. But Louis had asked Karel for money and Karel had not been able to stand in the way for he had had no money.
You are free forever Karel called aloud suddenly. You are free now! Go!
Julian raised himself. Are you crazy? he asked.
I was telling them said Karel.
Tell them they're crazy said Julian.
You tell them that Karel said.
They know it Julian said lying down.
They both breathed hard and soft.
Then Karel said they are the secret of the night but so am I and so the siege is begun. No castles have fallen nor ladies been abducted for today we are too subtle for that. I'm going to the library.
Come back soon Julian said and was left alone.
Today is the day he said to himself when my bones seem to be aware of life, its fixability like its flexibility, its bottomless fears and its air of an exhausted hatefulness.
A spike was sticking in his left shoulder where he had a cold. I have been dull today but really my soul is freezing within me from ennui and pity. Louis and Gabriel are very like children; if I had sons I would train them up like them: debonair, destitute, devouring.
Today has done with me he continued when the pain in his shoulder was less but I have not done with today. Louis and Gabriel are nice, feedable youths, fencing with fate, fortunate or far from fortunate.
Time is a deception he thought, a monster which deceives. What looking kind of monster is it? It's a monster which looks and is looked at or completely looked at and completely non-looking, like the elephant. That is why today has been so fuzzy he announced excitedly to himself I have actually caught it looking at me out of its elephant-eye. He looked around to the door of the studio for someone was knocking.
With their minds they whipped the frozen streets of the last vestige of humanity.
Snow is good Gabriel said.
And ice Louis said.
Ice follows the wind and that's in your throat said Gabriel.
It's up your behind Louis said.
No Gabriel said it doesn't touch me.
Death will touch you.
He can touch me tomorrow Gabriel said.
He's a friend of mine Louis said. I asked him to keep away from me but gave him your address.
A child has no address.
An address is the important thing just now said Louis.
How about Julian's? asked Gabriel.
Find a weapon for him Louis said.
Find a weapon for him? Gabriel replied. I have found one.
I mean something he can understand.
I know what you mean said Gabriel.
At that moment they were in front of 319 West Third Street. Louis beat on the door and Julian saw them. He let them in.
How are you Julian? said Louis.
I'm all right said Julian looking ill-tempered. He was thinking about his typewriter. How are you?
Not so good said Louis. I mean Gabriel's not so good. He's got something to tell you.
Has he? Julian sat on the couch.
Gabriel was sitting there looking the other way. He turned his head around slowly and said you know Julian that I've got syphilis.
I heard something about it Julian said.
I've really got it Gabriel said but merely in my blood and I'm taking shots for it.
Louis was walking up and down, smoking and scowling.
I've been taking them for three months Gabriel said and looked seriously and piteously at Julian. I can't go on with them unless I have some money to give the doctor.
I'm sorry Julian said. I haven't any.
Furiously soft from Louis came goddamn and he went back to the street.
I really haven't Julian said sadly. I've got forty dollars to live on until the sky drops more.
This is the way things are Gabriel said, brightening. The doctor has been treating me free for two months because he's had confidence in me. Now he's beginning to lose it. If the hypodermics stop at this stage all I've had will count for nothing. They have to go on for me to be cured. You believe me don't you?
Yes, I believe you.
If you go to the doctor and say here's ten dollars for Gabriel's treatments his faith in me will be immediately restored and I can have them for another couple of months. Otherwise I'll be —
Julian's resistance broke. He said you'd never pay me back the money.
But I would! Gabriel said. Louis is getting fifty dollars advance next week for a translation. I promise you'll have your ten back then. A thrill went through him which showed on his face. Today is the last day the doctor will wait. Here's his card. Take him the money and you'll see I'm not lying.
Julian put the card in his pocket and felt Gabriel's hand on his head. Louis is the boy for you he heard Gabriel say.
Is he? said Julian.
Yes said Gabriel taking his hand away and going towards the door. He turned with his hand on the latch and smiled and his features were a splintered mirror before it falls.
No sooner had he gone than Louis came back, repentant. I like you he said. He grabbed Julian who did not care and during one kiss Julian's teeth were clenched and his lips were together tight.
Louis departed as he had come, leaving Julian as he had found him.
Gabriel and Louis were struggling with each other. Louis said Gabriel and Gabriel said Louis as though the names were familiar but precious objects, vaguely outlined in the darkness and to be knocked over at no price.
You can't get a five from him that way Gabriel said. For ten minutes he had been talking to a man in the hall next to a speakeasy; he had failed to get any money from him.
Will I get the whole five if I get it out of him? Louis asked. Neither had eaten for a day and a half.
Gabriel turned his dark blank eyes at him, his mouth a little dejected but firm. He said I know the man's psychology he wants to pity you. He helps weakness. He's not going to help ablebodied guys.
I'm not ablebodied protested Louis. I'll walk in and convince him I'm a consumptive by the way I stand!
Gabriel continued to express incredulous repose.
Stay here said Louis. Gabriel waited for his exit.
In five minutes Louis returned. He exclaimed shit. The dope is armored! he said. You've got to present a certificate from an institution for the sick.
Listen Louis you're all wrong, see? Wait a minute Gabriel said and flew into the doorway.
Louis waited, thinking of food and of Gabriel. Soon he saw Gabriel emerge and come toward him. As he came he waved to a taxi which drew up by the curb near Louis as Gabriel reached it.
Come on Gabriel called and got in. Louis followed him. Cafe Royal Gabriel said to the driver.
Louis leaned back and contemplated Gabriel. He did not doubt but that he had been successful. You got it? he said ecstatically.
Gabriel showed no corresponding ecstasy. A very little smile of satisfaction was beginning to appear on his lips, an expression Louis knew would burst into the sun of Italy.
Come on Gabriel have you got the five? Louis repeated.
Gabriel said for Christ's sake you don't think I went in for the five do you? I wouldn't rob Clapsaddle of his symbol of poverty. He hesitated. I got three bucks from Eddie.
From Eddie! Louis marvelled. Eddie was the bartender who had once thrown them out of the speakeasy.
Sure Gabriel said blandly I got it.
Before the miracle of money Louis' wonder at Gabriel's change of tactic melted. Clapsaddle had been the object; then it was Eddie. Strategy had been demonstrated that had not occurred to Louis.
They got out at the cafe and Gabriel paid the cab. Inside they ordered eggs and cigarettes and coffee. Gabriel got up and told Louis to stay there until he came back. Louis stayed thirty minutes and ordered more coffee. When Gabriel did not return Louis left his overcoat for the bill.
Harold, Frederick, Karel and Julian were walking down Fifth Avenue in some blue air colored with sunshine.
She had on sables worth at least fifteen thousand dollars Harold was saying. She was charming.
My mother said Frederick told me James Joyce was dead.
Dead! said Julian.
Yes she said he was dead. The man she said who looked like a grocer whose picture you had hanging over your desk.
But dead? said Karel.
Yes, she said he was sick for a long time.
I know said Karel.
They saw Louis in the same block coming their way.
The dear futile thing said Frederick.
Pass him by said Julian.
Karel felt a rose too big for him inside himself.
They meant to walk on but Louis stopped Julian and said say I've found a boy even prettier than you are.
I'd be so glad if the band would strike up now said Julian.
I want you to meet him Louis said. Upside-down he would spell money and that's what he's got.
Money's mammy too I suppose said Julian.
Let me see your teeth Louis said.
He showed him his teeth and Louis put a finger on Julian's upper lip and raised it.
What's the idea? Julian said.
Nothing said Louis. See you later.
Thank you desist! Frederick called.
And you can tell Gabriel if you see him Harold added not to ever come near my apartment again unless he wants to be arrested!
Louis laughed and walked away.
The four of them continued and Harold told about his going home and finding the door unlocked and inside Gabriel sitting on the bed smoking a cigarette.
Three suits of mine were missing Harold said and there he sat like Mother Goose saying he had just come by to pay me a call and found the door ajar. I was simply in a boil you can imagine my dear but what could I do? I wish now I had called an officer!
Why did Louis want to see my teeth Julian wondered.
You want to know why? Frederick said. He must have been kissing you! I saw him in Brentano's a few days ago and he had his gums and palate painted black. He's got trench-mouth, of course.
What would New York be without its tangible spectres Karel sighed. Louis is dirt mixed with diamond-dust.
Gabriel's blood is green with envy of eternity Harold said. Don't you think that's good Karel, Gabriel's blood is green with envy of eternity!
Can't you imagine all the lies and false impressions they give people Julian said.
Gabriel is eternity squirming Karel said and the color of Louis' blood is shitpurple.
They reached the studio and Harold unwrapped a painting of his he had been carrying, a gift for Karel and Julian. It was Eve with a monkey and snake.
Julian was looking at his gums in the mirror.
Where do you want this hung? Harold asked.
They decided to hang it over the downstairs couch.
Painting is always something of an anachronism Frederick said.
And literature Miss Spitzberger is only a form of guessing Harold retorted.
Karel, read this new poem of mine and tell me what you think of it said Frederick looking at Harold disdainfully.
Karel read it and said it has I think a suspension of attitude toward destiny which bespeaks inexperience.
Frederick raised his chin three more inches. Before he could think of a reply there was a tap on the window and a rattling of the lock.
Karel swayed towards the curtain, raised it and let it fall with horrified hands.
Who is it? said Julian.
I don't know and I don't want to know said Karel. Don't open the door.
Other raps were on the window louder and more insistent.
Julian looked out with no recognition and said what do you want?
I want to see youse a face said.
What about? Julian asked.
Let me in and I'll tell youse the face said.
You can tell me from where you are Julian said.
Open the door or I'll break the goddamned window!
Julian looked around at the others. Harold was holding his eyebrows up and two fingers to his cheek. Frederick looked like a bird the moment after it finds the sky nowhere. Karel forbade Julian to touch the lock.
Let's see what he wants said Julian. He postponed dread and pushed the door forward.
Who stepped in was unshaven and heavy. His cap didn't hide a scar near the eyebrow and he wanted to know which one was Julian.
I am said Julian.
Can I talk to youse privately he said. You needn't be afraid of me.
Come in here Julian said.
They went into the kitchenette.
Do you know two guys named Gabriel and Louis? he asked.
Julian said yes he knew them.
Have youse seen them lately?
Not recently Julian said.
Youse don't know where I could find them?
No.
Well if youse see them again, tell them to look out for me because they're going to get it!
Julian wanted to know why.
What I'm going to do to them will be plenty, see. They told lies on me to the big boss!
They did? said Julian knowing nothing about the big boss.
Yeah. I'd seen the bastards around and the other day they asked me how much I'd take to clean out this place.
This place?
Yeah. I said two hundred bucks. That's the price.
And what did they say?
They didn't have the dough and I wouldn't do it for less so they goes and tells the boss a goddamned lie on me!
A dirty trick said Julian. Come on out.
Listen to this he said to Karel. He says that Gabriel and Louis tried to get him to clean this place out!
What? said Karel. How?
That's the racket the man said. Any joint in the Village stripped for two hundred bucks. We drive up a truck, see. My partner waits outside to warn the cops for me and I shoot the lock off if it needs it and take out everything whether you're home or not.
The others gasped.
It's nothing to me. My partner and I get our share, the rest goes to the boss and that's all.
Have a cigarette Julian said and he took one and Julian lit it for him.
Relax babe the man said to Karel who was looking ill. It's a business like any other. I don't hold nothin against youse guys. But when I see them two they're going to take a long ride.
Terror and sickness Julian murmured.
Karel heard him and said if you can find flowers more twin tell me.
But there is sex, a third flower, whose shadow, too, is death.
KAREL felt again the sensations following Louis' baseness. It had been love with him and now it was impossible. Louis had said aloud, when he left: you beat me in the abstract. Perhaps, if circumstances had been different—but he could not tell. That was not the great cause of his resentment: Louis, the individual, was minor. How vicious he was as a factor in his life could not be determined, yet.
He turned the corner and saw a lurking figure which he recognized with God but not out loud. He walked to his door as Louis approached him. Karel turned to him and said what do you want?
I'd like to talk to you. Louis was smooth, unfrenzied.
What is there to say? Are you going to give me the things back?
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Why talk? Can't you bring them here? Louis, standing there, made no inaudible appeal to him.
No, that's the point. I can't talk here. I want to talk to you privately.
Did Louis imagine that he would permit him to make love to him now? Before Karel could answer Julian opened the door behind him.
How long are you going to stand out there?
Karel looked back to Louis. Wait a moment he said and went inside.
What does he want said Julian, his face saying it more vividly. He's been outside for twenty minutes, kicking on the door the first five of them.
He wants to return the things!
Well, let him bring them here. Julian moved a candle-stick from the chest of drawers to the table in the middle of the floor.
He wants to talk to me somewhere Karel said.
Julian swerved. Talk to you somewhere? Don't be a fool. You ought to call a policeman... or if we knew where to get ahold of the gangster.
Ssh! No! Karel's hands were counting their nerves. I'm going. I'll be back in an hour.
Julian would not look at him. Where is he taking you?
I don't know.
Well, neither do I.
I'm going to get the things back. Don't worry. He moved to the door. Good-bye.
Julian said good-bye and Karel was gone.
Louis started to leave.
Wait Karel said where are we going? It was beginning to sleet.
Come along for Christ's sake. Louis' impatience stimulated Karel's awareness. It's Gabriel's room—up here, he gestured with his head toward the east.
Oh. Karel got beside him and they walked quickly. They had not gone far before Gabriel appeared. He and Louis did not speak. Karel was conscious of the sleet, of the room ahead, of his manuscripts; of Louis, beautifully sinister.
Louis' key would not work. It was the wrong key. He went to the rear for the housekeeper.
Karel felt afraid. He almost turned and ran. In a moment Louis had come back. The housekeeper was not in. He tried the window which was ground floor front.
Is that the room? asked Karel.
Yes said Louis. He succeeded and walked through to admit Karel. He turned out the light in the small foyer which led off to other rooms and opened the door more widely for Karel to enter. It was an ordinary bedroom, for two. Having combed his hair at the bureau mirror, Karel sat on a chair close to the bed. Physical inequality had always been a factor in their relationship, at least after a certain point he thought.
Louis sat down on the bed, facing him. His face looked worn. It became set now. Take off the suit he said.
Karel looked gently at him. Why do you want me to do that?
I want the suit.
I didn't think you'd ever—Karel looked away.
The bleak bright electric light did not help him. Louis had pulled down the shade.
Hurry up—I don't want to wait!
Wait a minute said Karel. He did not intend to part with his suit if he could help it. He would have to wear Louis' poorly tailored one. He would have to face Julian, wearing it. Louis... I—his voice stopped.
Louis sneered. So you're being a woman. I'm not interested in your tears. Save them.
Karel felt sorry for himself now and a little sorry for Louis.
Listen said Louis. Do you think you can get away with threatening to call the cops on me? Say, I'm going to ruin you! I'm not going to let you alone. Take the suit off.
Louis—I—I don't want to, now. Wait a little.
Louis laughed. You're very cute. But I'm going to have that suit, and when I have the suit I won't be through.
You're as cruel as that?
Yes.
Louis... I haven't stopped loving you.
Stop that!
Louis, this is too much, I can't let you treat me like this... Tell me you don't want me to jtake the suit off. Think of what it would mean.
Listen Louis said you don't think you can pull that stuff now do you?
I'm not trying to pull anything. Do you think I am? Aren't these tears real? Am I the sort of person to weep for nothing—for effect? He moved to a place beside Louis on the bed.
Say, you... Louis frowned viciously.
Karel looked away. Say that you don't mean what you said, that you really love me a little. He looked back, his cheeks tear-stained, at Louis.
Louis was gazing at him with sombreness and tight lips, strangely like and strangely unlike an animal. Do you mean that? he said.
I can't say why, but I still love you. I can't help it, that's all. Karel's hand went gently around Louis' shoulder. Do—you still love me? he said.
Louis kissed him furiously. The embrace swooped them together again.
In a few moments someone knocked and Karel went to the mirror and wiped his eyes.
Louis I want to speak to you Gabriel said through the door. Louis went out. Gabriel's voice penetrated the door. Listen do you think I want that guy here? He's got to get out!
Louis' expostulating tone was lower and Karel could not hear his replies.
In a moment he returned. Let's get out of here he said.
Karel adjusted his hat and put his manuscript book in the bag. What's the matter with him? he said.
Oh he's sore because we're together.
Karel started to ask another question but looked pretty instead.
Say, I need some money Louis said.
Karel extracted a quarter from his pocket. He handed it to Louis.
Quarters said Louis.
What do you expect? asked Karel.
Louis did not speak for several seconds. You don't care anything about me he said at last. You're pulling something all right.
Did Gabriel tell you that? Karel faced him.
I don't have to have Gabriel tell me anything. I wanted to see if you were sincere.
Do you mean the money?
No. I mean you haven't asked me where I'm staying, how I'm fixed.
What do you expect me—
Say, if you love me you'll find a place for me to stay tonight.
What? Aren't you staying here with Gabriel?
No—and I don't want to stay with him now.
What can I do? asked Karel.
What can you do? I guess you think you can treat me like this? The wild, suppressed whine entered his voice.
Like what?
If you loved me you'd be willing to leave Julian, you'd see that I didn't starve... You're a harlot!
Louis, I tell you I'm going to help you.
I think that's a lie Louis said. I think you're never going to help me again. I think I want
that suit. When—now? What do you mean?
Right now! Don't be silly—Louis stepped up closely to him and clutched one of his lapels. Who do you think you are? Karel's lips pouted and quivered. He did not resist having his topcoat taken off, then his jacket, then his vest and, lastly, falling over on the bed, his trousers. Louis leaned over and Karel saw him kissing him before he felt the bite. Then Karel screamed.
THE END