LANA COULD FEEL the beads of sweat pooling on her forehead. Once her father had found out that she was carrying his grandchild and that she was suffering from extreme morning sickness his first suggestion was that she go on maternity leave.
Right away.
When Lana kicked that suggestion to the curb in a very delicate manner, which stressed her out, standing up to him, to her relief her father acquiesced but stipulated that she see Dr. Peters right away. He prescribed her Diclectin, a safe medicine to ease her morning sickness so she could continue as a surgeon. And it seemed to be working.
It didn’t take away the exhaustion and standing in an orthopedic hazmat suit while she did the knee replacement surgery didn’t help. It was stifling in the suit. And even though there was filtered air cycling through she felt as if she couldn’t breathe.
Focus.
She wished someone could wipe the sweat from her brow, but at least she was almost done with the surgery. Then she could shower and rest.
Andrew stood across from her and was actually holding a retractor. She had never seen him hold a retractor since he’d been here. She had seen him operate once on a surgical video. Maybe he would come to miss the surgery and start to perform here. If she had him doing surgeries on her service then she could ease off just a bit.
The other surgeons on the orthopedic surgical rotation were her father when time allowed and Dr. Sims and Dr. Kay. Dr. Sims and Dr. Kay both had a full practice.
There was room for the world-renowned Dr. Tremblay who had disappeared from surgery to aid with hers.
No one knew why Andrew had stopped performing surgery, but she had inkling it had to do with the surgery done on his shoulder.
He glanced up at her through the visor of his own hazmat suit. “You okay, Lana?”
“Fine. Just tired.” She turned back to her work and tried to ignore the fact he was standing there. It was hard, but she didn’t want him to give anything away. Though she was pretty positive that most people in this room knew that she was pregnant, given the way that gossip moved through this hospital, but she didn’t want to blurt it out in case her surgical team didn’t know.
She didn’t want anyone to think that she was weak.
It was bad enough that her facade had been cracked when she’d married Andrew so quickly during a sunset ceremony on the beach. And the speculation that Dr. Iolana Haole maybe wasn’t quite the Ice Queen was starting to spread around the hospital. There were also rumors of Andrew using her to secure a green card and she knew those rumors were initiated by David. The problem was they were true.
And she didn’t like it.
How the heck was she going to eventually take over the hospital if people didn’t respect her the way they used to? The respect she’d worked so hard to regain after David used her before publicly humiliating her. The thing that scared her was she didn’t care at the moment. She was enjoying herself at work. She wasn’t so tense, wasn’t so lonely.
Maybe because you don’t want to run the hospital when your father retires. Maybe because you want to leave Hawaii. See the world.
Of course, those dreams were dashed now that she was pregnant. She couldn’t go traipsing all over the world with a baby in tow. She had to give their child stability. She needed a steady job to provide for their child. That was what her father had said when he’d constantly worked after her mother had left. He needed to provide for her and Jack by working. That was the right thing to do and she’d do the same.
Any thoughts she’d had of having an adventure were dashed and she really had no one else to blame but herself, because she hadn’t taken the chance.
She’d let her father rule over her. Let her fears of the unknown do the same.
Others made the decisions about her life. Not her.
You made the decision to sleep with Andrew. You made the decision to keep this baby.
She snuck another glance at Andrew and his gaze met hers and the way his eyes crinkled behind the surgical mask and visor let her know that he was smiling at her. Then he nodded slightly, giving her that boost of confidence she liked.
Lana went back to work. She was almost done with the knee replacement. A couple more solid taps to put the new joint into place and the replacement knee was in position.
“Good work, Dr. Haole,” Andrew said.
“Thanks.” She continued her work, closing the small incisions of the minimally invasive procedure. Her father still preferred the larger incision, but she’d trained to do the less invasive surgery.
She finished closing and gave her instructions about antibiotics in the IV and blood thinners and decompression stockings to the residents so they could monitor the patient in Recovery. Once that was done she headed to the scrub room as quickly as she could to get out of the stifling hazmat suit.
As soon as the scrub room doors shut she pulled off the helmet and took a deep breath of antiseptic scrub room air. Her hair was plastered to the top of her head under her scrub cap. Andrew followed her into the room and pulled off his helmet.
“You’re drenched in sweat.”
“I know,” Lana said. “These pregnancy symptoms are magnified. Surely I shouldn’t be feeling this bad?”
“Maybe it’s twins.” It was meant as a joke, but then he spun around, his eyes wide, as the realization hit the both of them. “Oh, my God, do you think it’s twins?”
“I don’t know,” Lana said, dumbfounded. “It could be. Twins run in my family. My mother was a twin. Oh, Lord. Two babies.” A wave of nausea hit her.
“Don’t jump to conclusions. It might not be; you just might not handle pregnancy well.”
“Then why did you suggest twins in the first place?” she shrieked.
“I was reading that pregnancy book you had on the coffee table last night while I was eating pizza.”
“Are you seriously trying to make me hurl?”
“Sorry.” He winced.
“So what did you read?”
“That sometimes pregnancy symptoms in the first trimester are amplified if there’s more than one fetus.”
Oh, my God.
The thought of two babies just sent her head spinning.
“Your mother was a twin, you say. That’s what you said, right?” Andrew asked.
And, just like that, the mention of her mother sent a douse of cold water over her. It reminded her that her own mother couldn’t handle her or Jack. That she’d hated being trapped with Lana’s father. She’d hated Oahu. She’d hated it all and felt that Dr. Keaka Haole had ruined her life.
So she’d left. And Lana had become head of the household and tried to keep it all together afterwards. “Yes. I think so anyways. I’m pretty sure, but I could be wrong.”
“Can you call and ask her?”
“Did Jack not tell you about our mother?” Lana asked in disbelief.
“No, well, other than she left your father, but that was it.”
Lana sighed and she could feel tears stinging her eyes. “She left when I was a kid and Jack was a baby. I haven’t seen her since. She didn’t want anything to do with us. So no, I can’t call my mother.”
A strange look crossed his face for a brief moment, as if he understood what she was saying, but how could he? His parents had never abandoned him. He wouldn’t understand.
“I’m sorry. Why don’t we go up to Obstetrics? I’m sure, seeing how you’re Dr. Haole’s daughter, that they’d be more than willing to do a sonogram on you. It’ll put your mind at ease.”
“Yours too,” she said sarcastically.
“Yes, twins would be...complicated.”
She almost wondered if he was going to say the worst, but didn’t.
“They won’t see much.”
“They’ll see enough to tell whether there’re two in there.”
“Okay.” Andrew was right. She wanted to know. It would drive her crazy not to know. She needed to plan and prepare herself. Lana had already mentally prepared herself for one baby, but the thought of two was a bit mind-boggling.
They finished scrubbing out and then headed straight from the operating room floor up to Obstetrics.
Dr. Green wasn’t busy and took them right in. Which was rare.
Lana climbed up on the exam table, the paper crinkling and sticking to her sweat-stained butt. Andrew was chuckling to himself.
“Are you still having nausea, Iolana?” Dr. Green asked.
“Not as much, at least not since I’ve been taking the medication, but...twins run in my family.”
Dr. Green didn’t blink an eye. “I’m aware. Your father told me when he first told me you were pregnant.”
“Why would he tell you that?” Lana asked.
“He was covering all his bases,” Dr. Green said nonchalantly. “You know how he is.”
“Can you just ease our minds and tell us if there’re two in there?” Andrew asked, interrupting. “Lana’s been having more pronounced symptoms. Isn’t that an indicator for the possibility of twins?”
Dr. Green didn’t bat an eye. They called her the bulldog of the obstetrics floor because she didn’t put up with any nonsense. Which was why Lana liked her so much.
“It can be, but usually measuring larger than your dates and the presence of two heartbeats is how we determine twins, but it’s too early to catch a heartbeat with my sonogram. You’re only five weeks in.”
“Can you measure me or give me a transvaginal ultrasound and see what’s going on?”
“Lie back and I’ll measure you first. Then I’ll do the ultrasound and we’ll hopefully relieve some of your anxiety. Anxiety won’t help with the symptoms.”
Lana lay back and lifted up her scrub top. Andrew took a seat at her head while Dr. Green pulled out her measuring tape and measured Lana.
“Well...I’ll be...” Dr. Green whispered.
Lana’s heart did a flip flop. “I’m measuring larger, aren’t I?”
“Yes, slightly. It could be just a large baby. How much did you weigh at birth, Iolana?” Dr. Green asked as she recorded the measurement in Lana’s file.
“I was five pounds seven ounces, but I was early.”
“And you, Dr. Tremblay?” Dr. Green asked.
“Ten pounds.”
Lana bolted upright. “You were ten pounds and your mother gave birth to you in the middle of a park on the side of the road?”
Andrew grinned and winked at her. “Yep. We’re hardy stock up in the north.”
Dr. Green was chuckling. “It could be a larger baby, but we’ll check if we can see how many are in there. I’ll be back in a moment, so if you could put on a gown and remove your pants and undergarments in prep that would be great.”
When Dr. Green left Lana groaned. She got up and grabbed a hospital gown out of the cupboard in the exam room.
“Should I stay and watch?” Andrew asked, looking uncomfortable.
“Yes, because if our kid is ten pounds I’m going to kill you,” she hissed half-jokingly, but also terrified of the thought of giving birth to a toddler-sized infant.
He laughed. “Promises, promises.”
Lana removed her clothes while his back was turned and put on the gown. She got up on the table and Dr. Green rolled in the machine. She got the wand ready and Andrew continued to look away while she placed it and then covered Lana up with a sheet.
“You can look now,” Lana said.
Andrew turned around and took a seat back by her head. Dr. Green fiddled with some dials and stared at the screen.
Lana held her breath as the doctor recorded measurements and studied the monitor. What was she going to do with twins? It couldn’t be twins.
“Well, your hunch was right, doctors.” Dr. Green turned the monitor around. Lana stared at the grainy picture and, though they looked nothing more than a couple of peanuts in a sack, she saw what was just about to be confirmed.
“Twins,” Lana whispered in disbelief.
“Yes, you’re expecting twins, Dr. Haole. Congratulations.”
“Oh, my God,” Andrew whispered and now he was the one that was looking a bit pale as he covered his mouth with his hand and stared at the screen. “Oh, my God.”
Lana lay back down as reality sunk in. Now she really was trapped. Two babies. She’d told Andrew that she could do this on her own, but now she wasn’t so sure.
How the heck was she going to raise two kids on her own?
* * *
They hadn’t said much to each other when they left Dr. Green’s office. Or during the ride home. Now they were just sitting on the couch side by side, not saying a word. Lana felt as if at this moment she should probably buy a state lottery ticket or something.
First the condom broke.
Then twins?
“What’re we going to do?” Andrew asked finally, breaking the silence that had descended upon them ever since they’d found out that there were two babies in there.
“I know,” she whispered. “You know I still stand by what I said before. I can raise these babies on my own.”
“Lana, see sense. This is going to be more difficult.” Andrew cursed under his breath.
“I can handle a challenge,” she snapped, annoyed with his swearing. It was obvious he was unhappy about it.
Aren’t you?
She got up and walked into the kitchen. Grabbing a glass, she poured herself some ice-cold water.
She was used to challenges. Her whole life had been a challenge. She’d had to teach herself a lot of things when she was a kid because her mother hadn’t been around. She was the one who negotiated peace between her father and Jack. And because of who her father was she always had to prove herself more in her professional field.
There were a lot of times people thought she was given more opportunities because of who her father was and that was not true. She’d constantly sacrificed and worked hard for everything.
Now, two babies. It was a challenge, but she could do it.
Couldn’t she?
“I know you can handle a challenge, Lana, and I know that you could handle this on your own, but I’m not going to let you.” He touched her face and she backed away from his touch. She couldn’t let herself get attached to Andrew, not when he kept putting up walls between them.
Not when this marriage was just one of convenience and would be over as soon as he got his green card. And not when he obviously saw her and the babies as a burden.
She couldn’t let herself fall for him. She couldn’t risk her heart. When her mother left, she’d seen how crushed her father was. Lana had taken it upon herself to try and comfort her dad, to make him happy again, but she’d been naive.
Her father’s heart was broken and as she got older and understood that she knew that she would never, ever put her heart on the line like that.
Except she did and then David crushed it. She’d sworn she never would again and then she’d slept with Andrew. She was so weak. Her heart was totally on the line and now she was carrying his children. She’d have double the reminder of him when he left and she knew he was going to leave. Once he got what he wanted he’d leave.
She set the glass down on the counter. “I’m going for a swim.”
“A swim? Where, in the ocean? It’s night.”
“No, the pool.” She strode past him and down the stairs to her bedroom.
Andrew followed behind her. “Don’t you think we should talk about this? I mean, this changes everything.”
“I know that it does, but I can’t think straight right now, Andrew. I need to swim.” She turned around. “This is a lot to take in.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to have to leave work sooner than I’d like. You know that twins often deliver early.”
He nodded. “Yeah, that’s going to be hard on the department.”
“Well, if you had surgical privileges you could take over for me.”
Andrew frowned. “Don’t start this again.”
“Why not? You want me to talk about this pregnancy? Well, I want to talk about why you gave up your surgical privileges when you came here.”
“I can’t operate.” There was deadly calm to his tone and she knew that she was pushing him to the brink again. “You need to stop pestering me about this, Lana. I just can’t operate.”
“I know, because you don’t have privileges,” she said a bit too sarcastically, but she was tired of not knowing why. He still had his surgical license and if he would just do surgeries again he could take her place while she had their babies.
She knew that he’d be good at it. He was a brilliant surgeon and she didn’t know why he was giving it up. She didn’t get it. He was willingly giving up surgery and in a few months she’d have no choice but to go on bed rest and walk away, but she’d come back. She wouldn’t give up the only thing in her life that brought her joy.
There were a lot of dreams that she had given up over the years, but surgery was not and would never be one of them.
“No, it’s because my arm was damaged in an accident four years ago. My surgery was botched and I can’t hold a scalpel. I lost everything that day, Lana. I regained what I could, but I can’t operate. I can’t. My hand shakes, my arm is in constant pain. I don’t react anymore because I’ve learned to filter it out or maybe my nerves are dying. I’m not sure. I was impaled after the car I was driving collided with a moose. Impaled by a metal signpost. It smashed right through the windshield and into my shoulder. My shoulder was damaged and the surgery was done by an old school doctor up in northern Ontario. So, that’s why I don’t operate. It’s not safe for anyone. I can’t do it. I won’t.”
And before she could apologize for pushing him too hard he stormed away to his room and slammed the door.
Lana felt bad for pushing him.
She knew the shoulder pained him. She’d seen and felt the scars and knew that his shoulder had been damaged, but she couldn’t believe that he couldn’t operate any more. He was terrified because of what had happened.
Some scars ran deeper than the surface.
She knew that all too well.