THEY WERE LYING out on the sand, letting the late afternoon sun dry them. Lana’s eyes were closed and Andrew was mesmerized by her. She was fantastic in the water...that he knew.
And the thing that amazed and terrified him the most was that she was carrying his child.
The panic sunk in again.
How can I be a father?
He’d never wanted kids. All his life, even before Meghan died, his father had told him how becoming a father had ruined his life. Andrew didn’t have a normal childhood. He didn’t know how he could be a good father when he’d had no role model at all.
So he was terrified at the prospect of being a father. Of trapping Lana, who didn’t even want to marry him in the first place.
And he decided to change the subject so that he wouldn’t have a mild panic attack on the beach.
“Have you ever thought about surfing professionally, like Jack?” he asked.
“Once, but my father is a formidable force. He told me there’s no future in it.”
“There’s a women’s league and there would be a definite spot for you. I would’ve trained you.”
“Would being the operative word,” she teased. “In about nine months I don’t think I’ll be able to stand on a board. Heck, in three months, when the championships are happening, I don’t think my center of gravity will comply.”
“Still, Jack was pressured into becoming a surgeon but he didn’t. He went after his passion.”
She shot him a strange look. “Surgery is my passion. I’ve always wanted to be a surgeon.”
“Really?” he asked; he wasn’t so sure he believed her. He believed she loved surgery, but he didn’t really get the feeling that she wanted to be Chief of Surgery or Head of Orthopedics.
“Why is that so hard to believe?” she demanded.
“You just seem to come to surfing naturally. So many don’t.”
“Well, once I entertained being a sports medicine doctor for the American surfing team, but my father vetoed that. It was a silly idea. I mean, they weren’t going to hire me straight out of my residency.”
“It’s not a silly idea; you could’ve done it. You seem to belong out there. And you’d know how to care for an injured surfer.”
“I like surfing, but it’s a hobby.”
Andrew’s father had always thought it was a waste too. The only one who had supported him was Meghan, so Lana’s words were like a slap to the face. The sport had been his whole world, as had surgery, and both had been snatched away from him in an instant. It was hard to hear Lana being so dismissive of something he thought they shared a passion for.
That’s what happens when you assume, Andrew.
“So your plan is to work at your father’s hospital until what? When he retires and you become Chief?”
Her lips pursed together and her eyes flashed with annoyance; he’d pushed her a bit hard. “And what’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. I guess it’s safe.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being safe.”
“That’s where we differ.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “Do we now? You don’t seem the type. You’re not a risk-taker.”
Another slap to the face.
Before he could say anything else, Jack came jogging up the beach with his board under his arm. He was panting, but he had been out there for some time.
“I think that’s it for me tonight, Coach.” Then Jack saw his sister. “Hey, Lana, what’s got your bees in a bonnet?”
“Oh, nothing, just that your coach here knocked me up.”
Jack’s eyes flew open in rage and Andrew jumped to his feet as Jack threw a punch that missed.
“You got my sister pregnant?” Jack shouted.
“Jack, I can explain.”
“No, I don’t think you can!”
“We need to take this somewhere private.” Andrew turned to Lana. “This is your fault. If he blows it...”
“Come on, Keaka. He’s my husband. I’ll make you some dinner and we can talk about this in a calm, rational manner.” Lana grabbed her brother’s arm and started pushing him up the beach.
Andrew was relieved, but he had a feeling this wasn’t over. He picked up the discarded boards and followed his wife and brother-in-law up to the house. And laughed at the absurdity of it all.
After he’d got the boards wiped down and locked away, Lana had changed and had Jack sitting on the couch. He had changed as well, but he was obviously really annoyed as he glared at Andrew when he walked into the living room.
“Andrew,” Jack said in a haughty tone. Lana just rolled her eyes and handed Jack a bottle of water, before taking a seat at the opposite end of the couch, tucking her long shapely legs under her.
“Listen, Jack, I didn’t mean this to happen. Your sister is a beautiful...”
“Don’t say it,” Jack groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “This wasn’t supposed to be a real marriage. You weren’t supposed to touch my sister.”
“Your sister had some say in it too, Keaka,” Lana said, but it wasn’t helping.
Jack glared at Lana. “Don’t call me that.”
“I’ll call you Junior if you don’t ease up on Andrew,” Lana growled at Jack, just like a mother to a son rather than a sister to a brother.
“So now what?” Jack asked. “Are you telling me this marriage is for real now?”
A blush crept up into Lana’s cheeks as their eyes met.
“No,” Andrew said, guilt eating at him. “But I’ll be there for your sister and help raise the baby.”
“Oh, man. Dad is going to be pissed when you two call it quits after you have his grandchild.”
“I know,” Lana mumbled. “Accidents do happen.”
“I don’t want to know,” Jack moaned again. “I feel like this is my fault, Lana.”
“It’s not your fault, Jack. Although the debt you owe me will be astronomical.”
Jack groaned. “Lana, you’re making me feel bad.”
“Good,” she said firmly.
Andrew chuckled as he saw that feisty spark of humor bubble back up in Lana. “Jack, I plan to do right by your sister and our baby.”
Jack scrubbed his hand over his face. “Okay. I believe you. I’m sorry for taking a swing at you, Andrew.”
“Hey, I would’ve done the same if it was my sister.” He regretted the words the moment they tumbled past his lips. They both looked at him with curiosity and he didn’t want to talk about Meghan. He quickly blurted out, “If I had a sister, that is.”
Pathetic save.
It seemed to work. Which was good, because he didn’t want to talk about his sister. That was private. No one needed to know that.
That’s no way to honor your sister’s memory. Burying her in your mind. Not remembering the life she led.
“Jack, you can’t tell Dad that I’m pregnant,” Lana said, breaking Andrew from his guilt-ridden thoughts. “You have to swear that you’ll keep it secret. I’m not that far along and I’m not ready to tell him yet.”
Jack rolled his eyes. “He’ll find out, you know. He has spies everywhere.”
“He’s right,” Andrew agreed. “I’m sure we’ll get a call tonight when he gets home from the hospital, congratulating us.”
“On that note, I have to go.” Jack bent over and kissed the top of Lana’s head. “See you, sis.”
Andrew felt a pang of longing. The last time that he’d seen his sister alive, he’d kissed the top of Meghan’s head just like that, before they’d got into the car to head for home after a late night movie. He’d promised to look after her, because they were both united against their anxiety-ridden mother and angry, abusive father. The movie had been an escape. He’d been away working as a surgeon in Vancouver for three years. He’d come home because Meghan had begged him to.
Meghan was all he had.
Then she was killed in a head-on collision with a moose.
There was nothing he could do to save her because he’d almost died that night too, but that didn’t stop his father from blaming him for Meghan’s death.
You’re not responsible.
“Are you okay?” Lana asked.
“What?” Andrew asked, shaking the thoughts of his sister from his head again.
“Jack said he’d see you tomorrow and you didn’t even acknowledge him. You just stared out into space. I thought you went into shock.”
“Nah—” he rubbed the back of his neck “—I just zoned out, but I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular.”
“So why don’t you tell me about your family?”
Andrew stared at her. Her dark eyes penetrated into his soul and, though he should walk away, he felt like talking to her about his family. For once, in a long time, he didn’t want to keep it all to himself.
He wanted to talk to someone about it.
“What is there to tell?”
She cocked her head to one side. “Come on, Andrew. We’re going to have a baby together. I know our marriage isn’t exactly real, but shouldn’t I at least know about my baby’s family? I know you’re Canadian, but I don’t know where you’re from. I don’t know your parents’ names. I really know nothing about you.”
“I like to be a man of mystery.” He raked his hands through his hair and then saw that stubborn expression of hers set in. “Fine. What do you want to know?”
He didn’t know where to start with it all, but he had a feeling that once the gates were opened everything would come pouring out of him and he had to regain some control.
“Where were you born?”
“Actually, I was born in Algonquin Provincial Park.”
“You were born in a park?” she asked in disbelief.
“My mother was driving home from Huntsville to my hometown of Whitney. The park is this huge nature reserve and the road that connects Huntsville to Whitney is about sixty kilometers. Or thirty-seven miles for you Americans.” He winked and grinned.
She chuckled. “Thanks, but converting something into metric doesn’t explain the birth in the park thing.”
“She went into labor right smack dab in the middle of that road. I came pretty fast and all she could do was pull off at the parking lot to a hiking trail and give birth. Thankfully, there were lots of tourists up from Toronto to see the fall colors and there was a doctor on one of those tour buses.”
“So you were born in the fall?”
He nodded. “And you were born when?”
“Winter. Though I’ve never seen snow. After high school I went to Stanford in California.”
“I’ve seen lots of snow. Too much, really.”
She smiled. A sweet smile which made his heart skip a beat. “I’m sure. So you have a mother. Any siblings?”
“I lied before. I did have a sister, but she died.” He was surprised at himself for telling her that. No one knew that outside of Ontario.
Her expression softened. “I’m sorry.”
Andrew braced himself, expecting her to ask why or how, but she didn’t. And he was relieved. Inevitably, everyone that found out he had a sister always asked those questions and he just didn’t want to discuss it.
“How about your father?”
“There’s not much to say.” He shrugged. “He wasn’t very supportive. My parents are still alive, but I haven’t been home in quite some time.”
“So, surfing? Why surfing? If you grew up in northern Ontario there really aren’t many places to surf there.”
He laughed. “I went to medical school in Vancouver and picked it up there.”
“Ah, well, that does explain it.” Her stomach grumbled and she winced. “I suppose I should try and eat something, though I don’t feel very hungry.”
“How about some chicken soup?” Andrew got up and went into the kitchen, poking around her bare cupboards. “Uh, when was the last time you went shopping?”
“Me? Why do I have to always go shopping? Don’t be sexist!” She was teasing him. “Honestly, I forgot.”
“Let’s go out to dinner.” He scooped up his keys from the kitchen counter. “Whatever you think you can stomach and we’ll go there.”
“That sounds great.” She stood up, but teetered a bit. He raced over and steadied her. He’d been avoiding her for a month and just touching her again, being near her, reminded him how she felt in his arms.
A longing set in. He missed her.
“Are you okay?”
“Just dizzy,” she sighed. “I hate this. I have a knee replacement tomorrow afternoon. If I’m wobbling around like this, how am I going to stand for all those hours?”
“I’ll go with you,” he offered. It was the least he could do.
“You will?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I’ll make sure you don’t throw up into the patient’s incision.”
Lana was going to laugh, but instead her eyes widened, her complexion turned green and she pushed him away, running to the bathroom, where he was privy to some not so attractive sounds on the other side of that closed door.
Good job, Andrew. You had to mention vomiting and incisions.
* * *
After Lana got over her spate of nausea the only thing she wanted more than anything was an ice cream cone. So Andrew drove to the nearest ice cream truck, which was parked beside a beach not far from her home, and now she was sitting on a bench, enjoying the sunset and her chocolate-dipped soft ice cream cone.
She said it was heaven.
He was chalking this up to the first of many pregnancy cravings. He’d complained that ice cream wasn’t a good dinner choice. There was no sense in complaining; she was growing his kid after all. It was the least he could do.
“I think after you go to sleep I’m going to order in a pizza. Ice cream is not a very filling dinner,” Andrew complained again.
“Yes, but please wait until I go to bed. You order some weird stuff on your pizza and no, I don’t want to talk about pizza right now unless you want to see this ice cream come back up.”
He chuckled. “I thought that your perfect wedding had something to do with pizza?”
“And unicorns, but you don’t see me talking about those,” she warned.
“Okay, message received. Enjoy the dairy goodness.” He didn’t particularly like the cones, so his ice cream was in a tiny paper bowl. It was cookie dough, something he’d always liked as a kid. The ice cream was okay, but the company was better. Lana looked so relaxed, her long bronze legs stretched out but crossed at the ankles. Her hair was braided back and she seemed to be glowing in the waning sunlight.
“You’re glowing, you know,” he said in awe.
“What?” she asked in disbelief.
“Isn’t that a pregnancy thing?”
She snorted. “Maybe because of the sweat.”
Andrew chuckled. “You know, you’re quite funny when you’re not trying to be so serious all the time.”
“So you’ve said.” She grinned at him. “It’s been a busy month.”
He knew she’d been avoiding him too.
“It was a fast month since our wedding.” And the moment he mentioned the wedding all he could think about was the wedding night. The wedding night that he’d never meant to let happen, but he was powerless when it came to her.
He wanted her. Even now. He tried not to think of her, but memories of when he’d taken her in his arms plagued him constantly. He could still taste her on his lips, feel the softness of her skin on his fingertips and he wanted those long legs he’d just been admiring wrapped around his hips.
They finished their ice cream in silence.
There was a bit of ice cream on her cheek; he reached out and wiped it away with his thumb. Her eyes widened as he touched her and, before he knew what he was doing, his hand was cupping her cheek and then slipped behind her head, pulling her close to kiss her.
Lana melted into him and she tasted like chocolate and vanilla. The familiar scent of coconut and the beach wrapping him in a heady memory of the first time he’d kissed her. He’d known then that once was never going to be enough. And dammit, he was right.
She touched his face as the kiss ended. “What was that for?”
He wanted to tell her—because he couldn’t resist her, because he was falling for her, but he couldn’t formulate the words because he didn’t want to believe it. There really was no future, because once his green card was in he could move to California and pursue a job that was made for him. The one with the International Surfing Committee, where he’d be the lead sports medicine doctor. It had been the dream all along.
Lana belonged to Oahu. She would never leave.
And, even though she was carrying his baby, he knew that eventually he would have to leave them behind. It would be the best for both of them. He wasn’t father material. He wasn’t going to screw up a kid like his father did to him. Besides, he didn’t deserve the happiness of a family.
Then you shouldn’t be kissing her.
And he hated himself for doing that.
“I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Then he put distance between them, but as he tried to slide away she held tight to him.
“Andrew, I think we should talk about it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Lana.”
“Isn’t there?” she asked, confused. “We can’t keep falling into this trap.”
“I know. I’m sorry it happened. I truly am.”
She nodded, but her eyes filled with moisture, as if she was about to cry. “Damn, I don’t know why I’m crying. I totally agree with you. Freaking hormones.”
“Another pregnancy thing?”
She nodded. “I’m really sorry, Andrew. I do think you’re right. We have separate lives to lead, after this is all said and done. We can co-parent this baby and not be together.”
“Right.” He hated himself for thinking that he would one day leave Oahu and that he’d be leaving her with this responsibility, but it was for the best.
Wasn’t it?
“Come on, let’s get you home.” He stood and then helped her to her feet. “You have to get your rest if you’re doing a knee replacement tomorrow afternoon.”
“That sounds great. I’m exhausted.” As they walked back to the car Lana’s phone began to buzz. She pulled it out of her pocket and frowned.
“Who is it?” Andrew asked, but he had an idea.
“It’s my dad.”
Andrew sighed. “Sounds like he found out.”
“Clarissa was the one holding my hair and suggested I get a test.” She accepted the call. “Hi, Dad, what’s up? What rumors? Oh, those. Yes, it’s true. I’m pregnant.”
The cat was out of the bag.
Lana continued to talk to her father and for a brief moment Andrew entertained the notion of calling his parents and letting them know that they were going to be grandparents, but what was the use? They wouldn’t care. They would just tell him how Meghan was never going to have children and it was all his fault.
His parents wouldn’t care that Lana was carrying his child. That he was going to be a father. Calling his parents wouldn’t put to rest the ghosts of his past; it would just remind him why he’d always said he never wanted to be a father.
How could he be a good father when his only example had been his own father?