Lady Roxburrow fanned her hand in front of her face, the other perched on her ample hip. She panted as if she’d recently took part in a vigorous sporting event instead of hosting two gentlemen in her parlor. “Gracious me. Two callers. I do believe our luck is turning around.”
She sunk onto the sofa next to Juliana, plucked the book from her hands and used it as a fan.
Our luck.
Juliana grinned at Lady Roxburrow’s association of her own success or failure to whether or not Juliana found a husband. After all, it would only be Juliana who had to choose between living on the streets or wedding a brutish ogre.
“Thanks to the duke,” Juliana acknowledged. “As much as I hate to admit it, I owe him a great debt.”
“I watched the two of you while you danced last night, as did everyone else. You were radiant. The way he looked at you was so... adoring. I’ve heard that his grandmother expects him to choose a bride by the end of the season. He’s been spending so much time with you recently, I don’t know how he has the time to court another. Are you sure there isn’t any interest there?”
“No, there isn’t.” Juliana looked down at her hands. Gossip and hearsay. That’s what Lady Roxburrow based her assumptions on. She couldn’t allow it to giving her hope that Colin wanted anything more from her than to wipe the ledger of his penance owed. “He is only trying to rectify a great wrong he committed against me. Nothing more.”
Lady Roxburrow stopped fanning herself and sat straighter. She leaned forward, a new recollection dawning. “Ah, he is the young man you fancied yourself in love with when you were, what, seventeen?”
“Yes, that is him.”
“You two planned to run off together, did you not?” There was no judgment in her tone. More, an almost matronly curiosity.
“Yes. My mother knew of our intentions, but Father disapproved. He thought the previous duke looked down upon us and refused to allow me to marry into a family that might treat me poorly. Colin and I planned to elope in Gretna Green. The day we were to leave, I waited for him all day, but he never came. Last week at Lady Devonford’s ball was the first time I’ve seen or spoken to him in four years. I never even received a letter explaining why he never came.”
Lady Roxburrow placed a comforting hand over Juliana’s. “Have you asked him?”
“No. Well, yes. I asked him last night, but Lord Emsbury interrupted us before he could answer.”
“Maybe you should try again.”
Juliana extracted her hand from beneath her aunt’s, withdrawing from the optimism Lady Roxburrow inspired in her. “What would be the point? It won’t change what has passed.”
“True. Although, it could change your future.” Lady Roxburrow lifted Juliana’s chin. “Listen, deary. I know I have been pushing you relentlessly this season, but I promise it is because I care for you. There aren’t many avenues available for women to support ourselves. You are a very talented artist. I wish you could pursue your studies further. Truly I do. That, however, is not the reality of your situation. Even if you don’t achieve a love match, I want you to find a husband who will take care of you and treat you well. Marriage can be a long, unpleasant journey with the wrong man. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Good.”
“Thank you. For everything.” For the first time since she’d come to live with her aunt and uncle two years ago, Juliana reached out and wrapped Lady Roxburrow in a hug.
Lady Roxburrow hesitated, then returned the affectionate gesture. They held each other, silently giving and taking much-needed love and support.
“No need to thank me,” Lady Roxburrow said, her voice a little watery. She finally pulled away and sniffed several times. “I’m going to lie down for a bit. Why don’t you go out into the garden and enjoy the day?”
She gave Juliana’s hands a quick, reassuring squeeze, then stood to leave.
“That sounds like a splendid idea. If it is all right with you, I think I’d like to take Charlotte and go to the park.”
“Wonderful. Enjoy yourself.”
Juliana picked up the book Lady Roxburrow had discarded on the small table next to the sofa and followed her out of the parlor. After Juliana found her lady’s maid, Charlotte, and informed her of their outing, she gathered up her art supplies. She could draw while sitting under a tree.
St. James Park was a well of inspiration for creativity. She grew more excited the longer she thought about what awaited her today.
“I’m always amazed by your talent.”
“Oh!” Juliana startled. She caught herself right before accidentally running a long charcoal line through her drawing. “Colin. Good heavens. Make more noise next time.”
Despite her chastising, she was happy to see him. She’d never admit it aloud, but she’s begun missing his company again when they were apart. He sat next to her on the blanket and lounged against the wide trunk of the oak tree.
“Next time. So, you wish for me to visit you again?” The corner of his mouth lifted in a self-satiated grin.
Juliana gave him a side-long glance, trying her best to exude an air of apathy. “Please do not add more meaning to my words than what is there.”
Ignoring her reprimand, he leaned closer, stealing a peek at her paper. She pressed the pad against her chest, blocking his view.
“You know I don’t like to show my drawings until they’re complete.”
Colin reached for the pad. Juliana held it away. He half-heartedly stretched out his arm, and she moved it out of his reach again, holding back her mirth.
With a defeated sigh, he lounged back against the tree. “You know I think your work is superb, no matter what stage of completion it is in.”
She grinned, a more frequent occurrence since he’d returned to her life. “Why are you here? Do you have another lesson for me?”
“No, I don’t have a lesson for you, although I have it on good authority they are working. You had two callers today, I believe.”
“And how do you know that? They left little more than an hour ago.”
He shrugged and crossed his ankles. “I have my sources. Namely Lady Roxburrow, who was more than happy to share the good news when I came looking for you. And a few gentlemen huddled together at Brooks chattering about their intended conquests of the season.”
“Are you spying on me?” she teased.
As mad as it sounded, the prospect of Colin keeping abreast of her progress with her suitors incited a swarm of flutters in Juliana’s belly. Men only kept track of the going ons of women they cared for. Perhaps their time together had rekindled some of the feelings he’d once had for her, as it may or may not have done for her.
“Spying implies a proactive effort on my part. Men at their clubs flap their lips more than a gaggle of women. One merely has to listen to glean everything from who is having an affair with whom to what each man had for their last meal. My efforts to listen to what men are saying about you are an important way for me to know if my instruction is working, wouldn’t you agree?”
“I will accept that as a suitable answer. For now.” She smiled and placed her sketchbook on the blanket, away from Colin. “I’m glad to hear that our efforts to grant me the luxury of choices for my husband are bearing fruit. Although,” she lowered her voice and traced imaginary circles on the blanket with her finger. “I can’t say that I’m particularly fond of the gentlemen I’ve encountered thus far.”
“Is that so? Why not?”
Juliana noted the way Colin interlaced his fingers behind his head and crossed his legs at the ankles in an effort to appear indifferent, which clashed with how his gaze sharpened on her with acute interest. Her answer mattered to him.
She wanted to tell him that all the other men felt wrong because he was the only one she’d ever wanted to marry. That her heart still wept for what they’d lost. But fear kept the words locked inside.
Instead, she answered with a partial truth. “During an uncharacteristically tender conversation with Lady Roxburrow she gave me a wonderful piece of wisdom. ‘Marriage can be a long, unpleasant journey with the wrong man.’ Thus far, the men I’ve met have been the wrong man.”
“I see.”
Did he? Did he really understand the message she couldn’t speak? That he was the only right man for her.
They studied each other. Both searching for something significant from the other. For a moment Juliana thought she saw in him a desire to heal the divided between them that matched her own.
She was about to outstretch her hand, offering a show of peace and a chance to parley. Before her hand lifted from the blanket, Colin’s eyes shuttered, snuffing out her hope.
He nodded. “Lady Roxburrow is right. We must try harder to find you the right man.”
Juliana quelled her disappointment. “Yes, we shall try harder. I think the masquerade at Vauxhall will be a great venue to test any new lessons as well as rehearse the old ones. Can expect to see you there?”
A dark cloud drifted across Colin’s face. “I’m afraid not. They will perform a reenactment of the Battle at Waterloo. Participating in that affair once was more than enough.”
“I understand. Can you—if you don’t mind—tell me about it? Or anything about that time. Why did you join? You never mentioned having an interest in a military career when we were better acquainted.”
The details of his involvement in the army, among other things, had been a point of curiosity for Juliana for some time. Their recent time together had been so consumed with lessons and plots to help her obtain a husband, she’d had little opportunity to inquire about the events that had shaped him during their time apart.
Colin sat up, bent a knee, and leaned his elbow against it. “I never mentioned wanting a military career because I never wanted to before we separated. I begged my father to purchase a commission for me the day after we were supposed to leave. The shame of abandoning you ate away at me until I needed to do something to atone for it. Ridiculous as it may sound, I needed to balance the scales of my honor.”
Juliana’s eyebrows knit together as she digested his confession. A crop of new questions took root. “If you felt so wretched, then why didn’t you come back to me? Did you not think that I would accept your apology? Or…” She took a deep breath to steel her nerves enough to ask the question that had plagued her most over the past four years. Dread slithered through Juliana’s chest, up to her ear, and whispered all the hurtful things that could come tumbling from his mouth. “Or did you no longer love me? You simply felt ashamed about not facing me that day to express your change of heart.”
He grabbed both of her hands in his. “No. I loved you with every part of me, Juliana. I’ve never stopped loving you. I didn’t show up that day because I was young and foolish, and I’ve spent every day since regretting my decision.”
Juliana’s mind went blank. He’d never stopped loving her. So he’d loved her when he’d left her waiting for him to carry her off and start a life together? He’d chosen to abandon her while he loved her. The thought was more painful than if he said he’d fallen out of love with her.
She touched the base of her neck, then pressed her fingers to her lips. She swallowed down her rising panic. “What was the reason? The real reason you didn’t show up that day?” she asked, her voice void of emotion.
Colin rubbed the back of his neck and bounced his leg. He was so agitated, Juliana almost wanted to call the query back and steer them to a safer conversation.
“My father didn’t approve of our match.”
“Yes, nor did mine, which is why we were going to elope. So again I ask, what was your reason?”
“Robert told him about our plans. I’d packed my bag that morning and had the carriage readied, I swear.” He paused, giving her time to absorb his words.
The whisper of panic became a clanging alarm so loud she could barely hear herself think. His words faded into an abyss of internal crackling noise. She lifted her shaky hands and made the sign for the question she needed to know the answer to, but couldn't speak again.
Why?
Colin replied, using both his hands and voice, “My father was waiting by the door when I tried to leave. He said he wouldn’t stop me, but if I left, he would no longer support me financially and revoke my inheritance.”
“Money,” Juliana choked out. Her chest shook with the force of her sobs. He’d abandoned her for money.
“No! It wasn’t about the money. I didn’t want my inheritance for myself. I knew I couldn’t take care of you if I didn’t have a shilling to my name. When we made the plan, I thought once we returned married, my father would have to accept you. I didn’t know he would cut off my inheritance, or I would have thought of a different plan.”
Juliana shot up off of the blanket, leaving everything behind, and sprinted away, needing as much space between them as possible.
“Miss Drake,” Charlotte called out to her.
She didn’t stop.
“Juliana! Wait,” Colin shouted. He raced after her.
Juliana spun around and jabbed a finger at him as if wielding a sharp blade. “Don’t.”
It was all she could manage, but Colin understood. She took off again, leaving him behind. This time, he didn’t follow.