Thinking of Chunk reminds me that he was having quite an adventure of his own during all this, even though I didn't find that out until later. But now's as good a time as any to tell you about it, I guess. So I'll tell you. Just the way he told me. He said:
“The last time I see you guys we're in the counterfeiting room in the basement of the lighthouse and the Fratellis are comin' back and there's this frozen dead guy on the floor and I thought it was all over for us and I wasn't that scared, since I had to fight off that wolf up near Vancouver.
“And then you stuff me into the freezer with the stiff and close the door. I can't believe you guys! I mean, I try to yell, but my vocal cords get frozen up and I can't make a sound. And this damn corpse keeps slidin' down onto me so I'm starin' in his face, which, if you remember, has three eyes on account of the bullet hole between the normal ones.
“Then the freezer door opens and I'm about to cuss you out, except I notice it's Jake at the door. So I keep real still until I hear 'em leave, and then I'm outta there.
“So I hear you callin' from inside the fireplace, right, the fireplace, geez. So I tell you to lemme in. So what do you tell me? Take a hike. Well, thanks a whole lot, I'm a sittin' duck out there, and my best friends won't pull me out with a rope when they see me goin' down for the third time. Great friends.
“Then I heard the Fratelli gang again, but since I'm a resourceful kinda guy, I leap for the window in a single bound, slink through like a ferret… and I'm free. I don't know why you guys didn't think of it.
“Anyway, I'm outside now, and it's night, and it's cold, and I'm scared out of my mind, so I just start running. Reminds me of the time I was one of the pacers in the Portland Marathon. O' course, that was before I had my, you know, my weight problem, and then I was never timed officially, but I used to be a pretty good hoofer, especially cross-country. So I try to keep that in mind as I tear ass outta the lighthouse. I run through the graveyard, which is no picnic, I run through the woods, I run up the hill, I get all the way to the damn road before I remember we had bikes down there and I coulda been riding. But I'm too scared to go back now, so I just keep running.
“Must've run ten minutes before a car finally shows. So I stand right in front of the headlights and wave my arms to flag it down, until it finally stops right in front of me, and this guy gets out, only I can't see him too good on account of the headlights are on bright and right in my eyes. So the guy says, ‘Is there something wrong?’ So I say, ‘Look, mister, I need a ride. My friends and I just had a run-in with these really gross people, you might've heard of 'em, the Fratelli Gang: Anyway, we found their hideout, so if you could gimme a ride to the police station…’
“Meanwhile I'm walkin' up to the car while I'm talkin', and as soon as I get past those blinding headlights, I see the car is the same damn car with all the bullet holes in it from back at the lighthouse. Talk about feeling stupid. Geez.
“So I look up, and sure enough, it's Jake Fratelli standing there, with Francis right behind him. I turn to run, and I'm fast, but they're faster, so before I know it, they've grabbed me and they're stuffing me into the trunk of the car, and I'm yowling, but there's nobody else around.
“Except right next to me in the trunk is that same damn FBI corpse. But naturally he wasn't listening.
“So we go for a short, painful, bouncy ride back to the hideout, and they take me down to the basement again, right into the counterfeiting room. Where Mama's waiting. Right about now I'm wishin' I knew a prayer, but I don't, so I just sorta smile as good as I can and hope maybe they'll just kidnap me and adopt me as their outlaw son and I can turn myself in during our first holdup. But they don't wanna adopt me. They just wanna torture me.
“So they tie me into this hard chair with an old extension cord, and Jake holds a gun to my head. Geez, my mom won't even allow a gun in our house. Made it tough the night I had to disarm those two cat burglars when my parents were at the ballet last New Year's Eve. These guys climbed in the upstairs bathroom window, but I heard 'em from the den, and I knew they'd have to pass the linen closet on the way to Mom's jewelry, so I hid there, and when they passed, I threw one of those huge wraparound towels over their heads and knocked 'em cold with the Spic-N-Span bucket.
“But, anyway, there's no way I'm gonna get the Fratellis' guns now, 'cause they got me tied up in a flash, and I'm thinkin', this is not going well.
“Then the old lady puts a blender on the table in front of me and plugs it in and turns it to ‘Liquefy’ and jams an eggplant into it, and we all watch the eggplant turn to mush. And I hear Mama saying, ‘First we'll start with your pudgy little fingers, then your round little hands, then your fleshy arms…’ Geez, I want to puke just thinkin' about it.
“Then she turns off the blender and says, ‘Now you gonna tell me where your little friends are?’
“‘In the fireplace!’ I tell her in about three-tenths of a second. I mean, no offense, guys, but I'm talkin' scared as in scared shitless.
“But, the thing of it is, she doesn't believe me! ‘Don't lie to me, boy!’ she says. ‘Honest,’ I tell 'em, ‘we got this map from Mikey's dad, and it said that underneath this place is a buried treasure, so—’
“‘Don't give us any o' your bullshit stories,’ Jake says, and starts shakin' me. ‘We want the truth! Spill your guts, boy! Tell us everything! Everything!’
“He's screamin' and shakin' me, and I don't know what he's gonna do, and I'm tellin' the truth but I gotta make them believe it, so I figure when he says everything, I gotta tell everything. So I do. ‘Okay, okay,’ I say, ‘in the third grade I cheated on my history exam, in fourth grade I stole my uncle's toupee and glued it on my face when I played one of the wise men in our school Christmas play, and then in the fifth grade I pushed my brother down the stairs and blamed the dog.…”
“So I go on like that for a while and they're lookin’ at me like I'm nuts, and I'm really startin' to feel bad, so then I really start thinkin' of things I did that I'm ashamed of, stuff I never told anybody before, so I tell 'em about the time I mixed up this fake puke out of pea soup and soy sauce and corn niblets and hid it in a can in my jacket and went to the movies and sat up in the front-row balcony and made this huge ralphing sound and dumped it over the side on a bunch of people in the audience, which made them start gettin' sick and throwin' up all over each other. Geez, it was just horrible, I never felt so bad in my life… so I'm tellin' this to the Fratellis, and it makes me feel so bad, I start bawlin' like a baby. Can you believe it? What do you mean, you can?
“Anyway, old Mama just looks at me so angry, her eyes cross, and she grabs my chin between her thumb and her first knuckle, just like Aunt Rose used to do, only Mama squeezes like she's trying to make juice, and she says, ‘Look, kid, I still ain't heard what I wanted. Now where are your friends?’
“I don't know what else to say to make her believe me, so I just say, ‘I told ya, in the fireplace. They took out the logs, and then the grating, and then they crawled into some secret passageway.…’
“So she says, real sarcastic, ‘And then I suppose they put the grating and the logs back and started up the fire from inside.…’
“‘Yeah, right, just like that,’ I say, but I don't think she really has the picture yet. No way. She turns to Francis and says, ‘Hit “Puree.”’ So Francis grabs the blender and pushes the ‘Puree’ button, and it starts whippin' the eggplant into eggplant foam, and Mama says, ‘Now do I get the truth, or do you get added to the Fish Surprise?’
“So she grabs my hand and holds it over the blender. I'm screamin'. I'm cryin'. I'm making' deals with God, like just lemme outta this and I'll go to temple every Saturday, or just make these dudes disappear and I'll take out the garbage all year. Stuff like that. But they just keep pullin' my fingers closer to the blades. I figure at least now I'll have an excuse to stop takin' violin lessons.
“But all of a sudden there's this noise, like the sound of a blender the size of Rhode Island—and it's comin' from the fireplace. My first thought is, Geez, maybe some really big troll is gonna throw us all into this huge blender. But then the logs and the grating like explode out of the fireplace and bounce across the floor, and a flock of bats, no lie, and I mean a major flock, shoots out of the hole in the fireplace floor and swirls around the room the way you dream about when you eat pizza too close to bedtime, and then they finally land up in the rafters where it's dark, and Francis runs over to the hole in the fireplace and looks down into it, and he says, ‘Hey, the kid's not shittin'.’
“Not shittin', hell. I'm shittin' bricks. But I'm saved by these bats. This is actually the second time I've been saved by bats. First time was in that old bell tower up on Lynch Road. I was up there with a net, tryin' to catch a bunch of 'em 'cause I heard the university was doin' experiments with 'em and payin' five bucks a head, so I had a whole sackful. It's pretty easy catchin' 'em in the day, 'cause they're sleeping—and I fell off the damn tower, but I shouted so loud, I woke up the ones in the sack I was carrying, so they started flappin' and turned the sack into this sort of spastic balloon, which let me down easy. I let 'em all go after that. I mean, it was the least I could do after they saved my life, even if they didn't know it.
“So, anyway, the Fratellis realize now that these bats must've come from somewhere, so they realize I'm not such a know-nothing after all.
“So they check it out and find out there is a passageway down there, and I'm so happy, I'm shittin' pearls. But then Mama opens the cupboard, and I can see it's filled with guns and more guns. They all take one. Then Mama says, ‘If we find those kids, remember, no witnesses—we'll let all the air outta their Calvins.’
“Then she cackles like somethin' from Dungeons and Dragons, and no lie, she points the gun at my head. All at once everything I've ever eaten flashes before my eyes, but then she lowers her pistol. ‘Maybe I better keep him alive,’ she says, ‘just in case he's lyin'. Put him in with your brother.’
“So Jake starts to lift the chair I'm tied into, but the doubloon falls out of my pocket. Mama picks it up, she bites it, she looks it over real close. But she can't figure it. ‘What's this, a Cracker Jack prize?’ she says.
“‘We found it with the map,’ I tell her. ‘It's got somethin' to do with the buried treasure.’
“Mama gives it over to Francis. ‘You're supposed to be the minting expert,’ she says.
“He studies it real careful, even more than she did. His eyes get wide. ‘I'll be damned,’ he says.
“‘That's for damn sure,’ says his mother, ‘but what's the story on this coin?’
“‘You see this mark here?’ he shows her. ‘This here's the mark of William B. Pordobel, better known as One-Eyed Willy.’
“‘I've heard of him,’ says Jake.
“Francis nods, real slow. ‘One-Eyed Willy was one o' the most ingenious pirates of the seventeenth century. The guy started out as a court jester but was banished from five Spanish courts because of his off-color stories and practical jokes.’
“‘You woulda liked him, Ma,’ says Jake, and they all laugh.
“Francis keeps talkin', though. ‘So Willy formed this pirate band, and they set sail on a ship named the Inferno. Willy and his men marauded hundreds of the king's ships, they amassed a fortune, a treasure worth millions. Then, legend has it, three of the king's ships chased him farther and farther north, until he got all the way up around this area—and while being attacked, Willy steered his ship into a huge, hidden, underground cavern, which the Navy ships sealed with cannon fire. Willy and the survivors spent the next couple years hiding out, repairing the Inferno. They explored all the natural catacombs and dug new tunnels and loaded 'em all with booby traps, to protect the treasure and prevent attack. One of his men escaped to tell the story, and that story's been passed down generation to generation for over three hundred years.’
“‘And how do you know so much about it?’ says Mama.
“‘Willy melted down all the gold he stole and minted his own coins,’ says Francis. ‘And this is one of 'em, and I know because that's what I know, Ma.’
“‘Well, you put this chub in with your brother,’ she says, ‘and then we'll see if we can find us some snoopy kids and maybe a few pieces of eight in the bargain.’
“So she starts climbin' down into the passageway under the fireplace, holdin' a gun and a flashlight, while her two sons cart me off in my chair, out of that room, down the hall, and through the next door into the next room. The room we heard the growling in before.
“So this guy is sitting in there with his back to the door, kind of a hulky kinda guy, and he's watchin' TV, with his face about two inches from the screen. Some kinda swash-buckler movie, with everyone accusing everyone else and drawing swords and demanding satisfaction. I'd like to demand a little o' that myself, but no such luck. Jake and Francis set me down right next to him, but he don't even notice, he's so into this movie. And I can't exactly see his face, 'cause it's turned in toward the screen.
“Jake says, ‘Hey, don't sit so close to the screen, it'll stunt your brain,’ and then him and Francis laugh and leave.
“So me and this guy, we just sit starin' at this movie for about five minutes, and I'm gettin' kinda nervous and wonderin' what he's thinkin' about, 'cause, to tell the truth, the movie's not that great, so I figure it can't hurt to make friends with the guy, so I smile, and I say, ‘Hi, how ya doin'? My name's Lawrence. Everybody calls me Chunk, though. Guess that's 'cause I eat too much Twinkie juice.…’
“And then all of a sudden this guy turns to face me, bellowing this righteous growl. Unbelievable. His head is bent outta shape, and his eyes are in the wrong places, and he has these Venusian ears and a patch of hair at the top of this pointy skull and a nose like marzipan and rubber lips with spit dripping down his chin and crooked yellow teeth, and I am totally grossed out.
“I scream. I gag. I try to stand. I try to pass out. No soap. He looks like he's just about to rip out my heart. But he opens his mouth instead. And I'm not shittin' you, but he smiles. And then he giggles. At least I think it was a giggle.
“You know what? I think he liked me.
“‘So. What's your name?’ I say. So he points to this old magazine page tacked up on the wall, I think it's from outta National Geographic or somethin'. And it's a painting of this huge, furry prehistoric animal bein' eaten alive by a saber-toothed tiger while they're both fallin' into this bubbling tar pit, and the printing under the picture says, ‘Giant sloth, too heavy to escape the tar, provides a last supper for the ferocious saber-tooth, who doesn't yet realize his own fate.’
“So he points to the giant sloth, and then he points to himself, and he gets this look on his face that's like sort of ashamed and sorta proud at the same time, and he says, kinda growly, “Sloth.” And he smacks his chest a couple times and says it again.
“So I look closer at the picture, and you know—there's kind of a family resemblance.
“So then he changes the channel. He finds Craig Claiborne making a chocolate fudge cake, and he sets in to watch it awhile. And I swear, I didn't realize how hungry I was until I see old Craig pouring this creamy frosting over the double layers, with these big old cherries mushed into the filling. So my mouth starts watering, I can't help myself, and I can't take my eyes off the set, either. So we're both sittin' there just glued to the screen, and I'm actually startin' to like this guy a little, I mean, he's not really such a bad dude and we're sort of gettin' into this show, and suddenly he turns to me and talks like he was suckin' on a Brillo pad. ‘Chocolate,’ he says. Then he smiles again.
“So I smile back. This guy's all right. I mean, I don't trust a guy who doesn't like chocolate. And then I remember something else—I've got a candy bar in my back pocket. My hands are tied, but not so's I can't get my fingers around to dig into that pocket. So that's what I do, and I manage to pull out this crushed Almond Joy between two fingers.
“So I show it to Sloth, and he beams me this huge grin, and screams out, ‘Baby Ruth! Baby Ruth!’ It was a heartwarming sight, I tell ya.
“So I toss him the candy bar, but I can't move my wrist too good, so it lands halfway between us on the floor. And I can't get it 'cause I'm tied in this chair, and he can't get to it 'cause he's chained to the wall and it's out of his reach. So he starts growlin' and slobberin'—I mean, he is pissed. He starts pullin' at his leg chains in the wall. Nothin' happens at first, but he's gruntin' and strainin' and pullin' harder, and pretty soon the wall starts to give. The cement cracks and crumbles, the boards creak. The bolts fly out of the wall, and the chains drop to the floor. And that sucker is free.
“‘Geez, mister,’ I say, ‘you're even hungrier than me.’
“He just laughs, though, kinda like a wheeze, and with a couple good tugs, he pulls his wrist irons apart, too. So now these chains are dangling from his arms and legs, and he goes for the chocolate. Rips that Baby Ruth in two and gobbles down half of it right away, paper and all.
“I'm still tied into the damn chair. So you know what he does then? He puts the other half of the candy bar in my mouth. And man, nothin' ever tasted so good.
“Then he stands up over me, and I swear to God he must be eight feet tall. No, really. Scared me so bad, I stopped chewin'. So he reaches down for me, and for just a second I think I'm buyin' the farm. He grabs me by the shoulders, lifts me and the chair up until my face is just even with his, which seems like close to stationary orbit, holds me there a few seconds, and then—now get this—he kisses me on the lips.
“Now don't get me wrong, it's not like perverted or anything. It's like he's tryin' to be friends. I mean, it kinda freaked me out at first, but then he just throws his head back and giggles, real friendlylike. The thing is, though, his breath smells like the locker room during football season. So I mention that to him. So he drops me.
“So the chair smashes on the floor, and I stand up, free as a bird. But before I can split, Sloth grabs my hand and pulls me outta there, down the hall, and back into the first room.
“Nobody else is there now. I figure they've gone down into the passage under the fireplace. Sloth runs to the freezer and opens it and smiles at me kinda sheepish and devilish at the same time, and says, ‘T-bone.’ Then he pulls this frosted plastic bag out and gets this thick T-bone steak outta the bag, and it's frozen solid, man, it's like granite, but he don't care, he takes this huge bite out of it and starts crunchin' away like it was a Dorito or somethin'.
“Then he holds it out to me, like he's offerin' me a bite. I'm real polite, though. I figure he's not the kinda guy you wanna insult. ‘Ah, no,’ I say, real smiley, ‘you keep it. I like mine not so crunchy.’
“So he just shrugs and finishes eating the thing, bones and all. Guy's got a lot to learn about manners. Anyway, I notice there's a phone on the table, so I pick it up and dial the police. I mean, what luck finally. So the sheriff himself answers. ‘Hello? Sheriff?’ I say, ‘I'm at the old Lighthouse Lounge, and well, I'd like to report a… first, there's a murder. Actually, two murders. Plus we found the hideout of those Fratelli people. Then—’
“‘Wait a minute, just hold on there,’ he says. ‘Is this you again, Lawrence?’
“Well, you can imagine I'm kind of embarrassed that he recognizes my voice, but I say, ‘Ah yes sir, it is.’
“So he snaps back, real rude, ‘When the hell are you gonna stop buggin' me? Do I have to call your mother again?”
“Meanwhile I'm watchin' Sloth devour a whole frozen turkey. He cracks off one of the legs, but it's like solid ice, so it slips out of his hand and flies across the room and bounces into the fireplace. So he chases after it—I have a feeling like the drumstick is his favorite part.
“But I hear the sheriff still raggin' at me in the phone, so I say, ‘But Sheriff, this time I'm tellin' the truth.’
“‘Sure,’ he says, ‘just like the time you told me fifty Iranian terrorists took over every Sizzler Steak House in the city.’
“‘Okay, I'll admit that was a joke,’ I say. Then he starts bellyachin' again, and now Sloth is stickin' his head down the hole in the fireplace floor to see where his turkey leg went to. But it's not there, I guess, because he lets out this roar down the hole that sounds like an elephant in heat. Then, about two seconds later, the roar echoes back outta the passageway. So the big guy jumps back like his mom yelled at him or somethin', and then he laughs. Then he sticks his head down there and roars again, and sure enough, it echoes back again, and he laughs even harder. I think, he thinks he found another friend down there who talks his language or somethin'.
“Anyway, the sheriff is slartin' to sound like a broken record, so I try to be nice and sincere and stuff. ‘Honest, Sheriff, you gotta believe me.’
“‘I do?’ he says. ‘Just like that last prank about all those little creatures that multiply when you throw water on 'em?’
“I can see I'm not getting anywhere with the bozo. I mean, just because I've exaggerated a little from time to time, he hasn't got that police-thing down to know when I'm really on the level. And besides, Sloth is beginning to climb down into the passage under the fireplace, and I don't wanna be left alone here now, in case the Fratellis show up again, so I say, ‘Sheriff, hold on a minute,’ and I call out to Sloth, ‘Wait! Get back here! Hey!’ But when I make my move to go toward Sloth, I accidentally pull the phone out of the wall. Cheap equipment.
“So Sloth is down under the basement now, chasing his echo, or maybe he's just after the turkey leg. So I decide to follow along with him. I mean, I figure I told the sheriff where we are, that's all I can do. If we turn up missing, at least he'll know where to start. Besides which, I'm afraid to be alone, and I don't know where I can go now that is safe. Besides which, I'm worried about you guys, and I want to find out where you've gone to. Besides which, I'm startin' to really like this Sloth guy, and I don't want him gettin' into any deep shit, 'cause I'm afraid he's not too bright. I mean, it's probly just a learning disability or something, the guy probly just needs tutors.
“So I climb down into the passageway with a flashlight I find in the cabinet. I thought about takin' one of the guns, too, but I figure my mom would kill me if she found out, and besides, I'd probly blow my toe off.
“Sloth is rooting around down in the dirt, and he comes up with his turkey leg, gnawing on it, and yells into the tunnel, and the tunnel yells back, so he looks at me and giggles and starts walking down the passage. So I run along behind him. I mean, his legs are pretty long. We go down and up and around… it's like a maze down there. Any minute I expect to find this big piece of cheese.
“And at every new turn Sloth lets out this loud scream, and his echo answers him, and he chuckles like he just heard somethin' pretty damn funny.
“Finally I grab his arm, 'cause I figure if somebody doesn't tell him, he's gonna be in for a big letdown. ‘Wait, listen to me,’ I say, ‘that's not a person. That's just your echo. Understand? Your echo. Echo.’
“So he holds up and thinks about it a minute, and all of a sudden, his face lights up and he nods like he understands. ‘Eggo,’ he says, ‘Eggo Waffle!’
“Then he turns and starts walkin' down the tunnel again, repeating it over and over to himself, real excited. ‘Eggo Waffle! Eggo Waffle!’
“I follow along, trying to reason with him. See, I still don't think he's got it like crystal-clear. ‘No, not Eggo,’ I say. ‘Echo. Echo!’
“He just smiles, though, and keeps on truckin' and mumblin' to himself.
“We twist around through all these tunnels, and he finally does quiet down, though. We get to this cave all filled with pipes leakin' and sprayin' water everywhere, so I figure we must be on the right track, 'cause it looks like Mouth's handiwork, tryin' to fix a pipe that wasn't broken before he got to it. Sloth was real thirsty after his steak and turkey, so he just sucks on one of the gushers for a while, and then we set off again.
“We get to this tunnel full of boulders, and the first one is sitting on top of the crushed skeleton of an old miner, no lie! Pretty cool. We just moved on, though. You know, my, Uncle Sydney was a miner, and he told me never hang around in a cave where you find a dead miner, 'cause you never know what killed him, like it could be natural gas. You know, they used to bring canaries in cages down to the mines with them, and if the canaries dropped dead, the miners knew there was a gas leak, so they split in a hurry—so, seeing a dead miner just lying there is kinda like havin' a free dead canary. Now like I said, this miner was crushed under a boulder, but you can't jump to conclusions in these matters. It still might've been gas that killed him. I ever tell you about the times Uncle Sydney took me down to the mines with him? Oh, yeah, he relied on me. See, I was a lot smaller than him, so there were holes I could crawl into to get stuff that he couldn't, so I'd crawl through these little tight spaces, sort of explore it for him, then come back and tell him about it. Never found any gold, o' course, but we weren't lookin' for any—aluminum is what Uncle Sydney was after, raw aluminum ore. Sells for millions up in Canada. They make cans with it, but they don't have the resources up there, so they gotta import the stuff. Still drink most o' their beer outta bottles, that's how underdeveloped they are.
“So, anyway, I know a thing or two about mines and miners, and I know it's best just to move along now before gas overcomes us and we get too groggy to dodge the boulders.
“We go through this hole in the wall into this big cavern, which is obviously where the bats came from, and that leads us down this real narrow passage, and then things get tense—'cause way up in the distance I can hear voices. And it sounds like the Fratellis.
“I look at Sloth right away, to see what he's gonna do, to see if I have to run and hide somewhere or what. But he just gives me this big sneaky grin and holds his finger to his lips like he wants me to be quiet and then snickers and covers his mouth with his hand so he don't make no noise. Then he motions me to tiptoe up with him, so we do, until we're close enough to the Fratellis to see 'em and hear 'em but far enough back to be hidden in the shadows.
“The Fratellis are standing in this shallow pool of water, with moonlight shinin' down right on 'em, when suddenly they start squawkin' and jumpin' up and down and yellin' that there's leeches all over 'em. Makes me shiver just to think of it.
“So they get out of the pool, and they all light cigarettes, and they start burnin' the leeches off their skin with the lit ends. Talk about gross. Then Mama looks down at the ground and says, ‘They went this way. There's little Nike prints all over the ground.’ So they walk on.
“So we sit there a minute, figuring what to do. I don't wanna follow too close, 'cause I don't want the Fratellis to see us. On the other hand, I wanna see where they're goin', 'cause if they're in front of us, they're not behind us. Right?
“And Sloth just seems like he thinks it's the greatest trick since bubbles that he saw them and they didn't see him. So we just sit there a minute. Pretty soon he crosses his legs and leans forward and starts drawing something in the dirt—it's a circle with these spoky things and like a grid, and I can't figure it out at first, and then all of a sudden it hits me—it's a TV test pattern, from when they sign off the air. This one's channel nine, I think. So he finishes drawing, and then he stares at it real intense, sitting there cross-legged with his hands on his knees the way Mom sits when she's doin' yoga, and he starts breathin' in and out real deep and fast like he's out of breath or somethin', and then all of a sudden he takes a deep, huge breath and lets out this long, soft, high-pitched sound. It sounds just like the test-pattern sound, like when the radio does its emergency-test sound for a minute sometimes. It sounds like ‘Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.’ Only Sloth makes the sound a lot longer than a minute, and without takin' a breath, too, he just keeps sayin' ‘Deeeeeeeeeeeeeee,’ and pretty soon his eyes sorta glaze over, and I realize he's in a trance.
“No lie, he looks just like my mom did when she was doin' meditation a lot to try to stop eating, only instead of saying ‘Ommmm,’ he's sayin' ‘Deeeeeee.’ So I realize then that Sloth is actually a very spiritual guy. Probly a highly evolved person. I feel like honored to be in his presence.
“So he does this for a while, and then he finally stops and like snaps out of it and takes a big, relaxed sigh and smiles, like he's ready to go on.
“But he doesn't get up. Instead he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Jew's harp, and knocks the lint off it and brings it up to his mouth and starts playin' away.
“‘Hey!’ I tell him. ‘That's a Jew's harp, and I'm Jewish. What an incredible coincidence!’ He just nods and keeps playing, and then I realize it's probly not such a coincidence at all. We actually have a lot in common, like we share mutual interests and stuff.
“Anyway, he gets up and starts stompin' his feet as he plays, and I start,clappin' along. It's real familiar but I can't quite place it, and then I realize he's playin' the Gilbert Chevrolet commercial they do on channel thirteen late at night. Then he starts doin' a whole medley of TV commercials, like, ‘You deserve a break today at McDonald's,’ and ‘Ajax the foaming cleanser.’ Stuff like that. I guess those are the only songs he knows.
“So he goes through his repertoire, and now he's completely cooled out and ready to go. So we march on again, in the direction his mom and brothers went.
“We're real careful to walk around the pond with all the leeches in it, even though there's a whole shitload of coins at the bottom. Maybe the leeches put the money there to try to lure people in so they could suck their blood, I don't know.
“Anyway, we walk along for a while, around a bunch of other tunnels, until we come to this dead end with a hole in the floor, and a grappling hook snagged on a rock at the end of a rope that dangles down into the hole. I look down the hole, but I can't see bottom, and I think I can hear the Fratellis' voices at first, but then they disappear.
“I'm kind of reluctant to shinny down this black hole, though, you know what I mean? I mean, I'm not the best climber in class, anyway. But Sloth kind of understands that, I think. So he hoists me up on his back, and I hang on, and he lowers us both down the rope. Nice and slow and steady.
“So my face is right next to his now, so I get to study it real close. And the walls are startin' to glow from this sea-slime stuff I think, so I can see pretty good. And lookin' at him that way, in that light, from the position of being carried on his back, he doesn't look so bad. I mean, he's not gonna be in Playgirl next month or anything, but I've seen worse. You ever see my Uncle Grobnick?
“So I say to Sloth, ‘Ya know, you're not such a strange-lookin' guy. I used to have a snake with two heads.’
“So he grunts at that, sorta like he knows what I'm talkin' about. So I keep talkin'. ‘And I got this other friend, Mitch, and he's got this big hairy thing growin' out of his neck, and people always make fun of it, so he only goes out to play at night. I bet you only like to go out at night, huh?’ He nods, so I go on talkin'.
“‘Yeah, I know how you must feel,’ I say. ‘It's like when I go swimmin' at the public school and I gotta take my shirt off, I get really embarrassed, 'cause all the other guys got dark tans and ripples in their stomachs, and I'm this Pillsbury Dough Boy. So I swim in a sweatshirt.’
“So he grunts with total understanding, you know? Like he knows just how I feel. Right then he reaches the bottom of the rope and steps down to the floor, which is covered with these giganto wooden spikes under the shaft, so if we'd fallen, it would've been Chunk Kebab.
“We look around. It's like a big cave, and at one end is this pirate skeleton that's pointing to these three tunnels at the other end. I mean, it's this mummified human skeleton dressed in pirate clothes. So what does Sloth do? He takes the pirate hat off the skull and puts it on himself and wiggles his eyebrows at me. I mean, c'mon, what was I supposed to say to the guy? So I say, ‘Man, you are a stud.’ So he smiles at me, kind of embarrassed, you know? Funny guy.
“Then he pulls himself together, real suavelike, and gets a cigarette out of his coat pocket and sticks it in the corner of his mouth and lights up with this Bic lighter and takes a long drag and leans back against the wall and takes a coin out of his pants pocket, and he starts flippin' it and catchin' it, flippin' and catchin', just like that smoothtalkin' mobster in that old gangster film. Musts seen it on TV.
“But, anyway, I tell him, ‘Hey, man, it's not cool to smoke.’ So he gets this real bummed-out look on his face and throws the cigarette away and holds up his hand like he means ‘Wait a minute,’ and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a ratty old deck of cards, which he fans in front of me, and says, ‘Pick a card.’
“Well, you coulda blown me away with a straw. I mean, this guy never ceases to amaze me. So I pick a card and look at it and stick it back in the deck, and he shuffles like a pro from Vegas. It was the four of diamonds. Then he throws the pack into the air, and the cards flutter down all over the place, except there's one card sitting in the palm of his hand, and I'm damned if it isn't the four of diamonds.
“Well, he can see I'm impressed, but he just kinda nonchalantly picks up the cards and pockets 'em, still wearing his pirate hat. ‘You know, you're an interesting kinda guy,’ I say. He just sorta smiles, though, and tips his hat back.
“Anyway, while I'm helpin' him pick up the cards, I find this Twinkie wrapper on the ground, so I know you guys have been here, and I see all these footprints goin' into the middle tunnel, so I figure this must be the place. So this time I take the lead. ‘Come on, men,’ I say, and Sloth follows me into the middle tunnel.”
So that got Chunk to where I left off with my story, except I was there first. Or second, actually, although the only guy there ahead of me was One-Eyed Willy, and I was about to meet up with him soon enough. But he wasn't the first cutthroat I met down in those caves—first was the Fratellis, and that was sooner than enough.