Chapter Twenty

Nick

September

 

Lexi’s words echo in my head as I flip my phone side to side in my hand. Your mom misses you, Nick.

Outside, Jenna and Hector walk my cheery sister-in-law through basic weed identification and gratefully welcome her aboard as a new member of the Laurel Creek Farm family. Their enthusiastic voices carrying through the humid air do little to lighten my dark mood. We decided to take Lexi up on her offer to help out for the summer and fall after Jenna finally put her foot down, saying if we didn’t get some additional help, we were all going to collapse from exhaustion. Jenna, as usual, had been right. Since making the joint decision that we wanted to increase production and expand to a few markets in Manhattan, we’d been killing ourselves under the burning heat of the sun. Even two-a-days throughout high school when I’d been desperate to prove myself to my mean-ass coach hadn’t left me this exhausted.

As soon as Lexi slid out of her scratched Fiesta this morning, she’d launched herself into my arms, saying she missed me coming over and that Cole had been asking about me. She left out the fact that Jason had probably forbidden his son from seeing me again, but the implication hung heavy between us.

Since coming out not much has changed in my day-to-day existence. I still wake up alone most mornings, work out, toss a tennis ball around with Archie, then make coffee and breakfast before Hector and Jenna arrive for the day. It’s definitely been nice not randomly feeling like I can’t take a deep breath. And it’s been nothing short of amazing waking up some days with David twined around me like a morning glory vine. Seeing his auburn hair all sleep-mussed and falling into sheets that smell like him are more than worth the occasional twinges of sadness.

I hadn’t quite been prepared for how much the implosion of my relationship with my family would hurt. Even though the farm work wrings me out, sometimes sleep evades me and I pace the kitchen into the wee hours of the morning. Most nights I channel my frustration into baking the Greek pastries my mom used to send home with me carefully wrapped in takeout containers from the diner. If a flavor is slightly off, it stings knowing I can’t pick up the phone and ask her about it. David, Jenna, and Hector eat my handiwork with gusto but they all seem to recognize that I’m pouring my sorrow into the food.

So when Lexi admitted that my mom missed me, something inside me crumbled. Could it be possible for me to rekindle my relationship with her? My dad and Jason are lost causes. They think I’m disgusting. A pervert, as Jason had texted me a few weeks after the ill-fated family dinner. If the misspellings and timestamp on the message were any indication, he was clearly wasted. Unlike my brother, though, my mom hadn’t seemed angry or disgusted by me coming out. She’d just seemed sad.

I could talk to her and explain that the hateful things my father says about queer people are untrue. She could come over and have a cup of coffee with David, see how happy he makes me. See how engaging, and intelligent, and caring my boyfriend is. See that we’re slowly stacking the bricks to build a life together. The thought has me unlocking my phone and navigating to her cell number, still at the top of my favorites list. Glancing at the little icon next to her name, a picture of the two of us in the kitchen at the diner, shoves a lump into my throat. I tap her number with a shaking finger.

“Nico?” she answers on the third ring. My heartbeat seems to falter at the sound of her hushed, tight voice.

“Hey, Ma.” I rake my fingers through my hair. It’s damp with sweat.

My mother sighs into the phone but says nothing for a long moment.

Shit. Maybe I should say something. Apologize? Or try to explain myself? Usually in a situation like this I plan out my words so this doesn’t happen. So my mouth doesn’t clamp into a hard line, leaving me silent.

“I made karidopita. Something was off though. Do you use orange juice or only the zest?” I figure asking her about her walnut cake, a dessert she and I both love, will set her at ease. Nope.

“Nico.” She sounds as weary as I feel. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to call me.” She pauses. “I use the zest.” The line goes dead.

I toss my phone down onto the countertop with too much force. Thankfully it’s in a durable case so nothing breaks. Well that was a disaster. I should have understood that my parents want nothing to do with me. I have to make a new family now.

I let my mind drift back to David and the last time he’d spent the night, a few days after he found out his work was accepted at some fancy gallery in Brooklyn. He talked a mile a minute and insisted on taking me out for dinner with money he’d gotten from selling a naked painting of me. It was weird but definitely cool that some famous art guy was going to have a picture of my ass in his house. After David devoured my cock, the minute I pulled my Jeep up the driveway after dinner, he stayed over.

Realistically, I knew that it would start to feel normal, seeking out his lithe body in the night, the shiver that ran down my spine every time our lips brushed, waking before him to listen to his soft breathing and watch his face move as he dreamed. Sure, it was kind of weird but I loved watching him sleep, his beautiful face relaxed and plush lips parted. The next morning when I put a thermos of coffee with milk and honey on the bedside table I’d started thinking of as his, David acted like I had figured out how to transform dirt into diamonds. When he drifted sleepily out to the orchard to find me, wearing only one of my flannel shirts and a pair of black briefs, I was so tongue-tied that Jenna dissolved into laughter and Hector tactfully excused himself to the barn.

The need to hear David’s voice is overwhelming, but it’s only when his phone goes directly to voicemail that I remember where he is. He’s spending the weekend in the city, getting dinner with the friend who told him about the art show and helped him sell his painting. And going to meetings with people from the gallery, I think? He told me the details so fast it was hard to keep track of the information. It was even harder to extinguish the spark of worry that ignited when he told me about spending the weekend in Brooklyn.

Logically, I know he’s going to be busy with his art and his friend. Besides, David has reassured me over and over that he’s happy in the Hudson Valley. Still, the Neanderthal part of my brain has me wondering who he’s staying with. I keep picturing him reconnecting with his sophisticated professor ex-boyfriend and realizing he would prefer life in a city full of art and culture and intellectual stimulation. They’d probably go to some intimate cash-only bar and drink craft cocktails and this Julian guy would put his hand over David’s on the table… Fuck. I need to get back to work and stop angsting over made-up crap.

Bounding down the porch steps I pause for a moment to look at the farm Jenna, Hector, and I built. New, sturdy fences surround the neat vegetable and herb plots, keeping the deer in the woods where they belong. As beautiful as they are, those assholes can totally destroy a month’s worth of work in a matter of moments. Sunlight filters through the leaves of trellised pole beans. The crops are thriving thanks to the drip irrigation system Jenna installed. As my gaze scans over the newly built mobile chicken coop and travels to the freshly cleared orchard, my shoulders drop. I’m proud of this place. Proud of myself. Proud of my new family.

“Nick!” Jenna’s voice startles me out of staring at the dry grass under my boots. She and Lexi jog over from the barn.

“Sorry, what’s up?”

“Are you planning to work at all today or just hang out around the house?” Her tone is teasing, amber eyes bright. “Because we can replace you with Lexi. This chick is fantastic. She had a great idea too.” Jenna makes a go ahead gesture to Lexi.

“No. It’s dumb. I was babbling.” Her tanned cheeks flush and she nervously runs her fingers through her shiny dark hair.

“No!” Jenna shakes her head emphatically. “Lexi noticed the space next to the orchard. You know where your uncle had tossed all that shitty lumber?”

I nod, grinning at Lexi to encourage her. Living with my dad and brother tends to make everyone feel like each idea is stupider than the last. “What’d you think, Lex?”

“Well,” she hedges, “I thought it might be a good place to do flowers? You know, like, for sale. No one at our market sells them and I always wanted to buy sunflowers and stuff. Plus a lot of the people doing weddings at the new hotel seem to want local flowers for their bouquets. Anyway, sorry. I know it’s super rude to barge in and make suggestions on the first day.” She’s breathless as she stops talking.

The idea is a good one. And it wouldn’t be too expensive to make it a reality. Stupidly my mind also supplies the idea that David would probably love having ready access to fresh flowers. He’d gone through a phase in high school when he was obsessed with painting them. He and his mom would sit in the backyard for hours working in companionable silence as they painted canvas after canvas.

I fix my attention back on Lexi’s eager face. “That’s a great idea!” I shove her shoulder playfully. “We could start that next season. Plus doing flowers might make us more appealing to the city markets as we expand.”

Jenna nods thoughtfully, turning as Hector strides over.

“I loved the flower idea too,” Hector pipes up, grin stretching wide across his face. “In fact, I remember suggesting something similar and neither of you were into the idea.”

He’s teasing but Lexi looks worried, eyes flicking from me to Jenna. Her gaze softens when it lands on Jenna. The two of them seemed to hit it off today. It makes sense. Jenna can set pretty much anyone at ease, and Lexi, after being berated by my brother all the time, could probably use some comfort and friendship.

When Hector and Jenna start discussing pricing for the green Thai eggplants, Lexi’s gaze flicks over Jenna’s body, pausing on the exposed band of bronze skin between Jenna’s shredded jeans and her cut-off Talking Heads T-shirt. So that’s how it is. Before I have time to process the fact that my sister-in-law was hardcore checking out my friend, Lexi notices my quizzical expression. She stands up straight like a soldier and shoots me a glare.

“So how’s your boyfriend doing?” she asks. Nice subject change, Lex.

I laugh. “He’s great. In the city this weekend getting ready for an art show. It’s pretty awesome. His career is taking off.”

“So…” Lexi tips her head in a mock flirty gesture. “Are you guys, like, getting serious, or what?”

I hate that her teasing makes me blush like a kid. I rub the back of my neck. “Um. Yeah, pretty serious. His dad’s doing a lot better too, so I’m kind of starting to think about asking David to move in with me. I want to talk to his dad though. See how he feels and stuff. Don’t want to push.”

Jenna spins away from Hector like a powerful golden top. “Wait. Dude. Shut the fuck up. Are you serious? You’re thinking of having David move in here and you didn’t tell me?” She scoffs. “Some friend you are.”

“Be real, Jenna. I know the minute I even hinted you’d tell Anna. David would know before I could even come up with a romantic way to ask him.” I grin at her.

“I wouldn’t tell Anna.” Her voice is flat.

“Anyway…” I draw out the word, trying to get rid of the awkwardness that unexpectedly infused the conversation. “Do you guys want to come to David’s show next week? It’s Saturday night at some gallery in Brooklyn. He and Anna are driving down the day before to set stuff up. So I was gonna head down after the market. I invited my cousin Ben too since he’s still in New York for a few more months. It might be a good time.”

Embarrassment at admitting my plan makes my eyes burn.

“If it’s, um, okay with you guys I was going to take Sunday off? See if David wanted to spend the rest of the weekend in the city. Maybe go to some museums or whatever.” That, and ask David the questions that have me so nervous I shove my hands deep in the pockets of my jeans so I don’t wring them to death.

“Sounds fun.” Hector grins. “I’ll probably skip the show though, if that’s cool. I can get everything finished up in the coop. I’m happy to keep an eye on Archie for you too. And don’t worry about taking Sunday off. Heck, take Monday too. The three of us can handle things around here.”

“Yeah, especially since you’re useless most of the time.” Jenna winks at me, snarky merriment firmly back in place. “I’d love to come. I love your man’s art.”

Lexi kicks at the grass. Of course she can’t come. My brother, who loves calling people from any town larger than ours “citiots,” thinks going south of Poughkeepsie is a total waste of time. If he knew his wife came with me to an actual gay art show in Brooklyn, he might explode into a fiery ball of protein powder, cheap vodka, and hate speech. Lexi would have to lie about where she was. And I know she’s not crazy about leaving Cole with Jason because he just ignores the kid. I wonder if Jason even knows about Lexi working at his gay brother’s farm.

“Sorry, Nick,” Lexi mumbles. “I don’t think…” She shoots me an apologetic look.

I’m wholly convinced my asshole brother does, in fact, have a sixth sense for reaching out exactly when people are most dreading hearing from him because Lexi’s phone buzzes loudly in the pocket of her shorts and her face falls.

“Ugh,” she groans, rolling her eyes extravagantly. “Jason can’t pick Cole up from school. Is it okay if I head out early?”

“Of course!” Jenna and I say in unison and Hector barks out a laugh.

I follow Lexi to her car, telling her about my misguided attempt to reconnect with my mom as we walk along the gravel driveway. Her fingers, the nails painted sparkly pink, dig into my shoulder as she gives me a sympathetic squeeze.

“I didn’t tell Jason I’m working here,” she admits. “I told him I got a part-time job at a gift shop in Woodstock.” She fiddles with her tangle of keys and the key chains Cole always buys for her. “He’s been awful. It’s like since he found out you’re, you know, gay or whatever he has to act like even more of a macho idiot. He’s been a nightmare to Cole.” She pauses again, catching her lower lip between her teeth. Whatever she’s deliberating about saying can’t be good. “Jason, um, he told Cole to stay away from you.”

My hands clench into fists and every muscle in my body goes rigid. I don’t say anything but my hurt and anger must be visible on my face because Lexi reaches up to pat my cheek.

“I told Cole later not to listen to that crap. I said you’re his uncle and you love him and that you’re a wonderful man. Usually I don’t like to disagree too much with Jason because I don’t want Cole getting caught in the middle of our shit, but that was…” Lexi shakes her head, looking as sad as I feel. “Anyway, I’m sorry. I know that must hurt you to hear. But I didn’t want you to wonder why you never see Cole anymore. You’re always so good with him and that kid loves you to death. I’ll try to bring him out to the farm soon though. He misses you a lot.”

I can’t manage to speak so I nod once. Lexi, thankfully, is perceptive enough to climb into her car without another word, casting me a watery smile as she pulls away. As soon as her car rounds the curve of the driveway, disappearing behind a tangle of evergreen trees and underbrush, dozens of possible responses come to mind. Lexi should leave Jason. She should get away from those toxic asshole men and come live here with me. I could even build a cozy little cottage for her and Cole to live in. Then the anger starts bubbling up.

Throughout my childhood my dad did his fair share of political raving. As a kid this talk did nothing but confuse and shame me. It made my stomach hurt and my head buzz. Apparently, however, Jason took our ignorant father at his word and now views me as an actual danger to his son.

I exhale hard through my nose and turn back toward the barn. Everything seems strangely quiet as I begin relentlessly hauling heavy bags of compost to a new garden bed. My mind is a perfect blank as I work. Sweat drips into my eyes and my muscles burn more and more with each trip between the barn and the freshly turned plot of land. A wheelbarrow would make the job easier but I need the pain. Need to exhaust myself.

By the time I’ve prepared the bed for planting, the sky is streaked with hazy orange and gold and the cicadas sing in the trees. The windows of the house glow yellow. Probably Jenna is grabbing us beers and fishing out a deck of cards so we can unwind on the porch. Instead of joining her though, I head in the direction of the barn to grab the auger and start drilling for fence posts. I’m striding across the driveway when the wind carries the sound of my name to my ears.

Jenna, planted on the top porch stair, is waving a beer at me and making a wrap it up gesture with her finger. Stop working. Warmth blooms in my chest and I jog toward my house. Our house.