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Candace didn’t believe in fate. She couldn’t. There were too many things that could go wrong in life, so many decisions she could make or not make, so many paths she could take and then regret. There were so many things that seemed certain, but in the end weren’t. She’d lived that. She’d lived that with Ezra. If Candace had ever believed in fate, the past decade of having Ezra right at her fingertips but never being able to fully keep him had cemented in her mind that nothing was promised. And Miles and Mei’s divorce had shown that nothing written in the stars was permanent. So her brain just couldn’t understand why Ezra was standing in front of her right now.
When she’d decided on this trip, a few nights at a relatively affordable luxury hotel had been a splurge. It wasn’t the most expensive hotel in the city, but it was the best she could afford and she’d thought that if she was going to spend New Year’s Eve crying, she wanted to do it on the best cotton sheets the hotel had to offer. All she’d wanted was a soft place to land while she got over Ezra. But here he was, standing in front of her, looking somehow even sexier than the last time she’d seen him, which was supposed to be the last time she’d see him.
“When did you move into hotels? Mei never told me that,” Candace said, shaking her head.
“I don’t tell Mei all my business moves,” Ezra replied.
“But you tell Miles everything. And he tells Mei.” She hesitated. “Told,” she corrected, with a cringe.
Ezra flinched at the word as well. “I bought this place last year,” he said, gently. “After the divorce.”
“Got it,” she nodded, looking everywhere but at his face.
He stepped toward her and she was too shocked to move away. Or maybe shock was just the excuse she used not to have to step away.
“What are you doing here, Candace?” he whispered.
She wished he hadn’t. She wished he’d asked her that question in his regular voice instead of dropping to that deep whisper that she associated with the middle of the night, his mouth on her bare skin and his sweat-slicked body moving against hers, inside hers. She couldn’t handle being reminded of that in this too-bright room.
She swallowed and focused her gaze on his shoulder. “I wanted to treat myself for New Year’s.”
“So you’ll be here for New Year’s too?”
Her eyes lifted sharply to his, which was a mistake, because for some reason in this moment, Ezra looked like he had in college. His blue eyes sparkled in the fluorescent light, the tops of his cheeks were a soft red, and the corners of his mouth had lifted into that almost grin that wasn’t a grimace but also wasn’t a real smile. For a disorienting moment she felt eighteen again, and the full force of the crush that had never really gone away washed over her.
“You’re here for the new year?” she whispered back.
He nodded, absentmindedly, his eyes focused on her mouth. She watched him watch her and knew that she should put some distance between them; that this was a mistake. But she couldn’t move, not until the door behind them burst open and they had to jump out of the way of a luggage rack.
The moment was enough to clear Candace’s head. She couldn’t go back. Not even if she wanted to. She stepped out of the incoming porter’s way, surreptitiously putting distance between herself and Ezra. The man pulled a stack of laundry bags into the room and Candace watched him primarily to avoid having to look at Ezra.
And then she felt his hand brush her wrist, his touch so light she could have imagined it. Candace shivered.
When she turned to Ezra, he was smiling at her like she used to wish he would. Like when he opened his mouth it would be to tell her that he loved her and couldn’t live without her. But he never did. And she’d lived in this puddle of disappointment before.
She took another step back, shaking her head.
“What’s your room number?” he asked.
“No. I meant what I said yesterday, Ezra. We should just let this end.”
He swallowed and gripped his right hand in his left, like he used to when he was nervous or uncomfortable. His eyes weren’t sparkling anymore; they were dark and sad. “I don’t know why we just keep missing each other,” he said mournfully.
She sucked in a sharp breath. She felt as if her entire body was breaking, now that her heart was nothing but dust.
“But we’re in the same city on New Year’s. In the same hotel,” he said, his tone brightening.
“Your hotel,” she corrected.
His eyebrows furrowed. “My hotel. In the city you love.”
“I haven’t been here in years and my Spanish isn’t even that good anymore. Dr. Montero would be so pissed at me,” she said, and he laughed.
“He’s probably still pissed at me. Did I ever tell you that I ran into him a few years ago?”
Candace shook her head.
He smiled and Candace swallowed a moan.
“Yeah,” Ezra continued, “and he only spoke to me in really basic Spanish, and super slow at that. By the end, he just looked so disappointed in me. Like as a person. He’s probably still depressed that he never got through to me.”
Candace smiled. “Probably.”
Ezra’s eyes only darted to her mouth briefly. “I used to wish I’d come on that study abroad trip with you back in college.”
She squinted at him. “You couldn’t have done that. The Gilder Prize.”
“I know,” he said quickly, his eyes boring into hers, “but I still used to dream about it.”
That Candace didn’t shiver when he looked at her that way and said that he’d dreamt about her — about being in Quito with her — was a herculean effort she knew she wouldn’t be able to repeat.
“I have to go,” she said abruptly and moved past him.
“What’s your room number?” he asked again, following her out of housekeeping.
“No, Ezra.”
“Okay, what are you doing tonight?” he asked, jogging around her to block her path. He put his arms out to stop her from moving. “I’m here on business and we’re having a party in the ballroom tonight. It’s on the mezzanine floor.”
“No, Ezra,” she said again, unsure of what else to say and unable to trust herself with anything more.
“The party starts at eight. I’ll put you on the list.”
She shook her head.
“And a plus one. You can bring your friend from the airplane. Jorge?”
“Ezra—” she started, but he cut her off.
“No. I know. But...” He blinked at her. His face and neck were red and she could see the tension in the way a vein on his forehead had appeared. She forced herself to ignore that bone-deep desire she always felt to pull him into her arms and soothe him.
“This can’t be a coincidence, Candace. You and me in the same place at the same time over New Year’s Eve like always. My entire adult life, New Year’s Eve has been about you and I’ve never felt right when we weren’t together.”
She wrapped her arms around her torso to ground herself. “What are you saying?”
“What I should have said four years ago, and eight years ago, and eighteen years ago at that dumb bonfire. Ever since the day we met, it’s always been you. I know I might be way too late but I... if I’m not... I’m asking you to come to the party tonight and talk to me. If we talk and you still think this is the end...” he swallowed thickly, “then I’ll respect that. Or if you just want to be friends again, I’d love that. Because I’ve missed making love to you, but fuck I’ve missed just being your friend too.”
Candace blinked at him, her eyesight blurry with the tears spilling over her cheeks.
“Ezra,” someone called.
He turned and Candace saw a short brown-skinned woman in a business suit looking at them. Candace took the opportunity to wipe her face and take a quick breath. Her heart was pounding.
“I’m coming, Martina. Sorry. I’ll be there in just a minute.”
The woman nodded and walked away.
He turned back to her. His pupils were dilated and his face was red. He really did look like his old self again and it made her heart clench. “I have to go,” he said in a soft voice.
She nodded.
“Eight o’clock. Please, just consider it.”
He looked at her with a kind of intensity she’d never seen from him; at least not when he was fully clothed. She knew she should say no. She’d just this morning convinced herself of the rightness of moving on. But she wanted to say yes. She always wanted to say yes when it came to Ezra.
“I’ll consider it,” she said in a choked voice.
His face lit up and he started walking backwards; as if he was running away just in case she changed her mind. And knowing Ezra, that was exactly what he was thinking.
“I hope I see you tonight,” he said before he pulled the boardroom door open and disappeared inside.
When the door closed, Candace blinked rapidly, trying to understand what had just happened as the hotel lobby seemed to come back to life around her. All of a sudden, the lights seemed too bright, the lobby seemed unnaturally loud; everything was too much. She pressed the button to call the elevator to go back to her room.
She needed to talk to Mei.