IN SEARCH
OF
THE TRUTH

The cliché is that in Question Period members of Parliament act like schoolchildren. This is not quite accurate; they act like the schoolchildren in Lord of the Flies, after the plane crash.

There are, however, certain lines that politicians cannot cross in the House of Commons. One of the biggest no-no's is suggesting a member of Parliament has lied. This is taken very seriously. If an MP accuses another MP of lying and doesn't immediately throw him or herself at the mercy of the Speaker and apologize profusely he'll be thrown out of the House until such time that an acceptable apology is issued.

It is a bit ironic that this rule exists, because playing loose with the truth is as second nature to politicians as leg humping is to a chihuahua.

It's also a fact of life that most politicians when asked will state unequivocally that their word is their bond. In this instance most of them are lying. In those rare instances when a politician develops a reputation for being honest, Canadians respond favourably.

This is why after being elected the Tories fell in love with the slogan “Promise made, promise kept.” Like so many other utterances in the political universe, it turned out to be untrue.

IT USED TO BE CALLED LYING | OCT. 17, 2006

I'm happy to see that the Tories have finally unveiled their plan to fight climate change. The minister of the environment, Rona Ambrose, had been blathering on about her secret “made in Canada” plan for so long I was starting to worry that it didn't exist. But exist it does, and more importantly, the prime minister is on board. In fact Stephen Harper was so excited about this Tory environmental plan he gassed up the Challenger with 8,620 litres of jet fuel, put a couple of cabinet ministers in the back and flew all the way to Vancouver to be at Rona's side.

And what did Rona have to say? Absolutely nothing. This was the government's only announcement on the environment to date, and the minister of the environment wasn't allowed to say a single word. Harper didn't let her. You know, I think that's mean of the prime minister. Even Hef lets the bunnies say hello once in a while.

Harper did all the talking. He strode up to the podium with the majestic BC mountains behind him, and he made the big announcement. He announced that in the future there would be an announcement that involved consultation. And at that moment it became crystal clear to me that the prime minister of Canada thinks we're all idiots. In fact I've noticed lately that every time he addresses the Canadian people like that, he sounds less and less like a prime minister and more and more like a special ed teacher.

Of course there are some Tories who say he has no choice. He has to do all the talking, he's got to keep his cabinet quiet, because quite frankly his ministers are—how do I say this delicately—“not very good at their jobs.”

They may have a point. The last time Rona was allowed to speak in public, she attacked the Liberals for wasting 100 million dollars on worthless emission credits. Which would be outrageous. Unfortunately for Rona, Greg Weston over at the Toronto Sun looked into it and her numbers were a little off—say, by 100 million dollars. Turns out Rona made the whole thing up to make the Liberals look bad and the Tories look good. You know, in the old days, under the Liberals, we called that lying. These days, under the Tories, it's called action on climate change.

UNTRUSTWORTHY | NOV. 7, 2006

Like most people, I find it completely unnerving when suddenly everyone in the room is talking about something that I can't even begin to understand. And when that happens to me, and it happens a lot, it usually involves math. So when Stephen Harper out of the blue put a bullet into those income trusts and all the seniors went crazy, I was completely lost. And then I realized, everything I know about income trusts I actually learned during the last election, and I learned from Stephen Harper.

I learned that it's the seniors more than any other group that invests in these things. And I heard Harper say over and over again that when he became prime minister, income trusts would be safe.

And you know what? I believed him. And so did a lot of seniors, apparently, because they went out and kept investing in the bloody things. And why not? Harper's entire shtick—something I do understand—is that you can believe what he says. The entire raison d'etre of the Harper government is: You may not like what we do, but we do what we say; if we make a promise, you can take that to the bank. At a Harper rally you can't hear yourself think for all the Tories chanting “Promise made, promise kept” over and over like a herd of demented Moonies. Some of them get so excited that they start smacking themselves in the forehead while they chant it.

Well, thank God that's over. The next time you hear Stephen Harper say “Promise made, promise kept,” you might want to back away, because if there is a God, the forecast calls for lightning. I'm sorry, Stephen. That's the chance you take when you mess with senior citizens and their hard-earned savings.

I know Harper has all sorts of excuses as to why he had to break this promise to the seniors, but you know what? I don't even care. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that there's only two reasons politicians break their promises: you've already voted for them, or you've already voted for them. Turns out some things never change.

TURNCOATS | FEB. 13, 2007

In Canada it used to be a very big deal when a member of Parliament crossed the floor. But these days it's becoming downright de rigueur. It was just the other day that Wajid Khan left the Liberals and joined the Tories—and now Garth Turner has come out as a Liberal. If this keeps up, they're going to have to kick-start every day in the House of Commons with a rousing game of “Red rover, red rover, send your whack jobs right over.” Because let's face it, as far as big catches go, these guys are dubious at best.

You wouldn't know it, though. When Harper announced that Wajid had crossed the floor, he didn't act like he'd just snagged a car dealer from Toronto. He acted like the heavens had just opened and God himself had come down and declared that He was a Tory. In fact Harper was so grateful that he rewarded Wajid's treachery by making him the Conservative party's new international man of mystery. Now Wajid gets to travel around the world on the taxpayer's dime and write secret reports that nobody is ever allowed to see. They're so top secret that the prime minister won't even tell us whether they're written in pencil or pen. Let's face it, though—they're most likely written in crayon.

And then there's Garth Turner. After months of negotiations the Liberals have finally landed Garth. Or, depending on how you look at it—they came down with him. Now if I were Dion, I would have to ask myself, do I want Garth Turner? Because with Garth it's not a question of whether he's a Tory or a Liberal—it's a question of whether he's a maverick or a renegade. Which is fine if you're looking for someone to play the lead in a cheesy cop show, but not if you're looking for someone to sit in your caucus.

In politics, in the party system, the one thing that everyone agrees on is this: the most important attribute is loyalty. And these guys have none. Yet by landing them, both leaders are claiming a massive moral victory, all the while ignoring the fact that when you bring someone into your party from purgatory, more often then not it leads to hell.